Lessons Learned from Tori Spelling

Preamble – First of all I have to say that I am addicted to Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood. I have watched since season one and will watch til the last episode. I think she’s fascinating. Maybe its the poor little rich girl thing, but Tori’s so real about who she is. She isn’t ashamed of her flaws. She embraces who she is. I love it.

Now onto the real blog post.

Last week was the season finale of Tori& Dean Home Sweet Hollywood, with Stella’s one-year birthday party. The big question was, will Candy show up? You knew she wasn’t. She said it was because of the cameras and she didn’t want to be on the tv show. I think that’s crap. If you want to be in your daughter’s life, for real, you do whatever it takes. There are no strings. There are no conditions. There is no question. You show up. You’re there, regardless.

So, when she didn’t show up Tori was devastated, again. She was crying. Dean was frustrated. But in the end, during one of the last interviews of the season Tori finally got it. She finally had a way to deal with her mother and it started with her. She realized that she had to stop being a victim. She was in a position to be hurt because she put herself there. She had unrealistic expectations. It was time to own it and deal with it privately. No one could stop the cycle but her. She had to stand up for herself and her family.

OOoohhhh! That’s it. A light went off for me. This so related to my life. I have to stand up and take responsibility for my life. I can’t keep waiting here in Ohio for my family to be a family. I”m here because I made the choice to come. I have to step up and take my life back. They are who they are. They are going to keep trucking down their road and I need to get on mine.  Now to figure out how and what and where.

Another benefit is that by owning my actions and emotions it helps avoid anger, bitterness and resentment. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurt, but it makes me step back and analyze where I put myself in an unhealthy situation. I have to draw better boundaries. I have to be true to me. I have to stand up for me. UGH! All of that is much harder than I thought. I still want them to love me so I hesitate everytime I need to say something. Baby steps. See because love is conditional you don’t have the freedom to say no, it comes with great consequences. So, learning to stand up for yourself and say, in the immortal words of Baby in Dirty Dancing, “this is my dance space and that is your dance space.”

Now, for some this is a no brainer. But when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where love is conditional and often manipulative it’s not so cut and dried. You have to learn on your own, with therapy and through the friends that become like family, how to be a functional, healthy adult. These things do not come naturally. We have to be told not to give until you’re depleted. We have to learn that co-dependence does not mean they love you. It takes time to figure out that even though we change and work through our junk, they may continue in the same crap that you drug yourself out of, it’s called denial.

So thank you Tori Spelling for sharing your ephiphany with us and allowing me one of my own. See God will use any means necessary to speak into our lives, even through Tori Spelling.

Filed under: Pop Culture, Psychobabbling , anger, bitterness, boundaries, daughter, family, mother, Oxygen, parents, Tori Spelling, victim mentality

Realizations in California

I had a fantastic time in California. It was awesome to be in the sun, with friends, eating delicious food and just no pressure. There was no where I had to be, nothing I had to do and no responsibility whatsoever, who wouldn’t love that? I was living life as I used to know it. LOL. Which sounds a bit odd, but it’s true.

Living near family requires a different mindset. There are certain responsibilities you have simply because you’re a part of the family. After living away for 15 years it’s been an adjustment to get used to being an aunt, a sister, a niece and a daughter again.

I struggle drawing healthy boundaries in the family scenario. We all slip back into the roles established when were seven. It’s like being a Disney star, you are locked into your contract for life. This process is hard.

When I left for CA I was so overwhelmed, feeling like I was responsible for fixing what was wrong in my family. I am the peacemaker. I make sure everyone is ok. It is the role I have played my entire life, one that I felt was required of me. That is a heavy burden to bear. Is exhausting, stressful and enfuriating. When I left I felt smothered, lost and I couldn’t think. As I flew west I could literally feel the weight fall off me. I had to reconnect with who I am and what I want.

In CA, through the help of friends I realized it’s not my job to fix my family. Ta dah. It’s that simple. I have to let myself off the hook. I don’t have to carry the burden of the family, to make sure we’re all ok. That ephiphany set me free. When I realized this I could let go. I can let go of them. I can let go of the problems. I am only responsible for me. Phew. I’m enough trouble all on my own. LOL. I need a new definition of who I am with them.

