Apology to my peeps August 9, 2008

I was sorting through email today and realized there were three or four emails I never returned, from almost a month ago. These were emails from dear friends. People I love. People I want in my life. I feel awful. Then I remember there are also several unreturned phone calls and people I’ve been meaning to email or call. I suck at being a friend right now.

So, I would like to issue a blanket apology to my peeps, you know who you are.

I realize that since I moved I have not been as communicative as I would like. I’m horrible at returning emails and am lax on making calls. I feel in some ways that since I’ve come here I’ve been in the fetal position spiritually, emotionally and occassionally physically. This move has been the hardest things I’ve done in a while.

But more than the move I don’t really have the words to express what has been going on with me. Have you ever noticed that when a house is being built there is a phase after the frame goes up that it looks like all work stops? It seems like there is no activity and the house is abandoned. But really, that is when vital steps to the interworking of the house is being accomplished. They are doing the plumbing, electricity, insulation, and wiring. That’s where I’m living right now.

In some ways there is a lot going on. Right now, I’m afraid to share it. I’m afraid to put it out there. I’m keeping it close to the vest as I process, digest and assimilate. There is also a lot up in the air. I don’t know where things will settle. It’s hard to answer questions when I have no idea what’s going to happen.

In other ways, there is nothing going on and I have nothing to say. I don’t have anything new to share and that gets frustrating. Everything and nothing is changing all at once. It’s odd.

So I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I give you permission to ask questions when you want to. Don’t give up on me. I think about you all the time. I miss you horribly. I wish we could go get dinner, hang out at the beach, or get some gelato. Everytime I get your email, see your name in my phone as I scroll past it, or look at in your photo I thank God for you and that you are in my life. Know you are loved. Know you are appreciated. Know you are important to me. I promise to do better.

Old Friends May 24, 2008

Tonight we visited with my childhood pastor and his family. They are integral part of my past and the development of my Christian walk.

They came to our church when I was six years old. We were part of the core group that saw the church frow from 200 to 3000, we sacrified to build the new church, we were involved in a million different ministries with them. We spent many hours at their house praying for the community, learning more about Christ, laughing, eating, talking, and sharing. Well as a kid I was running around causing commotion but I was aware of what they were doing.

Tonight was no different. We laughed, reminisced, and shared. It was great to be with them again. I forgot how hospitable, comfortable, and caring they are. Spending time with them reminds me that they were a large part of the reason I loved church as a kid.

Walking into their house was like returning to a version of or part of me that I forgot I was. It was nice, a soft blanket of warm-fuzzy memories. I think part of that comfort is because I don’t have to go through the “get-to-know-you” rituals. They already know me. I don’t have to answer the same superficial questions. Even though I haven’t seen them for years we pick up right where we left off. It’s easier to laugh and just be myself. They’ve already seen me at my worst. They already know how I am. They already love me. What a gloriously easy conversation it is.

Lisa’s Ohio Adventure May 8, 2008

My friend Lisa, from CA, braved the midwest frontier and ventured forth to visit me this week. She was here for five glorious days. We had a great time and we even managed to fill three whole days with things to do. LOL, who knew there was so much to entertain us in Ohio. There are even things we didn’t get to, I was shocked.

Since this was really my first foray into Ohio tourist activities we went to Borders to see if there was a travel book or other tourist info for the area, we found nothing. But after scouring the internet we found interesting sites beyond the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and Football Hall of Fame, including culinary delights. I think we pretty much ate our way through the state. That is the great Ohio activity.

We ended her first day in Ohio with a trip to the $1 Theatre to see The Bucket List, which was surprisingly boring. I thought for sure with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson it would be good, but not so much. The best part was the final 15 minutes. Very disappointing.

Our culinary highlight of the day was a trip to Quaker Steak & Lube for the best wings on the planet. We tried four different sauces: Premium Garlic, Thai-R-Tracker, Asian Sesame and Louisiana Licker. We did not go for the atomic sauce you need to sign a waiver to try.

