Lessons Learned from Tori Spelling

Preamble – First of all I have to say that I am addicted to Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood. I have watched since season one and will watch til the last episode. I think she’s fascinating. Maybe its the poor little rich girl thing, but Tori’s so real about who she is. She isn’t ashamed of her flaws. She embraces who she is. I love it.

Now onto the real blog post.

Last week was the season finale of Tori& Dean Home Sweet Hollywood, with Stella’s one-year birthday party. The big question was, will Candy, Tori’s mom show up? You knew she wasn’t. She said it was because of the cameras and she didn’t want to be on the tv show. I think that’s crap. If you want to be in your daughter’s life, for real, you do whatever it takes. There are no strings. There are no conditions. There is no question. You show up. You’re there, regardless.

So, when she didn’t show up Tori was devastated, again. She was crying. Dean was frustrated. But in the end, during one of the last interviews of the season Tori finally got it. She finally had a way to deal with her mother and it started with her. She realized that she had to stop being a victim. She was in a position to be hurt because she put herself there. She had unrealistic expectations. It was time to own it and deal with it privately. No one could stop the cycle but her. She had to stand up for herself and her family.

OOoohhhh! That’s it. A light went off for me. This so related to my life. I have to stand up and take responsibility for my life. I can’t keep waiting here in Ohio for my family to be a family. I”m here because I made the choice to come. I have to step up and take my life back. They are who they are. They are going to keep trucking down their road and I need to get on mine.  Now to figure out how and what and where.

Another benefit is that by owning my actions and emotions it helps avoid anger, bitterness and resentment. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurt, but it makes me step back and analyze where I put myself in an unhealthy situation. I have to draw better boundaries. I have to be true to me. I have to stand up for me. UGH! All of that is much harder than I thought. I still want them to love me so I hesitate everytime I need to say something. Baby steps. See because love is conditional you don’t have the freedom to say no, it comes with great consequences. So, learning to stand up for yourself and say, in the immortal words of Baby in Dirty Dancing, “this is my dance space and that is your dance space.”

Now, for some this is a no brainer. But when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where love is conditional and often manipulative it’s not so cut and dried. You have to learn on your own, with therapy and through the friends that become like family, how to be a functional, healthy adult. These things do not come naturally. We have to be told not to give until you’re depleted. We have to learn that co-dependence does not mean they love you. It takes time to figure out that even though we change and work through our junk, they may continue in the same crap that you drug yourself out of, it’s called denial.

So thank you Tori Spelling for sharing your ephiphany with us and allowing me one of my own. See God will use any means necessary to speak into our lives, even through Tori Spelling.

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About Marti

After a year-long sabbatical in Southern California I am returning to Ohio to try and resume my life. Who knew you went home again to start living.

Posted on August 14, 2009, in Pop Culture, Psychobabbling and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Loved your post…and who cares where the lessons come from…thank God they come. I’ve put the Tori & Dean show on my Netflix. Let’s hope it speaks to me too… 🙂

  2. Tori & Dean are great. Love them. I hope she speaks to you too. Maybe we can start a club and make her our guru. LOL. Kidding.

    Boundaries, stopping the victim mentality, and standing up for yourself with family is SOOOO hard to follow through on. Taking a deep breath and going to bed 🙂

  3. I totally get where you – and Tori – are coming from. I’ve had to learn this vital lesson, too. The Lord showed me that I have to forgive my family for how they’ve hurt me, because He’s already forgiven me for how I’ve hurt them. And He’s forgiven them, whether they know and understand that or not.

    He told me that I had to break soul ties between me and my Mom and also with my only sister. Hard, hard stuff!! I love them, but they can’t seem to help themselves from making me their favorite dart board. The Lord told me to keep my eyes focused on Him and on what He’s doing in MY life, and He’ll take care of my family. Not in a harsh way, but simply that they are in His hands and it’s not my job to save them. That’s His job.

    Big load off my heart in a myriad of ways. Set me free to take a huge leap of faith and move to NC where I am more at home than I’ve been in 35 years.

    The best place to be is wherever the Lord asks us to be!!

    Love your writing voice, Darlin’!! When you comin’ down here???

  4. OK, I’m back with more Snoopy Dancing over your blog site, and OMG “On the Couch with Mike and Marti” is THE BEST!! You two are awesome!! I mean, I already love you, and hearing you talk so candidly and with such genuine, natural humor in your Mike-n-Marti kinda way… I can see you when I listen, and I get you ‘cuz I know your folks, and Rocio. Can you tell I’m excited over what you guys are doing? Rock on!! Love you and rootin’ for you both!!

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