Desires of the Heart

A conversation I had with my Uncle Sean a few weeks ago has been stuck in my head. We were talking about dreams, goals and prayer which lead to a discussion of God’s will and what that really means.

I know that God’s will isn’t a yellow brick road that you magically find, skip along and end up meeting the wizard. I believe that God’s will is found in the small, seemingly inconsequential decisions that reveal our true character and faith. This is where the daily struggle is found. This is why we can’t wait til the big decision to invite God into the equation, by then it’s too late.

With this definition of God’s will, the verse “God will give us the desires of our heart” has a whole new meaning. We read the whole verse to see that our dreams come true when we delight in him.

But Uncle Sean took it a step further when he said we place the emphasis on the wrong part of that verse. God will GIVE US the desires of our heart. It doesn’t mean we create those dreams it means that he gives the dreams to us when we delight in him. It isn’t about us at all. They aren’t technically our dreams, they are his that he places in our heart when we’re in tune with him.

Ewwww! That throws a monkey wrench into my prayers. See I have been pestering God for months about where I should live. What should I do with my life. Will I ever get married? Are kids in my future at all? He cares about these things because he cares about me, but that isn’t the point.

My life thus far has been consumed with the wrong things. In part, my restlessness has been because I was praying for the wrong things. My old pastor always said that God cares about our character not our career.

Today, during the sermon, our pastor was talking about how God doesn’t play second fiddle  to our flesh (desires, ambitions, and sins). Ouch! God’s will for us isn’t about careers, job, marriage but who he is shaping us to be. The story he is telling through our lives is about emptying us of our junk, maturing us, and building relationships as He uses us to help others on their journey.

So, I am smack in the middle of God’s will when I’m uncomfortable, stretched and beyond myself. A.k.a living in Ohio, navigating the wake of my parent’s divorce and struggling to finally put my childhood to rest. Yea fun. But necessary. This isn’t just a detour, but is a major part of what God is doing in me. I need to face these things. I need to grow in ways that only these situations will allow. God fully intended for me to traverse this path to get where he wants to take me.

So its not about rules, self-righteousness, playing church, appearances, approval from others,  or any host of other things that fall outside of the realm of what God is trying to do in and through us.  But God can’t take us to where he wants us to go unless we submit everything to him. That’s the kicker. Stay with me.

We have to surrender our dreams, goals, and ambitions. It is part of the refining process he wants to do in our lives. He needs to mature us. God wants us to be whole. He doesn’t want us to be stuck in the past with our hurts, destructive patterns, fears, and wrong ideas. The sermon today was about God’s maturing process. How he moves us forward. The fruits of the spirit are evidence of a mature heart. They aren’t something we are given at salvation. They are something we are continually working on as we grow in Christ, grow in love, grow in maturity.

So rather than pray about where to live, what job to take in order to get where God wants me to go I need to pray about what I need to learn, where I can grow and what he’s trying to show me. Through these things my course in life will be revealed. That almost sounded like a fortune.

But it gives new focus to my prayers. It also returns my focus to my relationship with God instead of trying to make him a genie. I think that is what God cares about more than how much I miss California. He misses me. What a concept. God loves me so much he wants to spend time with me. He longs for me. He desires my attention. God wants me. Sitting with that notion is humbling, comforting, and peaceful.

Yet I know God is willing to let the tough times come. He will put me in the wilderness. He will lead me through the fire. He will do what it takes to help me put my flesh to death so that more and more of Christ shines through me. We have to die to ourselves. We have to live in the freedom of our salvation. But that doesn’t mean we get what we think we want. It means we’re willing to let all of that go and embrace the journey God has us on that includes the wilderness, the dry times, the times when he seems silent. There is a point to all of it, it really isn’t about torturing us. It’s about us pursing him and those things that are important to him.

Lots to digest. It feels like I’ve heard these things all my life yet separately not together. They were disjointed thoughts that have been crystallizing over the past few weeks (years apparently here was a message I heard nearly two years ago about this same thing, kind of). Maybe he’s tired of my prayers. Or maybe this is my answer to those prayers. Not sure. Haven’t gotten that far.