Our culinary highlight of day 2 came early, a breakfast at Cracker Barrel. The pancakes are a must have with real maple syrup. Our next stop was in Akron to visit Stan Hywet Hall, the former home of the Sieberlings (founder of Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company). It was spectacular. The home and grounds, built to resemble an English country estate, were amazing and beautiful. They were even having a vintage 1840s baseball game going on. Everyone was yelling, “huzzah.” Beyond that I have no idea what the rule difference is, but they looked cute in their knickers.

We then high-tailed it to Cleveland to try and get to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before it closed. While we made the trip in only 30 minutes it was only about an hour before they closed. So we decided the hefty $22 was too much to pay for such a short period of time. We did get to walk around the lobby and store. Having been there before I knew Lisa wasn’t missing much, but sometimes you have to see for yourself that it isn’t worth it. She was a little disappointed. We did get to tour a bit of the lakefront and see the Browns stadium. We were both amazed at how brown the lake water is.

We had some time to kill so we decided to take advantage of the Garmin Nuvi and see what it recommended in the area. We were shocked to discover that the Memphis Pink Palace was only 1.6 miles from where we were. Even though the associated phone number had a 901 area code I decided to check it out anyway. We ended up in a very unsavory part of Cleveland. It seems that the fine Garmin programmers and their check systems missed that the zip code was wrong. Then Lisa saw that the there was a Dolly Madison bakery nearby. She was excited to see if they had zingers. But instead Garmin took us to an empty lot. So sad. The lesson is you can never fully trust your GPS, always doublecheck.

Day two we went to Amish Country. It was actually a lot of fun. Our first stop was The Amish Door for a delicious country lunch. Then we visited Wendell August, a tin forging workshop. We even got the chance to hammer out our frustrations on a sample.

No trip to the Amish country is complete without a visit toYoder’s Amish Experience. We got to take a tour of a real Amish home, ride in a real Amish buggy, and see how a real Amish farm works. We came to the conclusion that for a culture that wants to stay away from the world they’re very fond of entertaining it and selling it baked goods. I have to say the culinary highlight of the day were the cookies and cakes made by Rachel at the Amish Experience. They were so good.

Day three: We thought about heading back to Cleveland but honestly there is not a whole lot to do there. We found a cultural garden but it turned out each nationality was only represented by a rock, not a full garden or even a representation of the plants of that country. So not that festive. Instead we went back to Amish country to visit a victorian house museum in Millersburg, Coblentz chocolate factory and Heini’s Cheese chalet. It was another delightful day in the country. We couldn’t have had better weather. There were actual blue skies and it was sunny. A rare day in Ohio indeed.

The culinary highlight was not our lunch at the Millerburg Hotel. It was built in 1847 and the food was as tasteful as if it had been made then. Not good. The culinary highlight of the day was at Coblentz and the most delicious buckeyes. Mmmm tasty. Our day in the country was great but tiring, who knew fresh air was so exhausting.

Lisa left on Wednesday morning. We laughed a lot, saw a lot and it was a great visit. It was nice to have a friend in Ohio.

Being vs Doing April 20, 2008

The other night I had a great conversation with a friend from California. I miss my friends so much. While I love being with my family they weren’t really part of the last 15 years of my life. The majority of my history is with friends. So I miss that part of me. I miss hanging out. I miss experiencing life with them.

Anyway, Debbie and I had an amazing conversation catching up on life and I got a chance to think out loud about my life here in Ohio. I find myself growing restless (shocker I know). I want to know what’s next. Where am I going? What will I do? What job will I have? Where will I live? As I processed this outloud I realized another reason why I’m here. I have to learn how to be still.

I am Martha.

It is more than my name it is a state of mind. I so identify with Martha in the bible. She was organized, efficient, and worried about taking care of people. She nearly missed out on being with Jesus because she was concerned with the household chores. Jesus actually rebuked her attitude.

