From a New Place

I started a new job recently.

I’m incredibly grateful for it. It’s been a bit since I’ve had a meaningful job. This job could really be something. Not only is it in my field (marketing) it’s working for an organization I whole-heartedly support. It’s awesome, but it’s also new. Newness scares me. New means unfamiliar. New means uncertainty. New means unknown expectations. This generally sends me into a frenzy of perfectionism wanting to know everything I can before I can move forward. I let it make me a micro-manager and doubt. Not a good space.

However, I don’t have that luxury now. This organization is launching a new program in 8 weeks or so and I am the center of it, the hub that has been given both the responsibility and the authority for a smooth launch. Yes. New is frightening.

I was working myself up into quite the lather earlier this week while talking to my brother. In my stress I was critical, negative, and awfulizing. He made an interesting statement that has really made me think, he said, “you have to operate from a new place.”

When stressed we tend to regress. It brings out our worst. We actually become the worst versions of ourselves, if we let it. I have done a lot of work on my wounds and worts through therapy, prayer ministry, with gracious friends and lots of reflection. I can honestly say I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago and by the grace of God even 6 months ago. So my worst has gotten better, but its still not a good place to live from.

I have learned to let go. I have learned to extend grace. I have learned to love and forgive above it all. Yet in moments of high stress this all diminishes and can disappear. It takes a conscious effort to operate from this place of peace, of compassion, of healing. And yet I know the person I hurt the most is me. I am so self-critical. I am so unkind to myself in these moments. The conversations I have with myself are ones I would never even dare to say to anyone else, I would be appalled. It’s no wonder I awfulize.

But I am new. This experience is new. These people are new. I have to speak my identity to the circumstance. I have to be the new me in stress, not the old me.

I have to remind myself of that over and over some days. I can be performance driven. What other people think of me still matter too much. Yet I am capable. I am intelligent. I am organized. I am creative. I am fun to work with. I am dedicated. I am committed. These phrases are more productive than the other tapes in my head. If I come from the new place I can be more productive, more available and more vulnerable to do a great job and stay sane. And who knows I might have fun.

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About Marti

After a year-long sabbatical in Southern California I am returning to Ohio to try and resume my life. Who knew you went home again to start living.

Posted on August 22, 2011, in About Me, Psychobabbling and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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