In the pain

For the first time in a while I’m working for a Christian organization and we get half a day off for Good Friday. It seems kind of odd and I feel obligated/ compelled to go to a service.

I do want to go, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t want a traditional service. I don’t want a lot of talking. Am I looking for an experience? It shouldn’t be about me. I’m reminded of the film, The Passion of the Christ, and remember sitting there sobbing through it. I really connected emotionally and physically to what Christ went through so I could be free.

Last year I went to a stations of the cross service that was very “emerging” in nature. They had a station for art, reflection, music, etc. I didn’t really connect through most of it. I think I was trying too hard or something. Toward the end we were asked to list out our sins, then we dipped it in “blood” (red paint) and nailed it to the cross. It was eye-opening to watch the paint drip down and pool at the base of the cross. That is some serious imagery.

But is that the point? Good Friday? What should I be praying? Where should I focus?  What should I think about? I want to fast forward to resurrection Sunday. I want to celebrate and be joyful but today is about the pain, the misery, the sacrifice. As Christians we often tend to want to fast-forward through the process, but we have to live in the mess for a while, suffering through the trail before we get to the celebration. Being in pain, hurting, and suffering doesn’t mean you’re not where you’re supposed to be. It’s not a test, but simply part of life, a consequence of sin.

Oh how that resonates with me. I feel like in certain areas of my life right now I am in the pain. I am fighting through so many emotions and want to push through to happy, but in the depths of where I am now Christ is most real. I have nothing else to hold onto as he disciplines me, heals me and makes me more like Him.

Thank you Christ for the dark night of my soul and knowing it’s not forever.

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Posted on March 25, 2005, in Spiritual Formation and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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