Now, I have to move forward in my life. I’m trying to decide if I want to move back to California or can I find my own life in Ohio? I’ve also decided I’m going to finish my licensure to become a therapist. I’m only a year away and it feels like something undone in my life. Whether I pursue my PhD after that who knows.

That’s all I’ve come up with so far. LOL

Filed under: Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Psychobabbling , boundaries, roles

Trying to Settle Down

Here I am in my first full day in CA and I’m like a mexican jumping bean. I can’t sit still. I can’t formulate a complete thought. I feel like I have ADD. I wonder if its because I sat for 9 hours yesterday flying here, is it because I am finally in the sun and the vitamin D is amping me up or is it because I know I came here to think, process and make some life decisions? All plausible things I suppose.

But I’m kind of panicking. I’m worried I won’t get to see everyone I want to see. I’m worried that the time will go by too fast. I’m scared about going back to Ohio. I’m afraid I’ll miss something. UGH. Drama. I need to just relax.

Hopefully tonight we’ll go down to the ocean and grab some dinner. I need the waves to drown out my own thoughts.

Filed under: Psychobabbling

Concisely stated issues

This is the post I was thinking of before I got sick.

On Sunday we were at work and some wonderful people came in to help us process a big order. We didn’t even really know these people but they believe in what my dad is trying to do with his business (fund ministries) so they were there. Since they were virtual strangers there was a typical get-to-know you portion of the conversation. We got a brief history of their background and they wanted one for us as well.

So we gave them the usual spiel – my dad was a mechanical engineer in the auto industry, they gave their lives to Christ, felt the call to ministry and bam moved to Mexico for 17 years. They asked how that was and the usual answer is, “Good” or “We were blessed to be there” or “It was a life-changing experience.” You know, a vague answer that kind of question requires, since we’ve only known these people for about 45 minutes.

My mom’s answer is instead, “it depends on who you ask in our family. Marti had a really hard time with it.”

I have no idea why she replied in such a fashion. Now the problem is, that kind of answer begs a follow-up question. Even the most polite conversationalist is required to ask why.

In an ideal world, the appropriate answer for me would have been, “it was challenging because I went at 12″ or “it was a tough adjustment to a new culture” or “I was a typical tough teenager.” Something vague, deflective and benign.

Instead I said, “I felt abandoned, neglected and left to finish raising myself and my brother because my parents were more concerned with ministry than they were with their family.”

As soon as those words were out of my mouth I was shocked. What the heck? Why in the world would I say that? I have no idea. I’m not usually that open, but I just put it out there, puking on these poor unsuspecting people. Crazy.

Yet, the thing that surprised me most, besides the brutal honesty, was the sheer lack of emotion with which I said it. I could have followed that sentence up with, “but I’m really glad I got a chance to visit Acapulco while I was there,” or “and then we went to the store.”

I’ve wondered since then if perhaps I’m further beyond my issues than I thought. In the past I tried to hide them, bury them, and ignore them. Now I just state them like facts. There was no shame, humiliation or fear. It was just a simple statement of how I felt. I didn’t feel any judgement on my parents, I wasn’t even thinking about them. I didn’t say it to be mean. I didn’t want revenge. I didn’t feel anger, sadness, disappointment, bitterness or resentment.

Interesting. I’m choosing to take it as a sign of growth or maybe that I need to really investigate an implant of the filter from your brain to your mouth cause clearly mine doesn’t work.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Psychobabbling , emotional healing, issues, Mexico

Fighting a Funk

I woke up this morning sick and tired.

I felt like I had just gotten to sleep when I was awoken by a phone call from someone giving me a to-do list. UGH! I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I wasn’t in the mood. In fact it made me grouchy and irritated.

I laid there for another 30 minutes and decided I probably should get up and get ready. Once I finally mustered up enough energy to actually throw back the covers and force myself to put my feet on the floor I fully gave into the fact that I felt awful. I wasn’t quite sure if it was physical or mental.

So I sat on the edge of the bed for another 30 minutes, taking a full assessment of just how terrible I felt when my dad called. It was the first time beyond grunts that I had spoken for the day. I realized that my throat hurt and I didn’t really have much of a voice. I was glad I could blame something physical for my funk. Luckily my dad didn’t have much for me to do today so I decided to stay home. I immediately felt guilty for doing so, but resisted it and collapsed on the recliner to watch tv. I don’t think I moved from that position for about four hours.

