Cold Light of Day
Most things can be rationalized in your own mind.
We can convince ourselves of almost anything. Why its ok to febreeze a top and then wear it again. Why you NEED one more piece of cake. Why we should use shopping as therapy. There are a million things we make okay by applying clever logic and a slide of our integrity. Or at least I can.
I recently started dating someone. I knew he wasn’t really right for me, almost immediately, but he’s very adorable. I told myself it was ok because I’m not looking for anything serious now. He’s light and fun. He’s ok with casual. So what difference does it make. So for a few weeks it was just him and me. We’d go to dinner, movies, bookstore, for coffee or the occassion coffee. We really have nothing in common, lots of silence. But it’s easy and non-complicated
Then tonight the bubble burst when he met some of my friends. It was just kind of awkward. Later, hearing their reactions it really hit home that my justification doesn’t fly. It doesn’t matter that he’s pretty. It doesn’t matter that he likes me. It doesn’t matter that he’s nice, kind and a gentleman. It’s just not working.
He doesn’t challenge me. We don’t share the same faith. We don’t have the same goals. We are just passing time together. UGH! I know I could make this work if I wanted to, but deep down I know I don’t really want to.
I also realized that this is about having something for me that doesn’t include my family or its drama. He is someone no one knew about but me. I liked having a life outside of my family. There were no questions, judgements, comments or opinions. Maybe that was just another way to rationalize it too.
Waiting for the right person is hard. I’m 34. I’m aging as I write this. All of my friends are married and many with kids. I feel like I’m being left behind. In my mind the world single echoes in a valley of loneliness and cats. I’m just tired of it. I miss having someone in my life.
But I can’t pretend anymore. Back to reality.