Happy 35th Birthday to Me

What a wonderful day it was, full of my favorite things.

I slept in late. Then mom and I went to tea at First Ladies Tea Room in downtown Canton. We even wore hats and of course took lots of pictures. The tea was fantastic, I had Earl Grey de la Creme and Mom had Cinnamon Orange Spice.

Then thanks to my dear friend Erika and her fabulous present of relaxation and pampering I spent the afternoon at the Amadeus Spa. I was treated to a facial and make-up lesson. The facial was one hour of bliss. My skin feels radiant. Then the make-up was just girly fun. I learned new tricks for lip stain and that my eye lids are oily. Who knew?

Then tonight I had dinner with Mike, Rocio and the boys. We went to Quaker Steak & Lube for my favorite, chicken wings. We laughed, we ate, I got a glorious new red purse.

It was an unexpectedly wonderful day. I didn’t have high hopes or expectations of the day, but it was good. I got lots of love on Facebook from friends near and far.

Turns out turning 35 wasn’t so painful afterall.

The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Empty

Janine and Tina moved out today. Our house is emptier and emptier. I will be there through Thursday and then leave on Friday morning for Ohio.

It really hit me as I came home tonight that life as I knew it is over. It was depressing to walk into the empty condo. There is no life left in it. Everything that made it a home is gone.

I will miss Tina’s smiling face asking me how my day was.
I will miss Janine yelling Marrrrti as I walk in the door.
I will miss Tina mooching food from me. LOL. It really was endearing, after a while
I will miss all the girl conversations with Janine, about really inappropriate and personal topics. LOL.
I will miss living with peers, in the same stage of life with me.
I will miss having them to debrief my day/dates/people with.
I will miss the sense of home we created together.
I will miss sitting at the kitchen eat-in yakking about anything and everything with them.
I will miss their generous hospitality. Everyone was always welcome at our house.

We are all so amazingly different. Sometimes I’m shocked one of us didn’t die and then there are those moments when it just worked. Maybe same sex roommates are a prep for marriage. Who knows. I do know that I learned so much from them this year. I was so blessed to be able to share a house with them.

So thank you Janine and Tina for helping to shape and mold me. You will forever be apart of me and I’m so glad that you’ll always be in my life somehow.

Making Friends

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that making new friends is a lot like dating.

You have to find people you have chemistry and connection with. You often have to leave your comfort zone, put yourself out there and be open to new possibilities and opportunities.

One of the most important thing in every single person’s life is their friends. They often substitute for family, significant others and rescue us from ourselves on a regular basis. For the last 13 years I had a pretty steady group of people that I hung out with. They poured into my life and vice versa.

This year through relocation, marriage and other circumstances that core group of friends has drifted out of my life. I am still in touch with a couple of them but they are no longer a daily, regular part of my life. It was like I woke up one day and realized, I don’t have any friends. Now don’t cry for me Argentina. It was an overly dramatized realization, but still necessary.

For the first time in over a decade I had to make a concerted effort to find new friends. It felt like I had just moved to a new city, even though I’ve lived here for over a year.

This finding kindred spirits and simpatico people is hard work. I remember in college it felt like I was meeting new people every day. There were a constant barrage of people all over the place. Then I hit a rut. I was comfortable. I surrounded myself with a core group of people and I didn’t work that hard to reach out and meet anyone new.

Now I remember why. I am not an extrovert. A room full of strangers makes me very anxious. It’s hard for me to throw myself out there. I don’t like walking up to strangers. I hate attending events and not knowing anyone. I’d rather stay at home, call a trusted soul and stay in the familiar.

Then I realized this is like dating – throwing myself out there, trying to meet new people, being open to new things, not falling into the same patterns. Finding chemistry with a friend is almost as difficult is finding chemistry with a boy.

There are some people that you just don’t have anything to talk about and it’s awkward, weird and uncomfortable. Then there are those that are nice to talk but you wouldn’t want to hang out with them on a regular basis. Finally, once and a while you find a friend that you just click with, you have a lot in common, and can really share your heart and life.

That is as rare as a good date.

Same Sex Friends

Oprah Winfrey has recently denied rumors that she and best friend Gayle King are gay. Since they talk everyday, do many things together and obviously have a very deep connection some have assumed that the relationship must be sexual and that they are denying a gay connection.

What does that say when we assume that two same-sexed people cannot share such a bond without a sexual component to the relationship? Is it that we struggle to put everyone in a box and because two single women are friends they must be gay?

I think part of the difference lies between how men and women experience friendship, which is very different.

For men it is about activity and is often very superficial. Rarely do they have relationships where it is appropriate or comfortable to share emotions and struggles. Instead in their same sex friendships they remain competitive and at a distance from each other, preferring to speak “side by side” instead of “face to face.”

It has been noted that while playing a sport or engaging in activity together men share facts. For example, during a game of pool they will talk about sports and then in a burst one will say, “and my wife and I decided to divorce.” His friend will make a short comment back saying, “that’s too bad,” but the conversation will move on. Then a little while later, the friend might ask a question requiring another factual response, “when did you decide to do this?” Think of the scene in When Harry Met Sally, when Harry and Jess are at the baseball game.

I know many men that don’t have close friends outside of their wives. They might have a guy or two they can call on for a game, but no other men that they regularly invest in or vice versa. What does this say about a father’s connection to his son? What are we teaching our boys about emotional availability? I think this is especially true as men get older. In college activity buddies are plenty as life gets busier since there is nothing holding the relationship together but an occassional game or outing when other things take their place the frienship dissapates.

Women on the other hand emote with one another. They share graphic details and in turn enmesh their lives with one another. This is why frequent updates are required because we sustain the emotional connection with one another with information. It may or may not be about the fact, but is about how we feel, what we need, expect, want in comparison to what we receive or are offered.

So when two women like Oprah and Gayle are open about their relationship it might be difficult for men, or those who communicate differently to understand. It isn’t about sex, it’s about the connection. The attraction, stimulation and sustenance of the relationship has nothing to do with physicality but instead with emotions.

When Joanna and I lived together we had several people wonder if we were gay. We might have been co-dependent but not gay. I think a lesbian relationship might be easier than a relationship with a man at times, but no we weren’t. Never even crossed our minds. Instead we chose to live our lives in such a way, for a time, that we stay connected in many aspects of our lives.

Given that we experience friendships so differently it is crucial that we maintain strong same sex friends. Imagine how empty a woman’s life would be if she had to depend on her boyfriend or husband entirely for emotional fulfillment. She would be a starving woman. That is why its so detrimental to her soul when she abandons her friends for a man. He isn’t capable of, nor is he supposed to fulfill her every need.

I bet men with no activity buddies get lonely. Does he then expect his wife or significant other then to want to play sports, work on cars and participate in the other activities that he would normally do with another guy?

It is about community. This is why we need to surround ourselves with different types of people who offer us different things. The only entity that is able to be our everything is God. He knows us intimately. He sees who we are in public and private. The psalmist says that he “hems us in.” This means that he is all around us. This idea that God is so close can be scary, when we think in abstract of the almighty God seeing us but its also comforting. It is the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth knows me, my needs, wants and desires. He sees into my heart for who I am. Wow. That is overwhelming.

But the good thing is he made us to need each other. I think this is why its so essential that church teach people how to be in relationship. The essence of the church is Koinonia. With increasingly numbers of divorces, addictions and other things that tear up our lives we need a place of refuge where we can receive unconditional acceptance as we learn to become more like Christ.

I kind of got carried away, but you know what I mean.