But at the end of the day I’ve learned its more important than ever to live in the moment. Be grateful for what is and not wish it away. I need to suck the joy and pain out of every circumstance because there is a point to it that makes me more of who God wants me to be. I am becoming. I am in process. I am in progress.

This doesn’t mean I stop dreaming or setting goals it just means that as I get closer to God my dreams might change or they’ll become clearer and doors for them to come true will open. Because our pastor also reminded us that it is as we growth that God can open new options. As we mature we can move beyond the childish things that used to occupy our time, namely ourselves.

See God’s Word and psychology do line up. Emotional maturity is characterized by the ability to be other-centered and belief in something bigger than ourselves. All truth is God’s truth regardless of where it comes from because he is the author of it. But that is another post

Ok this is a lot to process. These are the things rambling around in my brain. Welcome to the chaos and insanity.

Filed under: Spiritual Formation , ambition, church, dreams, emotional maturity, fruits of the spirit, goals, growth, immaturity, maturity, relationships, spiritual growth

The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Musings on Church

Mikey, my 11 year-old nephew and I got into an interesting discussion about church yesterday. We were walking in to register Jordy for basketball camp and Mikey out of the blue tells me, “you know I’m not a very churchy person.”

I knew this. As a typical pastor’s kid he has been in church more than he’s been out. He’s heard all of the stories a million times. He knows the usual angles for sermons on all major holidays.

But anxious to hear his opinion, because Mikey always has an interesting point of view, I asked, “why not.”

“I think children’s church is dumb. The purpose of church should be to teach kids how to have a relationship with God and all they do is tell you all the same stories over and over. There is no application to my life. How am I supposed to know how to do this as an adult if they don’t teach me how now,” he said emphatically.

I had no answer for that.

I hated children’s church at his age. Like him I refused to go. But trying to be the good adult I rambled on something about how its good to make friends, yadda, yadda, yadda. Nothing convinced him or me about why he should be excited to go to church.

In the end I said it honored God for us to be apart of people who believed like we did and it was one form of worship. His reply was a very logical, “I’ll just find my own way to worship God.”

I had nothing to say to that. As an adult I still struggle with church. In California I had an amazing experience with a wonderful small group. It was the closest I’ve come to understanding the relevance of church in my life. Without it I just don’t see the point. I can volunteer with my favorite organizations. I can be with my friends anywhere. I can worship God in a million places.

Here in Ohio I have struggled to find a church that resonates with me as a single, 30something, career woman.  Because most people my age are married with kids aren’t that many single’s groups that reach out to my age group. I guess they figure I should be married by now.

The churches here in Canton are pretty conservative and traditional. I haven’t found one that makes me want to show up. I don’t really feel guilty about it, but I do miss the comraderie of my small group. I miss having friends in the same life stage as me. I miss my friends, but I don’t miss church per say.

So, I don’t know. I’m just rambling. All to say, I understand why Mikey doesn’t want to go to church.

Filed under: Spiritual Formation , church, mikey, nephew, purpose of church

Grappling with Truth

I finally have the courage to sit down and write.

For the past six weeks the mere thought of having to sit down and think about what’s going on, how I’m feeling and what I should do has been too overwhelming. If I thought about it I’d have to deal with it. No, no one died, but I’ve felt like life as I knew it was shattering.

I finally know why I’m here and it isn’t pleasant. It doesn’t involve me directly but I’m affected by it. I don’t know what to think. My feelings are all over the map. All in one second I am angry, sad, disappointed and heartbroken. Yet, I can’t help but think, thhat even though all of this junk we are presently wading through is terrible it is finally real. We can’t deny it anymore. We can’t hide it. We can’t move on unti we move through it. For the first time in our lives we are forced to live in it. The pink elephant in the room is finally being called what it is.

I believe that the truth is much easier to heal from than lies. But when your eyes are completely open to the truth it can be startling and extremely painful. It forces you to live in reality. There is no fantasy. There is no pretending. We are made keenly aware of our depravity and need. The good thing is God’s mercies are new everyday. There is grace for everything but we have to be willing to look who we really are in the face, admit it and ask for help. It is a scary, dark place to be, but there is hope if you can do it.

