Three Months In May 3, 2008

I am on the third month of my big adventure away from everything I know.

In the last month we officially welcomed spring. The snow melted, the grass got green, the trees flowered and everything looked so pretty. It is awesome to wear short sleeves, be outside and not worry about ice.

I realized that while California has the facade of a laid-back lifestyle it is really an intense, crazy, busy place. I think, in part, that is due to the fact that there is no winter or weather forcing you to slow down, take it easy and hibernate. In California there is no real reason to stay inside - except for the occassional wildfire. Most of the time you are compelled to be out and about simply because you can. Here, in Ohio, you are forced to slow down, be inside, be with your family and take it slow for several months of the year.

I enjoy the slower pace sometimes, but after a while it gets a little old. There really is little to nothing to do here. Since the majority of the people my age have three or four kids everyone’s life centers around family activities. Churches here don’t even really pretend to have a singles program. They don’t really have to since if you are single its because you’re in college or in your 40s and divorced.

I need to get to a bigger city. I’m starting to shrivel. My brain is starting to hurt. I’m tired of doing nothing. I am a city girl. I need smog. I need traffic. I need architecture. I need theatre. I need culture. So the novelty has definitely worn off. I still enjoy being with my family but they actually have lives here and I don’t. I can’t picture myself here. I don’t know what to do here or how to just be here.

I am still asking the same questions about life. I wonder if I put that on hold living for my trips to California. I need to get back on my quest. I need to seek God more diligently, whatever that looks like. I don’t know how to do that. But I’m convinced I’m not doing it well enough - being a perfectionist is exhausting.

So no major breakthroughs. No major growth. No major discoveries. I expected more by now. I thought I’d have more a clue about something, but I don’t. The story of my life continues.

Personal Point of Happiness November 15, 2007

I recently read an article in Psychology Today and about a study conducted in Germany to determine life satisfaction levels.

They studied 24,000 people both married and single and discovered that after either a negative or positive event in our lives we all return to a previously determined “personal point of happiness.” Or a level of life satisfaction that existed before said event.

So regardless of the change, good or bad, that happens in your life such as a death, wedding, birth of a child, job change, move, etc you will return to your prior level of contentment. No great cataclismic event has the ability to rob us completely of our joy nor is it able to sustain long-lasting happiness.

I think this premise is true. I know I hope that if I just lose some weight, change jobs, move to a new town, get married, find new friends, have a baby or WHATEVER life will be better. Searching for contentment from an external event is a fruitless effort. Because regardless of where we go or who we know we’re dragging along all of our issues with us. We have to deal with what holds us back from living an abundant life first then we can gain a greater level of contentment with life regardless of what we have. It is when we are fully free to engage in life around us that we will be most content.

So what gets in the way - unforgiveness, resentment, fear, anger, guilt, shame - all threaten to rob us of our joy. They zap our energy, distract us, and slowly erode our souls. I have been working on these things and am amazed at how much more free I am to enjoy life. I would say that my “personal point of happiness” is much higher than it was a few years ago and it really has nothing to do with me.

It all boils down to my relationship with God. When I realize that my life is part of a much bigger story and that God is working specifically in my life to contribute to it life gets really simple, focused and significant. The hard part is the surrender, the ultimate trust that God does have a plan for my life and is working for my good even when I don’t see it.

Life continues to be mystifying, ridiculous, and crazy sometimes but overall I am happy. I am surrounded by amazing friends who teach me, love me, embrace me, correct me and challenge me all the time. It is a great community. Sometimes I get so focused on the day-to-day that I forget to stop and think about how far God has brought me in the last couple of years.

I think God just smiles at me a lot and proverbially pats me on the head.

Bachelorette Party at the Beach October 15, 2007

We had the pleasure of spending the weekend at the beach with Nicole, who is getting married in three weeks.

Six of us had a slumber party at a friend’s beach house in Laguna. It was fabulous and just what we needed. She’s getting loopy planning a wedding that will take place in Hawaii, while prepping to move into her fiance’s house. The rest of us are just road weary from the general craziness of life.

So yes, a beach house was in order and we were blessed with one that rocked. Our back door literally opened up to the sand. One whole wall was windows. We had to yell at one another when the tide was coming in because the waves were so loud. Oh yea. We could smell the sea. from the living room.

