Processing Life

These past few weeks have been difficult.

I’m interviewing for two different jobs. My dad is moving to a new house, so I’ve been helping him pack. I’ve also been traveling 4 hours back and forth from OH to IN to be with my aunt during chemo. Not to mention watching my nephews thrown in along with prepping for a big craft fair this Saturday both by making chocolate for my dad and jewelry for my mom. Oh and my dad had knee surgery today, so I sat at the hospital all day.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained. Physically tired. Soul weary.

The weather is turning cold. The skies are grey. The trees are naked and I feel like it all matches my mood right now. I’m on edge. Little things are bugging the crap out of me.

I’m not hopeless. I’m not freaking out about anything. Life is just stressful right now. I also realize that some of this is part of the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. As the oldest child I am now called on to stand in the gap, a lot. There are needs to be met. There are things that need to be done.

I’m also realizing how much of a team married couples are. When one of those people is removed from the equation there is a giant hole. With the move my mom would have packed, organized and transferred all services. My dad is responsible for finding the heavy lifters and getting it all moved. My dad didn’t stop to think about the things my mom usually does. This is just one example of many. As I step in to help I am hit with a wall of sadness and grief. There is a pain in realizing they are no longer a unit.

I could say no. I could walk away. I could draw harsh boundaries but I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to be involved. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and still take care of me yet.

I realize I need more me time. I know I need to find space to rest emotionally and spiritually. It’s just hard right now. I’m shuttling back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s house. I’m hoping that if I get the job I want it will buy me some space.

I especially feel responsible because my brother has removed himself completely. That is how he is choosing to cope. To me that is unacceptable. I can’t do that. Perhaps that is because I’m the firstborn and we naturally assume these roles. We naturally feel obligated. We are used to taking the reigns.

So it’s a whole bag of emotions. I need to get them out. I need to release them. Crying is part of it, but I also need to be creative. I think that’s why I’m so irritated right now. I haven’t had the time I want to focus on this show. I have had zero time to take photos. I haven’t been to a museum in a while. There have been no festivals to enjoy. I am also on people overload. As an introvert I need time alone. I have no space to be by myself. I have no space to call my own. I miss all my stuff that has been in boxes for almost two years.

So there’s a lot going on. It’s not life or death and I feel like I should insert some positive thing right here, but I can’t. It would be insincere. It’s not that I don’t feel positive. I can see lots of evidence of God moving in our lives. I feel settled into my skin more now than I ever have before.

It’s just hard right now. I’m jonesing for a trip to CA. I need to be with my peeps. I’m hoping it will work out that I can go for my 35th birthday. We’ll see.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , boundaries, creativity, divorce, drama, exhaustion, grief, introvert, job interviews, moving, personal space, quiet time, weary

Contemplating California

This trip back to California has been great. It has been wonderful to re-connect with friends, spend time in the sun and relax a bit after weeks of hecticness back in Ohio. I’ve felt peaceful for the first time in weeks.

I’m sure its no surprise that I’ve wondered if I want to move back here. Do I really want to stay in Ohio? When I think about it I just feel sad. I love my family but I feel like I’m slowly dying there. I have even blurted out to both of my parents this week that I don’t want to go back. I know they weren’t shocked. I also know this leaves my dad in the lurch with the business. He depends on me for a lot but they both want me to do what makes me happy.

I remember the reasons I returned, to deal with some of the demons from my past, reconnect with family and figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I feel like I’ve accomplished some of those things.

But even as I contemplate the possibility of moving somewhere else, I don’t know what I’m moving towards. I still don’t have a definitive career path. I still don’t have a goal for my life. So would I be returning with many of the same questions I left with?

Now I’m confused, sad, and emotional. I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere. I don’t have a sense of home in any place. I’m always wishing I were somewhere else. When I’m with my wonderful friends I miss my family. When I’m with my family I desperately miss the life and friends I have here. It’s a no win situation. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia , California, family, moving, Ohio

Empty

Janine and Tina moved out today. Our house is emptier and emptier. I will be there through Thursday and then leave on Friday morning for Ohio.

It really hit me as I came home tonight that life as I knew it is over. It was depressing to walk into the empty condo. There is no life left in it. Everything that made it a home is gone.

I will miss Tina’s smiling face asking me how my day was.
I will miss Janine yelling Marrrrti as I walk in the door.
I will miss Tina mooching food from me. LOL. It really was endearing, after a while
I will miss all the girl conversations with Janine, about really inappropriate and personal topics. LOL.
I will miss living with peers, in the same stage of life with me.
I will miss having them to debrief my day/dates/people with.
I will miss the sense of home we created together.
I will miss sitting at the kitchen eat-in yakking about anything and everything with them.
I will miss their generous hospitality. Everyone was always welcome at our house.

We are all so amazingly different. Sometimes I’m shocked one of us didn’t die and then there are those moments when it just worked. Maybe same sex roommates are a prep for marriage. Who knows. I do know that I learned so much from them this year. I was so blessed to be able to share a house with them.

So thank you Janine and Tina for helping to shape and mold me. You will forever be apart of me and I’m so glad that you’ll always be in my life somehow.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land , friends, moving, roommates

Love from Ohio

Apparently my brother is getting used to the idea of me living in Ohio because he has moved from cautious disapproval to all out welcome wagon.

As the singles pastor at his church he has taken it upon himself to find me friends. He knows me pretty well it will be interesting to see who he has found for me. As long as he sticks to just friends, and not dates, we’re all good.

