If you grew up anywhere near or in a Christian church you really must add the blog Stuff Christians Like to your daily reading. It is comedy therapy. In the past week alone it has rated the myriad of christian festival names on a scale of holiness, given a quiz to judge if its a John Mayer lyric or a verse from the message version of the bible and compared christian conferences to prom. How can you not love that. I have to say my father, the pastor and I a seminary graduated missed 5 of the 15 on the John Mayer quiz.
The Shack April 29, 2008
At work this week people were all a-twitter about this book called, The Shack. They were using words like amazing, revolutionary, inspiring and life-changing. Wow! That’s a tall order for a book. So Ty lent me her copy and I read it today on the plane.
All I can say is, oh my goodness. This is book is amazing, revolutionary, inspiring and life-changing. It tells the story of Mackenzie Phillips and his encounter with God after the murder of his daughter. Grappling with a great sadness that cripples his life, he shuts out God and abandons his faith. But God in his infinite love comes to find him, quite literally.
The Shack provides a refreshingly new look at how God interacts with us and what he really wants from us, a relationship. This is definitely not a trite, cliched Christian novel. It is about a journey to the heart of God and what he wants to tell us.
There were moments where I so identified with the character that I was sobbing, he echoed the cries and questions of my heart. I finally got a glimpse of what “being with God” is all about. I don’t even think I understood some of it, or agreed with all of it, but I walked off the plane tonight feeling like I spent the day with God himself. That’s a good book.
Mystery Reader April 2, 2008
Today I got the chance to go into Jordy’s class and be the mystery reader of the day.
It is Dr. Seuss month and each student was to invite family members and friends to come into the class, with a snack, and read. Only they never knew who would show up when.
I had to knock on the door and the students would try and guess who it was. I had a grand entrance and was received to a loud, “It’s my Aunt Marti.” How glorious is that! Then Jordy introduced me to the class, “This is my aunt who just moved here from California to be with my brother and me.” True.
I got to sit in the rocking chair in front of the reading area and Jordy sat next to me while we read, “Oh the places you will go.” It’s hard to read upside down and still show the book to the class.
When we were done Jordy’s teacher asked him if he thought it would be me and he said, “I never expected it.” How cute. Then he got to hand out the snacks (packs of Goldfish). He got to call who he wanted to one and a time. Oh the power. I remember so wanting to be called first. They were all sitting there eagerly waiting to hear their name.
They were all polite and one of the girls even came up and gave me a hug. Jordy wouldn’t touch me but strangers gave me hugs.
So much fun. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to hang out with them. They were so cute.
Five Love Languages for Singles - Physical Touch October 9, 2007
Our last love language is physical touch.
Whatever there is of you resides in your body. To touch your body is to touch you.
Chapman identifies four different kinds of touch: appropriate and inappropriate, implicit and explicit. The first pair don’t need definiting. Implicit touches are subtle, fleeting and don’t require any thought or premeditation. It can be a quick touch to the hand or shoulder. It can imply understanding, emphasis and is okay with people we hardly know.
Explicit touch can be a massage, demand full attention, take more time, and this kind requires knowledge of the other person, what they live and who they are. This touch implies relationship. It’s the different between a two pat hug and “leaning.”
“Physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything we need to feel loved. We cannot always change event, but we can survive if we feel loved.”
It’s amazing how in moment of pain all we need is a hug. Just somone who is willing to reach into the emotion and let us know that we are not alone. When you think about singles and physical touch its alarming how long some go without being touched.
In my small group we always hug one another when showing up and leaving. At first it was a little awkward. I didn’t know them very well and it seemed odd. But now I look forward to it. It has become love to me over time. It is more than just custom or what we do. I like it.
This chapter can’t exclude sexual touch from the conversation. Chapman provides an overview of the sexual revolution and how it has damaged our use of sex. Sex isn’t about satisfying an animal instinct. It shouldn’t be used just to feel better because in the end it errodes our view of love and connection. Our sexuality isn’t limited to our bodies but is an expression of our wholeness through commitment to one person. When we reduce it to just a carnal act we effectively remove the divine from it.
A chapter on physical touch must also include its shadow side - abuse. Physical touch can be perverted causing physical harm to another. This inappropriate touch is destructive and debilitating. In a dating relationship this can be excused as love and ignored but it will get worse if left unchecked.
Real love doesn’t take advantage or use force. It is gentle, appropriate, it waits for the right time and place to be expressed.
