Updating my Wineskins July 14, 2008

Last week in church we talked about the importance of becoming new wineskins. Then I heard a conference session from Marcos Witt on how to prevent staleness in our lives as we create situations and circumstances (wineskins) to grow and change.

Now I’ve heard the wineskin parable a million times but never really applied it to my life in this way. So, honestly what does that mean? What is a wineskin? I’ve been wine tasting enough to see wine in barrells but never in a skin of anysort. So the idea of not putting new wine in an old wineskin doesn’t really resonate with me.

As I grapple with this I’d i’ve realize that the idea of a wineskin is about constructs, skemas, ideas, traditions, religion, perhaps even a location, church, friends, or other relationship. We get new wine as we begin to change. It is a fresh understanding, healing, wholeness that comes as we grow and learn. This new information doesn’t fit into the existing structures we’ve created in our minds and hearts.

For me living in California was a wineskin. It was familiar, safe, comfortable and to some extent easy. There was a routine and rhythm to my life that was good, it worked. Yet I could float through life a bit. I wasn’t really challenged. I was only pushed when I allowed it. I was well-defined there. I had a job, a role to play, friends, and history.

Now here I have no context for anything, including me. Everything here is so different - how they talk, the foods they eat, even how they drive. Aaahh, so our wineskins are part of our identity, they define our worlds. It’s the structure on which we hang other information.

Yet in our comfort we can become legalistic, ritualistic and too tied to tradition. I had a very well defined way that I lived and related to others. I met everyone with a filter sarcasm and cynicism including God. To stay fresh in our lives we need to let ourselves be stretched, pulled out of our comfort zones to force us to engage in a new way, with a new perspective. Ooh I’d say that is where I am living these days.

To become new wineskins is to stay close to the heart of God, Witt says, because He changes his methods to capture our hearts. While his nature is unchanging Christ shed his divinity to be human so we could be restored (Phil 2). So how he relates to us changes on how he needs to get our attention. Being in a rut and tied to our existing way of doing things will render us ineffective in reaching out to others in service, in being flexible to learn and I would think in applying grace to ourselves and others.

In the end, the freshness of our wineskins is tied to our sense of wonder. Are we able to worship God with wonder and innocence of a child. Are we intrigued by the small things or are we bitter and cynical? I can confess am cynical. I grew stale. I doubted everything and could see the negative in everything. I constantly waited for the other shoe. Some of this was for survival. Some of this is from experience. Some of this is out of fear. I have to learn to trust God enough to let the wonder back into my life. I have to learn how to let go and let things be unplanned and out of my control. That is the biggest fallacy. We are never in control of anything and its our desperate grasp to try and control it that ends up in frustration and resentment because its impossible.

So life is really all about how we deal with change. Do we become stale in our existance, floating through life letting it go by as we stay safe in our same ole, same ole? Or do we let ourselves become agents of change as we become more authentic, transparents and pliable for whatever it is that God wants to do through us.

That is where I am? I still have parts of my heart that need to be broken. I still need to be molded, changed. There are still parts of me that are unconverted. I am saved, which happens in an instant but conversion take a life time. I struggle with unbelief sometimes. There are aspects of becoming Christlike that I rebel against and just don’t like. I was talking with a friend a while back and we were talking about discipleship and how hard it was to let go of some of our “flesh.” Discipleship is painful.

Anyway, I digress. I am just thinking outloud here. I am still struggling with life here. I know for a fact that I needed to move. But I thought that once I did some magical, mystical path would open before and I would suggently realize what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead I’m in Ohio, still lost, completely outside of my comfort zone and freaked out.

I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found this yellow, brick road? It doesn’t stick with me that all God cares about is the relationship. He just wants me to be close. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to trust him. I have trouble reckoning in my brain that freaked out and still lost is exactly where he wants me right now. That’s when I lean into him.

This seems to be a lesson I’m not getting because everytime I take a step I wait for the a-ha moment where it all makes sense. Maybe my a-ha moment won’t come for a while or ever. Not sure. But the goal has to be the same - an intimate relationship with God. I don’t do vulnerable very well. I have touble letting people in, even an omniscient, all-powerful God. I guess that’s the wineskin that needs most updating.

Juno and My Parents May 18, 2008

Last night I watched Juno with my parents. I didn’t quite think through to the fact that the story paralleled their own lives. It didn’t hit me until we were about five minutes in and Juno is calling to “procure a hasty abortion” on her hamburger phone. Yikes.

My parents got pregnant when my mom was a senior in high school. Only in typical Catholic form they decided to keep the baby [me] and get married.

Watching this movie with them made me look at my parent differently. It was new for me to think of my mother as a scared 17 year-old in high school and pregnant. Or of my father as a lost boy not sure what his role was supposed to be. As my parents, I always expected them to know what they were doing. They were supposed to be the adults and in charge. Seeing how young Juno was made me realize that what I needed from my parents as a child was impossible for them to be.

