Back to the Motherland April 23, 2008

I am back in California this week for work. I am so loving the weather and being with friends. As usual the week is a whirlwind of activity and people. I hardly know where to do or what to do first. I feel like a cartoon character whose feet are moving 8 million miles an hour.

When I came back last month it felt weird. I was acutely aware of the fact that I didn’t live here anymore. Everything felt odd, I didn’t know where I belonged or what I was supposed to do. This time it felt like coming home. I wanted to go back to our condo, with my roommates and to my stuff.

In someways I feel like I never left. I have amazing friends that keep up with me and stay connected to me so being here with them is just a continuation of a perpetual conversation. Only now instead of wracking up the minutes on the phone it’s in person, over a delicious meal, or while doing something we love, like riding Tower of Terror. In some ways, I feel more like me when I’m here. It’s more familiar. I know where I am. I know how to get most places. The routine is familiar. The people are known.

But I am also acutely aware that I am not supposed to be here right now. This is time for faith stretching, discovering new parts of me, making new friends (with my family), learning to trust in the unknown. I still don’t have answers to the questions God is asking of me and that I am asking him. In many ways its easier to live with that confusion and uncertainty in the unfamiliar, because then I have no way or desire to wrestle control away from him. I need him everyday for sanity. I depend on him everyday for direction. I have to seek him in ways I never had to here.

It’s still hard. I still really don’t like Ohio. I’m still often bored. But in Ohio God has my undivided attention, I have nothing else to do. I hope I learn quickly. I learn better through adversity. I’m just stubborn like that.

Rennaisance Marti April 6, 2008

In light of spring and it’s implication of all things new I have decided to broaden my horizons and explore unknown parts of my creativity through the acqusition of new skills and talents.

The first talent on my list is that of gardener. I helped all day yesterday and today in the yard with the grunt work to get to my real task of planting flowers and prepping the ground to have a garden. We bought flower seeds, herb seeds, starter trays, potting soil and other gardening accoutrements yesterday at Wal-Mart. The task for today is to get the seeds planted in the little trays. I have never really undertaken this kind of work before. Most of the time I live in the city, in an apartment, with no land and no real desire to take care plants and flowers. But there is something therapeutic and relaxing about working with the soil and in the yard. So we’ll see how this goes.

My second project is that of sewing. The extent of my current sewing skills is buttons. I can however sew on a mean button. Normally I don’t have the patience for this kind of thing. But yesterday at Wal-Mart mom ran to the craft section to see what they had. This is a ritual of hers since she loves all things crafty and sewy. As I “patiently” waited for her to peruse the fabric and beads I started to flip through the pattern catalog. I saw this really cute little bag. It was in the “easy” section so I decided to give it a try. Should be interesting. I did however find very cute fabric, so I’m excited, for now.

Well I’m off to get the plants started.

Two Months In April 3, 2008

Well I have now been in Ohio for two months.

The sun greeted me this morning, for the second time since I got here. It appeared almost as a reassurance that spring is coming inspite of near constant 30 degree temperatures.

As my contracted freelance work winds down I’m beginning to ramp up my job search. I’m applying anywhere I’m willing live. So far its Colorado, Chicago, Nashville and around here. I find that I keep applying for marketing jobs because that’s what I know. But I don’t know if I want to be in marketing still. After almost 10 years I’m ready for a change. I think. I’m still reeling from the last big change I made. Maybe a little continuity would be good.

After my recent trip to Pittsburgh I realized that where I live is not a city, it’s a town. There is a difference. We have little to no culture, architecture, theatre, etc. I miss the city. I miss smog. I miss people. I miss traffic. I’m homesick.

Back in the Baking Saddle March 22, 2008

For my brother’s birthday party, my sister-in-law asked us to bring something that reminded us of him. I brought chocolate chip cookies. As kids he would beg me to make them so he could use them in trades at school for homework, favors and treats for girls. I relished the chance to tell his friends about the Mike they don’t know, yet.

What I didn’t know was that my mom has a kitchen-aid stand mixer. Oh yea. That’s girl heaven right there. It was so fun to use. I forgot how much I enjoy baking. When I was in high school I did it all the time. I would bake cakes, from scratch, for church functions, fund-raisers, anniversaries and birthdays. I was so into it.

