Processing Life

These past few weeks have been difficult.

I’m interviewing for two different jobs. My dad is moving to a new house, so I’ve been helping him pack. I’ve also been traveling 4 hours back and forth from OH to IN to be with my aunt during chemo. Not to mention watching my nephews thrown in along with prepping for a big craft fair this Saturday both by making chocolate for my dad and jewelry for my mom. Oh and my dad had knee surgery today, so I sat at the hospital all day.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained. Physically tired. Soul weary.

The weather is turning cold. The skies are grey. The trees are naked and I feel like it all matches my mood right now. I’m on edge. Little things are bugging the crap out of me.

I’m not hopeless. I’m not freaking out about anything. Life is just stressful right now. I also realize that some of this is part of the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. As the oldest child I am now called on to stand in the gap, a lot. There are needs to be met. There are things that need to be done.

I’m also realizing how much of a team married couples are. When one of those people is removed from the equation there is a giant hole. With the move my mom would have packed, organized and transferred all services. My dad is responsible for finding the heavy lifters and getting it all moved. My dad didn’t stop to think about the things my mom usually does. This is just one example of many. As I step in to help I am hit with a wall of sadness and grief. There is a pain in realizing they are no longer a unit.

I could say no. I could walk away. I could draw harsh boundaries but I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to be involved. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and still take care of me yet.

I realize I need more me time. I know I need to find space to rest emotionally and spiritually. It’s just hard right now. I’m shuttling back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s house. I’m hoping that if I get the job I want it will buy me some space.

I especially feel responsible because my brother has removed himself completely. That is how he is choosing to cope. To me that is unacceptable. I can’t do that. Perhaps that is because I’m the firstborn and we naturally assume these roles. We naturally feel obligated. We are used to taking the reigns.

So it’s a whole bag of emotions. I need to get them out. I need to release them. Crying is part of it, but I also need to be creative. I think that’s why I’m so irritated right now. I haven’t had the time I want to focus on this show. I have had zero time to take photos. I haven’t been to a museum in a while. There have been no festivals to enjoy. I am also on people overload. As an introvert I need time alone. I have no space to be by myself. I have no space to call my own. I miss all my stuff that has been in boxes for almost two years.

So there’s a lot going on. It’s not life or death and I feel like I should insert some positive thing right here, but I can’t. It would be insincere. It’s not that I don’t feel positive. I can see lots of evidence of God moving in our lives. I feel settled into my skin more now than I ever have before.

It’s just hard right now. I’m jonesing for a trip to CA. I need to be with my peeps. I’m hoping it will work out that I can go for my 35th birthday. We’ll see.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , boundaries, creativity, divorce, drama, exhaustion, grief, introvert, job interviews, moving, personal space, quiet time, weary

The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Life as I saw it in the 4th Grade

Aaah it was the life in 1984. I was 9 and had the world by the tail. Or at least my brother.

I was sorting through boxes at my parents house and found lots of old cards, art projects, and elementary school papers. Among them was a questionnaire I filled out in the 4th grade. It read:

ALL ABOUT ME:
1. My whole name is Martha Chavarria.
2. If I changed my first name I would be Kathy.  (I have no idea why I wanted to be a Kathy.)
3. I have black hair and brown eyes. (Proof of what my natural hair color is)
4. The thing I like best about me is when I smile my eyes sort of sparkle. (Interesting)
5. My Mom is great.
6. My Dad is a mechanic.
7. At our house we always shut off the light after we are done in a room. (LOL that’s the most interesting thing I could think of)
8. My favorite food is pizza and my favorite place to eat is Noble Romans. (Still love pizza)
9. I like the color purple best. I see this color on my bookbag. (Favorite color now is red)
10. I have NO sisters and one brother and we like to play games like Survive, etc. (Games of survival in the 4th grade?)
11. On the bus I talk or I am quiet. (Usually it is one or the other)
12. My favorite school subject is art, because I like to draw. (Huh, I remembered it being English)
13. The subject I like least is English, Math, Social Studies. (Learn something new everyday)
14. If I were a teacher I would have some kind of art project a day. (Again, learn something new)
15. When I want to be alone I go in my room and lock the door. (Effective)
16. Sometimes I get scared when I watch a scary movie.
17. If I could visit anywhere in the world I would go to California to see my uncle Kevin. (Always been a city girl at heart)
18. Sometimes I wonder what God looks like.
19. I think President Reagan should lower taxes!
20. Jenni Fraters is my best friend because she is fun to be with and nice.
21. I enjoy reading mysteries, really all kinds of books.
22. It’s really hard for me to whistle and jump in backwards in jump rope. (Still can’t whistle, not sure about the jumping in backwards)
23. It’s really easy for me to cook things.
24. One job I do at home is clean my room.
25. I think the best age to be is 16, 17, or 18 because you learn how to drive. (The epitome of freedom)
26. If I had three wishes I would wish for: a bunch of stickers, $1000 dollars, for 20 more wishes. (If only I had gotten the stickers or maybe more wishes)

Filed under: About Me , 1984, 4th grade, elementary school, questionnaire

Mike and Marti Show

One of my sisterly duties upon return to Ohio is to help my brother, Mike, write his papers. He is in his 14th year of study for his B.A. If only he listened to me he’d have a PhD by now. But he didn’t, he chose a family and the mission field instead. Noble. Yes. Quick study? No.

