The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, Friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Sex and The City [2008]

After much ado, the moment all SITC fans have been waiting for has arrived, the premiere of the movie. We finally get to catch up with Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda.

The series ended on a perfect note, I wasn’t sure how the movie could really expand on that. Each character had such a complete emotional journey where we saw them grow, develop and mature into their true selves.

I mean I was excited about the film I wasn’t sure I really wanted to watch reality hit them in the face. Carrie finally had Big, Miranda softened in her new life as wife and mother, Charlotte found true love, and Samantha became more than a walking vagina. There was a note of redemption to their characters. At the end of the series they seemed to be about a bit more than clothes, shoes, clubs, and sex. While sad the ride had come to an end I was satisfied with it.

But like the devoted follower I am I went to the see the movie opening weekend. I was disappointed I couldn’t go with my friends in CA, but Lisa and Kristen were kind enough to indulge my small obsession with these fashionistas for 2.5 hours. Seeing them larger than life on the big screen was like catching up with old friends. There were still funny, beautiful and outrageous.

But unlike the show after the movie ride ended I was a tad sick. It really took Carrie’s speech from the end of the show and blew it up. She said: “I’m looking for love, real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.” So the entire movie is her quest to determine if that love is enough.

Sarah Jessica Parker said in various interviews that the movie compares and contransts the angst of your 20s with the angst of your 40s. The 20s version of herself is representated by Jennifer Hudson in the form of her assistant, Louise. She’s naive, wholesome, determined and lovesick. I would say that accurately represents your 20s. But she is faced with a million possiblities and in contrast Carrie has boiled her life down to one. Is that what age brings you – one last ditch hope and effort for true love and happiness?

The entire movie is really asking if love lasts. Each girl represents a slice of what that feels like for women today. Each comes to grips and expresses her own personal truth and in the the end must remain true to who she is.

It felt shallow, somewhat unsatisfying, a tad long and a bit overindulgent. There were some genuine laughs and real tears but rather than a movie that stood on its own it was just a reunion show that could have been a tv movie of the week. As the devoted fan, who got HBO just to watch the show for its outrageously frank, controversial discussions of life, sex and love it was fun to catch up. But now I don’t really feel the need to see those friends again.

Filed under: Pop Culture , Carrie Bradshaw, HBO, love, relationships, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City

Five Love Language for Singles – Quality Time

The fourth love language is quality time.

Aaah now we’re talking my language. Quality time is all about being together. It’s focused attention. No distractions. It is true connection as you engage in quality conversation or activities.

When quality time is used as a means of expressing love it is a powerful, authentic connection. It isn’t about the activity, the focus is on what is happening between the people involved. This is all about emotional availibility and connection.

God made us for community. We need each other. We were not meant to do life alone. Yet it’s amazing how fragmented our relationships are and how lonely we feel. We hunger for this expression of love. Yet our lives are too busy, we don’t have the time to invest this way very often with many people.

Chapman identifies three main expressions of quality time: quality conversation, quality listening and quality activities.

Quality conversation is about “sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.”

A couple of weeks ago I spent the day with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We did many activities but never got the chance to sit down and really talk. I left feeling a little sad. I didn’t feel connected to her. While we had fun it wasn’t completely satisfying for me. I wanted to hear about her life, interact with her about mine and discuss what we were thinking and feeling about those things that mattered to us. We didn’t have a chance to sit and share life.

An important part of quality conversation is hearing. In order to be a quality conversationalist “I will focus on drawing you out, listening sympatheically to what you have to say. I will ask question, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires.”

It isn’t just hearing but listening to truly understand the situation and the person. It means listening for the emotions that underlie what they are saying, body language, giving undivided attention, not interrupting and clarifying what you are hearing from them. You aren’t thinking about what you’ll say next, but you are in the moment with them, emoting, encouraging, and paying attention.

The final quality time dialect is quality activities. It still isn’t really about the activity but the fact that you are doing it with someone you are about. The focus is on building memories, having shared experiences and giving someone else one of the most important things we have so little of, time.

This is why I love my day trips. I get quality, uninterrupted time one-on-one with people I enjoy spending time with. As we engage with our surroundings we’re also engaging with one another. It is sheer bliss for me.

The scary thing about quality time is opening up to another person, showing your feelings and inner most thoughts. You’re trusting them with who you are and what you like to do. Given past experiences in relationships this can be reduced to really shallow and unemotional exchanges.

I’ve been in relationships where we engage in many activities together and yet there is no connection whatsoever. I think this happens alot with co-workers. So when often when you change jobs you never talk to them again. It can also be this way with roommates. Just because you live with someone it doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time together. These relationships are frustrating.

Quality time is deliberate and intentional to build the relationship.

So for me quality time is invigorating, refreshing and life giving. I feel understood, enriched and well … loved. The people I can engage in quality time with are my soul feeders. My batteries get recharged and I leave their presence wanting more time.

Filed under: Reading, Single Serving, Small Grouping , , Gary Chapman, listening, love, quality time