Contemplating California

This trip back to California has been great. It has been wonderful to re-connect with friends, spend time in the sun and relax a bit after weeks of hecticness back in Ohio. I’ve felt peaceful for the first time in weeks.

I’m sure its no surprise that I’ve wondered if I want to move back here. Do I really want to stay in Ohio? When I think about it I just feel sad. I love my family but I feel like I’m slowly dying there. I have even blurted out to both of my parents this week that I don’t want to go back. I know they weren’t shocked. I also know this leaves my dad in the lurch with the business. He depends on me for a lot but they both want me to do what makes me happy.

I remember the reasons I returned, to deal with some of the demons from my past, reconnect with family and figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I feel like I’ve accomplished some of those things.

But even as I contemplate the possibility of moving somewhere else, I don’t know what I’m moving towards. I still don’t have a definitive career path. I still don’t have a goal for my life. So would I be returning with many of the same questions I left with?

Now I’m confused, sad, and emotional. I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere. I don’t have a sense of home in any place. I’m always wishing I were somewhere else. When I’m with my wonderful friends I miss my family. When I’m with my family I desperately miss the life and friends I have here. It’s a no win situation. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia , California, family, moving, Ohio

Disney Pass Expires Today

The saddest day since my departure from California has arrived. I have it marked on my calendar and have been bracing for it for the past few weeks – the expiration of my Annual Pass to Disneyland. The dreaded day is upon me and I am forced to mourn it from afar.

I was hoping I could go back one more time to ride Peter Pan’s Flight, Space Mountain, the Caroussel, Soarin’ Over California, Tower of Terror and the new Toy Story ride, but alas it was not meant to be.

I love Disneyland. I get to feel like a kid again everytime I pass under the sign that encourages me to leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy. I celebrated one of my best birthday’s there with a scavenger hunt, I got snowed on during the Christmas Parade, I ate at the Blue Bayou, met Jack Sparrow, danced near the Mickey statue and got to see it through the eyes of my nephews.

While I know I can always go back it will be different. I have had a pass every other year since I was in college. I always qualified for the Southern California Resident rate. Sigh.

I think this day coupled with the fact that I’m missing Janine’s bridal shower this month and probably her wedding next month along with all of the other countless activities with friends makes me so sad and feel so far away. It’s just one more thing.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land , Annual Pass, bridal shower, Disneyland, Peter Pan, Space Mountain, Toy Story

My Fair Lady

Debbie and I got the last two seats available for the My Fair Lady performance today at 2 p.m. There were only a handful of seats left for the entire weekend, so we were thrilled. I love My Fair Lady. So we trekked up to the Ahmanson Theatre in LA with great anticipation.

Unfortunately, it was slightly disappointing. There was little to no chemistry between Henry Higgins (Christopher Cazenove) and Eliza (Dana DeLisa). We realized half way through that the main actress to play Eliza was Lisa O’Hare, but that the performances were split by date between the two actresses. DeLisa didn’t possess the charm, innocence or charisma needed to be Eliza. Perhaps it was her limited experience. Perhaps it was her inability to master the necessary cockney accent. Perhaps it was her lack of presence. But Eliza is the central character, so it just tainted everything else.

Debbie wondered if maybe we were just spoiled by Audrey Hepburn. But I don’t think so, when we saw Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway I didn’t miss Topol. It’s a question of ability to do the role. So if you’re going to get tickets to see My Fair Lady when it comes to your town, make sure you’re going to see O’Hare. I hear she’s amazing.

Overall the show was good. The scenery was phenomenal. The costumes were spectacular. The supporting cast is great. Marni Nixon, the voice of Audrey Hepburn in the movie, brought everyone to their feet when she walked on stage as Mrs. Higgins. Tim Jerome, Alfred P. Doolittle, is hilarious as the nare-do-well father. They even added a street performance with trash-can lids. The Ascot scene is expertly choreographed, a treat to watch.

I think we were also put-off because they continued to let people into the theatre up to 30 minutes after the show started. So we constantly had people climbing over us, talking, and flash-lights in the eyes for a while. It was terrible. We even talked to the house manager about it and she said that there was nothing they could do, the tour manager said they could let people in through the duration of the show.

Still a fun day in LA and in the theatre.

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land, Pop Culture , Ahmanson Theatre, musical, My Fair Lady

Back to the Motherland

I am back in California this week for work. I am so loving the weather and being with friends. As usual the week is a whirlwind of activity and people. I hardly know where to do or what to do first. I feel like a cartoon character whose feet are moving 8 million miles an hour.

When I came back last month it felt weird. I was acutely aware of the fact that I didn’t live here anymore. Everything felt odd, I didn’t know where I belonged or what I was supposed to do. This time it felt like coming home. I wanted to go back to our condo, with my roommates and to my stuff.