He is getting his B.A. in counseling. So, it has also led to some very interesting discussions about the church, friendships, marriage, parenting, dysfunctional families and of course our issues. One day, over a discussion about the failure of the church to help people to learn how to be in relationship, resulting in divorce numbers in the church being the same as regular society I realized this was good stuff.

I decided it would be very fun to do a podcast. But just like deciding against staying in school to get married at 18, Mike didn’t listen to me. However, as his studies wind down he warmed up to the idea. I’m glad this didn’t take 14 years to come around, instead just a couple of months. I’m hoping our podcast turns out as well as his marriage.

This first podcast is an interview of each other. We just wanted to see how it worked, if we were annoying “on-air.” But the bottom line is we had a lot of fun. It is a chance to us to connect in a different way. It’s not about being siblings but learning to be friends. Learning to respect each other as adults. We realized that as brother and sister we play off each other well. We don’t let each other get away with anything.

So our goal is to talk about the taboo, the irrational, the Christian, the unChristian, funny, poignant and most of real topics that hit our everyday lives. This is our new therapy. I’m sure there will be lots of embarassing stories, crazy personal details and laughs. I can’t wait to see what happens.

Check out our podcast and its accompanying blog, with no extra batteries required.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , podcast, siblings

Historical Review of November’s Past

One of the benefits of having a blog is that it is a searchable diary. It is how I keep track of major events in my life, or at least the printable major events

So in efforts to keep up my month of blogging everyday I decided to look back at November’s past and see what was going on in my life since I started this blog. Here is the review:

2004 – I was getting ready to celebrate my 30th birthday in New York with Joanna and Laticia. I was knee deep in grad school wondering if I should finish or just forget it since I wasn’t sure anymore what I’d do with it. I had also just started a new job. I was overwhelmed, freaked out and scared.

2005 – Between November 2004 and November 2005 Brian and I got back together for the 2nd time. He had just gone with me back to Indiana to celebrate my grandmother’s surprise 75th birthday party. We also decided to drive cross country from CA to Ohio, via Memphis to pick up his daughter – all in a week for thanksgiving. I was also wrapping up my grad school career still no idea what I was going to do with it. I ended the month getting an AIDS test at a work conference. Nice.

2006 – I had moved to South Orange County. Brian and I had broken up again. I had a new roommate. I was struggling to make new friends in my new neck of the words and still struggling to figure out what to do with my life. I had found a new small group that was great. We were also making plans for Mike and fam’s visit. I was finally going to get to take my nephews to Disneyland. We let them know via a series of clues and a scavenger hunt. We had so much fun having them guess, it was sweet torture waiting for them to come.

2007 – Sensing my life was in a rut, I had decided to move back to Ohio. I was beginning my goodbye tour of Southern California, spending lots of time with my favorite people. I had not however started to pack AT ALL instead I was just learning lessons from lizards.

2008 – Still no idea what God’s will is for my life. I beginning to think its about the relationships in life, learning to be open, vulnerable and to keep growing. Maybe its just to make the most of what you have. Living in Ohio has been good. I’m having fun with the family. I’ve met some great people.

We’ll see what happens in November 2009.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia , life, november

Back to the Motherland

I am back in California this week for work. I am so loving the weather and being with friends. As usual the week is a whirlwind of activity and people. I hardly know where to do or what to do first. I feel like a cartoon character whose feet are moving 8 million miles an hour.

When I came back last month it felt weird. I was acutely aware of the fact that I didn’t live here anymore. Everything felt odd, I didn’t know where I belonged or what I was supposed to do. This time it felt like coming home. I wanted to go back to our condo, with my roommates and to my stuff.

In someways I feel like I never left. I have amazing friends that keep up with me and stay connected to me so being here with them is just a continuation of a perpetual conversation. Only now instead of wracking up the minutes on the phone it’s in person, over a delicious meal, or while doing something we love, like riding Tower of Terror. In some ways, I feel more like me when I’m here. It’s more familiar. I know where I am. I know how to get most places. The routine is familiar. The people are known.

But I am also acutely aware that I am not supposed to be here right now. This is time for faith stretching, discovering new parts of me, making new friends (with my family), learning to trust in the unknown. I still don’t have answers to the questions God is asking of me and that I am asking him. In many ways its easier to live with that confusion and uncertainty in the unfamiliar, because then I have no way or desire to wrestle control away from him. I need him everyday for sanity. I depend on him everyday for direction. I have to seek him in ways I never had to here.