I have been at that place for me personally. I know there is amazing freedom when you can embrace the process. But it takes incredible courage to do it. There is support and love in those who are truly your friends. The key is humility, vulnerability and complete dependence on God. You have to let go of everything you think you know and everything you think you are. I don’t think many people ever get to this place.

Sometimes people choose the fantasy. They choose to be a victim. They choose to ignore it. This perpetuates the lie. It isolates you from others. It makes you manipulative and passive-aggressive to make sure your safe world stays intact. The illusion of control becomes more important than the truth of the situation or other person.

We will be ok. I know we will. I see positive changes I never thought would happen. I feel peace never known. I see soul searching and realizations of things I thought were long forgotten. So it is good but hard for everyone.

As a bystander I am struggling not to relapse into my weapons of mass destruction. I am fighting to stay away from my vices that make me feel better. I am challenged to find a new way to cope. I too have to abandon myself into the process of a rotor router of my heart. There are still places inside me that are dark that needed to find the light of truth.

In the beginning, we all struggle against it choosing instead our own reality. At the end of the day the warmth and comfort of the light will woo us out of our struggle, if we let it. I have to let go of all my preconceived notions, ideals, fears and coping mechanisms. I too have to surrender.

I have to believe we will be changed. We will be stronger, closer and better. But the process is a bitch.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , control, grace, mercy, surrender, truth

Experience of Grace

”In God’s search to find us, he enters every dark corner of life. Thus, our saving hope is not to be rescued from the dark world but to live in the darkness by the light of Christ. It follows that we can spend a lot less time praying for deliverance from how it is and more time asking to see the face of God in every circumstance.”

– Craig Barnes (Yearning)

I got this quote from a friend this week and it is so true. I would add that our experience of grace in these dark corners really depends on our ability to be vulnerable and open to the depths of the blackness. Do we try to shine the light ourselves cheapening the experience of grace or do we really reflect who he is even in our weakness, defeat,horror, shame and/or sin?

Filed under: Quoting, Reading, Spiritual Formation , book, Craig Barnes, grace, yearning

Dream of the Past

I haven’t been dreaming lately but the other night after ranting and raving to God I had a doosy.

I was praying about why I was here in Ohio, why was I still struggling with so much restlessness in my life, where in the world was my prince charming and what did He plan to do about it. I cried. I yelled. I whimpered. I whined. He patiently listened and comforted me enough so I could finally fall sleep.

It was in my sleep that Te answered me. That night I dreamed that I finally met the man of my dreams. Ironically enough he was a rock star of some sort and had long hair, which I hate, but that is besides the point. I could sense that we were really in love. I just wanted to spend time with him. However, everytime we tried to date one of four people who have caused much trauma and destruction in my life would interrupt us. They would end up doing something that would prevent us from speaking to each other or engaging with one another at all. They were literally between us.

I told my mom the dream the next day and wondered aloud what it meant. She just laughed and said, “you have to be kidding me, you know what that means.”

After I thought about it for another minute I did. It is my past that is getting in the way of my future. This was God’s answer to me about why I’m restless, why I’m here in Ohio and what prevents me from obtaining his rock star best for me. It’s about dealing with the past to move forward. Ultimately it boils down to forgiveness.

UGH! It’s freeing and terrifying at the same time. After the dream, I stopped asking those questions for a few days. I’m afraid of what dealing with those issues means. I’m afraid of confrontation. I’m afraid he’ll ask me to let them back in my life. But I suppose in those instances he will be there to comfort me too.

Filed under: Dreaming, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , answered prayer, God, past, revelation, trauma

Fighting a Funk

I woke up this morning sick and tired.

I felt like I had just gotten to sleep when I was awoken by a phone call from someone giving me a to-do list. UGH! I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I wasn’t in the mood. In fact it made me grouchy and irritated.

I laid there for another 30 minutes and decided I probably should get up and get ready. Once I finally mustered up enough energy to actually throw back the covers and force myself to put my feet on the floor I fully gave into the fact that I felt awful. I wasn’t quite sure if it was physical or mental.

