No Sense of Time February 18, 2008

I have no schedule. I have no set time I need to be up and around. I don’t need to be anywhere. For someone with a strong sense of obligation and duty, it is a very odd feeling.

Now that I am not working 9-5 I am free to come and go as I please. Most of the time I don’t know what to do with myself and I find that I just wander around aimlessly. I fritter away a lot of time, as much as I fritter money sometimes. You know that feeling when you pull $60 out of the ATM and like a day later its gone. You know you took the money out. You might remember buying something at Starbucks but beyond that you have no idea what you spent it on, but you know it’s gone.

Yea, that’s what happens with my days. I know I got up. I know I showered. I know I got some work done but beyond that I have no idea what I did. There are so few markers to my days. I don’t have meetings to rush to. There are no pressing commitments every night. No dinners out with friends. There is the occassional family to do, but nothing really that I’m responsible for outright.

I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephews, which has been fun. They’re a blast. I am getting better at Guitar Hero 3. I have also gotten better at scraping snow off my car. It’s amazing how time consuming that is. You have to add an additional 20 minutes of time to prep your car to leave the driveway. I’m also driving a lot slower because I’m afraid of spinning out on the ice. So there is a chunk of time there. Ok, so maybe I do know where my time goes it just seems a little trivial.

Well it’s 1:02 a.m. I should get to sleep. Why? I have no idea. I’ll get up at my usual time of 10 and putter around, til I get some coffee. Wander a little and probably clean something. Then I’ll sit down and work a few hours. Then its time for lunch.

Maybe I should get more disciplined. I need a schedule. I need to spend more time praying. I have the time, why is it hard to sit and pray, read, journal and spend time with God. I have no idea. That is what this time was supposed to be about. I need to get on that.

Weekend with the Girls February 17, 2008

On Friday, after mom got off work, we headed five hours west to the great state of Indiana to visit my grandma, aunt and cousins. The plan was to check into the local Best Western in Gas City (not kidding, that’s the name of the town) and hang out.

So we drove over the hills, through the woods to grandma’s house out in the boonies of rural Indiana. It was actually a pretty drive. The light dusting of snow over the hills made it stunning. It’s amazing how many different kinds of barn construction there are, some are red with regular roofs, others are white with six point barn roofs, others are stone and round. Unfortunately my camera batteries were dead and I couldn’t get any photos of the sun setting down through the trees glistening over the snow.

Finally we arrived and grandma was waiting with my favorite soup from childhood, brownies and diet pepsi. It was a fantastic homecoming. It was so good to see her, the last time was when she was visiting my Uncle up in San Francisco last April.

My grandma and I are kindred spirits. She’s a hoot, very creative, sarcastic and incredibly strong. I love spending time with her. We talked about music, art, boys, movies, religion, politics and anything else that strikes our fancy. Her favorite musicians right now are: Madeleine Poyreaux, Ed Anderson and Corinne Bailey Rae.

My aunt didn’t join us until Saturday afternoon. While we were waiting for her we drove to the nearby Fairmount, IN, home of James Dean. We had to stop into the local James Dean gallery. It was creepy. Located in someone’s home it was full of all things James Dean and retro 50s. You could find a myriad of plastic dishes, hollywood biographies, Dean movies, calendars, books, etc. I wonder if we were the first visitors in a while. The town itself looked like it was stuck in time. The library was in someone’s home, the diner downtown was still open and there was only one stoplight. I’d go nuts in a down like that. It was fascinating to visit and when my aunt called to say she was close I was glad to leave.

She came with her two girls and we had such a good afternoon of yakking, reminiscing, teasing each other and eagerly planning our next weekend. My grandmother wants to take us to Southern Indiana where she grew up. One of her friends in high school was none other than Florence Henderson, so that should be enlightening as well. These moments are the reason I moved back. I’m so glad I was here!

Snow Day February 12, 2008

I woke today to the sound of squeels and laughter. I knew immediately what it was, the boys were here. School was cancelled again. This time due to freezing temperatures and the falling snow that promised to leave more than 4 inches on the ground.

So I went downstairs to find them playing video games and tormenting each other. Then we played four games of Skipbo where Mikey cheated unsuccessfully. It was fun.

The snow continued to fall, temperatures continued to drop and I stayed indoors. While snuggling deeper into my flannel I got near constant reports of the 74 degree temperatures in So Cal as friends stolled along the beach, basked in the sun and wore short-sleeved shirts.

Instead of sun, Mom and I braved the weather and drove to Sally’s Beauty Supply to get hair dye. Hair improvement is the perfect way to spend a winter evening.

