Jesus is ironic

Jesus and I have been having lots of conversations lately about finding quality boys in Ohio, and the difficult job that is. I think he just listens, shakes his head and laughs at me. I didn’t really hear anything definitive from him until this last Friday. I went to an event at church, all of the usual people were there.

So half way through the service I notice someone new. He was just my type – tall, dark hair, football-player build. I saw that he was there with a friend and the requisite single-girl scan revealed that he didn’t have a ring on, great. But I quickly chastised myself for noticing a boy in the midst of a praise and worship service, and I resumed my intended task of focusing on God. Of course, everytime time you try and avoid something its all you can think about. Soon my eye has wandered back to where he was sitting, maybe this is why Jesus tells us to chop off the offending parts of our body. But anyway, I notice that he’s totally into the service – he raises his hands, he closes his eyes, oooh this boy loves Jesus, sweet.

After the service I see that he knows several people I know. But I’m not going to be obvious. Yet there is something about a new boy that makes you revert to high school. I’m all aflush and intrigued. But I try to dismiss it, if I meet him, I meet him. No big deal. So I’m walking around talking to people and then his friend brings him over to introduce him to my dad, who then calls me over to meet him – yea! My inner 16 year-old was very excited.

It was a short-lived elation. He’s a Spanish teacher – who loves Mexico. That’s the worst news for me, my years in Mexico were the worst of my life. I don’t like to speak in Spanish. I know I have issues around the subject, that’s no secret to anyone who knows me.

So imagine my dismay when my dad informs him that we lived there and that’s all he wants to talk about with me. When I told him that I don’t remember much Spanish, he actually offers to help me revive my dormant language skills. I pass.

Yea, Jesus is ironic like that. A cute, single boy who only wants to speak to me in Spanish about Mexico.

Not funny Jesus, so not funny.

Single Conclusion

I’ve been posting all week about the purpose and benefits of being single. It started as a joke I don’t know if I ever actually intended to follow through on my declaration that I’d post everyday on some aspect of being single. But I did and now at the end of the week I realize I’ve been on a journey of embracing the truth and calling of my life as it is right now, not the version I created in my head.

Single Importance

Is family too exalted in today’s society? Has having a family become next to godliness? Is this the mentality that makes singles feel isolated and unimportant in church today?

Rodney Clapp, author of Families at the Crossroads, Beyond traditional Modern Options believes so.

Most churches treat their singles ministries as little more than sanctified substitutes for singles bars. (Clapp, 89)

I can attest to that fact. I stopped attending our single’s service when we started to sponsor single’s dances in conjunction with other local churches. Why should I go to the sanctuary to awkwardly mingle and try to dance to the Backstreet Boys? Don’t we avoid bars becaues we’re tired of that scene why bring it into the church?

A right understanding and practice of singleness is crucial to the health of the Christian family – especially in a postmodern world. (Clapp, 89)

We live in a world of choices, sometimes its almost paralizing and we have no idea what to choose.  In the grocery story the other day the roommate pointed of that there are 18 different kind of mustard. So do we settle for routine and ambivalence because we have no help or training in how to choose what is best for us in a given situation or for our life?

"All kinds of things we are free from – but we have little to say about what we are free for."

Clapp says that in this era of choice the witness of Christian singles is the cornerstone of expressing true Christian freedom. Ooh, I never looked at it like that. In Christ’s death, resurrection and ushering in of the Kingdom of heaven tells us that marital status doesn’t matter. Really?

This requires a kingdom understanding of singleness and sexuality disovered in community.

Single Dating

Any discussion about singles must include dating. I’m going to avoid the typical conversation including such things as kissing dating goodbye, the purity line and other boundaries that are important to talk about but not today.

Instead let’s talk about dating as an activity. What we go through to obtain a date, enjoy a date and endure while dating. This reveals that by in large we are an optomistic people. In our 30s I say we lose the naivete that says every date could be the one but gosh darn it we keep throwing ourselves out there. We want to believe that we will find love. So we endure a lot – the good, the bad and the ridiculous.