The Jane Austen Book Club [2007] October 7, 2007
“Jane Austen is the perfect antidote to life,” Bernadette (Kathy Baker) says of their endeavor to read all six Jane Austen’s novels. [Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Northanger Abbey, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Mansfield Park)
Her friends need it. Jocelyn (Maria Bello) lost her beloved dog. Sylvia (Amy Brennamen) loses her husband of 20 years to another woman. Prudie (Emily Blunt) is a french teacher, who is unhappily married to a man who cancels their trip to Paris to take clients to an NBA game. Grigg, the token male, is in love with Jocelyn, who tries to set him up iwth Sylvia. Allegra (Maggie Grace), Sylvia’s daughter, the quick to love, youthful lesbian rounds out the group.
Each member of the group picks a novel and hosts the group once a month. Soon their lives begin to parallel the novel they pick. Let the chaos, misunderstandings, heartaches and crisis begin.
Adopted from Karen Fowler’s book of the same name this movie is a chick flick. It is full of wry observations, albeit a little obvious, quick wit and the things that bond women together -good conversation, good food and drama.
It was a fun movie I got to see with my roomie Tina. It helped cleanse some of the love gunk left over from Feast of Love last week. The characters in this film realize love takes work, requires commitment and that it is what makes us sane and crazy at the same time.
I need to go re-read the books now.
Five Love Language for Singles - Quality Time October 3, 2007
The fourth love language is quality time.
Aaah now we’re talking my language. Quality time is all about being together. It’s focused attention. No distractions. It is true connection as you engage in quality conversation or activities.
When quality time is used as a means of expressing love it is a powerful, authentic connection. It isn’t about the activity, the focus is on what is happening between the people involved. This is all about emotional availibility and connection.
God made us for community. We need each other. We were not meant to do life alone. Yet it’s amazing how fragmented our relationships are and how lonely we feel. We hunger for this expression of love. Yet our lives are too busy, we don’t have the time to invest this way very often with many people.
Chapman identifies three main expressions of quality time: quality conversation, quality listening and quality activities.
Quality conversation is about “sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.”
A couple of weeks ago I spent the day with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We did many activities but never got the chance to sit down and really talk. I left feeling a little sad. I didn’t feel connected to her. While we had fun it wasn’t completely satisfying for me. I wanted to hear about her life, interact with her about mine and discuss what we were thinking and feeling about those things that mattered to us. We didn’t have a chance to sit and share life.
An important part of quality conversation is hearing. In order to be a quality conversationalist “I will focus on drawing you out, listening sympatheically to what you have to say. I will ask question, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires.”
It isn’t just hearing but listening to truly understand the situation and the person. It means listening for the emotions that underlie what they are saying, body language, giving undivided attention, not interrupting and clarifying what you are hearing from them. You aren’t thinking about what you’ll say next, but you are in the moment with them, emoting, encouraging, and paying attention.
The final quality time dialect is quality activities. It still isn’t really about the activity but the fact that you are doing it with someone you are about. The focus is on building memories, having shared experiences and giving someone else one of the most important things we have so little of, time.
This is why I love my day trips. I get quality, uninterrupted time one-on-one with people I enjoy spending time with. As we engage with our surroundings we’re also engaging with one another. It is sheer bliss for me.
The scary thing about quality time is opening up to another person, showing your feelings and inner most thoughts. You’re trusting them with who you are and what you like to do. Given past experiences in relationships this can be reduced to really shallow and unemotional exchanges.
I’ve been in relationships where we engage in many activities together and yet there is no connection whatsoever. I think this happens alot with co-workers. So when often when you change jobs you never talk to them again. It can also be this way with roommates. Just because you live with someone it doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time together. These relationships are frustrating.
Quality time is deliberate and intentional to build the relationship.
So for me quality time is invigorating, refreshing and life giving. I feel understood, enriched and well … loved. The people I can engage in quality time with are my soul feeders. My batteries get recharged and I leave their presence wanting more time.
Five Love Languages for Singles - Acts of Service September 24, 2007
The third love language we studied is acts of service.
The love language of service is one of sacrifice and help in a time of need. This is best exemplified through Jesus, and that is what we focused on in our group. Tina did a great job leading our discussion.
