Updating my Wineskins July 14, 2008

Last week in church we talked about the importance of becoming new wineskins. Then I heard a conference session from Marcos Witt on how to prevent staleness in our lives as we create situations and circumstances (wineskins) to grow and change.

Now I’ve heard the wineskin parable a million times but never really applied it to my life in this way. So, honestly what does that mean? What is a wineskin? I’ve been wine tasting enough to see wine in barrells but never in a skin of anysort. So the idea of not putting new wine in an old wineskin doesn’t really resonate with me.

As I grapple with this I’d i’ve realize that the idea of a wineskin is about constructs, skemas, ideas, traditions, religion, perhaps even a location, church, friends, or other relationship. We get new wine as we begin to change. It is a fresh understanding, healing, wholeness that comes as we grow and learn. This new information doesn’t fit into the existing structures we’ve created in our minds and hearts.

For me living in California was a wineskin. It was familiar, safe, comfortable and to some extent easy. There was a routine and rhythm to my life that was good, it worked. Yet I could float through life a bit. I wasn’t really challenged. I was only pushed when I allowed it. I was well-defined there. I had a job, a role to play, friends, and history.

Now here I have no context for anything, including me. Everything here is so different - how they talk, the foods they eat, even how they drive. Aaahh, so our wineskins are part of our identity, they define our worlds. It’s the structure on which we hang other information.

Yet in our comfort we can become legalistic, ritualistic and too tied to tradition. I had a very well defined way that I lived and related to others. I met everyone with a filter sarcasm and cynicism including God. To stay fresh in our lives we need to let ourselves be stretched, pulled out of our comfort zones to force us to engage in a new way, with a new perspective. Ooh I’d say that is where I am living these days.

To become new wineskins is to stay close to the heart of God, Witt says, because He changes his methods to capture our hearts. While his nature is unchanging Christ shed his divinity to be human so we could be restored (Phil 2). So how he relates to us changes on how he needs to get our attention. Being in a rut and tied to our existing way of doing things will render us ineffective in reaching out to others in service, in being flexible to learn and I would think in applying grace to ourselves and others.

In the end, the freshness of our wineskins is tied to our sense of wonder. Are we able to worship God with wonder and innocence of a child. Are we intrigued by the small things or are we bitter and cynical? I can confess am cynical. I grew stale. I doubted everything and could see the negative in everything. I constantly waited for the other shoe. Some of this was for survival. Some of this is from experience. Some of this is out of fear. I have to learn to trust God enough to let the wonder back into my life. I have to learn how to let go and let things be unplanned and out of my control. That is the biggest fallacy. We are never in control of anything and its our desperate grasp to try and control it that ends up in frustration and resentment because its impossible.

So life is really all about how we deal with change. Do we become stale in our existance, floating through life letting it go by as we stay safe in our same ole, same ole? Or do we let ourselves become agents of change as we become more authentic, transparents and pliable for whatever it is that God wants to do through us.

That is where I am? I still have parts of my heart that need to be broken. I still need to be molded, changed. There are still parts of me that are unconverted. I am saved, which happens in an instant but conversion take a life time. I struggle with unbelief sometimes. There are aspects of becoming Christlike that I rebel against and just don’t like. I was talking with a friend a while back and we were talking about discipleship and how hard it was to let go of some of our “flesh.” Discipleship is painful.

Anyway, I digress. I am just thinking outloud here. I am still struggling with life here. I know for a fact that I needed to move. But I thought that once I did some magical, mystical path would open before and I would suggently realize what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead I’m in Ohio, still lost, completely outside of my comfort zone and freaked out.

I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found this yellow, brick road? It doesn’t stick with me that all God cares about is the relationship. He just wants me to be close. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to trust him. I have trouble reckoning in my brain that freaked out and still lost is exactly where he wants me right now. That’s when I lean into him.

