The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, Friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Dream of the Past

I haven’t been dreaming lately but the other night after ranting and raving to God I had a doosy.

I was praying about why I was here in Ohio, why was I still struggling with so much restlessness in my life, where in the world was my prince charming and what did He plan to do about it. I cried. I yelled. I whimpered. I whined. He patiently listened and comforted me enough so I could finally fall sleep.

It was in my sleep that Te answered me. That night I dreamed that I finally met the man of my dreams. Ironically enough he was a rock star of some sort and had long hair, which I hate, but that is besides the point. I could sense that we were really in love. I just wanted to spend time with him. However, everytime we tried to date one of four people who have caused much trauma and destruction in my life would interrupt us. They would end up doing something that would prevent us from speaking to each other or engaging with one another at all. They were literally between us.

I told my mom the dream the next day and wondered aloud what it meant. She just laughed and said, “you have to be kidding me, you know what that means.”

After I thought about it for another minute I did. It is my past that is getting in the way of my future. This was God’s answer to me about why I’m restless, why I’m here in Ohio and what prevents me from obtaining his rock star best for me. It’s about dealing with the past to move forward. Ultimately it boils down to forgiveness.

UGH! It’s freeing and terrifying at the same time. After the dream, I stopped asking those questions for a few days. I’m afraid of what dealing with those issues means. I’m afraid of confrontation. I’m afraid he’ll ask me to let them back in my life. But I suppose in those instances he will be there to comfort me too.

Filed under: Dreaming, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , answered prayer, God, past, revelation, trauma

Lost piece of sanity and more

After the Elijah House training at church on Friday and Saturday, I was exhausted. As I started to pull my books out of the car I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to take all of my stuff out of my car. You know that small voice in the back of your head? The fleeting voice that you sometimes pay attention to but often dismiss as irrational or irrelevant.

I halfway paid attention, I started unloading some of the stuff that had accumulated all week. I took out my briefcase, books, purse, random mail (including credit card statements), etc. I dropped the GPS into the center console, so it was out of site, but I couldn’t carry my camera, which I had in my car to take photos of the beautiful fall foliage wherever I saw it. My precious Sony was wrapped up in my coat. I decided I would come back out to get in a little bit.

I got inside, some friends came over to show us their costumes, got to making dinner and I completely forgot about my camera out in the car.

Then at about midnight we started cleaning. We found some moldy bread and started cleaning out all of the cupboards, one of those small things that quickly escalates into a full blown project. So we were carting garbage in and out of the house until about 2:30 a.m. When I took out the last bag I felt weird, like someone was watching me. I actually stopped to make sure the garage door closed. I had a strange feeling that unless I did someone might come into the house. How weird is that?

This morning at about 9 a.m. my mom was banging on my door telling me to get up. I just rolled over and tried to ignore her. Then what she said next made me jump up and out of bed, “all of our cars have been broken into and your GPS is gone.” The feeling I had standing in the middle of the garage might have been because they were out there hiding.

I went out to the car to see what else was missing. They ransacked the car and emptied the contents of every compartment. I was immediately grateful that I unloaded the car there was nothing else in there. We made some really lame jokes with the sheriff and I headed inside. Then in a flash I remembered my camera was in the backseat of the car. I ran back to the car and it was gone. I hoped for a second, against all odds, that it fell into my briefcase but I knew it didn’t.

I was immediately devastated. I instantly started to cry. I think I sobbed for about two hours. I just couldn’t stop. It was like I hit a main water pipe. My camera is my escape hatch right now. I use it to relax and be creative. My photography is how I express myself, to lose that is awful.

I realize that I can buy another one. But I quickly realized the tears, sadness and devastation were about much more than a camera. It was about much more than the theft in general. Yea that sucks, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have been so stressed lately. The trouble with the business continues. The conditions of our loan have changed with the credit crunch. The lending agency now wants 100% collateral. We qualified for a city grant that the new mayor has changed to a loan, at the last minute, which also now requires 100% collateral. Every day is a stress wondering if we’ll have enough money to buy ingredients. Will we be able to continue production? We just ran out of our main ingredient and the next order will cost $15,000. Every week we wonder if we’re going to make payroll while we continue to be unpaid.

But it isn’t just limited to the business. Our air conditioner went out at the beginning of summer. So we spent a midwest sweltering summer with no air. Then about a month ago the hot water heater went out, so I’ve had to bathe at my brother’s house. Thank goodness he only lives about half a mile away. We also just discovered that the furnace is going out. How in the world can we afford to fix that before winter? I guess I need to be grateful that we have a fireplace. I tease that living in our house is like camping. But it isn’t funny.

Where is God? What is he doing? That has been my cry. We have sacrified everything we have to work with him to accomplish this vision he gave my dad. Did we misinterpret it? Is it he not in it? I keep telling myself that I just need to go out and get a job – whether it be temp or at Kohls. But every application I place goes no where. I never hear anything. All of my freelance has dried up. I don’t know what else to do.

I want to know what the freak is going on. Why are we walking in mud right now, up hill, in a rainstorm, with roller skates on. Are we going to turn the corner? Are we going to lose everything?

I ended up sleeping most of the day. I just couldn’t stay awake. When I woke up tonight I felt like I was in a fog. You know that emotional hangover after a heavy cry? But the refrain from one of my favorite praise songs kept going through my mind. “He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. Still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name.” It is so much easier to sing that song “when the world is all as is should be.”

The decision I have right now is my response. Somedays are better than on others, but at the end of today I can say, “Blessed be your name.”

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation, Working , blessing, camera, car, creativity, God, praises, sherrif, theft