My mom is at least sticking to finding me companies and jobs to apply to, that I know of. She has done a search on good companies in the area and sent me a couple. Knowing her I’m sure there has been announcements to all she knows that I’m coming and that I need friends and a job.

In all seriousness, I’m very grateful for all of their efforts. It means they’re excited about me coming back. I feel the love and the warm fuzzies have officially begun. I know I can take all of the prayers and sincere efforts I can get.

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Mi Familia , family, friends, moving, Ohio

Bittersweet

Today was one of those days when I wonder why I’m leaving.

We went to lunch at the Montage in Laguna Beach. We ate outside under the warm winter sun, basking in the 65 degree heat. We stolled along the palm-treed lined cliffs, listening to the roar of the ocean, breathing in the clean, salt air. It was relaxing, refreshing and invigorating.

We returned to work to go into a meeting with my favorite team. We presented concepts to them that incited a lively creative, brainstorming session. We came to clear, decisive conclusions. They are fun, loving, amazing people that make you love your job.

My immediate thought was, did I decide to leave too soon. But I know the answer is no. The decision to leave was a year in the making. But today is one of those bittersweet days when you realize things you’re leaving behind. I love who I work with. I will miss the comraderie and sense of family that has made working here survivable sometimes.

So while today was amazing, it was also a day of grieving.

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land, Working , beach, coworkers, job, moving, ocean, resigning

I really am moving

I don’t know why that fact keeps smacking me in the face this week.

It’s something I’ve known since last October. I’ve been thinking about it, planning for it. But now its really hitting me.

I’ve started packing. So far I have five boxes, of about 100 done.

We’ve turned in our 30-day notice at our condo.

I’ve started to schedule good-bye lunches and dinners with friends past and present. I want to make sure I get time with those people that are important to me.

I have my final to-do list at work. I’ve realized I only have two more paychecks.

While I’m excited about the future it’s still hard to let go. I want to take everyone with me, but I can’t. Inspite of all my restlessness I’ve been the most settled the past two years. I have great friends, who really know me, challenge me and help me be a better person. I’m happy with who I am at this point in my life. I know I have a lot of growth yet to happen, but I’m content. I don’t know when that snuck up on me. It’s a good feeling.

Filed under: Psychobabbling , friends, goodbye, moving, packing, resignation

No Brotherly Love

My big announcement to move back to Ohio didn’t go over very well with my brother either. He is convinced that with the type of life I lead here in CA I will be miserable back in Northeast Ohio. He agrees with Mikey that I will be bored and goes on further to say that I won’t fit in. Nice.

I wonder what exactly is my lifestyle that won’t go over in Ohio. He says having lived in CA will make it difficult for me to live in the bible belt. That I forget what true conservatism is. Perhaps.

Not exactly the warm-fuzzies I was hoping from my brother. I know he’s trying to be realistic, but at the same time it isn’t very encouraging either.

I know it will be a big change but I’m not expecting perfection. Maybe its the fact that we haven’t spent much time together as adults. We only see each other once a year if that and for a couple of years not at all.

It was still a bit disconcerting to hear him be so negative about it. But then he must be a processor like his son because every couple of days he’s mention something he was looking forward to about having me close – namely babysitting for the boys.

Maybe it will just take him a bit longer to get used to the idea. Not like he hasn’t had time. I told him in October I was thinking of moving back. Who knows.

This is still happening regardless of whether he’s ready for it or not. Luckily my parents are excited otherwise I’d have some serious doubts.

Filed under: Mi Familia , adjusting, brother, moving, Ohio

Dream of Lost Car

Last night I had one of my reoccuring dreams – a lost car.

This time rather than dreaming of a car I own or have owned I dreamt that I rented a classic car. I rented it from the high school in the small town I grew up in. I drove the car for a minute and then parked it. When I went back to find it, it was gone. I searched all over town for this car for the rest of the dream.

I haven’t had a dream about a lost car since October of 2005, right when my relationship with my ex started to fall apart. So maybe I have this dream when things are about to change and I’m a little unsure of myself. A dream of cars is about identity and position in life. A stolen car is about lost identity, isn’t that the truth. I guess the move back to Ohio is finally showing up in my dreams. My unconscious is finally starting to process, a good thing I suppose.

Filed under: About Me, Dreaming , car, dream analysis, identity, moving, Ohio

Big Changes

After 15 years I’ve decided it’s time to head east, I’m going to move back to Ohio to be closer to my family. It was a hard decision. I love it here. I have great friends, an amazing support system and there is so much to do. This is home.

But it’s time. I want to reconnect with my family. Spend more time with my nephews. It’s cheaper to fly to Europe from there. Ok, not really a reason but a fun bonus.

I’m nervous. Excited. Scared. Anxious. Ready. Not Ready. Sad. Thrilled.

I can’t really wrap my brain around the fact that I’m leaving. I visit Ohio, I haven’t lived there for 21 years. This isn’t an October Road situation. I’m not going back to all my childhood friends. I don’t really know anyone there beyond my family. Will I be able to find a job? What do I want to do? Will I be forced to work at Wal-Mart again? Am I being crazy?

Possibly. Probably. But you gotta shake things up every now and again. I’m telling myself that if after 3-6 months if I don’t like it I can come back. But it really feels like the end for me and Southern California.

So I am conducting my own farewell tour, revisiting favorite restaurants, touring former haunts, seeing people important to me and making sure I soak up all of the beach I can.

It’s just surreal. I don’t think I can quite wrap my brain around this notion that I’m leaving at the end of January. Six weeks. That’s it. Yikes.

Filed under: Mi Familia , California, family, mid-west, moving, Ohio, parents