Cold Light of Day

Most things can be rationalized in your own mind.

We can convince ourselves of almost anything. Why its ok to febreeze a top and then wear it again. Why you NEED one more piece of cake. Why we should use shopping as therapy. There are a million things we make okay by applying clever logic and a slide of our integrity. Or at least I can.

I recently started dating someone. I knew he wasn’t really right for me, almost immediately, but he’s very adorable. I told myself it was ok because I’m not looking for anything serious now. He’s light and fun. He’s ok with casual. So what difference does it make. So for a few weeks it was just him and me. We’d go to dinner, movies, bookstore, for coffee or the occassion coffee. We really have nothing in common, lots of silence. But it’s easy and non-complicated

Then tonight the bubble burst when he met some of my friends. It was just kind of awkward. Later, hearing their reactions it really hit home that my justification doesn’t fly. It doesn’t matter that he’s pretty. It doesn’t matter that he likes me. It doesn’t matter that he’s nice, kind and a gentleman. It’s just not working.

He doesn’t challenge me. We don’t share the same faith. We don’t have the same goals. We are just passing time together. UGH! I know I could make this work if I wanted to, but deep down I know I don’t really want to.

I also realized that this is about having something for me that doesn’t include my family or its drama. He is someone no one knew about but me. I liked having a life outside of my family. There were no questions, judgements, comments or opinions. Maybe that was just another way to rationalize it too.

Waiting for the right person is hard. I’m 34. I’m aging as I write this. All of my friends are married and many with kids. I feel like I’m being left behind. In my mind the world single echoes in a valley of loneliness and cats. I’m just tired of it. I miss having someone in my life.

But I can’t pretend anymore. Back to reality.

Filed under: Relationshipping , dating, friends

Refusing to hold his tail up and other signs of growth

My poor mom has been housebound for two weeks. She is on zero-weight bearing from her foot surgery and with our lovely icy weather its just safer to stay indoors. Yesterday she devoted the afternoon to watching “The Dog Whisperer.” The story that stood out was about the runt of the liter that had no self-esteem.

The dog was very skittish, timid and fearful of people and most situations. Caesar came and said the way to make it feel better was to hold its tail up. It is a signal to the dog to be proud, be confident and to own its territory. This is why in dog shows they will hold the tail up while they are being judged. With this simple act they assume a difference stance and exude self-esteem. It’s amazing what we as human use to build our self-esteem. For some its job, cars, money, relationships or we seek constant reassurance and acts from others.

I’ve been having serious doubt about the guy I’ve been talking to lately. I knew immediately that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. There are lots of ex-wife issues, kid problems and job stuff abounding. He has a lot going on in his life. He doesn’t have the time or space for anything beyond friends. He doubts himself, what he has to offer and what he wants out of life right now. I recognized it and I made peace with it. In the past I would have chased after him, hung in there until the bitter end and convinced myself it was going to be different in the end. I thought we could just be friends, I really hoped for that. Everyone needs a friend.

But after a huge discussion today we decided to part ways. I realized that I was still reassuring him a lot. I got tired of explaining what I meant cause he took everything the wrong way. In essence I got tired of holding his tail up. I realized that even as his friend it was unhealthy for me. While I had completely detached from the notion of any sort of relationship he really isn’t even ready to be friends, which is ok. His reality is just really different from mine. No big deal.

So its over. No hard feelings. No lingering phone calls. No more text messages. It’s just done and I’m relieved.

Then last night as I was pondering the day I realized how huge that was for me. I wasn’t considering it my duty to fix him or make him a project. I simply decided to give him the room he needs to deal with his stuff without me. It’s ok to say no, I can’t help you. While hard to do it saves a lot of heartache.

Then I realized I used to be just like him. I was so insecure. When in a relationships I needed constant validation that everything was ok. I was so afraid of rocking the boat that the boat never went anywhere. God really has been working in my life and I didn’t even notice until just now. How about that. I am no longer the insecure girl that hides behind sarcasm to keep people at arms distance. Wow! That is amazing. I know what I have to offer in a relationship. I don’t have to constantly feel like the lucky one and that they putting up with me and I need to be eternally grateful for their presence bestowed upon me.

WHI-HOO! That is growth sister.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Relationshipping , confidence, dating, insecurity, issues, personal growth, relationships

Dating a Single Dad

One of the hazards of being single well into your 30s is that a lot of the eligible men in the dating pool are divorced. And where there is a divorce chances are there are kids too. Navigating these waters can be tricky. There are ex-wives, schedules, baggage, resentments and unresolved issues up the wazoo. The sad part is the kids and the new girlfriend are often the collateral damage.