I am like that. I am master of details, a schedule and planning. I lived my life constantly on the go. I had every night booked. I hated to be quiet. I never sat still. I wasn’t comfortable doing nothing. It made me antsy and anxious. It felt like I was wasting time. There had to be a purpose to everything. I lived a life completely overstimulated.

Cut to, moving to Ohio. There really is nothing to do here. I kid you not. For four to five months out of the year you’re stuck inside, and that’s just winter. This year we had record snow falls, up to 20 inches one weekend. Forget about summer where its so flippin hot that just walking outside requires another shower. Not to mention the nuclear sized bugs that have the power to eat you alive.

At first it was nice to relax, settle down, and enjoy the quiet life. That wore off, after about 6 weeks. I have started to go a little stir crazy. itching to get out, do something, go somewhere. A big day for me now is going to Wal-Mart, playing Guitar Hero with my nephews, and baking some cookies. I don’t even recognize myself. I often fight against slipping into a sort of depression. I have no energy. I sleep all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my life. Who I am I now?

I am finding I have to force myself to think of the benefits. It’s nice to have no schedule sometimes. I am free to go and do anything during the day. I am free to wander off and explore unknown areas - where, no idea, but I could if Ohio quickily sprouted something to look at.

I need to be grateful for this time to unwind, figure out what I want and just be. I am not what I do. I am not where I go. I need to be still. This applies to my relationship with God as well. I’m finding that the more quiet I can become the more I can hear him. Shocker. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

I have to create space for him in my life, beyond church, beyond rushing through devotions, and beyond reading spiritual books. I’m learning to discover how to just sit with him. It’s so hard. I tried to sit in silence a few weeks ago and I think I got maybe 10 good minutes in. The rest of the time my mind wandered to a million topics ranging from weather to world peace. I gave up.

But I can say I am beginning to settle down. As my brain unwinds it’s amazing how much easier it is to concentrate on anything, not just God. I am learning simple pleasures. I feel like I’m in a detox program of somesort. Now that I’m off the overstimulation of life in CA I can really smell the roses. I’m enjoying my gardening and baking. LOL. It feels so pendantic but its been great.

Day 2: Grand Canyon, Painted Desert February 2, 2008

We started off the day in snowy Flagstaff. It felt like it was about 5 degrees outside, but Mike informs me that it was actually 20. But honestly at those temperatures what’s the difference?

After a dismal continental breakfast at the hotel we headed for the grand canyon. I’ve been once, right after college but Mike had never seen it. So we drove the hour into the part and I forgot how majestic it is. The grand canyon is so spectacularly beautiful. Standing on the edge of the rim I was mesmerized. A friend recently told me that looking at the grand canyon made him more aware of how amazing God is. He created something so expansive and awesome and yet knows him intimately. While he feels so small he knows that God is so very big.

After wandering around Mather Point for over an hour we walked around the park a little and then headed out. I was so tired. I think it was exercising at 8000 feet, or maybe the chaos of the last 3 weeks finally caught up with me. I have no idea but once we got back in the car I was out. I woke up about an hour or so later and remember that I wanted to see the Painted Desert.

So off we went on the 180 towards the Petrified Wood National Park. Once we were on Route 66 we passed the Wigwam Motel in Holbrook, AZ. Each teepee has a classic car in front of it. It’s tackily delicious.

We arrived at the park at 3:30 and it closes at 5 p.m. so we drove the 28-mile road through the park in just an hour. We didn’t have the time to give it, it’s due. But my favorite sections are the blue mesa, the teepees and the painted desert. IThe range of color is fantastic from purple, to gray, to red. After a while it was overwhelming, to much to take in. Too big to contemplate. Then our time was up and we ended out day in Albuquerque.

A great day of beauty and conversation. I think Mike and I are getting used to each other. We haven’t spent this much time together since I was in high school. We have to learn how to be friends again. We were best friends growing up, but as adults our lives have gone in two very different directions. He got married and had kids. I went to college, grad school and focused on my job and friends. We’re pretty different people.