This seems to be a lesson I’m not getting because everytime I take a step I wait for the a-ha moment where it all makes sense. Maybe my a-ha moment won’t come for a while or ever. Not sure. But the goal has to be the same - an intimate relationship with God. I don’t do vulnerable very well. I have touble letting people in, even an omniscient, all-powerful God. I guess that’s the wineskin that needs most updating.

Three Months In May 3, 2008

I am on the third month of my big adventure away from everything I know.

In the last month we officially welcomed spring. The snow melted, the grass got green, the trees flowered and everything looked so pretty. It is awesome to wear short sleeves, be outside and not worry about ice.

I realized that while California has the facade of a laid-back lifestyle it is really an intense, crazy, busy place. I think, in part, that is due to the fact that there is no winter or weather forcing you to slow down, take it easy and hibernate. In California there is no real reason to stay inside - except for the occassional wildfire. Most of the time you are compelled to be out and about simply because you can. Here, in Ohio, you are forced to slow down, be inside, be with your family and take it slow for several months of the year.

I enjoy the slower pace sometimes, but after a while it gets a little old. There really is little to nothing to do here. Since the majority of the people my age have three or four kids everyone’s life centers around family activities. Churches here don’t even really pretend to have a singles program. They don’t really have to since if you are single its because you’re in college or in your 40s and divorced.

I need to get to a bigger city. I’m starting to shrivel. My brain is starting to hurt. I’m tired of doing nothing. I am a city girl. I need smog. I need traffic. I need architecture. I need theatre. I need culture. So the novelty has definitely worn off. I still enjoy being with my family but they actually have lives here and I don’t. I can’t picture myself here. I don’t know what to do here or how to just be here.

I am still asking the same questions about life. I wonder if I put that on hold living for my trips to California. I need to get back on my quest. I need to seek God more diligently, whatever that looks like. I don’t know how to do that. But I’m convinced I’m not doing it well enough - being a perfectionist is exhausting.

So no major breakthroughs. No major growth. No major discoveries. I expected more by now. I thought I’d have more a clue about something, but I don’t. The story of my life continues.

The Shack April 29, 2008

At work this week people were all a-twitter about this book called, The Shack. They were using words like amazing, revolutionary, inspiring and life-changing. Wow! That’s a tall order for a book. So Ty lent me her copy and I read it today on the plane.

All I can say is, oh my goodness. This is book is amazing, revolutionary, inspiring and life-changing. It tells the story of Mackenzie Phillips and his encounter with God after the murder of his daughter. Grappling with a great sadness that cripples his life, he shuts out God and abandons his faith. But God in his infinite love comes to find him, quite literally.

The Shack provides a refreshingly new look at how God interacts with us and what he really wants from us, a relationship. This is definitely not a trite, cliched Christian novel. It is about a journey to the heart of God and what he wants to tell us.

There were moments where I so identified with the character that I was sobbing, he echoed the cries and questions of my heart. I finally got a glimpse of what “being with God” is all about. I don’t even think I understood some of it, or agreed with all of it, but I walked off the plane tonight feeling like I spent the day with God himself. That’s a good book.

Back to the Motherland April 23, 2008

I am back in California this week for work. I am so loving the weather and being with friends. As usual the week is a whirlwind of activity and people. I hardly know where to do or what to do first. I feel like a cartoon character whose feet are moving 8 million miles an hour.

When I came back last month it felt weird. I was acutely aware of the fact that I didn’t live here anymore. Everything felt odd, I didn’t know where I belonged or what I was supposed to do. This time it felt like coming home. I wanted to go back to our condo, with my roommates and to my stuff.

In someways I feel like I never left. I have amazing friends that keep up with me and stay connected to me so being here with them is just a continuation of a perpetual conversation. Only now instead of wracking up the minutes on the phone it’s in person, over a delicious meal, or while doing something we love, like riding Tower of Terror. In some ways, I feel more like me when I’m here. It’s more familiar. I know where I am. I know how to get most places. The routine is familiar. The people are known.