In someways I feel like I never left. I have amazing friends that keep up with me and stay connected to me so being here with them is just a continuation of a perpetual conversation. Only now instead of wracking up the minutes on the phone it’s in person, over a delicious meal, or while doing something we love, like riding Tower of Terror. In some ways, I feel more like me when I’m here. It’s more familiar. I know where I am. I know how to get most places. The routine is familiar. The people are known.

But I am also acutely aware that I am not supposed to be here right now. This is time for faith stretching, discovering new parts of me, making new friends (with my family), learning to trust in the unknown. I still don’t have answers to the questions God is asking of me and that I am asking him. In many ways its easier to live with that confusion and uncertainty in the unfamiliar, because then I have no way or desire to wrestle control away from him. I need him everyday for sanity. I depend on him everyday for direction. I have to seek him in ways I never had to here.

It’s still hard. I still really don’t like Ohio. I’m still often bored. But in Ohio God has my undivided attention, I have nothing else to do. I hope I learn quickly. I learn better through adversity. I’m just stubborn like that.

Filed under: About Me, Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio, Spiritual Formation , distraction, God, Ohio, trust

A return to sun and friends

I arrived in LA to blue skies and sun on Tuesday. It took me almost 14 hours to get here but it was worth it. Once I started to bask in the rays, drink in the smog and revel in the warmth all the pain of missing flights due to de-icing, being re-routed through Phoenix and getting a special security probe and fondling at the airport was forgotten.

I spent the rest of Tuesday with one of my favorite people, Erika. We decided to do a cupcake tour of LA. She researched all the top-rated cupcakeries in the area and we went to three of them. We didn’t get to hit all on the list because I arrived so late in the day but by number three I was sugared out. We were both craving protein so we went to my favorite restaurant, Versailles. I was so sick by the end of the day. But it was a good sick

Wednesday it was back to the grind at work. It was odd to be there. I forgot about all of the chaos, flurry of activity, the massive amounts of meeting and never-ending pressure and ridiculousness. By the end of the day I was exhausted. It was also a giant reminder that I don’t really work there any more. My life has started to move on. I am so disconnected from what they are doing. It was a strange feeling. I was kind of sad and kind of relieved.

But all was saved because Lisa, Tina and I went to Disneyland Wednesday night. It really is the happiest place on earth. Just being there made me smile. We got to ride Pirates, Indiana Jones and saw the fireworks show. It was all phenomenal.

Thursday night it was dinner with Debbie. Tonight Lisa and I are off to a dance show at the Orange County Performing Arts Center by Alvin Ailey. It should be fun.

Today my boss treated to a fabulous lunch down by the beach. It was just amazing and wonderful to sit out in the sun, eat great food and be with friends. We laughed. We ate high-priced mediocre food and I got to stare at the vastness of the ocean. It was phenomenal.

I have just been so busy since I got here, which is in stark contrast to my life in Ohio where I do pretty much nothing. I have so many people I want to see and so little time. All of my lunches and dinners are taken. I need more time. I think the best thing is just that I get to have real conversations. In Ohio all I ever seem to talk about is the weather, how I’m adjusting and how I must miss the sun. It’s crazy. I’m sick of having the same conversation over and over. Here I get to be me with people who’ve known me for a while. We get to have deeper conversation. It’s just a refreshing change.

My mom is worried that I’m here looking for a job and/or a place to live. My dad has called twice and my brother called once just wondering where I was and why I haven’t called. It’s nice to be missed.

On Saturday I’m off to Temecula to go wine-tasting and on Sunday we might be crazy and drive to Santa Barbara, we’ll see. It’ll be good!

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land , Alvin Ailey, Disneyland, family, freelancing, orange county, work

Empty

Janine and Tina moved out today. Our house is emptier and emptier. I will be there through Thursday and then leave on Friday morning for Ohio.

It really hit me as I came home tonight that life as I knew it is over. It was depressing to walk into the empty condo. There is no life left in it. Everything that made it a home is gone.

I will miss Tina’s smiling face asking me how my day was.
I will miss Janine yelling Marrrrti as I walk in the door.
I will miss Tina mooching food from me. LOL. It really was endearing, after a while
I will miss all the girl conversations with Janine, about really inappropriate and personal topics. LOL.
I will miss living with peers, in the same stage of life with me.
I will miss having them to debrief my day/dates/people with.
I will miss the sense of home we created together.
I will miss sitting at the kitchen eat-in yakking about anything and everything with them.
I will miss their generous hospitality. Everyone was always welcome at our house.