I realized before I left that my closest friends in CA know me better and different than my real family does, who only see me once a year. Learning to know them again is going to be interesting. I already miss my friends terribly. I’m also petrified about having to make all new friends in Ohio. I’m so not ready to have the same conversation over and over again. I don’t want to have to date for friends. Since you know that finding good friends is like finding a good man, almost a downright miracle. UGH. I’m sick of dating.

I’m tired. I would even go as far to say weary. At 800 miles into my trip back to Ohio I can’t remember why I’m doing it. I am so heavy with the knowledge and feeling of what I’ve left behind. I’m sure my feelings will contrinue to fluctuate. I just have to rest in the knowledge that this is a journey for growth in Christ, a journey to heal and a journey to discover what God has next for me.

But in the meantime I’m just a bit sad.

Highs and Lows January 19, 2008

Last night Lisa and I trekked 60 miles one way to LA to eat dinner at my favorite cuban restaurant, Versailles, with my favorite couple, Thomas and Erika. It was so worth it! We had a fantastic dinner full of good conversation and lots of laughter. We even made it to LA in about an hour instead of the usual two hours or more. It was awesome.

Until we get home to find out that Lisa’s car was towed out of our parking lot. It seems that the reigning parking Nazi’s decided to strike. Apparently you have to display a visitor parking pass to be there. When we received the passes we were told that they only had to be displayed if the car was going to be there overnight.

I mean we have small group peeps park there every Monday. Tons of friends show up at any given time and leave within a few hours. For heaven sakes, Lisa had her car parked there all weekend without a tag (I completely forgot about the rule). So it was completely random and you are given NO warning. It cost $130 to get it back. I feel SO awful. UGH!

One good thing about Ohio, lots of parking.

Moment of Hope January 17, 2008

I am in the throws of wrapping up my California life. For the most part I have a lot of energy and a lot of help so I’m doing okay. Erika came by on Tuesday to get me officially organized, and to kick my butt into packing mode. It works. She is amazing!! I think that could really be her next job.

Most of the time I’m excited and ready to move on. Yet there are those twinges when I wonder if I let go too soon. Everyone around me is beginning to make plans for things I won’t be apart of. Since I have no vision for what my immediate future will be I start to get a little anxious and melancholy. There is a part of me that wants to stay here with what I know and where I feel secure.

At work I am in the middle of strategizing and planning for something I will not see come to fruition. There is all this excitement and energy in the planning and I want to be here to see it accomplished, but I won’t be. If I dwell in those moments too long I get sad. Today after a really great brainstorming session for a future project I started to whine and pray about my future, what it would be and what I was afraid I was missing.

In the middle of my whine/prayer a former co-worker called me to check in. I haven’t talked to her in at least five months, she didn’t know I was leaving. We chit-chatted for a few minutes to catch up. After talking to her about what God has done with her since she left and the doors that have opened up I began to feel hope for things to come. While mourning what I’m leaving behind God sent me a glimpse of possibility - hope.

I felt that certainty when I first resigned and decided to move, but I think that fades as I get into task mode, as I try to control more of the situation and as I keep looking down for the net. After I got off the phone I was so grateful for her call, now I pray for more of those moments, the divine appointments with people who will give me a taste of the good things to come. I pray for the next opportunity that God presents me and that I be ready to leap for it.

Last night in Bible Study our verse was from 1 Timothy 2:7: “For God did not give us a spirit of fear (timidity), but a spirit of power, love and discipline.” That really hit me. If I choose to live in fear with caution and trepidation of my circumstances then I have a faith problem. I am labeling this problem as impossible when there are a million verses that say otherwise. (Matt 19:26, Isa 41:13, Luke 18:27)

I need to repeat that to myself almost daily.