I had no energy and no desire to move. I was exhausted for sure. My throat hurt, it did. But I’ve pushed through worse pain before. If I’m really honest I know its more of a mental exhaustion. I can feel myself sliding in a funk. I don’t want to be in one. I’m trying to think good thoughts, pray and praise. I keep trying to banish the thoughts and feelings of doom. Yet I can feel it down in my toes.

Maybe its just a seasonal thing. We are officially starting the slide from fall to winter. The temperatures are dropping. The sun isn’t showing up much. I even had to break out the sweaters, coats, and closed-toed shoes.

Yet I know that the questions I’m asking right now about God, my life, future, friends and family is weightier than weather. They are the essence of why I needed to come back to Ohio. I’m beyond the pleasantries and niceties with my family, myself and God. I’m face-to-face with emotions, memories and issues I haven’t really touched before. Maybe I needed the time to burrow down a bit and just take a look inside pandora’s box instead of trying to pretend its not there.

UGH! Even thinking about it this much makes me tired. I know I need to resolve these things once and for all. But how do you psyche yourself up to face what your entire life has been hell. God in all of his faithfulness isn’t letting me hide. He isn’t letting me bury it anymore. He is prodding, pushing, poking and digging up the roots. I’m terrified. I know on the other side there is freedom, peace, joy and abundance like I’ve never known but will it be worth it? It’s always easier to stick with the evil you know.

See weighty issues. Heavy. Sleepy. So Sleepy. I’m trying to journal more these days but so far not so much. UGH. I’m going back to the couch.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation , depression, issues, tired

Business Status

Well another week of crazy busy has flown by.

This week was all about making limited capital stretch. We continue to wait for the financing to be complete. It is stressful, stretching, challenging and still insane.

My dad continues to be optomistic, while I am trying to be cautious. But its worth it when we land new accounts and when existing customers talk about how great the product is and how happy they are with our service.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m more afraid of failure or success. What if this actually works? What if we succeed? Yikes. Scary.

The other big question for me is how long do I, can I wait for the financing. My freelancing has dried up for the time being and I either need to put in the time to find new clients or find a job. This has been my dilemma for the past couple of months. I have a date in my head by everything I try and plan never happens so I’m standing by. I’ve half-heartedly been looking for jobs and have even applied to some, but nothing has come of it.

It boils down to I know I needed to be here. I don’t regret coming at all. It’s been difficult, but also eye opening, healing and good. Beyond that I have no idea, maybe I’m not supposed to. No idea.

Filed under: Psychobabbling, Working , employment, failure, job hunt, new business, success

Updating my Wineskins

Last week in church we talked about the importance of becoming new wineskins. Then I heard a conference session from Marcos Witt on how to prevent staleness in our lives as we create situations and circumstances (wineskins) to grow and change.

Now I’ve heard the wineskin parable a million times but never really applied it to my life in this way. So, honestly what does that mean? What is a wineskin? I’ve been wine tasting enough to see wine in barrells but never in a skin of anysort. So the idea of not putting new wine in an old wineskin doesn’t really resonate with me.

As I grapple with this I’d i’ve realize that the idea of a wineskin is about constructs, skemas, ideas, traditions, religion, perhaps even a location, church, friends, or other relationship. We get new wine as we begin to change. It is a fresh understanding, healing, wholeness that comes as we grow and learn. This new information doesn’t fit into the existing structures we’ve created in our minds and hearts.

For me living in California was a wineskin. It was familiar, safe, comfortable and to some extent easy. There was a routine and rhythm to my life that was good, it worked. Yet I could float through life a bit. I wasn’t really challenged. I was only pushed when I allowed it. I was well-defined there. I had a job, a role to play, friends, and history.

Now here I have no context for anything, including me. Everything here is so different – how they talk, the foods they eat, even how they drive. Aaahh, so our wineskins are part of our identity, they define our worlds. It’s the structure on which we hang other information.