Aside from the view it was also refreshing to get to spend time together. We haven’t all been in the same room since January. Life has taken us in really different directions. So we had a great time celebrating Nicole’s single life and helping her anticipate biblically-sanctioned monkey sex. There were no cheesy pass-the-cucumber games. No kitchen gadgets. Just lots of yakking and lots of laughing. I guarantee no guy would have been safe within miles of this girliness.

There is nothing better than a weekend with the girls. We were all joking last night when we started to fade at midnight that this bachelorette party was sure different than the ones we had in our 20s. No one got drunk. There were only a few embarassing moments, but no one threw up. I promise Jenn the video will remain under lock and key.

Five Love Languages for Singles - Physical Touch October 9, 2007

Our last love language is physical touch.

Whatever there is of you resides in your body. To touch your body is to touch you.

Chapman identifies four different kinds of touch: appropriate and inappropriate, implicit and explicit. The first pair don’t need definiting. Implicit touches are subtle, fleeting and don’t require any thought or premeditation. It can be a quick touch to the hand or shoulder. It can imply understanding, emphasis and is okay with people we hardly know.

Explicit touch can be a massage, demand full attention, take more time, and this kind requires knowledge of the other person, what they live and who they are. This touch implies relationship. It’s the different between a two pat hug and “leaning.”

“Physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything we need to feel loved. We cannot always change event, but we can survive if we feel loved.”

It’s amazing how in moment of pain all we need is a hug. Just somone who is willing to reach into the emotion and let us know that we are not alone. When you think about singles and physical touch its alarming how long some go without being touched.

In my small group we always hug one another when showing up and leaving. At first it was a little awkward. I didn’t know them very well and it seemed odd. But now I look forward to it. It has become love to me over time. It is more than just custom or what we do. I like it.

This chapter can’t exclude sexual touch from the conversation. Chapman provides an overview of the sexual revolution and how it has damaged our use of sex. Sex isn’t about satisfying an animal instinct. It shouldn’t be used just to feel better because in the end it errodes our view of love and connection. Our sexuality isn’t limited to our bodies but is an expression of our wholeness through commitment to one person. When we reduce it to just a carnal act we effectively remove the divine from it.

A chapter on physical touch must also include its shadow side - abuse. Physical touch can be perverted causing physical harm to another. This inappropriate touch is destructive and debilitating. In a dating relationship this can be excused as love and ignored but it will get worse if left unchecked.

Real love doesn’t take advantage or use force. It is gentle, appropriate, it waits for the right time and place to be expressed.

Five Love Language for Singles - Quality Time October 3, 2007

The fourth love language is quality time.

Aaah now we’re talking my language. Quality time is all about being together. It’s focused attention. No distractions. It is true connection as you engage in quality conversation or activities.

When quality time is used as a means of expressing love it is a powerful, authentic connection. It isn’t about the activity, the focus is on what is happening between the people involved. This is all about emotional availibility and connection.

God made us for community. We need each other. We were not meant to do life alone. Yet it’s amazing how fragmented our relationships are and how lonely we feel. We hunger for this expression of love. Yet our lives are too busy, we don’t have the time to invest this way very often with many people.

Chapman identifies three main expressions of quality time: quality conversation, quality listening and quality activities.

Quality conversation is about “sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.”

A couple of weeks ago I spent the day with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We did many activities but never got the chance to sit down and really talk. I left feeling a little sad. I didn’t feel connected to her. While we had fun it wasn’t completely satisfying for me. I wanted to hear about her life, interact with her about mine and discuss what we were thinking and feeling about those things that mattered to us. We didn’t have a chance to sit and share life.

An important part of quality conversation is hearing. In order to be a quality conversationalist “I will focus on drawing you out, listening sympatheically to what you have to say. I will ask question, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires.”

It isn’t just hearing but listening to truly understand the situation and the person. It means listening for the emotions that underlie what they are saying, body language, giving undivided attention, not interrupting and clarifying what you are hearing from them. You aren’t thinking about what you’ll say next, but you are in the moment with them, emoting, encouraging, and paying attention.

The final quality time dialect is quality activities. It still isn’t really about the activity but the fact that you are doing it with someone you are about. The focus is on building memories, having shared experiences and giving someone else one of the most important things we have so little of, time.