We listed all of the acts of service that Jesus performed and received during the three years of his ministry: healing the sick, raising the dead, washing feet, feeding five thousand, educated the masses and dying on the cross, just to name a few. He was among the least of them, the most needy and meet their basic, most pressing needs. Thinking about how Jesus received was a new tangle for me. He received water from the woman at the well. Another woman used expensive perfume to clean his feet. Martha served him when he was in her home. So this is a love language he knew well.
Acts of service is a way of expressing a sense of responsibliity for the well-being of others.
As with all of the gifts there is a shadow side, how it can be distorted to be negative and unhealthy. For acts of service its underbelly is slavery. In slavery you are not giving because you want to but because you have to. In slavery “freedom to truly serve is lost. Slavery hardens the heart. Slavery creates angelr, bitterness, and resentment.” This isn’t love.
When you treat another person as an object, you preclude the possibility of love. Manupulation by guilt (’If you loved me, you would do this for me’) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (’You will do this or you will be sorry’) is alient to love. Love refuses to be manipulated.
I have to admit this love language is really hard for me, not to give but to receive. I think I’ve got too much experience with the black side of acts of service. For me it means vulnerability and weakness. I do not like to be needy. If I can’t do it myself I don’t really need it. Making a need be known is really an effort. If someone asks to help that’s one thing. But having to ask is quite another. This is definitely an area I need to work on.
It’s interesting that when God reveals a weakness he will continue to work on it for you. In another study this idea of vulnerability through acts of service came up again. This time it went futher to say that the inability to ask for help is evidence of a stubborn pride preventing us from letting go and asking God for help. So instead of growing, changing and maturing we cling to lifestyle that doesn’t work for us anymore but we’re suck because we operate in our own power never asking for help. Yikes. Definitely need to look at that some more.
Still, acts of service is definitely not my primary love language.
Five Love Languages for Singles - Gifts September 17, 2007
The second kind of love language we studied are gifts.
Chapman believes that giving gifts is one of the fundamental universal languages of love, in any culture. When done in its purest, unselfish, no strings attached way it is a “visual symbol of love.”
Now to the person whose primary love language is gifts it doesn’t matter if the gift is found, made, bought, small, big, expensive, or cheap. It is about the symbolic act of giving something to them in a loving way.
However, just like everything else it too can be perverted. The wrong kind of gift giving is when you expect something in return, are using it as leverage, it cannot be a payment for anything, or used as an apology and mean the same thing.
Chapman also says this is the easiest language to learn. If we’re paying attention we will pick up on the clues others give to us about what they like, what they need, what they’re hoping for and what their interests are. If we’re good listeners we will be able to buy, make, and recognize appropriate gifts for those that are important to us.
In our small group we all drew names and made something this week. It was great to see all of the different ideas that abounded and reflected how well we know each other. It was a fun exercise.
I think for me that the great thing about gifts is that it shows how well you know someone or how well they know you. Gifts can be a disaster if you’re not paying attention. I’ve received gifts that have nothing to do with me and is more about what the other person likes or wants, that isn’t love.
I’ve also received gifts that were the longing of my soul and many times those gifts cost little or nothing. It isn’t about how much money you spend. I don’t think many guys get that in a dating relationship. Free tip for ya - we just want to know you’re paying attention. That’s all. We really aren’t that difficult, we just require a little work.
While I appreciate gifts I know it isn’t my primary love language.
Five Love Languages for Singles: Words of Affirmation September 13, 2007
In my small group right now we’re reading, The Five Love Languages for Singles, by Gary Chapman.
The premise is that we all give and receive love in one of five languages (words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time or acts of service). The goal is to determine your primary love language, while learning to speak all of them to a healthy degree to those important to you. This will in turn help to strengthen and build relationships.
No, the love languages don’t change for singles but how they are executed must be done in context. For example, physical touch, as Christians we can’t claim that’s your primary love language and start engaging in premarital activities. It doesn’t work that way.
Being single gives us the time to delve into our pasts, root out what was passed onto us from our families and learn things differently or be grateful for the foundation that our parents have given to us. So in that regard learning to speak the five languages while single is easier. We are also learning healthy ways to communicate care and love to each other in many different ways.
We are on the first love language: Words of Affirmation. For some this comes naturally. This is a tough one for me. I am much more well versed in words of sarcasm and cynicism.
But our words are powerful and show the condition of our hearts. Yikes. I still have some digging to do. So I’m trying to make a conscious effort to tell those around me how much I appreciate and value them. It just isn’t natural for me to do that.
