Processing Life

These past few weeks have been difficult.

I’m interviewing for two different jobs. My dad is moving to a new house, so I’ve been helping him pack. I’ve also been traveling 4 hours back and forth from OH to IN to be with my aunt during chemo. Not to mention watching my nephews thrown in along with prepping for a big craft fair this Saturday both by making chocolate for my dad and jewelry for my mom. Oh and my dad had knee surgery today, so I sat at the hospital all day.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained. Physically tired. Soul weary.

The weather is turning cold. The skies are grey. The trees are naked and I feel like it all matches my mood right now. I’m on edge. Little things are bugging the crap out of me.

I’m not hopeless. I’m not freaking out about anything. Life is just stressful right now. I also realize that some of this is part of the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. As the oldest child I am now called on to stand in the gap, a lot. There are needs to be met. There are things that need to be done.

I’m also realizing how much of a team married couples are. When one of those people is removed from the equation there is a giant hole. With the move my mom would have packed, organized and transferred all services. My dad is responsible for finding the heavy lifters and getting it all moved. My dad didn’t stop to think about the things my mom usually does. This is just one example of many. As I step in to help I am hit with a wall of sadness and grief. There is a pain in realizing they are no longer a unit.

I could say no. I could walk away. I could draw harsh boundaries but I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to be involved. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and still take care of me yet.

I realize I need more me time. I know I need to find space to rest emotionally and spiritually. It’s just hard right now. I’m shuttling back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s house. I’m hoping that if I get the job I want it will buy me some space.

I especially feel responsible because my brother has removed himself completely. That is how he is choosing to cope. To me that is unacceptable. I can’t do that. Perhaps that is because I’m the firstborn and we naturally assume these roles. We naturally feel obligated. We are used to taking the reigns.

So it’s a whole bag of emotions. I need to get them out. I need to release them. Crying is part of it, but I also need to be creative. I think that’s why I’m so irritated right now. I haven’t had the time I want to focus on this show. I have had zero time to take photos. I haven’t been to a museum in a while. There have been no festivals to enjoy. I am also on people overload. As an introvert I need time alone. I have no space to be by myself. I have no space to call my own. I miss all my stuff that has been in boxes for almost two years.

So there’s a lot going on. It’s not life or death and I feel like I should insert some positive thing right here, but I can’t. It would be insincere. It’s not that I don’t feel positive. I can see lots of evidence of God moving in our lives. I feel settled into my skin more now than I ever have before.

It’s just hard right now. I’m jonesing for a trip to CA. I need to be with my peeps. I’m hoping it will work out that I can go for my 35th birthday. We’ll see.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , boundaries, creativity, divorce, drama, exhaustion, grief, introvert, job interviews, moving, personal space, quiet time, weary

More random nephew stories

My nephews are a never-ending supply of joy, hilarity and levity. Spending time with them always makes me feel better. They have a way of drawing you into the moment. Can’t worry about the future or the past when they’re in the middle of something mischievous and potentially dangerous right this second.

For posterity here are a few recent nephew moments:

1. Tonight Jordy was playing on the computer while I watched TV. I turned to him to ask what he was doing. His said without skipping a beat: shopping for happiness.

2. We were driving down the road and out of the blue Jordy says, “You know you’re not the only aunt we have.” OK. How do you respond to that. He’s a child. He doesn’t know he’s driving daggers into my heart. My first insecure response is, “But I’m your only real aunt since your mom doesn’t have any sisters.” Then Mikey pipes up, “And you’re the only one we connect with emotionally and spiritually.” Score one for Mikey, he does love me. LOL.

3. I will be watching the boys tomorrow morning because they have the day off from school. Jordy loves to cook so I told him we would make some chocolate chip cookies. He said, “That’s too simple we need to show off how well we can cook.” After all, last time we made muffins and he said it was an advanced cooking class with his aunt. Although his suggestion was a soufflé. I have no idea where he heard that. He has no idea what a soufflé is.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Quoting , children, funny moments, joy, nephews

The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Un-anniversary

Today would have been my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary.

I suppose it still is, but they’re on the verge of a divorce. It’s odd when your parents separate when you’re an adult. I mean you have your own life. My brother even has his own family.

Although, in some ways you do feel like you’re a kid again. Your parents’ marriage is a part of the foundation of your life. How they feel about each other means something to your own wellbeing for better or worse. How they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why everyone needs therapy.

