Work Goodbye January 31, 2008

Today I had my farewell breakfast at work. I’ve gotten quite the “It’s a Wonderful Life” experience this week as people come and express their love to me. You never really know what people think of you until times like this. I was shocked and surprised by some of the things said and my boss was the biggest.

He said and prayed some beautiful and amazing things. I lost it and just started bawling. But as I’ve said goodbye to people, some close and some random, I’ve been overwhelmed with how loved I am here. I know and work with some of the best people. Regardless of all the crap happening with the job and the organization I knew my department was a family. They have contributed such incredible things to my life.

Then for lunch we went down to Laguna beach for one last team outing. It was a spectacularly beautiful day with blue skies, and warm weather, everything that makes California wonderful. I was glad that I got to experience it with my team one last time.

It was a good day. I am just so grateful for this time and experience. I’m just now beginning to grasp how rich it was for me and how God was working incredible things for me and I had no idea. I’m so appreciative of this time to reflect, see and marvel at his often invisible hand at work in my life through this organization.

When my job changed for the first time, about 2 months on the job, God told me that my time there would not be able the work. For me it was about personal growth, strengthening of my character and enriching my life with people who would model grace, mercy, and compassion for me. I learned how to make mistakes gracefully. I learned how to love a lot more. I got a better glimpse of unconditional love.

Amazing. God is so good.

Empty January 28, 2008

Janine and Tina moved out today. Our house is emptier and emptier. I will be there through Thursday and then leave on Friday morning for Ohio.

It really hit me as I came home tonight that life as I knew it is over. It was depressing to walk into the empty condo. There is no life left in it. Everything that made it a home is gone.

I will miss Tina’s smiling face asking me how my day was.
I will miss Janine yelling Marrrrti as I walk in the door.
I will miss Tina mooching food from me. LOL. It really was endearing, after a while
I will miss all the girl conversations with Janine, about really inappropriate and personal topics. LOL.
I will miss living with peers, in the same stage of life with me.
I will miss having them to debrief my day/dates/people with.
I will miss the sense of home we created together.
I will miss sitting at the kitchen eat-in yakking about anything and everything with them.
I will miss their generous hospitality. Everyone was always welcome at our house.

We are all so amazingly different. Sometimes I’m shocked one of us didn’t die and then there are those moments when it just worked. Maybe same sex roommates are a prep for marriage. Who knows. I do know that I learned so much from them this year. I was so blessed to be able to share a house with them.

So thank you Janine and Tina for helping to shape and mold me. You will forever be apart of me and I’m so glad that you’ll always be in my life somehow.

Dreams of Parents, Sink Holes and Betrayal January 25, 2008

I have been having some seriously freaky dreams lately.

The first was last week I dreamed that when I went home to Ohio I discovered my parents were secret drug users. It was so odd. I was just perplexed and weirded out.

Then a couple of nights ago I dreamed that I went to the ocean with my mom. I was still up by the car and my mom was down on the sand. All of the sudden a giant sink hole opened up in the sand and swallowed everyone on the beach. I watched her disappear. I was frantic, panicked and freaked out. I actually woke up in a cold sweat and crying. How strange is that.

Then last night I dreamed that a friend betrayed me. I told her something in confidence that she revealed in an open forum. I was so angry. I went to her to ask her why she did it and she just blew me off.

I’m sure these are just all emotions about moving, fear of the unknown, and anxiety about life in general. That and I have been eating later lately, so maybe they’re just food dreams.

Love from Ohio January 22, 2008

Apparently my brother is getting used to the idea of me living in Ohio because he has moved from cautious disapproval to all out welcome wagon.

As the singles pastor at his church he has taken it upon himself to find me friends. He knows me pretty well it will be interesting to see who he has found for me. As long as he sticks to just friends, and not dates, we’re all good.

My mom is at least sticking to finding me companies and jobs to apply to, that I know of. She has done a search on good companies in the area and sent me a couple. Knowing her I’m sure there has been announcements to all she knows that I’m coming and that I need friends and a job.

In all seriousness, I’m very grateful for all of their efforts. It means they’re excited about me coming back. I feel the love and the warm fuzzies have officially begun. I know I can take all of the prayers and sincere efforts I can get.