I know they’re glad to have me, blah, blah, blah. I’m not pondering that at all. I’m looking at the situation almost in 3rd person, in part because of the movie, and as an adult. I wish they had time to finish growing up before they became parents.

My mom cried at the end of the movie. I wonder what she was crying about or who she was crying for. Maybe it was her own youth, childhood, and choices? I know she wonders what would have happened if she didn’t get pregnant. What if they had opted for abortion or adoption. Maybe their lives would be totally different, married to other people, happier, more content, more fulfilled because they finished growing up before they jumped into “situations way beyond their maturity level.”

I look at their lives and realize they are living out the consequences for decisions that a 17 and 19 year old made. How tragic that the course of your life is dictated by a horny teenager.

This isn’t to say, “oh poor me” or “oh how tragic.” God makes all things new and uses what could have destroyed us to be our greatest strength and for his glory.

Being vs Doing April 20, 2008

The other night I had a great conversation with a friend from California. I miss my friends so much. While I love being with my family they weren’t really part of the last 15 years of my life. The majority of my history is with friends. So I miss that part of me. I miss hanging out. I miss experiencing life with them.

Anyway, Debbie and I had an amazing conversation catching up on life and I got a chance to think out loud about my life here in Ohio. I find myself growing restless (shocker I know). I want to know what’s next. Where am I going? What will I do? What job will I have? Where will I live? As I processed this outloud I realized another reason why I’m here. I have to learn how to be still.

I am Martha.

It is more than my name it is a state of mind. I so identify with Martha in the bible. She was organized, efficient, and worried about taking care of people. She nearly missed out on being with Jesus because she was concerned with the household chores. Jesus actually rebuked her attitude.

I am like that. I am master of details, a schedule and planning. I lived my life constantly on the go. I had every night booked. I hated to be quiet. I never sat still. I wasn’t comfortable doing nothing. It made me antsy and anxious. It felt like I was wasting time. There had to be a purpose to everything. I lived a life completely overstimulated.

Cut to, moving to Ohio. There really is nothing to do here. I kid you not. For four to five months out of the year you’re stuck inside, and that’s just winter. This year we had record snow falls, up to 20 inches one weekend. Forget about summer where its so flippin hot that just walking outside requires another shower. Not to mention the nuclear sized bugs that have the power to eat you alive.

At first it was nice to relax, settle down, and enjoy the quiet life. That wore off, after about 6 weeks. I have started to go a little stir crazy. itching to get out, do something, go somewhere. A big day for me now is going to Wal-Mart, playing Guitar Hero with my nephews, and baking some cookies. I don’t even recognize myself. I often fight against slipping into a sort of depression. I have no energy. I sleep all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my life. Who I am I now?

I am finding I have to force myself to think of the benefits. It’s nice to have no schedule sometimes. I am free to go and do anything during the day. I am free to wander off and explore unknown areas - where, no idea, but I could if Ohio quickily sprouted something to look at.

I need to be grateful for this time to unwind, figure out what I want and just be. I am not what I do. I am not where I go. I need to be still. This applies to my relationship with God as well. I’m finding that the more quiet I can become the more I can hear him. Shocker. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

I have to create space for him in my life, beyond church, beyond rushing through devotions, and beyond reading spiritual books. I’m learning to discover how to just sit with him. It’s so hard. I tried to sit in silence a few weeks ago and I think I got maybe 10 good minutes in. The rest of the time my mind wandered to a million topics ranging from weather to world peace. I gave up.

But I can say I am beginning to settle down. As my brain unwinds it’s amazing how much easier it is to concentrate on anything, not just God. I am learning simple pleasures. I feel like I’m in a detox program of somesort. Now that I’m off the overstimulation of life in CA I can really smell the roses. I’m enjoying my gardening and baking. LOL. It feels so pendantic but its been great.

No guarantee March 25, 2008

Today a new friend lost his mom. She was only in her early 60s, good health, no apparent illness or problems. She was driving home had a heart attack in the car and died.

I didn’t know her personally, but I honestly am flabbergasted. It was so sudden and unexpected. I mean she just died today and her family will have her funeral services on Saturday. Where is the time to process in that? I mean I could barely begin to wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone and already the funeral is over. I guess that’s why you just go numb and switch to auto-pilot at times like that. There is no time to think about anything.

We know she didnt have time to think or plan for this. She and her husband just adopted two Brazilian children a few years ago. They are only 7 and 11 (I think). She was just driving home, probably thinking about other errands or what they’d have for dinner. She didn’t realize it would be her last day.