I guess its all about trading one good thing for another. I’m still adjusting to my new world. In many ways I feel like it’s shrunk A LOT. It’s just so different.

Change of Pace February 11, 2008

So far my life in Ohio has been pretty mellow.

I still feel like I’m on vacation. My parents are trying to get as much time with me as possible. It’s nice, but a little much on occassion.

The thing that is hardest to get used to is the weather. I have never had so many conversations about it, paid more attention to the sky (because snow clouds are easy to spot), or been so cold in my life. It is bone-chillingly frigid right now. Today I didn’t even leave the house. The winds were blowing, snow was falling and it was only 10 degrees. But with the wind chill factor it was below zero. Oh yes. It was coooold.

So instead of taking a day trip (like I would have in CA) or even just going to Wal-Mart like I need to do, I decided to rearrange my mom’s pantry. It was major entertainment for our house for a few hours. It became a family affair. Then we cooked together and ate. Oh yes, these are the exciting adventures that take up my day.

But I have NO desire to go outside. It is too cold. There is very little snow on the ground it is just FREEZING. If I sit still too long I get cold and feel like I’ll never be warm again.

I now understand why so many babies are born nine months after winter. No one goes outside. The streets are empty. It’s ridiculous. UGH!

This afternoon my big activity was to inspect the damaged boxes that arrived on Friday. Note to self, never send anything heavy through USPS. Several of my boxes of books arrived half empty. I guess that made them lighter, but not exactly ideal. Especially since they were my yearbooks and journals. I thought my babybook was in one of those boxes, but I found it in another box. Luckily I had insurance on some of these boxes, but most of those things can’t be replaced.

After all the exhausting activities of the afternoon we settled down tonight in front of the fire to watch tv. We watched How to Lose in a Guy in 10 Days. Now we’re onto Extreme Makeover Home Edition. This is the life.

The big news of the night is that there is wind chill advisory in the area. Schools are already closed for tomorrow. That’s right. It’s too freaking cold to go to school. I don’t know if I’ll make it out either.

Who knows what indoor house project I’ll tackle for tomorrow.

Reframing: A Brand New Day February 7, 2008

I woke up this morning still feeling exhausted, lost, confused and unsure.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am stripped of everything that I have ever identified myself with: job, school, friends, boyfriend, state, etc. It’s all gone. I am down to just me. There is no longer anything to hide behind. I am truly naked, metaphorically anyway. While its healthy to grieve I can feel myself slipping into self-pity, letting the fear take over.

As I contemplated this situation one fact kept coming back to mind, I chose this. I didn’t have to move back to Ohio but I did. I also choose how I react. I can leave. I can mope. I can make myself miserable. OR I can decide to see what God has for me. I can look for adventure. I can meet lots of new people. I can embrace this change and enjoy the ride.

I need to refocus my mind, otherwise loneliness, uncertainty and fear will stop my growth before it even starts.

So today I decided to open my mind and embrace Ohio. I focused on getting settled. I unpacked a little, made room for me in the bathroom and kitchen. This is my home for now. I want to feel comfortable here. I even convinced my mom to change the hardware on the kitchen cabinets. I’ve organized some of the cupboards and am planning on reaccessorizing the bathroom.

I think I might need to remind myself of this new perspective daily, if not hourly.

Day 5: Arrival in Ohio February 5, 2008

Missing his family Mike, the primary driver, was determined to get from Kansas to Ohio today. We made the 783 mile trip in about eight hours of heavy rain. At one point we hydroplaned across the freeway it was so wet. Mike said that if we hadn’t been so weighed down with all my stuff the car would have ended up in the ditch. So thank God for his protection and all my junk.

Undaunted Mike pressed on. I went to sleep. As the cold of the rain settled into my bones my general enthusiasm for the trip faded. We were in the home stretch. This was it. No turning back.

I took a video at the state line of Ohio, waiting for my official welcome from the state. Then at about 60 miles away I started to sob. All of the emotion was caught in my chest and throat. I couldn’t stop crying. I did not want to be there.

But we rolled in and my parents were so excited. I tried to put on a brave face until my mom hugged me and I lost it. She cried with me and we talked until about 12:30 a.m. and then I went to sleep.

It’s going to be an interesting ride.

Day 4: Time with God and Friends in KS and MO February 4, 2008

We started out the day in Wichita KS. After a lovely hot breakfast at our hotel we were off in search of IHOP in Kansas City, MO.