Saying Goodbye - Muppet Style January 21, 2008

While I know intellectually I am leaving I don’t really feel I’ve fully wrapped my brain around the idea of it. I keep talking about it. I’m planning for it. But I’m in total task mode just trying to get everything done. There are a gamillion details. When do I have time to emote? No idea.

So, it was recommended to me that I start to remind myself that this is the last time I will go to the beach, see this person, do this whatever here in CA. It feels a little artificial that way, but I have been doing it sort of. I’ve gone on a tour of my favorite places and restaurants with some of my favorite people. Last week it was Versailles with Lisa, El Gaucho Grill on Friday with Debbie, Huntington Gardens on Saturday with Erika and Bucca de Beppo on Sunday with Janine, Lisa, Tina and Colleen. But it just feels like a normal week. I’m always that busy.

Maybe the leaving part doesn’t hit until I’m actually gone. Maybe it will hit me as I drive away. Maybe it won’t hit until I’m in Ohio, alone, bored, friendless and broke wondering if I made the right decision. Or maybe it will be when I return and realize I don’t live here anymore. No idea. So instead I turn to the muppets to help.

I came across this song they sang in Muppets Take Manhattan when the gang has to separate. It is cheesy, corny and perfect.

“Saying Goodbye”
written by Ralph Burns and Jeff Moss

(At a train station)
Piggy: Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye’s such a hard thing to say
Kermit: Touching our hands, wondering why
Both: It’s time for saying goodbye.

(On a country road with Scooter on bicycle)
Scooter: Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we’ve had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It’s time for saying goodbye.

(In the back of a truck with Camilla)
Gonzo:
Don’t want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes its better to go

(On a Greyhound bus)
Rowlf:
Somehow I know, we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when

(On the roadside, hitchhiking)
Floyd: You’re in my heart, so until then
Electric Mayhem: It’s time for saying goodbye.

(In a freight train car)
Fozzie:
Somehow I know, we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart so until then
Wanna smile
Wanna cry
Saying goodbye

All except Kermit & Fozzie:
La la la la, la la la la
It’s time for saying goodbye
La la la la, la la la la
La la la la-la la la.

Garage Sale Musings January 20, 2008

Today we had a garage sale to try and empty out as much of our house as possible. It’s a little odd to do that in a gated community. But we put our ad in the penny saver, on craigslist and posted signs in the neighborhood.

One member of our small group offered to stand at the gate with a sign and try and lure people into our place. She did manage to get a date out of the deal, so it was worth it for her.

We had decent traffic flow all day. We got rid of a lot, so that’s all that matters.

You know you’re in South Orange County when people coming to the sale were asking for name brands like Coach, Juicy, Seven, etc. It was just funny. We all looked at each other and just laughed. Then there are those that want to bargain for everything. Many items were sold for a dollar and they would ask if we’d take less. It’s like, lady, its a dollar.

It’s also always interesting the cross section of people you meet. Most are very nice. They all want to know why you’re getting rid of your stuff. Our simple story was that we were moving to Ohio. But in hindsight I wish we had made up something interesting, like we’re on the run from the law. We only have three months to live. You know, something fun and festive. But we stuck with the easy explanation.

I also discovered that there is a sub-culture of individuals who are professional garage sale shoppers. A few today recognized each other from various other sales, compared where they were going today and gave each other tips on the best buys. Another subset of this population are those who are buying at garage sales to then go and sell the items in Mexico. They were mainly looking for electronics, which are much more expensive there.

We also managed to attract the resident crazy lady, who stayed for hours (literally) and wanted to chat. It was all quite interesting.

All I know is that I’m exhausted, but grateful that a lot of stuff sold.

Highs and Lows January 19, 2008

Last night Lisa and I trekked 60 miles one way to LA to eat dinner at my favorite cuban restaurant, Versailles, with my favorite couple, Thomas and Erika. It was so worth it! We had a fantastic dinner full of good conversation and lots of laughter. We even made it to LA in about an hour instead of the usual two hours or more. It was awesome.

Until we get home to find out that Lisa’s car was towed out of our parking lot. It seems that the reigning parking Nazi’s decided to strike. Apparently you have to display a visitor parking pass to be there. When we received the passes we were told that they only had to be displayed if the car was going to be there overnight.

