The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Grease

On Friday, Sandy and I went to the Palace Theatre in downtown Canton to see Grease on the big screen.

It was a pajama party and singing was highly encouraged. Pajamas and singing, count me in. We donned our robes and slippers, braved the rain and tuned up our voices. At the historic movie house we bought pom-poms for a quarter and waiting anxiously for the strains of Love is a Many Splendored Thing.

Most everyone in the audience knew the words to the songs and dialogue. We spoke them together in one accord, cheering for Rydell, booing the mean Danny Zuko, and glad the Hand Jive was alive once again.

Only four when the movie was originally released, this was my first time to see it on the big screen. It was awesome. A fun night singing, shouting and losing yourself in the moment.

I have seen Grease at least 100 times and it never gets old. Although as an adult I’m amazed at how risque this movie is. As a kid, I really had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t get half of the jokes. As it should be I suppose.

I am such a sucker for sing-a-longs. I think I have an inner broadway star anxious to get out.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Pop Culture , Grease, John Travolta, movie, Olivia Newton John, Sing-A-Long

Realizations in California

I had a fantastic time in California. It was awesome to be in the sun, with friends, eating delicious food and just no pressure. There was no where I had to be, nothing I had to do and no responsibility whatsoever, who wouldn’t love that? I was living life as I used to know it. LOL. Which sounds a bit odd, but it’s true.

Living near family requires a different mindset. There are certain responsibilities you have simply because you’re a part of the family. After living away for 15 years it’s been an adjustment to get used to being an aunt, a sister, a niece and a daughter again.

I struggle drawing healthy boundaries in the family scenario. We all slip back into the roles established when were seven. It’s like being a Disney star, you are locked into your contract for life. This process is hard.

When I left for CA I was so overwhelmed, feeling like I was responsible for fixing what was wrong in my family. I am the peacemaker. I make sure everyone is ok. It is the role I have played my entire life, one that I felt was required of me. That is a heavy burden to bear. Is exhausting, stressful and enfuriating. When I left I felt smothered, lost and I couldn’t think. As I flew west I could literally feel the weight fall off me. I had to reconnect with who I am and what I want.

In CA, through the help of friends I realized it’s not my job to fix my family. Ta dah. It’s that simple. I have to let myself off the hook. I don’t have to carry the burden of the family, to make sure we’re all ok. That ephiphany set me free. When I realized this I could let go. I can let go of them. I can let go of the problems. I am only responsible for me. Phew. I’m enough trouble all on my own. LOL. I need a new definition of who I am with them.

Now, I have to move forward in my life. I’m trying to decide if I want to move back to California or can I find my own life in Ohio? I’ve also decided I’m going to finish my licensure to become a therapist. I’m only a year away and it feels like something undone in my life. Whether I pursue my PhD after that who knows.

That’s all I’ve come up with so far. LOL

Filed under: Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Psychobabbling , boundaries, roles

Ode to 2008

The time has come to bid a fond adieu to 2008.

It was the best of times and the worst of times.

I’ve blogged about the big-bad things ad nauseum – leaving California and all my wonderful friends, adjusting to Ohio, and visiting California as much as possible.

I’m choosing to focus on other things that happened this year. I decided to do some marketing as a contractor. It was great to have my own schedule but dealing with different personalities was challenging. Basically I’m not enough of a diplomat to do it. I don’t like having to be so nice and accomodating all the time. It just isn’t in my nature. I’m not that nice. However, I did get to go to Georgia, a place I’ve never been. It also faciliated my trip to Savannah. I have been dying to get to Savannah for years, and I got to go with one of my favorite people, Debbie.

I’m working with my dad right now. He bought two businesses in August. We were working 16-hour days trying to get ahead and figure out what the heck we’re doing. We’re finally starting to get some traction. I am believing that 2009 will be a good year for us. We have some great ideas and good help. Phew.

