Break Up Strategy August 12, 2007

I was talking with a friend today, who recently broke up with her boyfriend, about post break up strategy and how we sabotage ourselves into making really bad decisions.

In the beginning you surround yourself with good friends, lots of chocolate and kleenex. Then once you get past the crying phase you head into the anger phase where you destroy photos and other evidence of said relationship. Every thing wrong with him and the relationship is crystal clear in your mind. Your friends finally tell you what they really thought and every nagging doubt you ever had is front and center in your mind.

Gradually, you stop being mopey and angry but this is when you enter the scary negotiating and bargining phase. Even after suffering through all of the pain and trauma of calling it off, or being dumped you still wonder if maybe you’ll get back together. You choose to believe that there is hope, maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe your differences weren’t that big. Perhaps he really was “the one.”

See this is when the thought of having to date again begins to take root and your friends try to set you up to help you move on. You meet a couple of freaks and the next thing you know you’re making calls to the ex. You tell yourself it’ll be different, you’ve learned so much through the experience. THESE ARE LIES. YOU’RE BEING DELUSIONAL.

So we decided that while you’re crying and angry it is important to start a list of the reasons why you broke up. You’re already replaying every conversation leading up to the break up in your head anyway, you might as well write them down.

Your reasons don’t need to make sense. They don’t need to be rational, but write down in graphic detail every reason why the relationship didn’t work. Then when you’re on this destructive train, thinking maybe he wasn’t so bad you’ll remember why you are not with him anymore.

We both have gone back for second helpings of the ridiculousness thinking things change but fundamentally they don’t. If you can white knuckle it past the bargaining phase, rooted in loneliness and a fear of the unknown then you can truly accept that the relationship is OVER and leave it in the past where it belongs.

He really hasn’t changed and neither have you. You will continue to have the same annoying conversations, fights, disagreements and issues the second and third time you try to make it work. LET GO. You can’t even begin to think of moving on until you put all delusions and hallucinations to rest.

This list will also come in handy when in a few months he gets lonely and calls you. It will also be helpful if you see signs of the same things in the next guy. This is how we can learn from our mistakes instead of being destined to repeat them.

Always a bride May 5, 2007

Recently in a meeting we got side-tracked on fashion and our VP casually told us that his bride bought him the shirt he was wearing.

He’s been married for almost 30 years, so hearing him refer to his wife as his bride just made me smile. I guess because it’s consistent with how he talks about her and to her. The look on his face changes when he hears her voice or she’s in the room, it is one of sheer devotion, adoration and love.

Rarely do you see couples who’ve been married for a while talk to and about each other in such glowing terms. Now I’m sure it isn’t alway sweetness and light but our actions follow our words. It was so refreshing to see such delight between them.

I hope someday someone loves me like that.

Conversation(s) with Other Women [2005] February 13, 2007

A man [Aaron Eckhart] and woman [Helena Bonham Carter] meet at a wedding. They begin talking and there is something familiar about their banter, it flows easily and the sexual tension is palpable.

As the conversation wears on their relationship both past and present begins to unfold. We realize, as do they, that they had a relationship nearly 20 years ago. As the fuzzy details get clearer the connection is finally understood. The lovers are forced to confront the younger versions of themselves in their memories. Did their lives end up like they thought it would?

It’s not you, it’s me February 6, 2007

If I were to characterize most of the men I’ve dated I would say they were- emotionally unavailable, commitmentphobic and posessing a giant fear of intimacy.

Our relationship was fantastic as long as we didn’t get too close. This means that it’s great for about four or five months then once the novelty wore off, the lust wore off and the real work began it would end.

Why in the world was I continually choosing men that were so ambivalent about me? Why was I continually finding men that were so distant? Why couldn’t I just meet a nice guy to love me for who I am?

Then as I read chapter 10 of Dawn Eden’s book, Thrill of the Chaste she told me why. It’s not them, it’s me.

This time last year… November 27, 2006

A well-meaning co-worker helpfully pointed out today that if I would have gotten married when we originally planned (Nov 29, 2005) we would soon be celebrating our one-year anniversary.

My first thought was, ummm… ok.

My second thought was, what the hell kind of comment is that?

My third thought was, wow, has it been that long already?

Once past the shock, horror and inappropriateness of if all I had to stop and think about the last year. Again. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t looking for nostalgia this morning. I wasn’t feeling in the mood for reflection, but it was thrust upon me like Christmas fruitcake, unwittingly and unwantedly.

Yes, we thought about getting married Nov. 29, 2005. We had the date and a place, but we could never put down the deposit and reserve it. We couldn’t get to that point. It always seemed like a giant hurdle pver which neither one of us was willing to jump. It just seemed too far or too high, or something.

So, after a moment of reflection, one year later, I can honestly say, I don’t really feel anything. It’s not sadness. It’s not relief. It’s not anything.

I wish him well.

I wish me well.