I mean we have small group peeps park there every Monday. Tons of friends show up at any given time and leave within a few hours. For heaven sakes, Lisa had her car parked there all weekend without a tag (I completely forgot about the rule). So it was completely random and you are given NO warning. It cost $130 to get it back. I feel SO awful. UGH!

One good thing about Ohio, lots of parking.

Timely Devotional January 18, 2008

My devotional today is very apropos for me right now.

After these events, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield; your reward will be very great.” (Gen. 15:1, Holman CSB)

So saith the Lord. I love it when He does that. The devotional goes on to say that fear is a human response to problems, but God’s response is hope.

I think that will need to be my mantra for the next couple of days, weeks and months. I know it was time to move. I feel good about leaving my job. Now its about trusting the plan God has for me.

A friend reminded me yesterday that just because all of this is new to me, it isn’t new to God. That really hit me. I mean in my head I know that God is completely all-knowing. But I forget the practical application of that in my day-to-day life.

So in the face of the unknown I have to remember that God has a history of providing courage and strength. He’s in the business of guiding his children. I just have to keep surrendering and stop trying to control. So let go is the other part of my mantra. I need to learn how to enjoy the ride. I want to be front car, no hands - it’s ok to scream!

Moment of Hope January 17, 2008

I am in the throws of wrapping up my California life. For the most part I have a lot of energy and a lot of help so I’m doing okay. Erika came by on Tuesday to get me officially organized, and to kick my butt into packing mode. It works. She is amazing!! I think that could really be her next job.

Most of the time I’m excited and ready to move on. Yet there are those twinges when I wonder if I let go too soon. Everyone around me is beginning to make plans for things I won’t be apart of. Since I have no vision for what my immediate future will be I start to get a little anxious and melancholy. There is a part of me that wants to stay here with what I know and where I feel secure.

At work I am in the middle of strategizing and planning for something I will not see come to fruition. There is all this excitement and energy in the planning and I want to be here to see it accomplished, but I won’t be. If I dwell in those moments too long I get sad. Today after a really great brainstorming session for a future project I started to whine and pray about my future, what it would be and what I was afraid I was missing.

In the middle of my whine/prayer a former co-worker called me to check in. I haven’t talked to her in at least five months, she didn’t know I was leaving. We chit-chatted for a few minutes to catch up. After talking to her about what God has done with her since she left and the doors that have opened up I began to feel hope for things to come. While mourning what I’m leaving behind God sent me a glimpse of possibility - hope.

I felt that certainty when I first resigned and decided to move, but I think that fades as I get into task mode, as I try to control more of the situation and as I keep looking down for the net. After I got off the phone I was so grateful for her call, now I pray for more of those moments, the divine appointments with people who will give me a taste of the good things to come. I pray for the next opportunity that God presents me and that I be ready to leap for it.

Last night in Bible Study our verse was from 1 Timothy 2:7: “For God did not give us a spirit of fear (timidity), but a spirit of power, love and discipline.” That really hit me. If I choose to live in fear with caution and trepidation of my circumstances then I have a faith problem. I am labeling this problem as impossible when there are a million verses that say otherwise. (Matt 19:26, Isa 41:13, Luke 18:27)

I need to repeat that to myself almost daily.

Weather: California vs Ohio January 15, 2008

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the cold in Ohio. I really have no frame of reference for ongoing, constant, daily cold. I really don’t.

So I loaded some weather information for it on my google landing page. When I looked at it today I realized that I just might be crazy for moving back to Ohio in the middle of winter.

I don’t even have clothes for that kind of weather. I don’t even own a real winter coat. Visiting snow is very different from living in snow. I’m kind of starting to panic a little.

I’ve told everyone that my new greatest fear is to hit a patch of black ice, spin out in a snow bank and not be found til Spring. I don’t even really know what black ice is, but I’ve heard about it on tv and it’s never mentioned in a happy context. It usually means serious accident, hazardous weather conditions or certain death.

So this is gonna be interesting. Maybe I need to view this as diving in the deep end. If I don’t die now then I’ll survive the rest of the year. How is that for positive thinking?