Let’s face it, dating is absurd. You are spending quality time with a virtual stranger. This is time you could be spending with friends, cleaning, or organizing your sock drawer. Yet again and again we do it over and over. Not always for the right motives. Not always thinking its going to last forever.

Erika and I used to give alternative names to the guys I was going out with. We knew they weren’t going to last beyond a few dates so what’s the point of learning their real names. We had boat boy (cause he had a boat), elevator boy (we met in an elevator) and GH (for reasons that shall go untold). Sometimes the things that happen on dates are too ridiculous to be believed and you have to laugh, other dating occurrences are just painful and you have to keep them to yourself. Bottom line dating is mostly about the stories you get to tell your friends afterwards.

I once went on a date with someone I knew from work. He was 45 minutes late and his first comment was, “I hope you’re not hungry cause I stopped at the drive-thru on my way over.” He stopped to eat, what the heck, he asked me out. I’d hung out with this guy before and had no idea why he turned into a creep. We ended up at Dave and Busters, he got so engrossed in the video games he had no idea I was there. I actually left him while he was playing. I got tired of trying to talk to him. We were chilly to each other at work after that. He told his friends I was the one who changed.

All dates aren’t bad. I had a fabulous one in Phoenix, AZ. I met a guy at a trade show and we flew to AZ to hang out for the day. It was the best date I’ve ever had. We rode bikes, talked for hours, visited an old western town and ate Chinese food. I felt like I was finally getting to date like in the movies. All we needed was to set our day to music and it would have been a montage.

One avenue that has proved to be quite interesting and requiring its own set of rules is online dating. I am going to publicly confess that I have done it. I have experimented with e-harmony and match.com. Now I have to say e-harmony lured me in by the free personality profile. I am a sucker for self awareness. Few like to admit that they have partaken in this activity. For some reason there is still an faint smell of loserness associated with online dating. It doesn’t matter that most everyone does. It doesn’t matter than Neil Clark Warren is trying to base it on science and compatibility. It doesn’t even really matter that some people meet their future spouses there.

Online dating is a crap shoot. You may shun gambling in Vegas but every time you go online to find a date you are rolling the dice. Online you are often seeing one dimension of the person, the image they want to project. We’re talking higher deception that the typical honeymoon of dating usually allows for. I mean it’s normal to put your best foot and face forward in the beginning of a relationship, but online we can become the person we always wanted to be. This is our philosophical self instead of our real self.

I met someone from eharmony who told me that he was 24 (I was 26 at the time), a grad student at Cal State Northridge and lived with roommates. In reality he was 19, just started college and lived with his mommy.

UGH! As we get older it is harder and harder to meet people, so online dating is tempting. I have another friend that views it as a database of men. She fills out her criteria and presto chango someone who could be her soul mate pops up for the taking. So there you go.

Dating, it’s an animal. Sometimes I wonder if we should go back to arranged marriages, then we could at least blame our parents if it doesn’t work out. Why do we torture ourselves like this?

For the off chance it’s going to be amazing. You know those times. When you meet someone and time flies. They like the same things we like, want the same things we do, are capable of a great conversation, have a good sense of humor, and on top of that there is chemistry, which means they might like you back. LOL that’s the killer. That is the miracle of dating that makes us keep trying.

Single Temptations

I read a book in seminary called, Singles at the Crossroads by Albert Hsu. Finally a book that recognizes that churches are geared for families and leave out/don’t know what to do with the growing population of singles. It dispels myths about the gift of singleness, God’s will for singles, and fallacies of searching for “the right one.” It also deals with topics every single faces like loneliness, community, dating and sex.

One chapter that really got me thinking was about temptations that singles face. I thought it was going to be something about lust or settling for bad relationships, but instead it was about roadblocks to living a triumphant, content single life.

Hsu lists the temptations as:

1. Tempted to Put Life on Hold – How many singles do you know, perhaps even including yourself that think life begins at marriage and that singlehood is a stage to be passed through as quickly as possible? Tell-tale characteristics of this attitude are the lack of investment in anything long-term, living like they’re still in college and also referring to what they’ll do in the future with their spouse.

