I am in the throws of wrapping up my California life. For the most part I have a lot of energy and a lot of help so I’m doing okay. Erika came by on Tuesday to get me officially organized, and to kick my butt into packing mode. It works. She is amazing!! I think that could really be her next job.
Most of the time I’m excited and ready to move on. Yet there are those twinges when I wonder if I let go too soon. Everyone around me is beginning to make plans for things I won’t be apart of. Since I have no vision for what my immediate future will be I start to get a little anxious and melancholy. There is a part of me that wants to stay here with what I know and where I feel secure.
At work I am in the middle of strategizing and planning for something I will not see come to fruition. There is all this excitement and energy in the planning and I want to be here to see it accomplished, but I won’t be. If I dwell in those moments too long I get sad. Today after a really great brainstorming session for a future project I started to whine and pray about my future, what it would be and what I was afraid I was missing.
In the middle of my whine/prayer a former co-worker called me to check in. I haven’t talked to her in at least five months, she didn’t know I was leaving. We chit-chatted for a few minutes to catch up. After talking to her about what God has done with her since she left and the doors that have opened up I began to feel hope for things to come. While mourning what I’m leaving behind God sent me a glimpse of possibility – hope.
I felt that certainty when I first resigned and decided to move, but I think that fades as I get into task mode, as I try to control more of the situation and as I keep looking down for the net. After I got off the phone I was so grateful for her call, now I pray for more of those moments, the divine appointments with people who will give me a taste of the good things to come. I pray for the next opportunity that God presents me and that I be ready to leap for it.
Last night in Bible Study our verse was from 1 Timothy 2:7: “For God did not give us a spirit of fear (timidity), but a spirit of power, love and discipline.” That really hit me. If I choose to live in fear with caution and trepidation of my circumstances then I have a faith problem. I am labeling this problem as impossible when there are a million verses that say otherwise. (Matt 19:26, Isa 41:13, Luke 18:27)
I need to repeat that to myself almost daily.
4 Comments
January 18, 2008 at 8:53 am
what a beautiful entry, I do not know you personally but got to your blog through other ones I read and this hits home. I come from a very small town and when I think of moving back it scares me and yet spending the rest of my life in a big city with no family scares me too… your transparency in your writing has gotten me thinking about this and decisions for my future…
January 18, 2008 at 9:48 am
I wish you the very best as you make this leap. Looking at the situation from my vantage point, this seems like a very good move. You’ve written before about feeling stuck and now you’ve taken a step that has set something (maybe you can see exactly what that Something is yet) but you’ve set something in motion. Maybe God was just waiting for you to take that step.
I send you good wishes and prayers that all will be revealed soon.
January 18, 2008 at 11:19 am
I know I keep comparing your move to mine when you’re a totally different person, buuuuut — I did feel the same way. We moved from the only state Chris & I had ever lived in to a state where we knew one family, and not very well at the time. But looking back at the past year, I don’t think I’ve ever seen God so clearly working in my life and my circumstances. We love it here and I really think God moved us here for a purpose. But it’s hard to hold on to that resolve when you’re saying good-bye to your friends and family. So remember you made this decision with a clear head and the emotion of having to say good-bye to everyone is just muddling things a bit. I’m excited for you! We’ll have to meet somewhere between CO and Ohio (I believe that would be a cornfield…)
January 19, 2008 at 5:52 am
Hey Laura, good to hear from you. You’re allowed to compare. I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement as someone “on the other side” of a big move like this. I think we do see God move more when we’re willing to risk and rely on faith instead of what we know. God is good like that. What is between CO and OH? We’ll figure that out. I need to see the new baby, who is probably like 16 by now.
Jeannine – I think you’re right about God waiting for me to get off my kiester. Thanks for the prayers.
Yeidy – thanks for visiting and commenting. I will be praying for clarity, wisdom and guidance as you make decisions about your future.