Makes you realize how right Proverbs are - we should never let the sun go down on our anger. We never know when our last breath will be. It made me do a quick inventory of my life, wondering who I need to talk to? I definitely made sure to tell my mom how much I love her.

Reframing: A Brand New Day February 7, 2008

I woke up this morning still feeling exhausted, lost, confused and unsure.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am stripped of everything that I have ever identified myself with: job, school, friends, boyfriend, state, etc. It’s all gone. I am down to just me. There is no longer anything to hide behind. I am truly naked, metaphorically anyway. While its healthy to grieve I can feel myself slipping into self-pity, letting the fear take over.

As I contemplated this situation one fact kept coming back to mind, I chose this. I didn’t have to move back to Ohio but I did. I also choose how I react. I can leave. I can mope. I can make myself miserable. OR I can decide to see what God has for me. I can look for adventure. I can meet lots of new people. I can embrace this change and enjoy the ride.

I need to refocus my mind, otherwise loneliness, uncertainty and fear will stop my growth before it even starts.

So today I decided to open my mind and embrace Ohio. I focused on getting settled. I unpacked a little, made room for me in the bathroom and kitchen. This is my home for now. I want to feel comfortable here. I even convinced my mom to change the hardware on the kitchen cabinets. I’ve organized some of the cupboards and am planning on reaccessorizing the bathroom.

I think I might need to remind myself of this new perspective daily, if not hourly.

Day 3: Big Texan, Back Roads, Dorothy in Oz February 3, 2008

Today was a mixture of emotions, landscapes and sites.

We started in Albuquerque, New Mexico, travelled through the Texas panhandle, the Oklahoma lowlands and have ended the day in Kansas. That’s a whole lot of nothing. Honestly the most boring landscape on the planet. It’s flat, bland and we encountered some seriously weird people. It’s the heartland of America no one wants to talk about.

Our first siteseeing stop of the day was in Amarillo, Texas. The goal was to see Cadillac Ranch and the Big Texan. We only made it to the Big Texan. If you’re anywhere near Amarillo you really need to stop to see this homegrown kitsch that reeks of tackyliciousness. The steaks were good. The deserts were big and the tea was fresh brewed.

Our GPS had no idea where the ranch was and we decided to press on. However what it did find for us were the back roads of America. We travelled to Wichita, over 300 miles, through the small blips on the map that you wish you could avoid. You know the roads where its 70 mph one second and then you enter a 45 mph zone, which is where the cops catch you in a speed trap and give you a ticket. Yep, Mike got one. But he was a very nice cop. One of the nicest I’ve ever met.

The highlight of the flat, ugly lands was that it took us through Liberal, KS where we got to see Dorothy’s house. That’s right we got to visit Auntie Em’s home. It was closed when we got there but it didn’t stop us from taking lots of pictures and taking the time to swing. It was fun.

I also got to see the small hamlet where my brother spent one very eventful year of his life in college. It is the infinitesimal town of Haviland, KS. Population is 700 whopping peeps. Entering into the town my heart sank. I just can’t imagine living there. I don’t know how he survived. But it was a glimpse into a part of his life that I was not apart of. So it was good.

Finally we arrived in Wichita at 11 p.m. The hard part was finding out hotel. The clerks, who speak little to no English has no idea how to get us from the road to their business. We gave up and just found another hotel. Talk about frustrating.

Nothing about today went as we expected. It was the height of frustration and irritation. As I sat on these yesteryear roads, waiting over 100 miles to find an open gas station to pee and fill up the tank I began to wonder what in the hell I was doing. I just wanted to go home, home to CA. I want to go back to our condo, with my roommates and just watch a movie. I longed for the familar. My chest began to tighten and it was a little harder to breathe. A sense of panic tried to settle into my bones. What in the world am I doing? I have no idea, I just know that I have to do this to grow in a way that I couldn’t in CA.

There were a lot of forced breaths, panicked text messages to friends and some tears. I have no idea what’s going to happen.

There is some metaphor for my life right now on those back roads and everything that we experienced today but I’m too tired to find it. All I pray is that God fill every minute with his peace, presence, clarity, wisdom and guidance. Help me Jesus.

Saying Goodbye - Muppet Style January 21, 2008

While I know intellectually I am leaving I don’t really feel I’ve fully wrapped my brain around the idea of it. I keep talking about it. I’m planning for it. But I’m in total task mode just trying to get everything done. There are a gamillion details. When do I have time to emote? No idea.

So, it was recommended to me that I start to remind myself that this is the last time I will go to the beach, see this person, do this whatever here in CA. It feels a little artificial that way, but I have been doing it sort of. I’ve gone on a tour of my favorite places and restaurants with some of my favorite people. Last week it was Versailles with Lisa, El Gaucho Grill on Friday with Debbie, Huntington Gardens on Saturday with Erika and Bucca de Beppo on Sunday with Janine, Lisa, Tina and Colleen. But it just feels like a normal week. I’m always that busy.