To help us get into the habit our leader had us practice on each other. Wow! What an amazing experience. When you focus on the positive and speak words of appreciation you are speaking power into someone’s life. I know I felt it. It gave me a boost for my week. It colored my perception of myself just a little bit differently.
We all have our own unique perspective and when we pass on positive truth in a sincere way it is life affirming. It affirms their worth. Imagine the difference that can make in someone’s life when you love them that way because maybe you are sharing something they haven’t seen, something they thought was taken for granted or something they didn’t feel was of value.
I still have to practice. It makes me feel awkward, vulnerable and silly sometimes. But that is making it about me instead of focusing on the other person.
So I am learning to notice others in a new way and seeking out opportunities to express love in this way. Maybe one day I will be fluent.
I have trouble trusting others, so I don’t think words of affirmation is my primary love language.
Sabbatical of Sorts Update May 30, 2007
I’m finally feeling better. The cough is down to a minimum. I have energy and I no longer wish to sleep the day away. WHI-HOO!!
One thing I’ve learned from having seven straight days off, with nothing planned, is that it is good for the soul. Normally when I take time off from work it’s for a vacation. I start stressed about planning, packing and travelling. I arrive at my destination and it’s non-stop siteseeing and moving. Then I come home exhausted.
So to stay home and do nothing but read, pray, and write has been restful. At first I must admit it was a little stressful. I put so much pressure on myself to have a plan for my life by the time this week was over. I was bound and determined to hear from God and have serious next steps ready for implementation. It of course hasn’t worked out that way, not specifically anyway.
The main message I’ve gotten from him is that he loves me and that he likes spending time with me. My tanks are filling back up. I’m re-energizing. I no longer feel like a walking ball of nerves and emotion. It’s nice. The urge to run screaming for the hills is gone. Maybe this is what peaceful feels like - hmmm.
I highly recommend the book I’ve been reading - Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of, by John Eldredge. It’s fantastic. It reminds us that we were born with desire but that after disappointments, because of fear and as we fill our lives with obligation and duty we try to push it bury it. But because we were created to have it that desire doesn’t disappear it is forced to escape as addiction, depression, and other more destructive forces in our lives.
Then Eldredge goes on to paint the most beautiful and enticing picture of eternity that I’ve ever read. It is in eternity that our desires will be fully revealed and expressed. That is why this life is a dress rehearsal.
Yet while that is comforting and exciting it also made me wonder what the heck am I supposed to do now? What do I do with this restlessness that plagues me? Then he asked one of Jesus’ favorite questions, what do you want?
At that point I had to put the book down because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve stuffed, buried, tried to kill and otherwise hidden from my desires for so long that I don’t know. I sat for about 30 minutes trying to coming up with an answer. I thought of a bunch of things but none of them spoke to the longing of my soul.
It was a very frustrating moment. I was irritated with myself. Why is that such a difficult question? It shouldn’t be. I was getting so stirred up that I had go to distract myself from the question. I tried to go to the beach where the waves drown out my thoughts but the pesky tourists were clogging up my favorite spot in Laguna. So instead I went shopping.
After I got home my dad called. He doesn’t call me that often, but since he heard about my sabbatical of sorts he’s been checking in on me periodically. Normally when you talk to him you only get about 30-40% of his attention. I love him dearly but he has severe ADD. Yesterday it was one of those rare occassions where he was fully present.
We talked about a lot of different things. A dream he had. What his plans are for the future. Cars. Then we got around to talking about post-modernism and the needs of the next generation. He started asking me all these questions about it - general opinion stuff. Then he got more and more specific to what I had to offer, things I could implement and what I think would be most effective ways to reach them. Then he asked me the same question Eldredge and Jesus asked earlier, what do you want?
Only this time I had an answer. My dream came back to me. I hadn’t spoken it aloud for some time. It scared me. It excited me. It rejuvenated me. It felt right. It was peaceful.
Then my dad proceeded to speak the most amazing words of encouragement, affirmation and love. He was excited for me. It was exactly what I needed.
I have no idea what to do next. I don’t have a plan. But I have a place to start and that is something I haven’t had in a while. I’m going to revel in the moment then harness the energy this idea brings and move.
I can finally breathe. I still have no idea what will happen. All I can do is pray, trust, and surrender. Some of the most difficult things for me to do. Isn’t that where God always takes us? It’s how we know the idea is from him - it causes faith stretching and we know it won’t work unless he’s in it.