This is why I love my day trips. I get quality, uninterrupted time one-on-one with people I enjoy spending time with. As we engage with our surroundings we’re also engaging with one another. It is sheer bliss for me.

The scary thing about quality time is opening up to another person, showing your feelings and inner most thoughts. You’re trusting them with who you are and what you like to do. Given past experiences in relationships this can be reduced to really shallow and unemotional exchanges.

I’ve been in relationships where we engage in many activities together and yet there is no connection whatsoever. I think this happens alot with co-workers. So when often when you change jobs you never talk to them again. It can also be this way with roommates. Just because you live with someone it doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time together. These relationships are frustrating.

Quality time is deliberate and intentional to build the relationship.

So for me quality time is invigorating, refreshing and life giving. I feel understood, enriched and well … loved. The people I can engage in quality time with are my soul feeders. My batteries get recharged and I leave their presence wanting more time.

Single Busy September 30, 2007

Recently someone asked me how I was doing, and I said, “good but busy.”

Her response was, “oh how many kids do you have?”

When I said I didn’t have any she was shocked that I would actually be busy.

Are single people not busy? Do we not have full lives? Are children the only thing in life that allows one to declare oneself as busy? I mean what do I do with all of my free time. I must sit around get massages and eat bon bons. Surely that is the essence of a single person’s life.

These rules have not be explained to me. I was irritated but quickly let this go and chalked it up to her being an idiot and moved on with my life.

Then tonight, in one of my groups someone asked me how I had time to send out the weekly email and then she said, “oh yea, you’re single with no family.”

Excuse me? How rude and insensitive is that? I really wanted to punch her in the face. But at church I figured that wasn’t a proper response.

My second response was to say, “I guess I’m just better at time management.” No, not a right response either.

My third response was to say, “Actually I am busy, I have a full time job, am a part of three small groups, two of which I lead. I managed to get a master’s degree and I just completed a 32 week lay counseling program. All of that and I still got the freaking email out. I am just that good.”

Instead, I took a deep breath, smiled and said, “I hope you enjoyed the email.”

I still wanted to smack her upside the head.

Five Love Languages for Singles - Acts of Service September 24, 2007

The third love language we studied is acts of service.

The love language of service is one of sacrifice and help in a time of need. This is best exemplified through Jesus, and that is what we focused on in our group. Tina did a great job leading our discussion.

We listed all of the acts of service that Jesus performed and received during the three years of his ministry: healing the sick, raising the dead, washing feet, feeding five thousand, educated the masses and dying on the cross, just to name a few. He was among the least of them, the most needy and meet their basic, most pressing needs. Thinking about how Jesus received was a new tangle for me. He received water from the woman at the well. Another woman used expensive perfume to clean his feet. Martha served him when he was in her home. So this is a love language he knew well.

Acts of service is a way of expressing a sense of responsibliity for the well-being of others.

As with all of the gifts there is a shadow side, how it can be distorted to be negative and unhealthy. For acts of service its underbelly is slavery. In slavery you are not giving because you want to but because you have to. In slavery “freedom to truly serve is lost. Slavery hardens the heart. Slavery creates angelr, bitterness, and resentment.” This isn’t love.

When you treat another person as an object, you preclude the possibility of love. Manupulation by guilt (’If you loved me, you would do this for me’) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (’You will do this or you will be sorry’) is alient to love. Love refuses to be manipulated.

I have to admit this love language is really hard for me, not to give but to receive. I think I’ve got too much experience with the black side of acts of service. For me it means vulnerability and weakness. I do not like to be needy. If I can’t do it myself I don’t really need it. Making a need be known is really an effort. If someone asks to help that’s one thing. But having to ask is quite another. This is definitely an area I need to work on.

It’s interesting that when God reveals a weakness he will continue to work on it for you. In another study this idea of vulnerability through acts of service came up again. This time it went futher to say that the inability to ask for help is evidence of a stubborn pride preventing us from letting go and asking God for help. So instead of growing, changing and maturing we cling to lifestyle that doesn’t work for us anymore but we’re suck because we operate in our own power never asking for help. Yikes. Definitely need to look at that some more.

Still, acts of service is definitely not my primary love language.

Happy National Single’s Week 2007 September 19, 2007

If you’re single and you know it clap your hands.