My last serious relationship was with a single father. His daughter lived in another state so we’d been dating for a year before I met her. Yet when she was in town our relationship ceased to exist. He had no ability to balance parenting duties and boyfriend duties. Once I got to know her I figured out how to fit into their world. I helped fill in the gaps and made it my goal to help him be the best father he could be. But our relationship would stop growing because we had no time together.

It isn’t all bad, getting to know her was one of the great joys of my life. I got to be a fun aunt in her life for a while. I wasn’t responsible for parenting. I count myself as privileged to be one of the people in her life that loved her. It was fun to be a girly girl with her. We went and got pedicures together. She loves to read and so we spent lots of time in bookstores and libraries. There were also days we didn’t get along at all. Yet overall I am glad I was part of her life for a bit. But kids make a new relationship complicated. There are many unmitigating circumstances you have zero control of.

So a relationship with a single dad requires great flexibility, confidence and determination to make it work. As the new person in this equation you never really know where you stand or what your role is supposed to be. Your plans are always flexible. You most always come second. Even his relationship with the ex-wife predates yours, so she is still a pull in his life. One call from her can ruin the week because she pushes every button he has, often on purpose.

My mom said at my age I need to be remember that I’m choosing from the damaged ones. LOL. Classic mom line.

I’m revisitng these issues because I’ve recently met someone I really like and he’s a single father with three kids. The divorce was ugly and the residual effects are still very evident. We have great chemistry and a lot of fun but because of his situation I don’t know if it will work. His time is limited. His first priority are his kids, which I know is right.

I don’t have kids. I don’t fully know the weight of responsibility that rests on your shoulders as a parent. I can’t imagine how that is affected by a divorce, where as a father you don’t have the daily access to your children. It has to be hard.

Cognitively I know his time and attention are limited. We don’t have the same priorities. I want to be understanding and supportive but when plans change again and again I get frustrated. Am I ready for another relationship like this? I realize he’s not my ex and that perhaps he can balance fatherhood and dating, I really have no idea.

But ultimately, I’m afraid to hope, trust and let him in, those are my issues. LOL

Maybe we’re all damaged at this point.

Filed under: Relationshipping , dating, ex wife, issues, kids, single dad, single parent

Break Up Strategy

I was talking with a friend today, who recently broke up with her boyfriend, about post break up strategy and how we sabotage ourselves into making really bad decisions.

In the beginning you surround yourself with good friends, lots of chocolate and kleenex. Then once you get past the crying phase you head into the anger phase where you destroy photos and other evidence of said relationship. Every thing wrong with him and the relationship is crystal clear in your mind. Your friends finally tell you what they really thought and every nagging doubt you ever had is front and center in your mind.

Gradually, you stop being mopey and angry but this is when you enter the scary negotiating and bargining phase. Even after suffering through all of the pain and trauma of calling it off, or being dumped you still wonder if maybe you’ll get back together. You choose to believe that there is hope, maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe your differences weren’t that big. Perhaps he really was “the one.”

See this is when the thought of having to date again begins to take root and your friends try to set you up to help you move on. You meet a couple of freaks and the next thing you know you’re making calls to the ex. You tell yourself it’ll be different, you’ve learned so much through the experience. THESE ARE LIES. YOU’RE BEING DELUSIONAL.

So we decided that while you’re crying and angry it is important to start a list of the reasons why you broke up. You’re already replaying every conversation leading up to the break up in your head anyway, you might as well write them down.

Your reasons don’t need to make sense. They don’t need to be rational, but write down in graphic detail every reason why the relationship didn’t work. Then when you’re on this destructive train, thinking maybe he wasn’t so bad you’ll remember why you are not with him anymore.

We both have gone back for second helpings of the ridiculousness thinking things change but fundamentally they don’t. If you can white knuckle it past the bargaining phase, rooted in loneliness and a fear of the unknown then you can truly accept that the relationship is OVER and leave it in the past where it belongs.

He really hasn’t changed and neither have you. You will continue to have the same annoying conversations, fights, disagreements and issues the second and third time you try to make it work. LET GO. You can’t even begin to think of moving on until you put all delusions and hallucinations to rest.

This list will also come in handy when in a few months he gets lonely and calls you. It will also be helpful if you see signs of the same things in the next guy. This is how we can learn from our mistakes instead of being destined to repeat them.

Filed under: Relationshipping

Always a bride

Recently in a meeting we got side-tracked on fashion and our VP casually told us that his bride bought him the shirt he was wearing.