It’s still hard. I still really don’t like Ohio. I’m still often bored. But in Ohio God has my undivided attention, I have nothing else to do. I hope I learn quickly. I learn better through adversity. I’m just stubborn like that.

Filed under: About Me, Living in LA LA Land, Living in Ohio, Spiritual Formation , distraction, God, Ohio, trust

Rennaisance Marti

In light of spring and it’s implication of all things new I have decided to broaden my horizons and explore unknown parts of my creativity through the acqusition of new skills and talents.

The first talent on my list is that of gardener. I helped all day yesterday and today in the yard with the grunt work to get to my real task of planting flowers and prepping the ground to have a garden. We bought flower seeds, herb seeds, starter trays, potting soil and other gardening accoutrements yesterday at Wal-Mart. The task for today is to get the seeds planted in the little trays. I have never really undertaken this kind of work before. Most of the time I live in the city, in an apartment, with no land and no real desire to take care plants and flowers. But there is something therapeutic and relaxing about working with the soil and in the yard. So we’ll see how this goes.

My second project is that of sewing. The extent of my current sewing skills is buttons. I can however sew on a mean button. Normally I don’t have the patience for this kind of thing. But yesterday at Wal-Mart mom ran to the craft section to see what they had. This is a ritual of hers since she loves all things crafty and sewy. As I “patiently” waited for her to peruse the fabric and beads I started to flip through the pattern catalog. I saw this really cute little bag. It was in the “easy” section so I decided to give it a try. Should be interesting. I did however find very cute fabric, so I’m excited, for now.

Well I’m off to get the plants started.

Filed under: About Me, Living in Ohio , garden, sewing

Two Months In

Well I have now been in Ohio for two months.

The sun greeted me this morning, for the second time since I got here. It appeared almost as a reassurance that spring is coming inspite of near constant 30 degree temperatures.

As my contracted freelance work winds down I’m beginning to ramp up my job search. I’m applying anywhere I’m willing live. So far its Colorado, Chicago, Nashville and around here. I find that I keep applying for marketing jobs because that’s what I know. But I don’t know if I want to be in marketing still. After almost 10 years I’m ready for a change. I think. I’m still reeling from the last big change I made. Maybe a little continuity would be good.

After my recent trip to Pittsburgh I realized that where I live is not a city, it’s a town. There is a difference. We have little to no culture, architecture, theatre, etc. I miss the city. I miss smog. I miss people. I miss traffic. I’m homesick.

Filed under: About Me, Living in Ohio, Working

Back in the Baking Saddle

For my brother’s birthday party, my sister-in-law asked us to bring something that reminded us of him. I brought chocolate chip cookies. As kids he would beg me to make them so he could use them in trades at school for homework, favors and treats for girls. I relished the chance to tell his friends about the Mike they don’t know, yet.

What I didn’t know was that my mom has a kitchen-aid stand mixer. Oh yea. That’s girl heaven right there. It was so fun to use. I forgot how much I enjoy baking. When I was in high school I did it all the time. I would bake cakes, from scratch, for church functions, fund-raisers, anniversaries and birthdays. I was so into it.

When I went to college I didn’t have a kitchen, then I didn’t have all the kitchen accoutrement, room or time. So I switched to boxed cakes or just buying it.

After the cookies I’ve gone in a small baking frienzy. I have many baking projects in mind. I’m going have to be careful not too sample too many. Perhaps I shall tackle sugar-free baking.

My next project are red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting for Easter dessert tomorrow. Erika and I did a cupcake tour of LA and the red velvet was the baseline to judge all bakeries. I had never had one before. They are quite unique and delicious. I love anything red so I was happy with them

So now I get the chance to make my own. I used Paula Deen’s recipe, figuring if I could trust anyone to be my guide into these southern tradition it would be her.

So far so good. I just took the cupcakes out of the oven. Of course I had to taste one, they’re little red pillows of moist deliciousness. I forgot how relaxing this is for me. It’s akin to taking pictures. It brings me such joy and I love watching other people enjoy it. Who knows what else I’ll tackle. For now I’m off to make cream cheese frosting.

This is also a great way to pass cold Ohio days. We’re supposed to get more snow next week. i kid you not.

Filed under: About Me, Cooking and Food, Living in Ohio , baking, Kitchen Aid mixer, Paula Deen, red velvet cupcake

One Month Down

It dawned on me the other day that I have officially been an Ohio resident for a month now. I can honestly say it has gone by very fast. I don’t know what I expected, but its been good.

It’s been awesome to reconnect to my family. I like having them around and I think they like having me here too.

It’s been cold. There’s been lots of snow and ice. I’ve played a lot of Guitar Hero. I unfortunately don’t have much more to say about it.

It has taken me a while to wind down from the whirlwind that was December and January. I still have no clue what I’m going to do next.

I guess its just one day at a time. To celebrate my monthaversary I’m going back to California for a week. LOL. I can’t wait to be warm.

Filed under: About Me, Living in Ohio, Mi Familia , adjustment, Ohio