I know being single isn’t something we always celebrate but the third week of September is National Single’s Week.

So if you are presently sans relationship partner, I encourage you to grab some fun friends and celebrate!

On Saturday two of my fabulous single friends and I are heading to San Diego to have lunch in Old town, probably at the Mexican Cafe. Then we’re off to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Natural History Museum. I can’t wait.

Last year I posted a series of articles on singleness (Single Sitcoms, Single Intentions, Single Temptations, Single Dating, Single Quote, Single Importance, and Single Conclusion)

As I look back over the posts I was struggling to come to grips with the idea of still being single in my 30s. I needed to find purpose to it. I needed to make peace with it.

I’m at a different place now. I’ll have to ponder singleness in a new way and see what I come up with.

Five Love Languages for Singles - Gifts September 17, 2007

The second kind of love language we studied are gifts.

Chapman believes that giving gifts is one of the fundamental universal languages of love, in any culture. When done in its purest, unselfish, no strings attached way it is a “visual symbol of love.”

Now to the person whose primary love language is gifts it doesn’t matter if the gift is found, made, bought, small, big, expensive, or cheap. It is about the symbolic act of giving something to them in a loving way.

However, just like everything else it too can be perverted. The wrong kind of gift giving is when you expect something in return, are using it as leverage, it cannot be a payment for anything, or used as an apology and mean the same thing.

Chapman also says this is the easiest language to learn. If we’re paying attention we will pick up on the clues others give to us about what they like, what they need, what they’re hoping for and what their interests are. If we’re good listeners we will be able to buy, make, and recognize appropriate gifts for those that are important to us.

In our small group we all drew names and made something this week. It was great to see all of the different ideas that abounded and reflected how well we know each other. It was a fun exercise.

I think for me that the great thing about gifts is that it shows how well you know someone or how well they know you. Gifts can be a disaster if you’re not paying attention. I’ve received gifts that have nothing to do with me and is more about what the other person likes or wants, that isn’t love.

I’ve also received gifts that were the longing of my soul and many times those gifts cost little or nothing. It isn’t about how much money you spend. I don’t think many guys get that in a dating relationship. Free tip for ya - we just want to know you’re paying attention. That’s all. We really aren’t that difficult, we just require a little work.

While I appreciate gifts I know it isn’t my primary love language.

Five Love Languages for Singles: Words of Affirmation September 13, 2007

In my small group right now we’re reading, The Five Love Languages for Singles, by Gary Chapman.

The premise is that we all give and receive love in one of five languages (words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time or acts of service). The goal is to determine your primary love language, while learning to speak all of them to a healthy degree to those important to you. This will in turn help to strengthen and build relationships.

No, the love languages don’t change for singles but how they are executed must be done in context. For example, physical touch, as Christians we can’t claim that’s your primary love language and start engaging in premarital activities. It doesn’t work that way.

Being single gives us the time to delve into our pasts, root out what was passed onto us from our families and learn things differently or be grateful for the foundation that our parents have given to us. So in that regard learning to speak the five languages while single is easier. We are also learning healthy ways to communicate care and love to each other in many different ways.

We are on the first love language: Words of Affirmation. For some this comes naturally. This is a tough one for me. I am much more well versed in words of sarcasm and cynicism.

But our words are powerful and show the condition of our hearts. Yikes. I still have some digging to do. So I’m trying to make a conscious effort to tell those around me how much I appreciate and value them. It just isn’t natural for me to do that.

To help us get into the habit our leader had us practice on each other. Wow! What an amazing experience. When you focus on the positive and speak words of appreciation you are speaking power into someone’s life. I know I felt it. It gave me a boost for my week. It colored my perception of myself just a little bit differently.

We all have our own unique perspective and when we pass on positive truth in a sincere way it is life affirming. It affirms their worth. Imagine the difference that can make in someone’s life when you love them that way because maybe you are sharing something they haven’t seen, something they thought was taken for granted or something they didn’t feel was of value.

I still have to practice. It makes me feel awkward, vulnerable and silly sometimes. But that is making it about me instead of focusing on the other person.

So I am learning to notice others in a new way and seeking out opportunities to express love in this way. Maybe one day I will be fluent.

I have trouble trusting others, so I don’t think words of affirmation is my primary love language.