When I went to college I didn’t have a kitchen, then I didn’t have all the kitchen accoutrement, room or time. So I switched to boxed cakes or just buying it.

After the cookies I’ve gone in a small baking frienzy. I have many baking projects in mind. I’m going have to be careful not too sample too many. Perhaps I shall tackle sugar-free baking.

My next project are red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting for Easter dessert tomorrow. Erika and I did a cupcake tour of LA and the red velvet was the baseline to judge all bakeries. I had never had one before. They are quite unique and delicious. I love anything red so I was happy with them

So now I get the chance to make my own. I used Paula Deen’s recipe, figuring if I could trust anyone to be my guide into these southern tradition it would be her.

So far so good. I just took the cupcakes out of the oven. Of course I had to taste one, they’re little red pillows of moist deliciousness. I forgot how relaxing this is for me. It’s akin to taking pictures. It brings me such joy and I love watching other people enjoy it. Who knows what else I’ll tackle. For now I’m off to make cream cheese frosting.

This is also a great way to pass cold Ohio days. We’re supposed to get more snow next week. i kid you not.

One Month Down March 8, 2008

It dawned on me the other day that I have officially been an Ohio resident for a month now. I can honestly say it has gone by very fast. I don’t know what I expected, but its been good.

It’s been awesome to reconnect to my family. I like having them around and I think they like having me here too.

It’s been cold. There’s been lots of snow and ice. I’ve played a lot of Guitar Hero. I unfortunately don’t have much more to say about it.

It has taken me a while to wind down from the whirlwind that was December and January. I still have no clue what I’m going to do next.

I guess its just one day at a time. To celebrate my monthaversary I’m going back to California for a week. LOL. I can’t wait to be warm.

Dream of Lost Car December 27, 2007

Last night I had one of my reoccuring dreams - a lost car.

This time rather than dreaming of a car I own or have owned I dreamt that I rented a classic car. I rented it from the high school in the small town I grew up in. I drove the car for a minute and then parked it. When I went back to find it, it was gone. I searched all over town for this car for the rest of the dream.

I haven’t had a dream about a lost car since October of 2005, right when my relationship with my ex started to fall apart. So maybe I have this dream when things are about to change and I’m a little unsure of myself. A dream of cars is about identity and position in life. A stolen car is about lost identity, isn’t that the truth. I guess the move back to Ohio is finally showing up in my dreams. My unconscious is finally starting to process, a good thing I suppose.

Happy Unplanned Birthday to Me December 26, 2007

Having a birthday the day after Christmas usually makes celebrating it difficult. Everyone is tired, out of town, or somehow unavailable. This year I feel completely celebrated. I had two parties, two lunches and I spent today with two good friends. And the great thing is, the celebration isn’t over. On Jan 6 Janine, Lisa, Tina and I, all of whom celebrate a birthday in Dec/Jan, are going to have a princess birthday in Ariel’s Grotto at California Adventure. I can’t wait!

Today also marked another milestone for me, besides turning 33, it was the first time I left things unplanned. Yes, that’s right, I had no plan for how I was going to spend my birthday. I just couldn’t think of anything that seemed birthday worthy. I mean there are a million things I want to do but they were far, too much trouble, not special enough or just expensive. So I was actually stressed last night thinking how I was going to spend the day. Birthday’s can be anti-climatic if you let them, and I just wanted to have a fun, relaxing time with friends.

But it turns out that all my worry was all for naught. I woke up at 7 a.m. thanks to my brother who called to wish me a happy birthday. But I didn’t get up for real until almost 10 a.m. thanks to another well wisher. Then I came downstairs and Lisa, who spent the night, was making breakfast. We had leftover pot roast and eggs. It was delicious.

Then Debbie came over around 1 p.m. and all I knew was that I wanted to head south. So we hopped on PCH and turned left. We drove through the lovely Laguna Beach. I thought about stopping for gelato but it was too crowded. So we kept meandering along and went through San Juan Capistrano, Dana Point and then I remembered a cool place in San Clemente called Casa Romantica. It is a gorgeous house overlooking the ocean.

With no plan, there is no pressure, we just stopped when we thought of something fun. On the way back we decided to go through San Juan and go to the cute little shops near the Train Station and Mission. We never made it to the shops instead we went to have tea at the Los Rios Tea House . We got to wear hats, eat delicious scones and talk. It was glorious. I love tea.

