I’ve been posting all week about the purpose and benefits of being single. It started as a joke I don’t know if I ever actually intended to follow through on my declaration that I’d post everyday on some aspect of being single. But I did and now at the end of the week I realize I’ve been on a journey of embracing the truth and calling of my life as it is right now, not the version I created in my head.
Brian and I broke up on January 7. After that I felt a bit lost, even though I knew we shouldn’t be together. It’s just that with him I had a purpose for my life. I was getting married and moving to TN. My purpose was to be a wife and a step-mom. I found my identity in what he offered me. It was like I was on track with what I should be doing at this time of my life. I was willing to forget everything I was, everything I hoped for and everything I wanted to be. I lost myself to hold onto the fantasy.
i realized that the last nine months have been about grieving the loss of a dream, the life I thought I should have. I went through the typical stages of grief and I would say the relationship wasn’t put to rest in my mind until this week. But God is faithful and he persued me like a father. He came after his child to remind me whose I am.
This week has been teaching me that I am whole as I am, with a purpose and calling in my life to live completely and abundantly. What a gift. God has holy purposes for my life that don’t require marriage to be fulfilled. What a relief. He has seen my life from beginning to end and knows what’s next. I don’t need to know. I don’t need to be in control. I just have to have faith.
I have been so busy pretending and seeking approval that I have been unable to truly worship God in spirit and truth. In order to live there Willard says that we must never pretend, presume or push. We can’t take control of our lives and the outcome. It can’t be my will, in my time. I need to be faithful to what God has called me to in the moment and being single is okay. It might not have been what I wanted but I embrace it.
I have been praying that God give me eyes to see what is right in front me and he has. I can now feel his love. I can sense his presence and see his goodness in my life. I have so much work to do, my inner self is not like Christ. I have pride, arrogance, and ignorance that threaten to take over at the smallest opportunity. But now there is a purpose that is meant to enhance the kingdom. What I do, where I do it seem kind of irrelevant in light of the larger purpose of the kingdom of God. That seems lofty and slightly pie in the sky but it is a different focus for me.
The miraculous gift of grace is God acting in our life to accomplish what I cannot do on my own because I am surrendered to him. It is in the state of constant surrender that I am able to walk free of darkness. (Willard)
It is when I operate in this grace that my life changes because I can see others differently. It is then I become a true servant. But the key to all of this is intentionality. It is a move towards the grace offered to me.
The lack of reality of the everlasting arms makes spirituality just another burden on the already crushed back of humanity. Spirituality without the ontology of God and the soul makes for legalism and the magic it brings with it, that is ritual without reality only self-righteous illusions. (Willard)
I don’t know if I’m making sense to anyone but me. Maybe this is just the sweet whispers of God to my heart. I’ll take it and I cherish it.