Not to eat but to spend time with God. See, it’s the International House of Prayer. Since 1999 people have spent 24/7 in prayer for the world and for revelation from God for our times. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Mike has friends that have been there and he’s heard stories of people healed in the parking lot, prophesy, vision and dreams emerging from this place. Now I was just a little scared.

So we arrived at a coverted strip mall with a coffee shop, bookstore, offices and a sanctuary. I was hoping to go into one of the prayer rooms, to be prayed over as I seek God’s direction, presence and peace for my next step in life. It turns out those rooms aren’t available until Thursday of this week.

So we went into the main prayer room where there is ongoing worship and well, prayer. It was a generic sanctuary full of people on laptops, some are praying, others are whispering, some are reading, and some are singing. It was very normal, for lack of a better word. I think in my head I was expecting something strange to be going on. But there wasn’t, just normal people seeking God.

So we sit down and just start praying, listening, and observing. Mike, who is much more familiar with this than I am immediately gets immersed into the moment. It takes me a little longer. Of course my mind is going 8 gamilion miles an hour. Wondering, what should I be doing? Will God speak to me? Should I sing? Should I pray? What do I pray for? So many questions. It reminded me of the first three hours of my experience with the movie Into Great Silence. Again I was having trouble surrendering to the moment. This time my mind is full of worries about the future, getting back to Ohio, all that I left behind in CA. I can’t hear God because I’m talking too much and its way too noisy in my head and heart.

But the environment is so peaceful. There is a calming presence. I began to be still. I was able to rest, after a while. I’m glad we went. I needed to stop and surrender everything to God. I needed to give him the pain, the expectations, the fear, the anxiety, the hope and my plans. I’m a little bit more ready to face the final leg of our journey and the beginning of this next phase of my life.

We spent the second half of our day with a former co-worker and his wife. They were gracious enough to let us stay with them in Kansas City and give us an official tour. We had delicious Kansas City BBQ, saw The Plaza, walked around the shops and saw some great architecture. I really liked it, I highly recommend visiting. If you know Dave, give him a call and get a tour We deemed him the official ambassador of Kansas City.

It was a good day.

Day 3: Big Texan, Back Roads, Dorothy in Oz February 3, 2008

Today was a mixture of emotions, landscapes and sites.

We started in Albuquerque, New Mexico, travelled through the Texas panhandle, the Oklahoma lowlands and have ended the day in Kansas. That’s a whole lot of nothing. Honestly the most boring landscape on the planet. It’s flat, bland and we encountered some seriously weird people. It’s the heartland of America no one wants to talk about.

Our first siteseeing stop of the day was in Amarillo, Texas. The goal was to see Cadillac Ranch and the Big Texan. We only made it to the Big Texan. If you’re anywhere near Amarillo you really need to stop to see this homegrown kitsch that reeks of tackyliciousness. The steaks were good. The deserts were big and the tea was fresh brewed.

Our GPS had no idea where the ranch was and we decided to press on. However what it did find for us were the back roads of America. We travelled to Wichita, over 300 miles, through the small blips on the map that you wish you could avoid. You know the roads where its 70 mph one second and then you enter a 45 mph zone, which is where the cops catch you in a speed trap and give you a ticket. Yep, Mike got one. But he was a very nice cop. One of the nicest I’ve ever met.

The highlight of the flat, ugly lands was that it took us through Liberal, KS where we got to see Dorothy’s house. That’s right we got to visit Auntie Em’s home. It was closed when we got there but it didn’t stop us from taking lots of pictures and taking the time to swing. It was fun.

I also got to see the small hamlet where my brother spent one very eventful year of his life in college. It is the infinitesimal town of Haviland, KS. Population is 700 whopping peeps. Entering into the town my heart sank. I just can’t imagine living there. I don’t know how he survived. But it was a glimpse into a part of his life that I was not apart of. So it was good.

Finally we arrived in Wichita at 11 p.m. The hard part was finding out hotel. The clerks, who speak little to no English has no idea how to get us from the road to their business. We gave up and just found another hotel. Talk about frustrating.

Nothing about today went as we expected. It was the height of frustration and irritation. As I sat on these yesteryear roads, waiting over 100 miles to find an open gas station to pee and fill up the tank I began to wonder what in the hell I was doing. I just wanted to go home, home to CA. I want to go back to our condo, with my roommates and just watch a movie. I longed for the familar. My chest began to tighten and it was a little harder to breathe. A sense of panic tried to settle into my bones. What in the world am I doing? I have no idea, I just know that I have to do this to grow in a way that I couldn’t in CA.