He’s been married for almost 30 years, so hearing him refer to his wife as his bride just made me smile. I guess because it’s consistent with how he talks about her and to her. The look on his face changes when he hears her voice or she’s in the room, it is one of sheer devotion, adoration and love.

Rarely do you see couples who’ve been married for a while talk to and about each other in such glowing terms. Now I’m sure it isn’t alway sweetness and light but our actions follow our words. It was so refreshing to see such delight between them.

I hope someday someone loves me like that.

Filed under: Relationshipping, Single Serving

Conversation(s) with Other Women [2005]

A man [Aaron Eckhart] and woman [Helena Bonham Carter] meet at a wedding. They begin talking and there is something familiar about their banter, it flows easily and the sexual tension is palpable.

As the conversation wears on their relationship both past and present begins to unfold. We realize, as do they, that they had a relationship nearly 20 years ago. As the fuzzy details get clearer the connection is finally understood. The lovers are forced to confront the younger versions of themselves in their memories. Did their lives end up like they thought it would?

Filed under: Pop Culture, Psychobabbling, Relationshipping

It’s not you, it’s me

If I were to characterize most of the men I’ve dated I would say they were- emotionally unavailable, commitmentphobic and posessing a giant fear of intimacy.

Our relationship was fantastic as long as we didn’t get too close. This means that it’s great for about four or five months then once the novelty wore off, the lust wore off and the real work began it would end.

Why in the world was I continually choosing men that were so ambivalent about me? Why was I continually finding men that were so distant? Why couldn’t I just meet a nice guy to love me for who I am?

Then as I read chapter 10 of Dawn Eden’s book, Thrill of the Chaste she told me why. It’s not them, it’s me.

Filed under: Psychobabbling, Reading, Relationshipping

This time last year…

A well-meaning co-worker helpfully pointed out today that if I would have gotten married when we originally planned (Nov 29, 2005) we would soon be celebrating our one-year anniversary.

My first thought was, ummm… ok.

My second thought was, what the hell kind of comment is that?

My third thought was, wow, has it been that long already?

Once past the shock, horror and inappropriateness of if all I had to stop and think about the last year. Again. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t looking for nostalgia this morning. I wasn’t feeling in the mood for reflection, but it was thrust upon me like Christmas fruitcake, unwittingly and unwantedly.

Yes, we thought about getting married Nov. 29, 2005. We had the date and a place, but we could never put down the deposit and reserve it. We couldn’t get to that point. It always seemed like a giant hurdle pver which neither one of us was willing to jump. It just seemed too far or too high, or something.

So, after a moment of reflection, one year later, I can honestly say, I don’t really feel anything. It’s not sadness. It’s not relief. It’s not anything.

I wish him well.

I wish me well.

Filed under: Psychobabbling, Relationshipping

Will Smith on Marriage

Since I was home sick today I had little energy to anything beyond changing channels.

I was excited to see that Will Smith would be on Oprah. I love Will Smith. I love, love, love him. I think he’s cute, funny, charming and seems like a fantastic husband and father. The song he did with Jada called 1,000 Kisses is one of my favorites. My friend Laticia always made fun of me because of my massive crush on him. I mean when one of his songs comes on I have to stop and sing. Summer doesn’t officially begin until I hear Summertime. Have I mentioned how much I love him. I love him.

He was on Oprah promoting his new movie, Pursuit of Happyness, inspired by the true story of Chris Gardner, a homeless, single father’s pursuit of the American dream. It looks like a great movie, a real tearjerker. It’s awesome to see a father’s commitment to his child regardless of the obstacles and challenges. I think its important to tell this story.

Will stars in this movie with his own 8 year-old son, Jaden. I wasn’t sure if this was his oldest son from his first marriage or his second marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith. So I googled "Will Smith marriage" to get the low down. What I found forever changed my perception of one of my favorite actors. I found a 2005 article with a London newspaper declaring that he and Jada have an open marriage.

Filed under: Pop Culture, Quoting, Ranting and Raving, Relationshipping

Mikey’s First Girlfriend

Tonight I happened to catch Mikey and Jordy before they went to bed. Both of them were unusually chatty, which I love. I got an unprecedented 20 minute conversation between the two of them. When I got to Mikey I asked him what was new and all he would tell me was that it was something personal. When I asked him if it involved a girl he just giggled and said he gave his mom permission to tell me.

If you read the following you can’t tell anyone, I didn’t ask if I had permission to share.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Relationshipping