So I sat on the edge of the bed for another 30 minutes, taking a full assessment of just how terrible I felt when my dad called. It was the first time beyond grunts that I had spoken for the day. I realized that my throat hurt and I didn’t really have much of a voice. I was glad I could blame something physical for my funk. Luckily my dad didn’t have much for me to do today so I decided to stay home. I immediately felt guilty for doing so, but resisted it and collapsed on the recliner to watch tv. I don’t think I moved from that position for about four hours.

I had no energy and no desire to move. I was exhausted for sure. My throat hurt, it did. But I’ve pushed through worse pain before. If I’m really honest I know its more of a mental exhaustion. I can feel myself sliding in a funk. I don’t want to be in one. I’m trying to think good thoughts, pray and praise. I keep trying to banish the thoughts and feelings of doom. Yet I can feel it down in my toes.

Maybe its just a seasonal thing. We are officially starting the slide from fall to winter. The temperatures are dropping. The sun isn’t showing up much. I even had to break out the sweaters, coats, and closed-toed shoes.

Yet I know that the questions I’m asking right now about God, my life, future, friends and family is weightier than weather. They are the essence of why I needed to come back to Ohio. I’m beyond the pleasantries and niceties with my family, myself and God. I’m face-to-face with emotions, memories and issues I haven’t really touched before. Maybe I needed the time to burrow down a bit and just take a look inside pandora’s box instead of trying to pretend its not there.

UGH! Even thinking about it this much makes me tired. I know I need to resolve these things once and for all. But how do you psyche yourself up to face what your entire life has been hell. God in all of his faithfulness isn’t letting me hide. He isn’t letting me bury it anymore. He is prodding, pushing, poking and digging up the roots. I’m terrified. I know on the other side there is freedom, peace, joy and abundance like I’ve never known but will it be worth it? It’s always easier to stick with the evil you know.

See weighty issues. Heavy. Sleepy. So Sleepy. I’m trying to journal more these days but so far not so much. UGH. I’m going back to the couch.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation , depression, issues, tired

Lost piece of sanity and more

After the Elijah House training at church on Friday and Saturday, I was exhausted. As I started to pull my books out of the car I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to take all of my stuff out of my car. You know that small voice in the back of your head? The fleeting voice that you sometimes pay attention to but often dismiss as irrational or irrelevant.

I halfway paid attention, I started unloading some of the stuff that had accumulated all week. I took out my briefcase, books, purse, random mail (including credit card statements), etc. I dropped the GPS into the center console, so it was out of site, but I couldn’t carry my camera, which I had in my car to take photos of the beautiful fall foliage wherever I saw it. My precious Sony was wrapped up in my coat. I decided I would come back out to get in a little bit.

I got inside, some friends came over to show us their costumes, got to making dinner and I completely forgot about my camera out in the car.

Then at about midnight we started cleaning. We found some moldy bread and started cleaning out all of the cupboards, one of those small things that quickly escalates into a full blown project. So we were carting garbage in and out of the house until about 2:30 a.m. When I took out the last bag I felt weird, like someone was watching me. I actually stopped to make sure the garage door closed. I had a strange feeling that unless I did someone might come into the house. How weird is that?

This morning at about 9 a.m. my mom was banging on my door telling me to get up. I just rolled over and tried to ignore her. Then what she said next made me jump up and out of bed, “all of our cars have been broken into and your GPS is gone.” The feeling I had standing in the middle of the garage might have been because they were out there hiding.

I went out to the car to see what else was missing. They ransacked the car and emptied the contents of every compartment. I was immediately grateful that I unloaded the car there was nothing else in there. We made some really lame jokes with the sheriff and I headed inside. Then in a flash I remembered my camera was in the backseat of the car. I ran back to the car and it was gone. I hoped for a second, against all odds, that it fell into my briefcase but I knew it didn’t.

I was immediately devastated. I instantly started to cry. I think I sobbed for about two hours. I just couldn’t stop. It was like I hit a main water pipe. My camera is my escape hatch right now. I use it to relax and be creative. My photography is how I express myself, to lose that is awful.