This has been going on since February, so we’ve been living it for a while. I do feel divided. I have to learn new boundaries. I have to divide my time. Holidays are strange. I am bouncing back in forth between their two houses because I want them both to be okay. I know it isn’t my job or responsibility to do that but I’m a caretaker. But I’ve learned that I can’t be their confidant. I can’t listen to the negative about either of them. I didn’t get to choose my parents I just have to learn how to love them. They got to choose each other and can’t seem to figure out how to do it either.

So it’s a sad day as a child, an adult and a bystander. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. I knew there were problems but I really thought they’d work them out. We were used to the dysfunction. We were accustomed to how things were. I never thought they’d give up. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused.

I wonder where we’ll go from here as a family. My mom now lives 30 minutes away. My brother isolates himself. I feel like I’m in the middle. My dad is just silent. Maybe we’re finally showing on the outside how we’ve been living for the last 20 years. Reality is hard to face.

I have to believe there is redemption of somesort. I want to believe that our family will in some way be better or all of this. I suppose that is up to us as individuals. At the end of the day its their marriage. It is their lives. We all have to move forward. We all have to mourn in our own way. I just hope at the end of the day we find a new way to overlap our lives and don’t all slide in different directions.

Filed under: Mi Familia , adult children, anniversary, divorce, family, family dynamics, marriage

Funny Nephew Moments

My nephews are a hoot. I know they drive me crazy, a lot, but generally I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I realized that this summer they have done and said some doozies so for posterity I am recording them here, mostly for me, but you might enjoy them too.

1. My dad took Mikey and Jordy fishing a couple of weeks ago. After getting the line tangled five or six times they finally decided to take a break. Mikey laid out on the grass and raised his shirt and said he wanted to get a tan on his stomach. Jordy flopped on the grass, raised his shirt and announced, “I want to get a nipple tan.”

2. One day Jordy walked into the factory and declared, ” I am here to bring joy to the factory.” LOL and he does.

3. Mikey is a child that has to know three or four steps ahead of where we are. He likes the agenda for the day in the morning. On a trip he wants to know where we’ll stop and what we’ll do when we get there. Once there he needs to know the procedures and directions. When you’re done he wants to know what’s next. One day coming out of Sam’s Club he was asking what was next. Not satisfied with the answer we gave he kept asking. Finally out of exasperation Jordy shouted, “Up your anus and to the left.” I guess that was specific enough for Mikey because he got quiet.

4. Last week I picked up the boy from VBS, which they declared to be the same as last year, just with a new theme. To entertain himself Mikey taped a note to himself that read, “I give girls free hugs, so go ahead and ask for one.” He said all he got were pity hugs.

5. At the end of Spring we had an international art exhibit of Kimono’s come to Canton. We were one of two stops they made in the U.S. Jordy was really excited to see them and kept asking me to take him. I was kind of surprised by that but one day gave in. The kimono’s were beautiful. Each one took a year to make. But Jordy buzzed through the exhibit in like 10 minutes. After circling the main room a few times he came back to where I was and asked, “Where are the animals?” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he went on, “Yea I want to see the kimodo’s, that is what they said would be here.” LOL. We never did find the dragons.

6.  A few weeks ago to distract Mikey and Jordy from fighting I decided to make cupcakes. Jordy, who loves to help, volunteered to be in the kitchen with me. I asked him to read all the ingredients so I could pull them from the cupboard. Then he was actively involved in stirring and prepping all items for the cupcakes and frosting. Half way through he said, “This is a like an advanced cooking class with my aunt.” Awww…. I love that. Memories.

That’s all I can think of right now. I don’t want to forget one cute moment with them.

Filed under: Mi Familia , aunt, memories, nephews, sentimental

Watching my Aunt battle cancer

This weekend my mom and I drove to Fort Wayne to visit my aunt, who was recently in the hospital.

She was diagnosed in February with breast cancer, during her baseline mammogram. Since it is an agressive ductal cancer they have since performed a bi-lateral mastectomy. During the surgery they discovered that the cancer has also spread to her sentinal nodes. We are still waiting for the results that reveal if it has spread beyond her lymphnodes.