Yet in our comfort we can become legalistic, ritualistic and too tied to tradition. I had a very well defined way that I lived and related to others. I met everyone with a filter sarcasm and cynicism including God. To stay fresh in our lives we need to let ourselves be stretched, pulled out of our comfort zones to force us to engage in a new way, with a new perspective. Ooh I’d say that is where I am living these days.

To become new wineskins is to stay close to the heart of God, Witt says, because He changes his methods to capture our hearts. While his nature is unchanging Christ shed his divinity to be human so we could be restored (Phil 2). So how he relates to us changes on how he needs to get our attention. Being in a rut and tied to our existing way of doing things will render us ineffective in reaching out to others in service, in being flexible to learn and I would think in applying grace to ourselves and others.

In the end, the freshness of our wineskins is tied to our sense of wonder. Are we able to worship God with wonder and innocence of a child. Are we intrigued by the small things or are we bitter and cynical? I can confess am cynical. I grew stale. I doubted everything and could see the negative in everything. I constantly waited for the other shoe. Some of this was for survival. Some of this is from experience. Some of this is out of fear. I have to learn to trust God enough to let the wonder back into my life. I have to learn how to let go and let things be unplanned and out of my control. That is the biggest fallacy. We are never in control of anything and its our desperate grasp to try and control it that ends up in frustration and resentment because its impossible.

So life is really all about how we deal with change. Do we become stale in our existance, floating through life letting it go by as we stay safe in our same ole, same ole? Or do we let ourselves become agents of change as we become more authentic, transparents and pliable for whatever it is that God wants to do through us.

That is where I am? I still have parts of my heart that need to be broken. I still need to be molded, changed. There are still parts of me that are unconverted. I am saved, which happens in an instant but conversion take a life time. I struggle with unbelief sometimes. There are aspects of becoming Christlike that I rebel against and just don’t like. I was talking with a friend a while back and we were talking about discipleship and how hard it was to let go of some of our “flesh.” Discipleship is painful.

Anyway, I digress. I am just thinking outloud here. I am still struggling with life here. I know for a fact that I needed to move. But I thought that once I did some magical, mystical path would open before and I would suggently realize what I wanted to be when I grew up. Instead I’m in Ohio, still lost, completely outside of my comfort zone and freaked out.

I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found this yellow, brick road? It doesn’t stick with me that all God cares about is the relationship. He just wants me to be close. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to trust him. I have trouble reckoning in my brain that freaked out and still lost is exactly where he wants me right now. That’s when I lean into him.

This seems to be a lesson I’m not getting because everytime I take a step I wait for the a-ha moment where it all makes sense. Maybe my a-ha moment won’t come for a while or ever. Not sure. But the goal has to be the same – an intimate relationship with God. I don’t do vulnerable very well. I have touble letting people in, even an omniscient, all-powerful God. I guess that’s the wineskin that needs most updating.

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation , change, parable, wineskin

Juno and My Parents

Last night I watched Juno with my parents. I didn’t quite think through to the fact that the story paralleled their own lives. It didn’t hit me until we were about five minutes in and Juno is calling to “procure a hasty abortion” on her hamburger phone. Yikes.

My parents got pregnant when my mom was a senior in high school. Only in typical Catholic form they decided to keep the baby [me] and get married.

Watching this movie with them made me look at my parent differently. It was new for me to think of my mother as a scared 17 year-old in high school and pregnant. Or of my father as a lost boy not sure what his role was supposed to be. As my parents, I always expected them to know what they were doing. They were supposed to be the adults and in charge. Seeing how young Juno was made me realize that what I needed from my parents as a child was impossible for them to be.

I know they’re glad to have me, blah, blah, blah. I’m not pondering that at all. I’m looking at the situation almost in 3rd person, in part because of the movie, and as an adult. I wish they had time to finish growing up before they became parents.

My mom cried at the end of the movie. I wonder what she was crying about or who she was crying for. Maybe it was her own youth, childhood, and choices? I know she wonders what would have happened if she didn’t get pregnant. What if they had opted for abortion or adoption. Maybe their lives would be totally different, married to other people, happier, more content, more fulfilled because they finished growing up before they jumped into “situations way beyond their maturity level.”

I look at their lives and realize they are living out the consequences for decisions that a 17 and 19 year old made. How tragic that the course of your life is dictated by a horny teenager.

