The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, Friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Refusing to hold his tail up and other signs of growth

My poor mom has been housebound for two weeks. She is on zero-weight bearing from her foot surgery and with our lovely icy weather its just safer to stay indoors. Yesterday she devoted the afternoon to watching “The Dog Whisperer.” The story that stood out was about the runt of the liter that had no self-esteem.

The dog was very skittish, timid and fearful of people and most situations. Caesar came and said the way to make it feel better was to hold its tail up. It is a signal to the dog to be proud, be confident and to own its territory. This is why in dog shows they will hold the tail up while they are being judged. With this simple act they assume a difference stance and exude self-esteem. It’s amazing what we as human use to build our self-esteem. For some its job, cars, money, relationships or we seek constant reassurance and acts from others.

I’ve been having serious doubt about the guy I’ve been talking to lately. I knew immediately that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. There are lots of ex-wife issues, kid problems and job stuff abounding. He has a lot going on in his life. He doesn’t have the time or space for anything beyond friends. He doubts himself, what he has to offer and what he wants out of life right now. I recognized it and I made peace with it. In the past I would have chased after him, hung in there until the bitter end and convinced myself it was going to be different in the end. I thought we could just be friends, I really hoped for that. Everyone needs a friend.

But after a huge discussion today we decided to part ways. I realized that I was still reassuring him a lot. I got tired of explaining what I meant cause he took everything the wrong way. In essence I got tired of holding his tail up. I realized that even as his friend it was unhealthy for me. While I had completely detached from the notion of any sort of relationship he really isn’t even ready to be friends, which is ok. His reality is just really different from mine. No big deal.

So its over. No hard feelings. No lingering phone calls. No more text messages. It’s just done and I’m relieved.

Then last night as I was pondering the day I realized how huge that was for me. I wasn’t considering it my duty to fix him or make him a project. I simply decided to give him the room he needs to deal with his stuff without me. It’s ok to say no, I can’t help you. While hard to do it saves a lot of heartache.

Then I realized I used to be just like him. I was so insecure. When in a relationships I needed constant validation that everything was ok. I was so afraid of rocking the boat that the boat never went anywhere. God really has been working in my life and I didn’t even notice until just now. How about that. I am no longer the insecure girl that hides behind sarcasm to keep people at arms distance. Wow! That is amazing. I know what I have to offer in a relationship. I don’t have to constantly feel like the lucky one and that they putting up with me and I need to be eternally grateful for their presence bestowed upon me.

WHI-HOO! That is growth sister.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Relationshipping , confidence, dating, insecurity, issues, personal growth, relationships

Dating a Single Dad

One of the hazards of being single well into your 30s is that a lot of the eligible men in the dating pool are divorced. And where there is a divorce chances are there are kids too. Navigating these waters can be tricky. There are ex-wives, schedules, baggage, resentments and unresolved issues up the wazoo. The sad part is the kids and the new girlfriend are often the collateral damage.

My last serious relationship was with a single father. His daughter lived in another state so we’d been dating for a year before I met her. Yet when she was in town our relationship ceased to exist. He had no ability to balance parenting duties and boyfriend duties. Once I got to know her I figured out how to fit into their world. I helped fill in the gaps and made it my goal to help him be the best father he could be. But our relationship would stop growing because we had no time together.

It isn’t all bad, getting to know her was one of the great joys of my life. I got to be a fun aunt in her life for a while. I wasn’t responsible for parenting. I count myself as privileged to be one of the people in her life that loved her. It was fun to be a girly girl with her. We went and got pedicures together. She loves to read and so we spent lots of time in bookstores and libraries. There were also days we didn’t get along at all. Yet overall I am glad I was part of her life for a bit. But kids make a new relationship complicated. There are many unmitigating circumstances you have zero control of.

So a relationship with a single dad requires great flexibility, confidence and determination to make it work. As the new person in this equation you never really know where you stand or what your role is supposed to be. Your plans are always flexible. You most always come second. Even his relationship with the ex-wife predates yours, so she is still a pull in his life. One call from her can ruin the week because she pushes every button he has, often on purpose.

My mom said at my age I need to be remember that I’m choosing from the damaged ones. LOL. Classic mom line.

I’m revisitng these issues because I’ve recently met someone I really like and he’s a single father with three kids. The divorce was ugly and the residual effects are still very evident. We have great chemistry and a lot of fun but because of his situation I don’t know if it will work. His time is limited. His first priority are his kids, which I know is right.

I don’t have kids. I don’t fully know the weight of responsibility that rests on your shoulders as a parent. I can’t imagine how that is affected by a divorce, where as a father you don’t have the daily access to your children. It has to be hard.

Cognitively I know his time and attention are limited. We don’t have the same priorities. I want to be understanding and supportive but when plans change again and again I get frustrated. Am I ready for another relationship like this? I realize he’s not my ex and that perhaps he can balance fatherhood and dating, I really have no idea.

But ultimately, I’m afraid to hope, trust and let him in, those are my issues. LOL

Maybe we’re all damaged at this point.

Filed under: Relationshipping , dating, ex wife, issues, kids, single dad, single parent