Small World January 14, 2008

Yesterday Lisa, Janine and I travelled to San Diego for our friend Nicole’s post-elopement wedding reception. It was at Mister Tiki’s Mai Tai Lounge in the Gaslamp district. It was very fun.

At one point in the night I was sitting at the guest book table, waiting for my turn to sign and a woman I didn’t know came up to me and asked, “is your name Martha?”

I looked up at her, wondering who in the world would be asking that, no one calls me Martha. I hesitantly said yes. Then she tells me that her name is Amy and she thinks she knows me. I look at her wracking my brain for how I might know her. Nicole and I worked together, but she didn’t work with us there. I didn’t know the groom before he met Nicole so it can’t be from him.

She goes on to ask me if I am the same Martha that worked at Registered Representative Magazine in Irvine. Wow. I haven’t heard that name in forever. But I am that Martha. I worked there in 1998-1999. That was my very first job in Southern California after I moved back from living in San Francisco.

And then it all comes back to me. Amy was the receptionist. Back in 1998 Amy was very young and had just moved here from San Diego. She was cute, bubbly and happy.

How funny is that. She gave me a big hug and we caught up really fast. Turns out her husband is the groom’s step brother. Insane. I was stunned by that the rest of the night, such a small world.

First Small Group Goodbye January 11, 2008

Last night I said goodbye to one of my small groups.

We’re at a natural breaking point in our study and I’ve handed over the leadership reigns. It’s just odd. I’ve been dreading it. I can feel myself get overwhelmed with the details of what needs to be done and I find myself starting to shut down.

My prayer is to stay present and absorb all of the joy and pain out of these moments as I start to let go of what has been my life for a long time.

I was right in that it was really, really hard but it was also amazing. They loved on me, prayed for me and said the most beautiful things. They were so expressive, appreciative, kind, generous and I was blown away.

God blessed me with some amazing friends. I will miss their insight, grace, correction, friendship, and jokes.

Our group was formed randomly at a connection event and God is so good. He brought together the perfect group of women. We don’t always agree but we do learn so much from each other. Each woman contributes something so unique and amazing to our experience and journey together.

It still sucked to say goodbye, I still have two more small groups to leave. I did cry. I also laughed a lot. In the end, I just felt so incredibly loved. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt it this strong before. It shows how far I’ve come in my own healing and it feels good.

A few years ago I would have been too afraid to let them in. I would have never stepped up to be a leader and I would have been so robbed of these great people. It hasn’t been easy to open up, be vulnerable, share my faults, speak my mind or even show up every week. But the reward and fruit of this experience has been beyond my every expectation. The risk was worth it. Receiving this kind of love is definitely what God means when he says he wants us to have immeasurably more.

Bachelorette Party at the Beach October 15, 2007

We had the pleasure of spending the weekend at the beach with Nicole, who is getting married in three weeks.

Six of us had a slumber party at a friend’s beach house in Laguna. It was fabulous and just what we needed. She’s getting loopy planning a wedding that will take place in Hawaii, while prepping to move into her fiance’s house. The rest of us are just road weary from the general craziness of life.

So yes, a beach house was in order and we were blessed with one that rocked. Our back door literally opened up to the sand. One whole wall was windows. We had to yell at one another when the tide was coming in because the waves were so loud. Oh yea. We could smell the sea. from the living room.

Aside from the view it was also refreshing to get to spend time together. We haven’t all been in the same room since January. Life has taken us in really different directions. So we had a great time celebrating Nicole’s single life and helping her anticipate biblically-sanctioned monkey sex. There were no cheesy pass-the-cucumber games. No kitchen gadgets. Just lots of yakking and lots of laughing. I guarantee no guy would have been safe within miles of this girliness.

There is nothing better than a weekend with the girls. We were all joking last night when we started to fade at midnight that this bachelorette party was sure different than the ones we had in our 20s. No one got drunk. There were only a few embarassing moments, but no one threw up. I promise Jenn the video will remain under lock and key.