My sanity, at two points in the year, came in the form of two friends that braved the wild frontier and visited me here in Ohio. Lisa came in May, her first trip to Ohio in her whole life. Shocker, can’t imagine never having been to the great state of Ohio. We had a whirlwind tour of all the highlights. Erika came in September. We went to Pittsburgh and to visit her grandma who lives in nearby Elyria. How great is it to have friends that you can just pick up where you left off. There is no pretense, entertaining or BS. It’s just honesty, sincerity and unconditional love.

The past 10 months in Ohio have also been a tough yet good time with family. I have gotten to babysit for my nephews a lot. They are both crazy, so much fun and test every nerve I have. Yet, when I don’t seem them at least every other day I go through withdrawls. I have also seen a different side of my parents. Rather than slipping into the role I’ve played my entire life I’m able to just be me, which is so much easier. Another sign all the therapy paid off.

There are also things that stay the same regardless of where I am – I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I still have no idea where I’m going to end up. I’m still single. These familiar friends are still with me. No idea when those will be resolved. I am learning to be more comfortable with the ambiguity.

I don’t regret my decision to move here to Ohio. I am beginning to make new friends here. I’ve nearly stopped comparing everything to California. I’m trying to move on and embrace this season of life right where God has me now – Ohio. I don’t want to miss the good because I’m wishing I was somewhere else.

I am looking forward to 2009 with anticipation and excitement. I believe its going to be a good year, perhaps not what we expect but full of new adventure and opportunities for growth. How is that? LOL. I’m downright pollyanna and optomistic. Not bad.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turned 34.

What the heck? What is that about. I realize we keep getting older every year whether we want to or not, but I was not prepared to be 34. LOL. My dear cousin Joe informed me that 33 is officially the end of your early 30s and 34 starts the short season of your mid-30s. Nice.

I did have a great day. I woke up late, ate some cinnamon bread (my favorite). Then for lunch I went to tea at the First Ladies Tea House here in Canton with some friends. For dinner I went with my brother and fam to Red Robin. My birthday cake was a red velvet from Cold Stone with cake batter ice cream. So yummy. It really was all about food.

I also realized that while my life here isn’t what I wished for, it’s still good. I do have good friends here that love me, too. They don’t replace the ones I left behind in California, but they’re good ones.

I’m ok. Life is ok. I look forward to my 34th year with anticipation and excitement.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in Ohio

Merry Christmas

Christmas is here!

Inspite of its lack of fanfare for me this year the past two days have been great. It started last night at church. I haven’t gotten to go to church in a while. We’ve been working round the clock. But I missed it. I missed corporate singing. I missed the teaching. I missed just the time set aside to be with God. I’m also convinced that the sermon last night was just for me.

He talked about how the baby Jesus came to turn everything upside down, inside out and right side up. Upside down because the Kingdom of God makes the last first, the weak strong and the blind see. Then he turns everything inside out. He reveals motives and shakes things free. Finally once everything is upside down and inside out he turns them right side up, because now its the way its supposed to be, His way.

Whether the sermon was just for me or not it gave me hope. There was also such an amazing sense of God’s presence in the service. You could almost touch it. It was so peaceful, welcoming and restful. I actually didn’t want to leave. I slept better last night than I have in a while.

Today we had a leisurely morning, then I made orange zest pancakes and sausages. My brother and family came over around noon. We had our family Christmas with lots of squeals of delight from the boys over their presents, which is a good thing. Top presents of the day were an i-dog soft speaker for Jordy and new Bakugan for Mikey.

This year instead of ham or turkey we had a Mexican soup for lunch – posole with all of the fixings. It has pork, hominy, onion, garlic and chile guajillo. On top of it you put oregano, lime, radishes, shredded cabbage and salt to taste. Mmmmm so good. I haven’t had it since the last time I was in Mexico, over seven years ago. My sister-in-law did a great job on it. It was amazing.

Tonight we had friends over and we did about three hours of karaoke. Favorites were – YMCA, Sweet Caroline, Mickey, Build Me Up Buttercup and Hang On Sloopy. We laughed, danced and sang our hearts out. So much fun.

It was a fantastic day full of lots of great people and food. While it wasn’t a white Christmas it was still an awesome one.