It’s hard to wrap your brain around what is happening to her. She’s young, early 40s. She has three kids – 19, 16 and 11. She herself is a nurse. This isn’t supposed to happen. Now she is fighting for her life.

She’s used to fighting for other people. Her oldest child was diagnosed with diabetes at 3. She became a nurse and diabetic educator because of him. Now she helps other families cope with this life-changing dianosis.

Now she is completely out of control and powerless over what is happening in her own body. Seeing her scars today was hard. It is reality that this disease is taking over her life and the life of her family. Her kids are scared. Her husband is stressed and devastated.

But she soldiers on. Her attitude is fantastic. She is positive, upbeat and ready to fight. She is bound and determined to kick cancer’s ass. It’s amazing to see. She refuses to lay down and take it.

She knows a large part of this battle is in her mind. She kept telling me today that she feels peaceful and is picturing God holding her in the palm of his hand. What a beautiful picture! She knows the source of her comfort, strength and healing.

As her niece, I feel helpless. What can I do? You feel like you need to do something. Once she knows when she’s going to do chemo I might come and stay with her a few days a week. I’ve promised to help her find beautiful scarves. I will laugh with her, cry with her, comfort her and care for her. That is what family is all about.

The great thing is we’re all fighting for the chance to do that for her. We just want her to be well. My heart is just heavy. Watching her kids rally around her today just broke my heart. They just wanted to be near her. You could also see them will her to be fine. I can’t imagine the fear they carry.

But the battle is on! I want to find a good daily devotional for her, to keep her thinking good thoughts.

Filed under: Health, Mi Familia , aunt, breast cancer, chemotherapy, lymphnodes, mastectomy, niece

Day 3 – Solo Weekend with the Nephews

After our grand outings yesterday for Mikey’s birthday, today we decided to lay low. Well as low as you can with an 8-year-old and an 11-year old.

After lunch, I couldn’t hold back the troops so we went to the park with my dad to run around. We played five games of HORSE on the basketball court, or random variations there of including – cat, dog, rat and frog. I haven’t shot a basketball in forever, but it was fun. Jordy, who is not destined to be very tall, loves to play. He has to bend down to the ground and launch it with his whole body.  Mikey was frustrated because he was losing, so he kept trying to steal shots and pouted a bit everytime he lost.

But the highlight of the afternoon was the ice cream truck. We ran with childish abandon towards the music to get our favorite treat. I was actually the first one in line, how great is that. After our treats we headed home.

It is amazing how much planning it requires when you have kids. As soon as you’re done with breakfast you have to start thinking about dinner. I am now in favor of all things microwaveable. Luckily the kids will eat most anything.

The other hard part is coming up with things for them to do. Even though they have every gaming system known to man, tons of cable channels, games, the internet, and bikes they are always bored. They instead resorting to contest farting, wrestling and generally beating each other.

But in spite of all of this I’m a little sad its almost over. I’m surprised at how tired I am. There is no way to keep up with them. Too much to do, too little time.

Alright, it’s time for bed.

Filed under: Mi Familia

Day 2 – Solo Weekend with the Nephews

Today was Mikey’s 11th birthday. It’s a lot of pressure to make a child’s birthday spectacular in absence of his parents. Mikey is an aloof, moody pre-teen.  He doesn’t get excited about a whole lot and usually complains about everything. LOL. Gotta love the awkward age. But its a true joy when you can pierce through his burgeoning coolness and get ahold of the 1/3 of him still a child and bring out the glee. That was my quest.

During a hearty breakfast of waffles and milk we forged a plan for the day. We finally decided on the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame and a big fancy mall in Cleveland. Mikey is a music fiend and was anxious to see what’s there. Unfortunately road construction slowed our roll and it took us nearly two hours to make the 45 mile trek north. It was funny, but the roadblock proved to be an adventure. Mikey and Jordy wanted to me to pretend that we were in Midnight Run and mow through traffic on the shoulder. We didn’t but we did venture to parts unknown to find our ways past the mess. They were satisfied with the mini-adventure and it also afforded the opportunity to car dance. Never enough opportunity to do that. We laughed and had a great time.

However, the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame was not as much fun for us at the traffic on the way up. The boys were bored in like five minutes and keep asking where the interactive exhibits were. I think they had more fun on the escalators and the giant guitars in the lobby than they did the museum. So we left after about an hour. I don’t not recommend the Rock-N-Roll hall of Fame for children. They didn’t even know who any of the artists were and nothing of interest for them.