But I am also acutely aware that I am not supposed to be here right now. This is time for faith stretching, discovering new parts of me, making new friends (with my family), learning to trust in the unknown. I still don’t have answers to the questions God is asking of me and that I am asking him. In many ways its easier to live with that confusion and uncertainty in the unfamiliar, because then I have no way or desire to wrestle control away from him. I need him everyday for sanity. I depend on him everyday for direction. I have to seek him in ways I never had to here.

It’s still hard. I still really don’t like Ohio. I’m still often bored. But in Ohio God has my undivided attention, I have nothing else to do. I hope I learn quickly. I learn better through adversity. I’m just stubborn like that.

Being vs Doing April 20, 2008

The other night I had a great conversation with a friend from California. I miss my friends so much. While I love being with my family they weren’t really part of the last 15 years of my life. The majority of my history is with friends. So I miss that part of me. I miss hanging out. I miss experiencing life with them.

Anyway, Debbie and I had an amazing conversation catching up on life and I got a chance to think out loud about my life here in Ohio. I find myself growing restless (shocker I know). I want to know what’s next. Where am I going? What will I do? What job will I have? Where will I live? As I processed this outloud I realized another reason why I’m here. I have to learn how to be still.

I am Martha.

It is more than my name it is a state of mind. I so identify with Martha in the bible. She was organized, efficient, and worried about taking care of people. She nearly missed out on being with Jesus because she was concerned with the household chores. Jesus actually rebuked her attitude.

I am like that. I am master of details, a schedule and planning. I lived my life constantly on the go. I had every night booked. I hated to be quiet. I never sat still. I wasn’t comfortable doing nothing. It made me antsy and anxious. It felt like I was wasting time. There had to be a purpose to everything. I lived a life completely overstimulated.

Cut to, moving to Ohio. There really is nothing to do here. I kid you not. For four to five months out of the year you’re stuck inside, and that’s just winter. This year we had record snow falls, up to 20 inches one weekend. Forget about summer where its so flippin hot that just walking outside requires another shower. Not to mention the nuclear sized bugs that have the power to eat you alive.

At first it was nice to relax, settle down, and enjoy the quiet life. That wore off, after about 6 weeks. I have started to go a little stir crazy. itching to get out, do something, go somewhere. A big day for me now is going to Wal-Mart, playing Guitar Hero with my nephews, and baking some cookies. I don’t even recognize myself. I often fight against slipping into a sort of depression. I have no energy. I sleep all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my life. Who I am I now?

I am finding I have to force myself to think of the benefits. It’s nice to have no schedule sometimes. I am free to go and do anything during the day. I am free to wander off and explore unknown areas - where, no idea, but I could if Ohio quickily sprouted something to look at.

I need to be grateful for this time to unwind, figure out what I want and just be. I am not what I do. I am not where I go. I need to be still. This applies to my relationship with God as well. I’m finding that the more quiet I can become the more I can hear him. Shocker. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

I have to create space for him in my life, beyond church, beyond rushing through devotions, and beyond reading spiritual books. I’m learning to discover how to just sit with him. It’s so hard. I tried to sit in silence a few weeks ago and I think I got maybe 10 good minutes in. The rest of the time my mind wandered to a million topics ranging from weather to world peace. I gave up.

But I can say I am beginning to settle down. As my brain unwinds it’s amazing how much easier it is to concentrate on anything, not just God. I am learning simple pleasures. I feel like I’m in a detox program of somesort. Now that I’m off the overstimulation of life in CA I can really smell the roses. I’m enjoying my gardening and baking. LOL. It feels so pendantic but its been great.

Happy Passover April 18, 2008

Tonight we went to local Messianic Jewish temple to celebrate Passover with them.

I have never participated in this festival before. It was interesting and very long. We started at 6 and got home at 10:30 p.m. In protestant terms that’s a long time at church.

