Believing I’m Awesome

The other day I was teasing Jordy that he was silly. The very first response out of his mouth, through the laughter, was “I’m not silly, I’m awesome.”

I just laughed it off. After all, Jordy does not have a problem with his self-esteem. He is a star and he’ll tell you so. But later I was telling Mike, my brother/Jordy’s dad, about it and he said something that has stuck with me. He said, “Don’t you wish we had the sense to do that in our lives, to refuse to accept what other people say about us that isn’t what we know to be true.”

Imagine if you could dismiss all the negative things people say about us that cause shame, embarrassment, humiliation, hurt feelings, and fear by simply refusing to accept them.  Words like: You’re incapable. You’re dumb. You’re ridiculous. You’re ugly. You’re unworthy. You can’t do it. You’re won’t succeed. You’re not good enough. Even the things others say in jest that are only funny to them. You know the words spoken to you that make you retreat, doubt, question, feel insecure, and unable to pursue your dreams.

But the great thing is, we can refuse them. It takes a mind shift from letting others define who are to an internal shift knowing our worth is defined by God. Jordy knows who he is, at the ripe old age of 10, he is sure. He knows he’s awesome. If we let anyone other than God determine who we are it is inauthentic.  When we believe them and begin to repeat the negative messages back to ourselves we start to self-abuse and self-sabotage because we are operating from a place that isn’t our own, it isn’t who we were created to be. This is why we feel lost and confused.

We have to identify and speak to the lie to remove it. God spoke to the night and created light. He told Moses to speak to the rock. Because there is power in our words. We are creators with God. What are we using our mouths to build? This ties into observations I had while watching Finding Sarah about how she had to find her center, her truth. We all have to do this. It is a hard journey. Apparently I need more on this topic because it keeps coming up for me.

It took therapy, great friends and the gentle prodding of the Holy Spirit for me to face the lies I believed. Years of negative, hurtful experiences, abusive situations, and wrong relationships left me fragmented and unsure. I was insecure. I had to learn to see myself in a new light, draw boundaries and replace the tapes in my head that said I was a myriad of awful things – unimportant, worthless, a mistake, and generally unworthy. I believed every one else instead of the still, small voice in my heart that said – I created you unique, special and with a purpose. I love you. I want you to be whole. I want you to be part of what I’m doing.

It’s been a journey. I’ve gotten rid of some of those negative messages and others still linger or rear their ugly heads on occasion. What if I just stop accepting them. What a thought? Rather than rationalize them, justify them, therapize them or even examine them maybe the answer when they start entering my head is to just say – No, I am not unworthy, I am chosen. When you have identified the lie why entertain it?

That is a simple question that I generally over complicate. It boils down to controlling your mind and thoughts. 

Recently I had a difficult conversation with someone who triggers these old, negative words and associations for me. In the middle of it I had to tell myself that I do not accept those words about me. When I rejected the words the feelings associated with them went away. Amazing how that works. It had to be a conscious effort. My usual response is to absorb it all, take it in and then feel like general crap. This time I got to say no, “I’m awesome.”

It made me laugh, but I felt good. Thank you Jordy for the lesson. Doing this feels a bit mechanical and awkward but overtime I won’t even have to think about it. Yea for healthy habits.


About Marti

After a year-long sabbatical in Southern California I am returning to Ohio to try and resume my life. Who knew you went home again to start living.

Posted on July 20, 2011, in Psychobabbling and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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