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Un-anniversary

Today would have been my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary.

I suppose it still is, but they’re on the verge of a divorce. It’s odd when your parents separate when you’re an adult. I mean you have your own life. My brother even has his own family.

Although, in some ways you do feel like you’re a kid again. Your parents’ marriage is a part of the foundation of your life. How they feel about each other means something to your own wellbeing for better or worse. How they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why everyone needs therapy.

This has been going on since February, so we’ve been living it for a while. I do feel divided. I have to learn new boundaries. I have to divide my time. Holidays are strange. I am bouncing back in forth between their two houses because I want them both to be okay. I know it isn’t my job or responsibility to do that but I’m a caretaker. But I’ve learned that I can’t be their confidant. I can’t listen to the negative about either of them. I didn’t get to choose my parents I just have to learn how to love them. They got to choose each other and can’t seem to figure out how to do it either.

So it’s a sad day as a child, an adult and a bystander. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. I knew there were problems but I really thought they’d work them out. We were used to the dysfunction. We were accustomed to how things were. I never thought they’d give up. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused.

I wonder where we’ll go from here as a family. My mom now lives 30 minutes away. My brother isolates himself. I feel like I’m in the middle. My dad is just silent. Maybe we’re finally showing on the outside how we’ve been living for the last 20 years. Reality is hard to face.

I have to believe there is redemption of somesort. I want to believe that our family will in some way be better or all of this. I suppose that is up to us as individuals. At the end of the day its their marriage. It is their lives. We all have to move forward. We all have to mourn in our own way. I just hope at the end of the day we find a new way to overlap our lives and don’t all slide in different directions.

Ohioaversary

Well I have now officially been in Ohio for a year. Hmmmm….

It was a non-event. Or as my dad said to me when I reminded him, “so.”

So what? I don’t know.

I thought I’d have more answers by now. I thought I’d have more direction, but i don’t. Same questions. New state. Colder weather. Maybe these are just the questions that will plague me for the rest of my life. I will always wonder what I want to be when I grow up. I’ll always be restless. I will always be vaguely bored. LOL. Who knows.

The year itself has been good. I’ve been back to California four times. I’ve stayed in touch with all of my favorite people. I’ve met amazing new people. I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephews and my parents and I haven’t killed each other. All good things.

So for now I am still working with my dad and just plugging along.