Filed under: Cooking and Food, Friendshipping, Mi Familia , karaoke, posole, singing

Goodbye Jason

On Saturday morning my college buddy Jason Siebert was travelling through Long Beach and was hit by a 22 year-old reckless driver evading police, going over 100 mph. He died on the scene.

I am stunned. His death is shocking and senseless.

I met Jason at Biola about 12 years ago. We bonded and became fast friends at The Chimes. We were both very sarcastic and had the same view of life. It seemed like we were always laughing about anything and everything.

At 21 we had our lives in front of us. We had lots of plans, ideas and dreams.

After I graduated Jason and I continued to hang out for a couple years then our lives went in different directions and we only saw each other once a year, then every couple of years, now its been about four years. We just reconnected on Facebook a few months ago. But we still got to laugh and it was good to talk to him.

I was happy to learn that Jason was accomplishing many of his dreams. He had the most beautiful voice and was active in theatre. He worked at Disneyland for years as a performer and had a job at the Orange County Performing Arts Center as a community manager. He was doing what he loved. He was being true to himself and persuing his passion.

I will miss his smile. I will miss his zeal for life.

Jason you were a gift to those that knew you. We will always love you.

Filed under: Friendshipping , car accident, college, death, friend, grief

Happy Thanksgiving…

Today was a wonderful day full of good friends, family, and food.

Since my mom is down and out from her foot surgery I was in charge of organizing the meal and guests. This was my first thanksgiving of sorts – at least the first one where I was responsible for the dishes, planning, decorating, etc. It wasn’t so hard but then again I had a lot of help. We had several friends, without family in the area, coming over for dinner and we all brought something. It was a communal effort and turned out delicious. Our turkey was even deep fried injected with who knows what and it too was great!

It was overall relaxing, peaceful and fun. We played Jenga, Cranium, and Guitar Hero.

But the most amazing part of the evening was when our friend, who was just diagnosed with stage four cancer came over to be with us. She starts radiation tomorrow. We spent about an hour just being with her, loving on her. This is her second bout with cancer. She knows the battle ahead because she’s been through all of this before. We know the risks, the fear, the possibilities of what could happen. Our hearts are heavy but we stand with her in faith that God will fight for her.

So today I am grateful for friends that become family who stand with you in life’s joys and trials. The friends that cry with you, laugh with you and make everything more real because they are there in the middle of everything.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Mi Familia , cancer, deep-fried turkey, thanksgiving

Contemplating California

This trip back to California has been great. It has been wonderful to re-connect with friends, spend time in the sun and relax a bit after weeks of hecticness back in Ohio. I’ve felt peaceful for the first time in weeks.

I’m sure its no surprise that I’ve wondered if I want to move back here. Do I really want to stay in Ohio? When I think about it I just feel sad. I love my family but I feel like I’m slowly dying there. I have even blurted out to both of my parents this week that I don’t want to go back. I know they weren’t shocked. I also know this leaves my dad in the lurch with the business. He depends on me for a lot but they both want me to do what makes me happy.

I remember the reasons I returned, to deal with some of the demons from my past, reconnect with family and figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I feel like I’ve accomplished some of those things.

But even as I contemplate the possibility of moving somewhere else, I don’t know what I’m moving towards. I still don’t have a definitive career path. I still don’t have a goal for my life. So would I be returning with many of the same questions I left with?

Now I’m confused, sad, and emotional. I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere. I don’t have a sense of home in any place. I’m always wishing I were somewhere else. When I’m with my wonderful friends I miss my family. When I’m with my family I desperately miss the life and friends I have here. It’s a no win situation. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

Filed under: Friendshipping, Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia , California, family, moving, Ohio

Congratulations Janine and Chris

Today my former roommate and dear friend Janine got married.

What a journey! She and Chris just met February 28th and nine short, action-packed months later are married. The ceremony was beautiful, the bride was stunning and the day was sunny and warm. It was the perfect day for an outdoor wedding.

I am so happy for her and this next phase of her life. I can’t wait to see what God does next.

Filed under: Friendshipping