Will Smith on Marriage November 22, 2006

Since I was home sick today I had little energy to anything beyond changing channels.

I was excited to see that Will Smith would be on Oprah. I love Will Smith. I love, love, love him. I think he’s cute, funny, charming and seems like a fantastic husband and father. The song he did with Jada called 1,000 Kisses is one of my favorites. My friend Laticia always made fun of me because of my massive crush on him. I mean when one of his songs comes on I have to stop and sing. Summer doesn’t officially begin until I hear Summertime. Have I mentioned how much I love him. I love him.

He was on Oprah promoting his new movie, Pursuit of Happyness, inspired by the true story of Chris Gardner, a homeless, single father’s pursuit of the American dream. It looks like a great movie, a real tearjerker. It’s awesome to see a father’s commitment to his child regardless of the obstacles and challenges. I think its important to tell this story.

Will stars in this movie with his own 8 year-old son, Jaden. I wasn’t sure if this was his oldest son from his first marriage or his second marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith. So I googled "Will Smith marriage" to get the low down. What I found forever changed my perception of one of my favorite actors. I found a 2005 article with a London newspaper declaring that he and Jada have an open marriage.

Mikey’s First Girlfriend November 4, 2006

Tonight I happened to catch Mikey and Jordy before they went to bed. Both of them were unusually chatty, which I love. I got an unprecedented 20 minute conversation between the two of them. When I got to Mikey I asked him what was new and all he would tell me was that it was something personal. When I asked him if it involved a girl he just giggled and said he gave his mom permission to tell me.

If you read the following you can’t tell anyone, I didn’t ask if I had permission to share.

Saturday Relationships in San Diego October 31, 2006

I was glad my vicodin hangover wore off in time for me to go to San Diego to visit Nicole. She moved back in June and I hadn’t seen her new place. She had a surprise for me, our friend Jenn, who just moved to Florida and was back in the area for the weekend. It was great to see them both, we had lots to catch up on.

I realized that I’ve lived in So. Cal. for 13 years and I have only been San Diego a couple of times. There is so much to see - Balboa Park, La Jolla, Old Town, Mission San Diego, Sea World, Legoland, Heritage Park - lots of history, ocean views and good food.

We started catching up and siteseeing at Balboa Park. It is amazingly beautiful. We walked around to see the ampitheatre, Spanish Village, Prado Theatre, UN village, Japanese Friendship Garden and we only saw a very small part of it. I can’t wait to go back and take more photos.

In retrospect I think we saw every phase of a relationship in that one day. The weather was a perfect day for relationshipping.. Scattered throughout the park we saw people on dates and weddings.

We went up to Mt Soledad vista to get a sweeping panorama of La Jolla and the ocean. It was breathtaking. It is views like this, warm 80 degree days in October that make living here worth the cost. Even though it was a little foggy it was still stunning.

While we were there we saw a limo pull up and two young people climbed out. He was in a tuxedo and she was in a beautiful red gown. From afar we wondered if it was kids on their way to homecoming then we watched him drop to one knee. We didn’t hear the answer but assumed that she said yes since there was a hug and he joined her on the bench to over look the perfect view.

We drove back down to the water’s edge to see the sunset. We stopped to look at the surf and people watch. There were many getting their photos taken by the water, including several doing engagement photos. They were frolicking in the water trying to appear spontaneous and lovey-dovey.

As we strolled along the sea we saw four weddings, ranging from the very young to the very old. We noticed that you could tell the age of the bride by the number of bridesmaids she had. The number goes up exponentially the younger they are. I have to say the sweetest one was the oldest wedding of the day. To see people at least in their 60s finding love was great.

We had dinner at Top of the Cove - fantastic food and a more amazing view. The perfect cap of the night was at a place called Extraordinary Desserts. The line is a mile long to get it but do not let it distract you from visting. I had the best toasted almond and caramel chesecake.

It was a great day. Time to be with good friends that make you think, make you laugh and let you be silly. We all commented on how hard it is to find people like that who are willing to take the time to really get to know you, be honest about what they see and love you anyway.

Single Conclusion September 23, 2006

I’ve been posting all week about the purpose and benefits of being single. It started as a joke I don’t know if I ever actually intended to follow through on my declaration that I’d post everyday on some aspect of being single. But I did and now at the end of the week I realize I’ve been on a journey of embracing the truth and calling of my life as it is right now, not the version I created in my head.

Single Dating September 21, 2006

Any discussion about singles must include dating. I’m going to avoid the typical conversation including such things as kissing dating goodbye, the purity line and other boundaries that are important to talk about but not today.

Instead let’s talk about dating as an activity. What we go through to obtain a date, enjoy a date and endure while dating. This reveals that by in large we are an optomistic people. In our 30s I say we lose the naivete that says every date could be the one but gosh darn it we keep throwing ourselves out there. We want to believe that we will find love. So we endure a lot - the good, the bad and the ridiculous.