Thoughts About Ohio

Here are my preliminary thoughts and feelings about moving back to Ohio.I was hoping that by going back to the motherland I would feel an overwhelming surge of emotions and answers. I thought that in a flash I would know it all. I know its silly to think that a you’ll just get a feeling and know. I was hoping that would happen so I could just make up my mind already. Instead, I’m a little more pensive and introspective about why I want to go and what that means for my life if I do.

I was able to see the city with new eyes. I hadn’t lived there since I was in the 5th grade, my perspective has changed a bit. For one everything seemed smaller 🙂 It is so different from Orange County and California in general. I mean its slower paced. The roads are smaller. People are friendlier. There is significantly less to do. Everyone owns a house, including teenagers. I mean the cost of real estate is so cheap it makes no sense to own a condo.

The pros and cons on both sides are significant.

I had a great time with my family I usually do. I breeze into town for a few days, have some laughs, and a few special meals later I’m back out. Could I handle being there everyday? My brother said I forgot what its like to be with my parents everyday? I get to see them with their visitor face on. Everyone, including me, is on their best behavior. We do all the big, fun things together. Would I be able to handle the monotony? He is the good child that stuck around and I am the prodigal wanting to go back. I am a novelty in Ohio to my family and other apparently. I even think I’m cuter there. I had guys talking to me all over the place, the supermarket, the airport … then gain maybe that is just friendliness I’m not used to in L.A.

In California I have zero family obligations. I come and go as I please. I haven’t lived near them for 10 years. I think i want to be on the family track – watch my nephews, bring my mom down out of the rafters, talk to my dad about ministry stuff. But daily? I know no one, what kind of life would I have? Most of the people my age are married and living in those inexpensive homes that abound with their 2.5 children. Being single is hard enough, single in the mid-west I think is a whole different type of experience.

I also realized that I can’t move back expecting to have the family I wanted in my childhood. I can’t expect them to suddenly know me, get me and totally understand why I do what I do. I would have to draw serious boundaries. I can’t be the people pleasing teenager I once was, adhering to their ideals of who I should be. But aha, therein lies an important thing – I need to be sure of who I am and what I want.

I have a feeling all of my restlessness will follow me to Ohio. I need to put old demons to rest and be settled in my own skin. Then I can be happy wherever I am.


About Marti

After a year-long sabbatical in Southern California I am returning to Ohio to try and resume my life. Who knew you went home again to start living.

Posted on September 10, 2004, in Psychobabbling and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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