Passover is the Jewish celebration of God’s deliverance from Egypt and freedom from bondage and slavery. Celebration of this is fulfillment of His commandment to tell future generations of his goodness, provision and salvation.

We ate foods that reminded us of the bitterness of suffering, the tears shed by those in captivity and the offering of salvation through the lamb. A lot of the service was in Hebrew with select English translations.

The significance of each portion of the evening is amazing. But what I never connected before was how this ties into Jesus and his death on the cross. I always knew that the first communion took place during Passover, which is why the disciples were gathered in the Upper Room. But Jesus was showing them how he would offer total freedom from the bondage of sin with his body and blood.

It was a great history lesson and a reminder of how God is the same yesterday, today and forever. His mercies are new everyday because of he gave us Christ.

Happy Easter March 23, 2008

Last night my mom and I were running around prepping the house for Easter dinner. Not quite as intense as Christmas but there are still certain rituals that are important to observe.

The second most important is to set the table with proper Easter attire. [The first is the food.]This includes an entire tablescape - tablecloth, placemates, festive cloth napkins, flowers, dishes and glassware. I was busy with my red velvet cupcakes and we put on some worship music.

As we hustled and bustled around making sure we’d be ready for dinner my new favorite worship song came on, Lord you are good. It is best heard with a full gospel choir. The majority of the song is just the repetition of the phrase, “Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever.”

It made me think about Easter and how the ultimate reflection of that goodness is Christ’s suffering on the cross and ultimate triumph over sin for us to live victoriously. I can’t really wrap my brain around that. He is good in a way I don’t know how to be “good.” Not just good enough and more than favorable, satisfactory, honorable or adequate.

That word doesn’t even begin to describe the essence of his character that loves us so much he endured ultimate suffering for us to live forever with him.

I pray this Easter, as we are reminded of Christ’s death on the cross and miraculous resurrection, that we would discover the power of a risen Lord in a new way. That the day of celebration be more than tradition but one where we encounter the power of the abundant life he died to offer us in his name.

And twice on Sunday March 7, 2008

For the first time in about 8 gamillion years I went to church twice last Sunday. My old church ran the same service 18 times a weekend, so there was need to go only go once and my church duty was done.

I know its a terrible attitude and I am really working hard to rectify it. Ok. Maybe not so much. What can I say, church not always my favorite place to be. Anyway, my parents have been raving about this pastor from Uganda that was coming back to their church to speak. His name is Jackson Senyonga.

All I can say is wow! I haven’t heard preaching like that in a while. It was poignant, funny, convicting and educational. Here it is the following Friday and I’m still chewing on it, that’s good stuff.

While I enjoyed the morning service with him where he taught about the four things we learn from people in hell [based on the parable in Luke 16] it was the evening service where we spoke about how we become agents of transformation that has me still pondering. He preached that night from Ezekiel about how God prepared him to be used for service. That is what I’ve been struggling to define, figure out and determine in my life. What in the world am I called to? I have no idea.

According to Jackson, the first thing God did with Ezekiel is meet him in a divine encounter. God showed up so that he could be experienced first hand. God always starts with the relationship. We have to fall in love with him and invite his adventure. Jackson said that we are called to thrive in God. We learn to do that through a whole lot of prayer. “When prayer meets presence this is the atmosphere for miracles.” Yikes. I have trouble praying for five minutes let alone enough to usher in an atmosphere for miracles. My mind wanders too much.

This kind of presence comes at a price. We can’t short circuit, speed up or microwave our annointing. It means praying until my mind calms down, so that I can learn how to live in God’s examining, overwhelming, all-encompassing presence. Do I know how to love that much? Can I let him love me that much, until I am wholly dependent? Ah yes, for me it always comes back to control.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve every felt this kind of overwhelming hunger for God. I think when people recognize their need for God as an adult they are driven by that need to seek and know him. I grew up in the church and have just always known about him. Granted, my life was by no means idyllic, but I think I took him for granted. So how do I transcend that gulf?

