Floodgates of Reality
With all that’s going on at work lately I’ve been forced into a state of introspection.
I know, I know I spend most of my time in a semi-state of introspection but I’ve been trying to avoid it lately. I want to get out of my head. I want to get more involved in life. In that process I completely overbooked myself. I had something I was involved in nearly every night of the week, it got insane.
Then I realized I was just busy, not really enjoying. That isn’t what I want either. Then I stopped, dropped an activity and have really been trying to dig in and enjoy. That’s what you’re supposed to do right?
But if I’m really honest its all just time filler because I have no idea what it is I feel called to. That is a scary thought. I spent big dollars on a grad school diploma thinking it would provide clarity, it didn’t. I jump into activities hoping I will stumble upon it somehow, I don’t. I show up to a job at a ministry that I was hoping would fill the void, it doesn’t.
At the end of the day I’m still restless. I’m convinced that God did not bring me through hell for this. This cannot be the sum total of my life, I refuse to accept that, but what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to go? I would change if I knew how. I would move if I knew where.
It’s the ultimate of agony to be in limbo and unsure. Everyone keeps telling me it gets this awful right before a big change. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I can’t take it anymore, my soul longs for more – meaning, purpose, sense of fulfillment.
I’m completely burnt out. I have nothing left in the tank. I’ve burned through the reserves. I’m tapped out. There is nothing left in me to give right now. How’s that for overly dramatic? But that’s how I feel. That’s what happens when you live a life where you don’t want to be. I’m stuck. Completely trapped, at a dead end. Ok that was a little Scarlett O’Hara even for me. But I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I need to change the name of this blog to Young & the Restless, Marti’s Restlessness, Restless State of Mind or something more apropos.