To redeem the day we went to the Zoo, when in doubt go to the animals. They loved it. We saw rhinos, bats, snakes, leopards, lions, oh my. There was lots to play on, run by and sit near.  They even rode a camel. I actually saw the illusive Mikey smile several times. We had a blast and again we were exhausted. They slept all the way home and it was all I could do to stay awake.

We had his birthday dinner at Red Robin, where he got to eat off the adult menu, the kid’s menu is for those 10 and under. In spite of many protests we still have them come and sing. He loved it.

So it was a good birthday in deed. Its amazing how the unplanned moments are the best. I’m also amazed at how much work it is to take care of kids. They suck every ounce of energy out of your body. I can hardly think. I have a new found respect for mothers, working mothers and especially single mothers. I think I heard, “Aunt Marti” said about 9,000 times today. Getting them to bed bring a sigh of relief and a giant collapse on the couch. I am mentally, physically and emotionally tired. But having Mikey enjoy his day was worth it and priceless.

Filed under: Mi Familia , animals, birthday, children, nephews, Red Robin, Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame, zoo

Day 1 of the Solo Weekend with the nephews

Mike is finally graduating. After 15 years all of his studies are finally done. So he and Rocio flew to LA today for him to walk on Sunday. Being the dutiful sister, I am with the nephews for four days.

Yes four. I have never had sole control of children that long. I am more of a short stint kind of girl. Need a babysitter for an hour or two, I’m your girl. I’ve even had them during work hours but I was counting the minutes til their mom got home. I love them. I would do anything for them, but four days is a lot. I’m actually a bit nervous. Can I keep them alive that long, we’ll see.

Here is a rundown of our day, for posterity: we took Mike and Rocio to the airport at 5 a.m. The boys and I were sleepy for the rest of the day. Which probably saved us.

We had a lazy morning watching tv. Then we went to the pet store so they could see the puppies, kitties, birds, fish, gerbills, rats, etc. We had to leave after about 20 minutes because I was starting to sneeze, itch, and cough, due to all of the aforementioned animals.

Our afternoon activity was to see UP in 3-D. Jordy, Sandy and I loved it, Mikey did not. I didn’t see a whole lot of 3-D about it but the story was touching and cute. It’s about an old man who wants to fulfill his wife’s dream to get to South America after her death. He has a Wilderness Guide in the form of a 10-year-old boy whose father has remarried and fallen out of his life. For me, the morale of the story was in order to have new adventures you need to get rid of old baggage. Very poignant for me indeed. The animation was amazing.

Tonight we vegged some more, resting for Mikey’s birthday tomorrow, he turns 11.

Filed under: Mi Familia , movie, nephews, pet store, trip, UP

Mike and Marti Show

One of my sisterly duties upon return to Ohio is to help my brother, Mike, write his papers. He is in his 14th year of study for his B.A. If only he listened to me he’d have a PhD by now. But he didn’t, he chose a family and the mission field instead. Noble. Yes. Quick study? No.

He is getting his B.A. in counseling. So, it has also led to some very interesting discussions about the church, friendships, marriage, parenting, dysfunctional families and of course our issues. One day, over a discussion about the failure of the church to help people to learn how to be in relationship, resulting in divorce numbers in the church being the same as regular society I realized this was good stuff.

I decided it would be very fun to do a podcast. But just like deciding against staying in school to get married at 18, Mike didn’t listen to me. However, as his studies wind down he warmed up to the idea. I’m glad this didn’t take 14 years to come around, instead just a couple of months. I’m hoping our podcast turns out as well as his marriage.

This first podcast is an interview of each other. We just wanted to see how it worked, if we were annoying “on-air.” But the bottom line is we had a lot of fun. It is a chance to us to connect in a different way. It’s not about being siblings but learning to be friends. Learning to respect each other as adults. We realized that as brother and sister we play off each other well. We don’t let each other get away with anything.

So our goal is to talk about the taboo, the irrational, the Christian, the unChristian, funny, poignant and most of real topics that hit our everyday lives. This is our new therapy. I’m sure there will be lots of embarassing stories, crazy personal details and laughs. I can’t wait to see what happens.

Check out our podcast and its accompanying blog, with no extra batteries required.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , podcast, siblings