Being vs Doing April 20, 2008

The other night I had a great conversation with a friend from California. I miss my friends so much. While I love being with my family they weren’t really part of the last 15 years of my life. The majority of my history is with friends. So I miss that part of me. I miss hanging out. I miss experiencing life with them.

Anyway, Debbie and I had an amazing conversation catching up on life and I got a chance to think out loud about my life here in Ohio. I find myself growing restless (shocker I know). I want to know what’s next. Where am I going? What will I do? What job will I have? Where will I live? As I processed this outloud I realized another reason why I’m here. I have to learn how to be still.

I am Martha.

It is more than my name it is a state of mind. I so identify with Martha in the bible. She was organized, efficient, and worried about taking care of people. She nearly missed out on being with Jesus because she was concerned with the household chores. Jesus actually rebuked her attitude.

I am like that. I am master of details, a schedule and planning. I lived my life constantly on the go. I had every night booked. I hated to be quiet. I never sat still. I wasn’t comfortable doing nothing. It made me antsy and anxious. It felt like I was wasting time. There had to be a purpose to everything. I lived a life completely overstimulated.

Cut to, moving to Ohio. There really is nothing to do here. I kid you not. For four to five months out of the year you’re stuck inside, and that’s just winter. This year we had record snow falls, up to 20 inches one weekend. Forget about summer where its so flippin hot that just walking outside requires another shower. Not to mention the nuclear sized bugs that have the power to eat you alive.

At first it was nice to relax, settle down, and enjoy the quiet life. That wore off, after about 6 weeks. I have started to go a little stir crazy. itching to get out, do something, go somewhere. A big day for me now is going to Wal-Mart, playing Guitar Hero with my nephews, and baking some cookies. I don’t even recognize myself. I often fight against slipping into a sort of depression. I have no energy. I sleep all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my life. Who I am I now?

I am finding I have to force myself to think of the benefits. It’s nice to have no schedule sometimes. I am free to go and do anything during the day. I am free to wander off and explore unknown areas - where, no idea, but I could if Ohio quickily sprouted something to look at.

I need to be grateful for this time to unwind, figure out what I want and just be. I am not what I do. I am not where I go. I need to be still. This applies to my relationship with God as well. I’m finding that the more quiet I can become the more I can hear him. Shocker. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

I have to create space for him in my life, beyond church, beyond rushing through devotions, and beyond reading spiritual books. I’m learning to discover how to just sit with him. It’s so hard. I tried to sit in silence a few weeks ago and I think I got maybe 10 good minutes in. The rest of the time my mind wandered to a million topics ranging from weather to world peace. I gave up.

But I can say I am beginning to settle down. As my brain unwinds it’s amazing how much easier it is to concentrate on anything, not just God. I am learning simple pleasures. I feel like I’m in a detox program of somesort. Now that I’m off the overstimulation of life in CA I can really smell the roses. I’m enjoying my gardening and baking. LOL. It feels so pendantic but its been great.