I realize that I can buy another one. But I quickly realized the tears, sadness and devastation were about much more than a camera. It was about much more than the theft in general. Yea that sucks, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have been so stressed lately. The trouble with the business continues. The conditions of our loan have changed with the credit crunch. The lending agency now wants 100% collateral. We qualified for a city grant that the new mayor has changed to a loan, at the last minute, which also now requires 100% collateral. Every day is a stress wondering if we’ll have enough money to buy ingredients. Will we be able to continue production? We just ran out of our main ingredient and the next order will cost $15,000. Every week we wonder if we’re going to make payroll while we continue to be unpaid.

But it isn’t just limited to the business. Our air conditioner went out at the beginning of summer. So we spent a midwest sweltering summer with no air. Then about a month ago the hot water heater went out, so I’ve had to bathe at my brother’s house. Thank goodness he only lives about half a mile away. We also just discovered that the furnace is going out. How in the world can we afford to fix that before winter? I guess I need to be grateful that we have a fireplace. I tease that living in our house is like camping. But it isn’t funny.

Where is God? What is he doing? That has been my cry. We have sacrified everything we have to work with him to accomplish this vision he gave my dad. Did we misinterpret it? Is it he not in it? I keep telling myself that I just need to go out and get a job – whether it be temp or at Kohls. But every application I place goes no where. I never hear anything. All of my freelance has dried up. I don’t know what else to do.

I want to know what the freak is going on. Why are we walking in mud right now, up hill, in a rainstorm, with roller skates on. Are we going to turn the corner? Are we going to lose everything?

I ended up sleeping most of the day. I just couldn’t stay awake. When I woke up tonight I felt like I was in a fog. You know that emotional hangover after a heavy cry? But the refrain from one of my favorite praise songs kept going through my mind. “He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. Still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name.” It is so much easier to sing that song “when the world is all as is should be.”

The decision I have right now is my response. Somedays are better than on others, but at the end of today I can say, “Blessed be your name.”

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation, Working , blessing, camera, car, creativity, God, praises, sherrif, theft

Updating my Wineskins

Last week in church we talked about the importance of becoming new wineskins. Then I heard a conference session from Marcos Witt on how to prevent staleness in our lives as we create situations and circumstances (wineskins) to grow and change.

Now I’ve heard the wineskin parable a million times but never really applied it to my life in this way. So, honestly what does that mean? What is a wineskin? I’ve been wine tasting enough to see wine in barrells but never in a skin of anysort. So the idea of not putting new wine in an old wineskin doesn’t really resonate with me.

As I grapple with this I’d i’ve realize that the idea of a wineskin is about constructs, skemas, ideas, traditions, religion, perhaps even a location, church, friends, or other relationship. We get new wine as we begin to change. It is a fresh understanding, healing, wholeness that comes as we grow and learn. This new information doesn’t fit into the existing structures we’ve created in our minds and hearts.

For me living in California was a wineskin. It was familiar, safe, comfortable and to some extent easy. There was a routine and rhythm to my life that was good, it worked. Yet I could float through life a bit. I wasn’t really challenged. I was only pushed when I allowed it. I was well-defined there. I had a job, a role to play, friends, and history.

Now here I have no context for anything, including me. Everything here is so different – how they talk, the foods they eat, even how they drive. Aaahh, so our wineskins are part of our identity, they define our worlds. It’s the structure on which we hang other information.

Yet in our comfort we can become legalistic, ritualistic and too tied to tradition. I had a very well defined way that I lived and related to others. I met everyone with a filter sarcasm and cynicism including God. To stay fresh in our lives we need to let ourselves be stretched, pulled out of our comfort zones to force us to engage in a new way, with a new perspective. Ooh I’d say that is where I am living these days.

To become new wineskins is to stay close to the heart of God, Witt says, because He changes his methods to capture our hearts. While his nature is unchanging Christ shed his divinity to be human so we could be restored (Phil 2). So how he relates to us changes on how he needs to get our attention. Being in a rut and tied to our existing way of doing things will render us ineffective in reaching out to others in service, in being flexible to learn and I would think in applying grace to ourselves and others.