“Marriage is not the starting point for real life, salvation in Christ is.” (Hsu, 162)

Ooh see how we are already starting with God substitutes? Christ came so that we could live an abundant life regardless of our marital state. I’ll never forget when I decided to get a big girl bed. Until I was 25 I slept in a twin. I jokingly told my friends that I would not get a queen-sized bed until I had a man to put in it. I thought I was being funny but somewhere for me that was true. Now I am proud of my big girl bed and 600 thread count sheets, finishing grad school and the ability to go into a restaurant and eat by myself. I’m making lists of things I want to experience and do now. What do I dream of? God and I have stuff to do.

2. Tempted to be Overcommitted – People automatically think that singles have a ton of free time, I mean we’re not caring for a family so what do we do with all day? Remember in While you Were Sleeping, poor Lucy had to work every holiday so married people could be at home. Hsu points out that singles are often busier than marrieds because we have take care of our own cars, homes, errands, etc. Then when it comes to saying no we can’t use our kids or quality time at home to get out of anything. I tell my brother he had kids just to be able to leave boring parties early. We don’t have a noble excuse. Hsu says that single more quickly fall into workaholism, stress and burnout, because no one is telling us to come home earlier. See married people your spouse is helping you live longer.

“To counteract being overly busy, we must build margin into our schedules.” (Hsu, 164)

Hsu says the key to this is to say no whether we have an excuse or not. We don’t have to lie, which is tempting. I have a single friend that makes appointments on her day timer with herself that she does not break. She takes time to go to an exercise class, get a massage or something else that she loves to do. This is her time for herself. Another advantage of being single we probably have the discretionary income to do these luxuries.

3. Tempted to be Unaccountable – One of the disadvantages of living in an increasingly isolated and segmented society is that we are anonymous. We can hide. We can live secret lives. It is easier to wear a mask. To counteract this we need people in our lives that we can be authentic with. We need someone to share our lives with, that can know us and call us out on our crap. Small groups, mentorships and/or accountability groups are essential. This will also help us develop the tools necessary to have healthy relationships in general. Finding the right group or person to join us on this journey can be trying, but don’t give up. It isn’t just about keeping us away from what is bad but also to encourage us to dream, set goals and grow. This is part of the abundant life and it requires vulnerability. Yikes! Scary!

4. Tempted to have lousy holidays – I don’t think there is anything worse than spending the holidays alone, oh wait, yes I do. I hate going to other people’s house for the holidays. I don’t like to feel like I’m intruding on their family time. They may not see it that way, but I do. Hsu recognizes that this invitation can feel like pity and make the single feel more out of place than just being alone. One single in the book suggested volunteering during the holidays and to focus on others. Another option is to spend the holidays with other singles if you can’t go home. The bottom line seems to be this, “No one is responsible for my loneliness but me. Loneliness is a choice, not a necessity.” (Hsu, 170)

5. Tempted to live a life of regret – We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. We’ve made mistakes, some bigger than others. But we can’t live looking backwards. Who and what are we living for? I also think our weaknesses and errors are what connect us to others when we can be vulnerable enough in safe community to show who we really are. You never know when you’re just one step ahead of someone else, and they need the hope you have that they will make it.

“The challenge for all of us is to live the life we’ve been given, without fear and regret … since God will make all things new and provide us with eternal regards greater than anything we know.” – (Hsu, 171)

6. Tempted to be self-centered – When we are single do we become spoiled children and think the world revolves around ourselves? We control our lives completely, no one to answer to and no one to worry about, generally. We are independent, hear us roar. There is a fine line separating it from self-indulgence.

The antidote for living in selfish ways is to become intentional about how we manage our resources, whether time, money or relationships. We must ask ourselves, what am I doing to love my neighbor? What can I do to focus less on myself and more on others?”

The key is balance, for some it’s always about others. We don’t have the accountability (#3) or a family force this issue for us. We need to deliberate about our generosity in giving of what we have.

These temptations aren’t rocket science, but it is intentionality. We need to be aware of the decision we are making consciously or subconsciously. How are we developing our character? What kind of people do we want to be?

I want to live the life God has given me well.