Jackson made the comparison to having a dinner party. The host spends all day cooking for the guests and then finds out they stopped at McDonald’s on the way over and aren’t hungry. When we aren’t hungry we get picky and selective about what we’re willing to eat. We’ll have the salad with no cucumber or tomatoes with the dressing on the side. Never mind that the host had the cucumbers and tomatoes marinating all day just waiting for me to devour them with all of their basic and balsamic vinegar goodness. I’m missing out because I filled up on a cheap hamburger.

In contrast when you haven’t eaten and are waiting for this amazing meal you can’t get enough. You savor every bite. It tastes like the best thing you’ve ever had. I don’t know how to feel that way about God. Maybe that’s a new prayer for me - help me get hungry God. I want to crave more of you. I want a deep longing for your presence and Word. How would my life change if God were truly center and foremost like that in my heart and mind. I would be consumed, enveloped, and surrounded by Him.

If I could ache for God like I often do for chocolate, then I can be “compelled into God’s glory.” This is surrender. It is a yielding to what God is doing in the moment. I have to reject my agenda and die to myself. This requires a new kind of prayer, “Lord help me find where I am in the way and help me get rid of it.”

That is a dangerous prayer. Am I really ready to let go of convenience, comfort, familiarity, pride, entitlement, knowledge, intellect and anything else that prevents me from living in God’s moment, not mine. I think its in these moments that God shows us more of who he is, so that we can realize how much we need to get rid of. But at the end of the day sacrifice produces power, because we are tapping into God’s strength not ours. We are able to get out of the way and let him work supernaturally instead of only through what we can imagine possible. This is when the unimaginable becomes reality.

After all this prep work God is ready to speak. It is when we are surrounded by him and surrendered to him that he can let his will be born in us, because he knows we’ll actually go do it. He is no longer wrestling with my will. I am no longer manipulating his plan. I also have the faith to realize that he will give me the tools and resources I need to complete his plan. It will be successful. I don’t have to wonder if it will happen, I just have to act. Now is the time for action, to stand in his power, and to honor his name because a new season has come. WOW!

I think sometimes I float in and through various levels of commitment to these things. One thing I have learned in my 33 years of life is that nothing I can dream of or imagine for myself is as wonderful as God has planned for me. For a long time I put a lot of caveats on how he could use me. I had too many things I wanted to do first or instead of anything I could imagine that he wanted from me.

Over the past few years I’ve learned that God has given me certain desires for life that he just wants me to offer back. The service he has planned for me is one that will use these gifts for him often doing what I love to do, imagine that. But I have to let go of the process. I have to let him lead. So I still try to manipulate, get passive aggressive and offer God helpful hints on how I think things should be done.

But I think one level beneath this knowledge and awareness is full surrender to the plan, come what may. Am I really ready to let go completely. I long for the passion and fire to serve God. Most days I just feel blah and uninspired. I don’t have a vision or a plan, so maybe I haven’t been consumed or compelled into his glory yet, I’m still holding onto pieces of mine. Definitely things to pray about and through.

It is definitely good stuff. Jackson was an amazing speaker. His story is even more compelling. His parents literally through him in the trash as a baby. He was sick and they didn’t have the money to care for him and so they took him to the dump. They figured he was going to die anyway, so they might as well get rid of him. His grandmother rescued him and soon his care was overwhelming for her so she took him back to the trash pile. Finally his aunt felt sorry for him and fished him out and took him home. He said she never loved him but did keep him alive. Then with an amazing smile he says, “God had other plans for me.” The assurance of the presence of God in his life is so evident. He is consumed by God and his will for his life. There is no question. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak I highly recommend it.

His ministry, Christian Life Ministries works with orphans and widows in Uganda to create leaders for tomorrow. His church, the largest the world, is prolific in planting churches throughout the continent, with the sole goal of reaching Africa for God. It’s a God-sized goal that he has no doubt will be accomplished.