In the end, the freshness of our wineskins is tied to our sense of wonder. Are we able to worship God with wonder and innocence of a child. Are we intrigued by the small things or are we bitter and cynical? I can confess am cynical. I grew stale. I doubted everything and could see the negative in everything. I constantly waited for the other shoe. Some of this was for survival. Some of this is from experience. Some of this is out of fear. I have to learn to trust God enough to let the wonder back into my life. I have to learn how to let go and let things be unplanned and out of my control. That is the biggest fallacy. We are never in control of anything and its our desperate grasp to try and control it that ends up in frustration and resentment because its impossible.

So life is really all about how we deal with change. Do we become stale in our existance, floating through life letting it go by as we stay safe in our same ole, same ole? Or do we let ourselves become agents of change as we become more authentic, transparents and pliable for whatever it is that God wants to do through us.

That is where I am? I still have parts of my heart that need to be broken. I still need to be molded, changed. There are still parts of me that are unconverted. I am saved, which happens in an instant but conversion take a life time. I struggle with unbelief sometimes. There are aspects of becoming Christlike that I rebel against and just don’t like. I was talking with a friend a while back and we were talking about discipleship and how hard it was to let go of some of our “flesh.” Discipleship is painful.

Anyway, I digress. I am just thinking outloud here. I am still struggling with life here. I know for a fact that I needed to move. But I thought that once I did some magical, mystical path would open before and I would suggently realize what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead I’m in Ohio, still lost, completely outside of my comfort zone and freaked out.

I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found this yellow, brick road? It doesn’t stick with me that all God cares about is the relationship. He just wants me to be close. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to trust him. I have trouble reckoning in my brain that freaked out and still lost is exactly where he wants me right now. That’s when I lean into him.

This seems to be a lesson I’m not getting because everytime I take a step I wait for the a-ha moment where it all makes sense. Maybe my a-ha moment won’t come for a while or ever. Not sure. But the goal has to be the same – an intimate relationship with God. I don’t do vulnerable very well. I have touble letting people in, even an omniscient, all-powerful God. I guess that’s the wineskin that needs most updating.

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation , change, parable, wineskin

Three Months In

I am on the third month of my big adventure away from everything I know.

In the last month we officially welcomed spring. The snow melted, the grass got green, the trees flowered and everything looked so pretty. It is awesome to wear short sleeves, be outside and not worry about ice.

I realized that while California has the facade of a laid-back lifestyle it is really an intense, crazy, busy place. I think, in part, that is due to the fact that there is no winter or weather forcing you to slow down, take it easy and hibernate. In California there is no real reason to stay inside – except for the occassional wildfire. Most of the time you are compelled to be out and about simply because you can. Here, in Ohio, you are forced to slow down, be inside, be with your family and take it slow for several months of the year.

I enjoy the slower pace sometimes, but after a while it gets a little old. There really is little to nothing to do here. Since the majority of the people my age have three or four kids everyone’s life centers around family activities. Churches here don’t even really pretend to have a singles program. They don’t really have to since if you are single its because you’re in college or in your 40s and divorced.

I need to get to a bigger city. I’m starting to shrivel. My brain is starting to hurt. I’m tired of doing nothing. I am a city girl. I need smog. I need traffic. I need architecture. I need theatre. I need culture. So the novelty has definitely worn off. I still enjoy being with my family but they actually have lives here and I don’t. I can’t picture myself here. I don’t know what to do here or how to just be here.

I am still asking the same questions about life. I wonder if I put that on hold living for my trips to California. I need to get back on my quest. I need to seek God more diligently, whatever that looks like. I don’t know how to do that. But I’m convinced I’m not doing it well enough – being a perfectionist is exhausting.

So no major breakthroughs. No major growth. No major discoveries. I expected more by now. I thought I’d have more a clue about something, but I don’t. The story of my life continues.

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Single Serving, Spiritual Formation , seeking God, singles in Ohio