There were a lot of forced breaths, panicked text messages to friends and some tears. I have no idea what’s going to happen.

There is some metaphor for my life right now on those back roads and everything that we experienced today but I’m too tired to find it. All I pray is that God fill every minute with his peace, presence, clarity, wisdom and guidance. Help me Jesus.

Day 2: Grand Canyon, Painted Desert February 2, 2008

We started off the day in snowy Flagstaff. It felt like it was about 5 degrees outside, but Mike informs me that it was actually 20. But honestly at those temperatures what’s the difference?

After a dismal continental breakfast at the hotel we headed for the grand canyon. I’ve been once, right after college but Mike had never seen it. So we drove the hour into the part and I forgot how majestic it is. The grand canyon is so spectacularly beautiful. Standing on the edge of the rim I was mesmerized. A friend recently told me that looking at the grand canyon made him more aware of how amazing God is. He created something so expansive and awesome and yet knows him intimately. While he feels so small he knows that God is so very big.

After wandering around Mather Point for over an hour we walked around the park a little and then headed out. I was so tired. I think it was exercising at 8000 feet, or maybe the chaos of the last 3 weeks finally caught up with me. I have no idea but once we got back in the car I was out. I woke up about an hour or so later and remember that I wanted to see the Painted Desert.

So off we went on the 180 towards the Petrified Wood National Park. Once we were on Route 66 we passed the Wigwam Motel in Holbrook, AZ. Each teepee has a classic car in front of it. It’s tackily delicious.

We arrived at the park at 3:30 and it closes at 5 p.m. so we drove the 28-mile road through the park in just an hour. We didn’t have the time to give it, it’s due. But my favorite sections are the blue mesa, the teepees and the painted desert. IThe range of color is fantastic from purple, to gray, to red. After a while it was overwhelming, to much to take in. Too big to contemplate. Then our time was up and we ended out day in Albuquerque.

A great day of beauty and conversation. I think Mike and I are getting used to each other. We haven’t spent this much time together since I was in high school. We have to learn how to be friends again. We were best friends growing up, but as adults our lives have gone in two very different directions. He got married and had kids. I went to college, grad school and focused on my job and friends. We’re pretty different people.

I realized before I left that my closest friends in CA know me better and different than my real family does, who only see me once a year. Learning to know them again is going to be interesting. I already miss my friends terribly. I’m also petrified about having to make all new friends in Ohio. I’m so not ready to have the same conversation over and over again. I don’t want to have to date for friends. Since you know that finding good friends is like finding a good man, almost a downright miracle. UGH. I’m sick of dating.

I’m tired. I would even go as far to say weary. At 800 miles into my trip back to Ohio I can’t remember why I’m doing it. I am so heavy with the knowledge and feeling of what I’ve left behind. I’m sure my feelings will contrinue to fluctuate. I just have to rest in the knowledge that this is a journey for growth in Christ, a journey to heal and a journey to discover what God has next for me.

But in the meantime I’m just a bit sad.

Day 1:Out of CA February 2, 2008

After a crazy week of saying goodbye, packing and working full time Mike and I are on our way to Ohio.

It was a lot harder to pack up, prep to move and work full time than I imagined. Sometimes you just can’t do everything. I know I left some loose ends, things undone and I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to before I left. But the ending was still good.

I really don’t think I would have made it without my brother. He was quite the support, helping me to stay on track, load boxes, get stuff shipped out and make sure all of my crap actually fit in the car. I am so glad he was there with me.

Last night I had a great prayer time with Tina and Janine as we left our apartment. Then Lisa graciously let us stay at her house last night. It was fun to hang out with her.

Today I had my exit interview, where I was very honest about why I was leaving the organization, worked a few hours, packed up my office, closed my bank account in CA, went to lunch and THEN we left. LOL. It was insane.

We got on the road at about 3:30. It took us about two hours to go about 50 miles, but then we sailed on through to Flagstaff, our first stop. We arrived at midnight to about a foot of snow. It was odd. I really didn’t recognize it. It is really cold here.

Overall, the drive today went pretty fast. I was still overwhelmed, sad and stressed. The first few hours were the hardest emotionally.

Mike asked me an interesting question, has the sense of adventure kicked in yet? I don’t think it has. Now I need to fight to live in this moment with him, experience the trip, have fun. Hard to balance all the emotion at once. Some moments I’m happy, energetic and excited, other times I’m sad and think I was crazy. It really is a crap shoot to see which emotion wins in any given second.

But overall I know it will all be okay and this will all eventually subside and I’ll get back to a status quo.