Reframing: A Brand New Day February 7, 2008

I woke up this morning still feeling exhausted, lost, confused and unsure.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am stripped of everything that I have ever identified myself with: job, school, friends, boyfriend, state, etc. It’s all gone. I am down to just me. There is no longer anything to hide behind. I am truly naked, metaphorically anyway. While its healthy to grieve I can feel myself slipping into self-pity, letting the fear take over.

As I contemplated this situation one fact kept coming back to mind, I chose this. I didn’t have to move back to Ohio but I did. I also choose how I react. I can leave. I can mope. I can make myself miserable. OR I can decide to see what God has for me. I can look for adventure. I can meet lots of new people. I can embrace this change and enjoy the ride.

I need to refocus my mind, otherwise loneliness, uncertainty and fear will stop my growth before it even starts.

So today I decided to open my mind and embrace Ohio. I focused on getting settled. I unpacked a little, made room for me in the bathroom and kitchen. This is my home for now. I want to feel comfortable here. I even convinced my mom to change the hardware on the kitchen cabinets. I’ve organized some of the cupboards and am planning on reaccessorizing the bathroom.

I think I might need to remind myself of this new perspective daily, if not hourly.

Day 3: Big Texan, Back Roads, Dorothy in Oz February 3, 2008

Today was a mixture of emotions, landscapes and sites.

We started in Albuquerque, New Mexico, travelled through the Texas panhandle, the Oklahoma lowlands and have ended the day in Kansas. That’s a whole lot of nothing. Honestly the most boring landscape on the planet. It’s flat, bland and we encountered some seriously weird people. It’s the heartland of America no one wants to talk about.

Our first siteseeing stop of the day was in Amarillo, Texas. The goal was to see Cadillac Ranch and the Big Texan. We only made it to the Big Texan. If you’re anywhere near Amarillo you really need to stop to see this homegrown kitsch that reeks of tackyliciousness. The steaks were good. The deserts were big and the tea was fresh brewed.

Our GPS had no idea where the ranch was and we decided to press on. However what it did find for us were the back roads of America. We travelled to Wichita, over 300 miles, through the small blips on the map that you wish you could avoid. You know the roads where its 70 mph one second and then you enter a 45 mph zone, which is where the cops catch you in a speed trap and give you a ticket. Yep, Mike got one. But he was a very nice cop. One of the nicest I’ve ever met.

The highlight of the flat, ugly lands was that it took us through Liberal, KS where we got to see Dorothy’s house. That’s right we got to visit Auntie Em’s home. It was closed when we got there but it didn’t stop us from taking lots of pictures and taking the time to swing. It was fun.

I also got to see the small hamlet where my brother spent one very eventful year of his life in college. It is the infinitesimal town of Haviland, KS. Population is 700 whopping peeps. Entering into the town my heart sank. I just can’t imagine living there. I don’t know how he survived. But it was a glimpse into a part of his life that I was not apart of. So it was good.

Finally we arrived in Wichita at 11 p.m. The hard part was finding out hotel. The clerks, who speak little to no English has no idea how to get us from the road to their business. We gave up and just found another hotel. Talk about frustrating.

Nothing about today went as we expected. It was the height of frustration and irritation. As I sat on these yesteryear roads, waiting over 100 miles to find an open gas station to pee and fill up the tank I began to wonder what in the hell I was doing. I just wanted to go home, home to CA. I want to go back to our condo, with my roommates and just watch a movie. I longed for the familar. My chest began to tighten and it was a little harder to breathe. A sense of panic tried to settle into my bones. What in the world am I doing? I have no idea, I just know that I have to do this to grow in a way that I couldn’t in CA.

There were a lot of forced breaths, panicked text messages to friends and some tears. I have no idea what’s going to happen.

There is some metaphor for my life right now on those back roads and everything that we experienced today but I’m too tired to find it. All I pray is that God fill every minute with his peace, presence, clarity, wisdom and guidance. Help me Jesus.