We are all so amazingly different. Sometimes I’m shocked one of us didn’t die and then there are those moments when it just worked. Maybe same sex roommates are a prep for marriage. Who knows. I do know that I learned so much from them this year. I was so blessed to be able to share a house with them.

So thank you Janine and Tina for helping to shape and mold me. You will forever be apart of me and I’m so glad that you’ll always be in my life somehow.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land , friends, moving, roommates

Garage Sale Musings

Today we had a garage sale to try and empty out as much of our house as possible. It’s a little odd to do that in a gated community. But we put our ad in the penny saver, on craigslist and posted signs in the neighborhood.

One member of our small group offered to stand at the gate with a sign and try and lure people into our place. She did manage to get a date out of the deal, so it was worth it for her.

We had decent traffic flow all day. We got rid of a lot, so that’s all that matters.

You know you’re in South Orange County when people coming to the sale were asking for name brands like Coach, Juicy, Seven, etc. It was just funny. We all looked at each other and just laughed. Then there are those that want to bargain for everything. Many items were sold for a dollar and they would ask if we’d take less. It’s like, lady, its a dollar.

It’s also always interesting the cross section of people you meet. Most are very nice. They all want to know why you’re getting rid of your stuff. Our simple story was that we were moving to Ohio. But in hindsight I wish we had made up something interesting, like we’re on the run from the law. We only have three months to live. You know, something fun and festive. But we stuck with the easy explanation.

I also discovered that there is a sub-culture of individuals who are professional garage sale shoppers. A few today recognized each other from various other sales, compared where they were going today and gave each other tips on the best buys. Another subset of this population are those who are buying at garage sales to then go and sell the items in Mexico. They were mainly looking for electronics, which are much more expensive there.

We also managed to attract the resident crazy lady, who stayed for hours (literally) and wanted to chat. It was all quite interesting.

All I know is that I’m exhausted, but grateful that a lot of stuff sold.

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land , garage sale

Highs and Lows

Last night Lisa and I trekked 60 miles one way to LA to eat dinner at my favorite cuban restaurant, Versailles, with my favorite couple, Thomas and Erika. It was so worth it! We had a fantastic dinner full of good conversation and lots of laughter. We even made it to LA in about an hour instead of the usual two hours or more. It was awesome.

Until we get home to find out that Lisa’s car was towed out of our parking lot. It seems that the reigning parking Nazi’s decided to strike. Apparently you have to display a visitor parking pass to be there. When we received the passes we were told that they only had to be displayed if the car was going to be there overnight.

I mean we have small group peeps park there every Monday. Tons of friends show up at any given time and leave within a few hours. For heaven sakes, Lisa had her car parked there all weekend without a tag (I completely forgot about the rule). So it was completely random and you are given NO warning. It cost $130 to get it back. I feel SO awful. UGH!

One good thing about Ohio, lots of parking.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land , Los Angeles, parking, traffic, Versailles

Weather: California vs Ohio

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the cold in Ohio. I really have no frame of reference for ongoing, constant, daily cold. I really don’t.

So I loaded some weather information for it on my google landing page. When I looked at it today I realized that I just might be crazy for moving back to Ohio in the middle of winter.

I don’t even have clothes for that kind of weather. I don’t even own a real winter coat. Visiting snow is very different from living in snow. I’m kind of starting to panic a little.

I’ve told everyone that my new greatest fear is to hit a patch of black ice, spin out in a snow bank and not be found til Spring. I don’t even really know what black ice is, but I’ve heard about it on tv and it’s never mentioned in a happy context. It usually means serious accident, hazardous weather conditions or certain death.

So this is gonna be interesting. Maybe I need to view this as diving in the deep end. If I don’t die now then I’ll survive the rest of the year. How is that for positive thinking?

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio , California, Ohio, snow, sun, weather

Bittersweet

Today was one of those days when I wonder why I’m leaving.

We went to lunch at the Montage in Laguna Beach. We ate outside under the warm winter sun, basking in the 65 degree heat. We stolled along the palm-treed lined cliffs, listening to the roar of the ocean, breathing in the clean, salt air. It was relaxing, refreshing and invigorating.

We returned to work to go into a meeting with my favorite team. We presented concepts to them that incited a lively creative, brainstorming session. We came to clear, decisive conclusions. They are fun, loving, amazing people that make you love your job.

My immediate thought was, did I decide to leave too soon. But I know the answer is no. The decision to leave was a year in the making. But today is one of those bittersweet days when you realize things you’re leaving behind. I love who I work with. I will miss the comraderie and sense of family that has made working here survivable sometimes.

So while today was amazing, it was also a day of grieving.

Filed under: Living in LA LA Land, Working , beach, coworkers, job, moving, ocean, resigning