This isn’t to say, “oh poor me” or “oh how tragic.” God makes all things new and uses what could have destroyed us to be our greatest strength and for his glory.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Pop Culture, Psychobabbling , abortion, Juno, maturity, teenage pregnancy

Being vs Doing

The other night I had a great conversation with a friend from California. I miss my friends so much. While I love being with my family they weren’t really part of the last 15 years of my life. The majority of my history is with friends. So I miss that part of me. I miss hanging out. I miss experiencing life with them.

Anyway, Debbie and I had an amazing conversation catching up on life and I got a chance to think out loud about my life here in Ohio. I find myself growing restless (shocker I know). I want to know what’s next. Where am I going? What will I do? What job will I have? Where will I live? As I processed this outloud I realized another reason why I’m here. I have to learn how to be still.

I am Martha.

It is more than my name it is a state of mind. I so identify with Martha in the bible. She was organized, efficient, and worried about taking care of people. She nearly missed out on being with Jesus because she was concerned with the household chores. Jesus actually rebuked her attitude.

I am like that. I am master of details, a schedule and planning. I lived my life constantly on the go. I had every night booked. I hated to be quiet. I never sat still. I wasn’t comfortable doing nothing. It made me antsy and anxious. It felt like I was wasting time. There had to be a purpose to everything. I lived a life completely overstimulated.

Cut to, moving to Ohio. There really is nothing to do here. I kid you not. For four to five months out of the year you’re stuck inside, and that’s just winter. This year we had record snow falls, up to 20 inches one weekend. Forget about summer where its so flippin hot that just walking outside requires another shower. Not to mention the nuclear sized bugs that have the power to eat you alive.

At first it was nice to relax, settle down, and enjoy the quiet life. That wore off, after about 6 weeks. I have started to go a little stir crazy. itching to get out, do something, go somewhere. A big day for me now is going to Wal-Mart, playing Guitar Hero with my nephews, and baking some cookies. I don’t even recognize myself. I often fight against slipping into a sort of depression. I have no energy. I sleep all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my life. Who I am I now?

I am finding I have to force myself to think of the benefits. It’s nice to have no schedule sometimes. I am free to go and do anything during the day. I am free to wander off and explore unknown areas – where, no idea, but I could if Ohio quickily sprouted something to look at.

I need to be grateful for this time to unwind, figure out what I want and just be. I am not what I do. I am not where I go. I need to be still. This applies to my relationship with God as well. I’m finding that the more quiet I can become the more I can hear him. Shocker. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

I have to create space for him in my life, beyond church, beyond rushing through devotions, and beyond reading spiritual books. I’m learning to discover how to just sit with him. It’s so hard. I tried to sit in silence a few weeks ago and I think I got maybe 10 good minutes in. The rest of the time my mind wandered to a million topics ranging from weather to world peace. I gave up.

But I can say I am beginning to settle down. As my brain unwinds it’s amazing how much easier it is to concentrate on anything, not just God. I am learning simple pleasures. I feel like I’m in a detox program of somesort. Now that I’m off the overstimulation of life in CA I can really smell the roses. I’m enjoying my gardening and baking. LOL. It feels so pendantic but its been great.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Psychobabbling, Spiritual Formation , being myself, presence of God, stillness

No guarantee

Today a new friend lost his mom. She was only in her early 60s, good health, no apparent illness or problems. She was driving home had a heart attack in the car and died.

I didn’t know her personally, but I honestly am flabbergasted. It was so sudden and unexpected. I mean she just died today and her family will have her funeral services on Saturday. Where is the time to process in that? I mean I could barely begin to wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone and already the funeral is over. I guess that’s why you just go numb and switch to auto-pilot at times like that. There is no time to think about anything.

We know she didnt have time to think or plan for this. She and her husband just adopted two Brazilian children a few years ago. They are only 7 and 11 (I think). She was just driving home, probably thinking about other errands or what they’d have for dinner. She didn’t realize it would be her last day.

Makes you realize how right Proverbs are – we should never let the sun go down on our anger. We never know when our last breath will be. It made me do a quick inventory of my life, wondering who I need to talk to? I definitely made sure to tell my mom how much I love her.

Filed under: Living in Ohio, Mi Familia, Psychobabbling , death, eternity, grieving, proverbs