Processing Life

These past few weeks have been difficult.

I’m interviewing for two different jobs. My dad is moving to a new house, so I’ve been helping him pack. I’ve also been traveling 4 hours back and forth from OH to IN to be with my aunt during chemo. Not to mention watching my nephews thrown in along with prepping for a big craft fair this Saturday both by making chocolate for my dad and jewelry for my mom. Oh and my dad had knee surgery today, so I sat at the hospital all day.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained. Physically tired. Soul weary.

The weather is turning cold. The skies are grey. The trees are naked and I feel like it all matches my mood right now. I’m on edge. Little things are bugging the crap out of me.

I’m not hopeless. I’m not freaking out about anything. Life is just stressful right now. I also realize that some of this is part of the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. As the oldest child I am now called on to stand in the gap, a lot. There are needs to be met. There are things that need to be done.

I’m also realizing how much of a team married couples are. When one of those people is removed from the equation there is a giant hole. With the move my mom would have packed, organized and transferred all services. My dad is responsible for finding the heavy lifters and getting it all moved. My dad didn’t stop to think about the things my mom usually does. This is just one example of many. As I step in to help I am hit with a wall of sadness and grief. There is a pain in realizing they are no longer a unit.

I could say no. I could walk away. I could draw harsh boundaries but I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to be involved. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and still take care of me yet.

I realize I need more me time. I know I need to find space to rest emotionally and spiritually. It’s just hard right now. I’m shuttling back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s house. I’m hoping that if I get the job I want it will buy me some space.

I especially feel responsible because my brother has removed himself completely. That is how he is choosing to cope. To me that is unacceptable. I can’t do that. Perhaps that is because I’m the firstborn and we naturally assume these roles. We naturally feel obligated. We are used to taking the reigns.

So it’s a whole bag of emotions. I need to get them out. I need to release them. Crying is part of it, but I also need to be creative. I think that’s why I’m so irritated right now. I haven’t had the time I want to focus on this show. I have had zero time to take photos. I haven’t been to a museum in a while. There have been no festivals to enjoy. I am also on people overload. As an introvert I need time alone. I have no space to be by myself. I have no space to call my own. I miss all my stuff that has been in boxes for almost two years.

So there’s a lot going on. It’s not life or death and I feel like I should insert some positive thing right here, but I can’t. It would be insincere. It’s not that I don’t feel positive. I can see lots of evidence of God moving in our lives. I feel settled into my skin more now than I ever have before.

It’s just hard right now. I’m jonesing for a trip to CA. I need to be with my peeps. I’m hoping it will work out that I can go for my 35th birthday. We’ll see.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , boundaries, creativity, divorce, drama, exhaustion, grief, introvert, job interviews, moving, personal space, quiet time, weary

NaBloPoMo

Apparently November is National Blog Posting Month. I’m up for a new challenge. I need a new discipline so I’m going to attempt to blog everyday for a month. We’ll see how this goes. Normally I’m lucky to get in one blog post a week. It will force me to be creative. I need some help in that department.

Filed under: Bloglicious , blog, creativity, NaBloPoMo, writing

Lost piece of sanity and more

After the Elijah House training at church on Friday and Saturday, I was exhausted. As I started to pull my books out of the car I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to take all of my stuff out of my car. You know that small voice in the back of your head? The fleeting voice that you sometimes pay attention to but often dismiss as irrational or irrelevant.

I halfway paid attention, I started unloading some of the stuff that had accumulated all week. I took out my briefcase, books, purse, random mail (including credit card statements), etc. I dropped the GPS into the center console, so it was out of site, but I couldn’t carry my camera, which I had in my car to take photos of the beautiful fall foliage wherever I saw it. My precious Sony was wrapped up in my coat. I decided I would come back out to get in a little bit.

I got inside, some friends came over to show us their costumes, got to making dinner and I completely forgot about my camera out in the car.

Then at about midnight we started cleaning. We found some moldy bread and started cleaning out all of the cupboards, one of those small things that quickly escalates into a full blown project. So we were carting garbage in and out of the house until about 2:30 a.m. When I took out the last bag I felt weird, like someone was watching me. I actually stopped to make sure the garage door closed. I had a strange feeling that unless I did someone might come into the house. How weird is that?

This morning at about 9 a.m. my mom was banging on my door telling me to get up. I just rolled over and tried to ignore her. Then what she said next made me jump up and out of bed, “all of our cars have been broken into and your GPS is gone.” The feeling I had standing in the middle of the garage might have been because they were out there hiding.

I went out to the car to see what else was missing. They ransacked the car and emptied the contents of every compartment. I was immediately grateful that I unloaded the car there was nothing else in there. We made some really lame jokes with the sheriff and I headed inside. Then in a flash I remembered my camera was in the backseat of the car. I ran back to the car and it was gone. I hoped for a second, against all odds, that it fell into my briefcase but I knew it didn’t.

I was immediately devastated. I instantly started to cry. I think I sobbed for about two hours. I just couldn’t stop. It was like I hit a main water pipe. My camera is my escape hatch right now. I use it to relax and be creative. My photography is how I express myself, to lose that is awful.

I realize that I can buy another one. But I quickly realized the tears, sadness and devastation were about much more than a camera. It was about much more than the theft in general. Yea that sucks, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have been so stressed lately. The trouble with the business continues. The conditions of our loan have changed with the credit crunch. The lending agency now wants 100% collateral. We qualified for a city grant that the new mayor has changed to a loan, at the last minute, which also now requires 100% collateral. Every day is a stress wondering if we’ll have enough money to buy ingredients. Will we be able to continue production? We just ran out of our main ingredient and the next order will cost $15,000. Every week we wonder if we’re going to make payroll while we continue to be unpaid.

But it isn’t just limited to the business. Our air conditioner went out at the beginning of summer. So we spent a midwest sweltering summer with no air. Then about a month ago the hot water heater went out, so I’ve had to bathe at my brother’s house. Thank goodness he only lives about half a mile away. We also just discovered that the furnace is going out. How in the world can we afford to fix that before winter? I guess I need to be grateful that we have a fireplace. I tease that living in our house is like camping. But it isn’t funny.

Where is God? What is he doing? That has been my cry. We have sacrified everything we have to work with him to accomplish this vision he gave my dad. Did we misinterpret it? Is it he not in it? I keep telling myself that I just need to go out and get a job – whether it be temp or at Kohls. But every application I place goes no where. I never hear anything. All of my freelance has dried up. I don’t know what else to do.

I want to know what the freak is going on. Why are we walking in mud right now, up hill, in a rainstorm, with roller skates on. Are we going to turn the corner? Are we going to lose everything?

I ended up sleeping most of the day. I just couldn’t stay awake. When I woke up tonight I felt like I was in a fog. You know that emotional hangover after a heavy cry? But the refrain from one of my favorite praise songs kept going through my mind. “He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. Still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name.” It is so much easier to sing that song “when the world is all as is should be.”

The decision I have right now is my response. Somedays are better than on others, but at the end of today I can say, “Blessed be your name.”

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation, Working , blessing, camera, car, creativity, God, praises, sherrif, theft