What I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

I have struggled to find a career I am passionate about since I graduated from college.

I have a B.A. in journalism I knew I wasn’t going to use, in the traditional way. I stumbled into a career in marketing, at which I’m very proficient but don’t really count myself on a definite career track. I also have a master’s degree I don’t presently use. It’s all a hodge-podge, mish-mash of experience, industry and skills. How it all fits together, I have no idea.

I know at work I enjoy a challenge, creativity, time to work alone, and working on something I believe in. I can’t have just a job. I have to feel motivated by the product or cause at hand. Yet, this is all very vague and lacking in a specific direction, vocation or industry.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I could do a myriad of things. So what makes a job satisfying, maybe its more than the tasks. I know environment counts for a lot. The people you work with are a huge factor. But in this economy can you afford to be choosy? Or do you have to take what comes your way? I have to believe it does matter that there are still career dreams to be fulfilled.

In this “down” time while I’m helping my dad and watching my nephews I have decided to explore my options, my heart and try to figure out what’s next in my life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

All big lofty questions and perhaps a bit rhetorical. But I need to get focused on my life and what I want to be instead of getting lost in other people’s dreams, ambitions and needs. Some of this feels a bit selfish. But I don’t want to wake up in six years, when I’m 40, wondering what the hell I’m doing still babysitting my nephews.

Rather than just fall into something else I want to be a little more deliberate this time. Maybe I know myself a bit better this time around. I hope I’ve learned something about myself in the last 16 years, since I last addressed this topic at 18. So I’m going to explore personality, interests, passions, and long-lost dreams to try and figure it all out. I’ll keep ya posted as I move forward.

Filed under: Working

Un-anniversary

Today would have been my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary.

I suppose it still is, but they’re on the verge of a divorce. It’s odd when your parents separate when you’re an adult. I mean you have your own life. My brother even has his own family.

Although, in some ways you do feel like you’re a kid again. Your parents’ marriage is a part of the foundation of your life. How they feel about each other means something to your own wellbeing for better or worse. How they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why everyone needs therapy.

This has been going on since February, so we’ve been living it for a while. I do feel divided. I have to learn new boundaries. I have to divide my time. Holidays are strange. I am bouncing back in forth between their two houses because I want them both to be okay. I know it isn’t my job or responsibility to do that but I’m a caretaker. But I’ve learned that I can’t be their confidant. I can’t listen to the negative about either of them. I didn’t get to choose my parents I just have to learn how to love them. They got to choose each other and can’t seem to figure out how to do it either.

So it’s a sad day as a child, an adult and a bystander. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. I knew there were problems but I really thought they’d work them out. We were used to the dysfunction. We were accustomed to how things were. I never thought they’d give up. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused.

I wonder where we’ll go from here as a family. My mom now lives 30 minutes away. My brother isolates himself. I feel like I’m in the middle. My dad is just silent. Maybe we’re finally showing on the outside how we’ve been living for the last 20 years. Reality is hard to face.

I have to believe there is redemption of somesort. I want to believe that our family will in some way be better or all of this. I suppose that is up to us as individuals. At the end of the day its their marriage. It is their lives. We all have to move forward. We all have to mourn in our own way. I just hope at the end of the day we find a new way to overlap our lives and don’t all slide in different directions.

Filed under: Mi Familia , adult children, anniversary, divorce, family, family dynamics, marriage

Funny Nephew Moments

My nephews are a hoot. I know they drive me crazy, a lot, but generally I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I realized that this summer they have done and said some doozies so for posterity I am recording them here, mostly for me, but you might enjoy them too.

1. My dad took Mikey and Jordy fishing a couple of weeks ago. After getting the line tangled five or six times they finally decided to take a break. Mikey laid out on the grass and raised his shirt and said he wanted to get a tan on his stomach. Jordy flopped on the grass, raised his shirt and announced, “I want to get a nipple tan.”

2. One day Jordy walked into the factory and declared, ” I am here to bring joy to the factory.” LOL and he does.

3. Mikey is a child that has to know three or four steps ahead of where we are. He likes the agenda for the day in the morning. On a trip he wants to know where we’ll stop and what we’ll do when we get there. Once there he needs to know the procedures and directions. When you’re done he wants to know what’s next. One day coming out of Sam’s Club he was asking what was next. Not satisfied with the answer we gave he kept asking. Finally out of exasperation Jordy shouted, “Up your anus and to the left.” I guess that was specific enough for Mikey because he got quiet.

4. Last week I picked up the boy from VBS, which they declared to be the same as last year, just with a new theme. To entertain himself Mikey taped a note to himself that read, “I give girls free hugs, so go ahead and ask for one.” He said all he got were pity hugs.

5. At the end of Spring we had an international art exhibit of Kimono’s come to Canton. We were one of two stops they made in the U.S. Jordy was really excited to see them and kept asking me to take him. I was kind of surprised by that but one day gave in. The kimono’s were beautiful. Each one took a year to make. But Jordy buzzed through the exhibit in like 10 minutes. After circling the main room a few times he came back to where I was and asked, “Where are the animals?” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he went on, “Yea I want to see the kimodo’s, that is what they said would be here.” LOL. We never did find the dragons.

6.  A few weeks ago to distract Mikey and Jordy from fighting I decided to make cupcakes. Jordy, who loves to help, volunteered to be in the kitchen with me. I asked him to read all the ingredients so I could pull them from the cupboard. Then he was actively involved in stirring and prepping all items for the cupcakes and frosting. Half way through he said, “This is a like an advanced cooking class with my aunt.” Awww…. I love that. Memories.

That’s all I can think of right now. I don’t want to forget one cute moment with them.

Filed under: Mi Familia , nephews, aunt, memories, sentimental