Then around 6 p.m. we headed home and continued gabbing until now. They just went home and I’m exhausted. It was a great day without a plan. Normally, I have every detail mapped out. I like knowing what’s going to happen. But today was all about serendipity, living in the moment and going with the flow. It was fantastic.

We got to soak in the ocean as we travelled down PCH with the sunroof open. We saw a beautiful, historic Spanish home in San Clemente and dined on great tea and little sandwiches whilst wearing a hat. How can you beat that? You just can’t. It was a great day!!

This year I am in a much different place emotionally than I was last year. I finally quit a wrong-fitting job. I am moving in faith closer to my family to cultivate relationships with them. I am stepping in faith to embrace the immeasurably more that God has for us, instead of being restless in what is. So I think going without a plan is a theme for me in 2008. We’ll see how that goes. My 33rd year will be an interesting one if nothing else.

Return of Creativity December 9, 2007

It’s been over a month since I gave notice at work.

The feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity still prevades. The glass-half-empty part of me wonders if that feeling will last once I’ve received my last paycheck. Will I still have faith when I don’t have a job and am broke? To those thoughts I say - get thee behind me Satan.

I was talking with Debbie yesterday about my thoughts and feelings about the future and I realized that I have more energy for it. It is as if the words, “I quit” broke the prisons in my mind. I am no longer bound by the ridiculousness of my job. My creativity is not hampered the vision of someone else. My dreams are bigger than a 9-5 job that has been sucking my soul dry for a few years. My job was killing me. I was so lost there living in the confines of chaos, indecision, and boxes that other people created for me.

Since I quit I’ve lost 10 pounds. I’m sleeping better. I have more energy and my blood sugar levels have dropped by 15 points. Wow! The effects of an ill-fitting job wreck havoc on your life.

To say I choose something else is sheer freedom. I am saying I deserve more. God created me for something else. This place is not right for me. The joy of life is slowly creeping back into my soul. I didn’t realize how dead I was becoming. The restless of my soul was my true self fighting for a chance to live.

I may be waxing on poetically but I feel like I”m slowly emerging from a deep freeze. It’s a little painful. I’m a little rusty and achy, but its coming back to me. I got a glimpse of this during my sabbatical of sorts, back in March. But honestly I was afraid. I couldn’t dream big because I was too afraid to let go of the security that a regular job provides. Not realizing that I was selling my soul in the process. I had to get to a point where I was willing to really let go. God has to loosen my grip on my life and everything I feel that keeps me “safe.”

I”ve spent my life trying to be safe and in the process have squelched who I am. I am gradually entertaining ideas of a life that a year ago I would not have even permitted myself to think. Now everything is fair game. Who knows what will happen and for once the unknown is exciting, not just petrifying.

It’s scary too but now that is part of the joy.

Plugging Along September 25, 2007

Life is generally chugging along these day without incident or crisis, which is is good.

I’m not in a terribly reflective state at the moment. I’m really busy with work, leading some groups at church and just generally hanging out with friends sampling alot of the wonders that Southern California has to offer.

I suppose it’s good that life is humming along. But if I stop to think too much I wonder what big shoe is waiting to fall on my head. Part of my glass half empty mentality. But instead, for this second, I’m good. Life is good.

So I chose to stop and say thank you God for the friends, job, place to live, small groups, ministry and family.

Too old for London July 26, 2007

On one of my recent flights of fancy I decided to indulge my lifelong desire of moving to London.

I don’t know why I want to move to London, no real logical reason, I just do.

So I joined a yahoo group appropriately called, Moving to London. Helpful posts from others trying to move made mention of the Highly Skilled Migrant Programme (HSMP) visa, which allows you to move to London to look for worth without obtaining employment sponsorship. This is a much easier route, if you qualify on the 75 point system. Points are awarded based on: age, current salary, educational background, previous UK living experience, etc.

At the end of the very short questionnaire I learned that I only generated 65 points, what killed me? My age. That’s right, over 30 and you get no points at all. If I want to qualify I either need to start earning more money here or go get an MBA from one of the selected schools.

The thought of going back to grad school to get an MBA makes me tired. So it’s back to the drawing board on how I can move to London.