Maybe the leaving part doesn’t hit until I’m actually gone. Maybe it will hit me as I drive away. Maybe it won’t hit until I’m in Ohio, alone, bored, friendless and broke wondering if I made the right decision. Or maybe it will be when I return and realize I don’t live here anymore. No idea. So instead I turn to the muppets to help.

I came across this song they sang in Muppets Take Manhattan when the gang has to separate. It is cheesy, corny and perfect.

“Saying Goodbye”
written by Ralph Burns and Jeff Moss

(At a train station)
Piggy: Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye’s such a hard thing to say
Kermit: Touching our hands, wondering why
Both: It’s time for saying goodbye.

(On a country road with Scooter on bicycle)
Scooter: Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we’ve had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It’s time for saying goodbye.

(In the back of a truck with Camilla)
Gonzo:
Don’t want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes its better to go

(On a Greyhound bus)
Rowlf:
Somehow I know, we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when

(On the roadside, hitchhiking)
Floyd: You’re in my heart, so until then
Electric Mayhem: It’s time for saying goodbye.

(In a freight train car)
Fozzie:
Somehow I know, we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart so until then
Wanna smile
Wanna cry
Saying goodbye

All except Kermit & Fozzie:
La la la la, la la la la
It’s time for saying goodbye
La la la la, la la la la
La la la la-la la la.

First Small Group Goodbye January 11, 2008

Last night I said goodbye to one of my small groups.

We’re at a natural breaking point in our study and I’ve handed over the leadership reigns. It’s just odd. I’ve been dreading it. I can feel myself get overwhelmed with the details of what needs to be done and I find myself starting to shut down.

My prayer is to stay present and absorb all of the joy and pain out of these moments as I start to let go of what has been my life for a long time.

I was right in that it was really, really hard but it was also amazing. They loved on me, prayed for me and said the most beautiful things. They were so expressive, appreciative, kind, generous and I was blown away.

God blessed me with some amazing friends. I will miss their insight, grace, correction, friendship, and jokes.

Our group was formed randomly at a connection event and God is so good. He brought together the perfect group of women. We don’t always agree but we do learn so much from each other. Each woman contributes something so unique and amazing to our experience and journey together.

It still sucked to say goodbye, I still have two more small groups to leave. I did cry. I also laughed a lot. In the end, I just felt so incredibly loved. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt it this strong before. It shows how far I’ve come in my own healing and it feels good.

A few years ago I would have been too afraid to let them in. I would have never stepped up to be a leader and I would have been so robbed of these great people. It hasn’t been easy to open up, be vulnerable, share my faults, speak my mind or even show up every week. But the reward and fruit of this experience has been beyond my every expectation. The risk was worth it. Receiving this kind of love is definitely what God means when he says he wants us to have immeasurably more.

I really am moving January 9, 2008

I don’t know why that fact keeps smacking me in the face this week.

It’s something I’ve known since last October. I’ve been thinking about it, planning for it. But now its really hitting me.

I’ve started packing. So far I have five boxes, of about 100 done.

We’ve turned in our 30-day notice at our condo.

I’ve started to schedule good-bye lunches and dinners with friends past and present. I want to make sure I get time with those people that are important to me.

I have my final to-do list at work. I’ve realized I only have two more paychecks.

While I’m excited about the future it’s still hard to let go. I want to take everyone with me, but I can’t. Inspite of all my restlessness I’ve been the most settled the past two years. I have great friends, who really know me, challenge me and help me be a better person. I’m happy with who I am at this point in my life. I know I have a lot of growth yet to happen, but I’m content. I don’t know when that snuck up on me. It’s a good feeling.

Nostalgia in North Orange County December 16, 2007

As I begin to prep my house and mind for leaving california there are strange memories of people and places that are flooding back.

Today we went to Disneyland to see the Christmas parade and on the way home we decided to stop in Fullerton to have dinner at Lomeli’s. As we drove North on the 57 I felt such a wave of nostalgia wash over me. Going back to that area felt like going home. I spent over 10 years there. I know the streets. I know where all the stores are. I have my favorite restaurants. I can look around and see how its changed since I was in college. It makes me feel old to see areas that were once rolling hills now housing developments.

There are so many memories in the corners of my mind - misty, water-colored memories …. ok so there is a lot of cheese happening at the moment, but I can’t help it. I’m saying goodbye to home.

When I left my parents home at 18 I counted down the days. I couldn’t wait to leave Mexico City. I hated it there, it was never home. Then I got here, got settled, have had some amazing friends and have some great memories. I know its all getting warm and fuzzy right now, versus the cold-hard reality that parts of it sucked, that it took me years to feel at home here, etc. But still. It’s a process. I’m grieving.