Floodgates of Reality

With all that’s going on at work lately I’ve been forced into a state of introspection.

I know, I know I spend most of my time in a semi-state of introspection but I’ve been trying to avoid it lately. I want to get out of my head. I want to get more involved in life. In that process I completely overbooked myself. I had something I was involved in nearly every night of the week, it got insane.

Then I realized I was just busy, not really enjoying. That isn’t what I want either. Then I stopped, dropped an activity and have really been trying to dig in and enjoy. That’s what you’re supposed to do right?

But if I’m really honest its all just time filler because I have no idea what it is I feel called to. That is a scary thought. I spent big dollars on a grad school diploma thinking it would provide clarity, it didn’t. I jump into activities hoping I will stumble upon it somehow, I don’t. I show up to a job at a ministry that I was hoping would fill the void, it doesn’t.

At the end of the day I’m still restless. I’m convinced that God did not bring me through hell for this. This cannot be the sum total of my life, I refuse to accept that, but what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to go? I would change if I knew how. I would move if I knew where.

It’s the ultimate of agony to be in limbo and unsure. Everyone keeps telling me it gets this awful right before a big change. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I can’t take it anymore, my soul longs for more – meaning, purpose, sense of fulfillment.

I’m completely burnt out. I have nothing left in the tank. I’ve burned through the reserves. I’m tapped out. There is nothing left in me to give right now. How’s that for overly dramatic? But that’s how I feel. That’s what happens when you live a life where you don’t want to be. I’m stuck. Completely trapped, at a dead end. Ok that was a little Scarlett O’Hara even for me. But I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I need to change the name of this blog to Young & the Restless, Marti’s Restlessness, Restless State of Mind or something more apropos.

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About Marti

After a year-long sabbatical in Southern California I am returning to Ohio to try and resume my life. Who knew you went home again to start living.

Posted on May 24, 2007, in Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. You are not being dramatic, at all.

    Much of what you’ve written here resonates. Deeply.

    I’m not a big fan of what is marketed as Christian music, but recently heard the song “Awaken” by Natalie Grant. In this song (which seems like my own personal prayer right now) is the line “my soul is longing, my heart is searching, I’m desperate for you to move.”

    This speaks to me … and have done so much work (searching the good and ugly parts of my soul, trying to make amends, and forgive, and surrender things that aren’t good for me, and praying) and yet, there is no movement from God. And I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

    I don’t know if this is what you’re feeling exactly, but I understand the desire for change; for meaning, purpose, and fullfilment.

    I’ll be thinking of you and I pray God moves in your life very very soon.

  2. I just downloaded the Awaken song and you’re right – it is the cry of my heart right now. I’m tired of feeling restless, it leads to bitterness and anger that begins to pervade the rest of my life and I hate it. I want to love what I do.

    Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for resonating with me, helps to know I’m not alone in my anguish 🙂

    I’ll be praying for you too that God would illuminate in your life the missing piece of awareness, inspiration or connection that will make all the difference in your life.

  3. your other Mom

    I want to respond so badly, to give you uplifing words, or a clever story that ends with “see, it’ll be alright…” or “I told you so ”

    But, I don’t know what the words are. Franly I think both you and Jannine are so brave to work out your own lives before selling out to a “man” relationship hoping all the hupla of planning a marrage will take the sting out of reality. Good thing I’ve learned to be shallow to cope. I’ve found in my shallow state of mind I’m more suprised when GOD brings me around the corner and gabs the napkin away from my eyes to show me something.

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