Single Busy September 30, 2007

Recently someone asked me how I was doing, and I said, “good but busy.”

Her response was, “oh how many kids do you have?”

When I said I didn’t have any she was shocked that I would actually be busy.

Are single people not busy? Do we not have full lives? Are children the only thing in life that allows one to declare oneself as busy? I mean what do I do with all of my free time. I must sit around get massages and eat bon bons. Surely that is the essence of a single person’s life.

These rules have not be explained to me. I was irritated but quickly let this go and chalked it up to her being an idiot and moved on with my life.

Then tonight, in one of my groups someone asked me how I had time to send out the weekly email and then she said, “oh yea, you’re single with no family.”

Excuse me? How rude and insensitive is that? I really wanted to punch her in the face. But at church I figured that wasn’t a proper response.

My second response was to say, “I guess I’m just better at time management.” No, not a right response either.

My third response was to say, “Actually I am busy, I have a full time job, am a part of three small groups, two of which I lead. I managed to get a master’s degree and I just completed a 32 week lay counseling program. All of that and I still got the freaking email out. I am just that good.”

Instead, I took a deep breath, smiled and said, “I hope you enjoyed the email.”

I still wanted to smack her upside the head.

Feast of Love [2007] September 28, 2007

From the trailers it looked like this movie was going to be about finding real love in its varied and unexpected places.

It is a convergence of lives and stories much like Crash and Shape of the Heart. We see love play out through the innocence of youth, apathy of middle age and wisdom of maturity. Yet as much as anyone thinks they know about love, we really have no idea and are just stumbling in the dark trying to make sense of it all and in this movie they do that mostly naked.

Greg Kinnear stars as Bradley Smith, a coffee shop owner, who loses his first wife [Selma Blair]to another woman. She claims that he didn’t see her so she followed her heart to another.

Disheartened, yet optomistic, Bradley moves onto another woman, inspite of the advice from his friend, Harry Stevenson, [Morgan Freeman] to notice what is happening right in front of him. Harry, happily-married, is suffering from his own loss because he was clueless about what was happening to his child.

Oscar and Chloe, coffee shop employees, young, invincible and full of dreams take on the world, including his drunk, abusive father to start a life on their own. She jumps in even though it is predicted their love will end in tragedy.

The positive lessons of love in this movie are that:

1. You have to go in with your eyes wide open, you can’t just leap.
2. You have to pay attention and really know your lover. They aren’t simply who you need them to be at the moment you need them.
3. Love is brave and not for the weak

There were beautifully poignant moments in the middle of the mess. They are sandwiched between all of the cheesy melodrama and manufactured celluloid. You are able to truly connect with parts of the stories that are real, born out of pain and soothed with love. However, the repeated and frequent nudity in this film are completely unnecessary.

Overall, I fundamentally disagree with the portrait of love that this movie provides. Based on its definition and exploration love is undependable, selfish, fleeting, random, dysfunctional and unfaithful. We cannot so cavalierly excuse our inappropriate and hurtful behavior towards one another in the name of this kind of love.

Love has to be bigger. It’s more than just physical. It’s more than tragedy. It’s more than pathetic and desperate. I do believe that you have to surrender to love, but one that is unselfish. Love is found where you sacrifice for the good of someone else. Love means commitment, endurance, patience, joy, hope, peace, and trust. Love is a choice. Love is honor, loyalty, and respect. Few of these characteristics abide in these stories.

Feast of Love is about a buffet of love to be found in life. But more often than not its characters just gorge on desset mistaking it for meat and substance and so wonder why their stomach hurts in the end.

Allergic Reaction Explained September 27, 2007

My quasimodo face has finally been explained.

After three hours of poking, prodding, scratching, reacting, getting shots, and x-rays I finally know why my eyes, lips, cheeks, throat and tongue have been swelling beyond oblivion. I am allergic to dust, cats, trees and mold and it is triggering my asthma.

It was odd to see that just the scratch test of dust caused my back to swell just like my face. The cat test was a little less but still very reactive.

I realized that each of my previous incidences have happened at work (remember I work in a former gravel pit) and/or with people who have cats. See I knew there was a reason I hated cats. At least now I can officially say that I am allergic to work. Sweet.

I’m just glad to know what it is. I get to add a pill to my arsenal of medication but as the doc pointed out - you like to breathe right?

Plugging Along September 25, 2007

Life is generally chugging along these day without incident or crisis, which is is good.

I’m not in a terribly reflective state at the moment. I’m really busy with work, leading some groups at church and just generally hanging out with friends sampling alot of the wonders that Southern California has to offer.

I suppose it’s good that life is humming along. But if I stop to think too much I wonder what big shoe is waiting to fall on my head. Part of my glass half empty mentality. But instead, for this second, I’m good. Life is good.

So I chose to stop and say thank you God for the friends, job, place to live, small groups, ministry and family.

Five Love Languages for Singles - Acts of Service September 24, 2007

The third love language we studied is acts of service.

The love language of service is one of sacrifice and help in a time of need. This is best exemplified through Jesus, and that is what we focused on in our group. Tina did a great job leading our discussion.

We listed all of the acts of service that Jesus performed and received during the three years of his ministry: healing the sick, raising the dead, washing feet, feeding five thousand, educated the masses and dying on the cross, just to name a few. He was among the least of them, the most needy and meet their basic, most pressing needs. Thinking about how Jesus received was a new tangle for me. He received water from the woman at the well. Another woman used expensive perfume to clean his feet. Martha served him when he was in her home. So this is a love language he knew well.

Acts of service is a way of expressing a sense of responsibliity for the well-being of others.

As with all of the gifts there is a shadow side, how it can be distorted to be negative and unhealthy. For acts of service its underbelly is slavery. In slavery you are not giving because you want to but because you have to. In slavery “freedom to truly serve is lost. Slavery hardens the heart. Slavery creates angelr, bitterness, and resentment.” This isn’t love.

When you treat another person as an object, you preclude the possibility of love. Manupulation by guilt (’If you loved me, you would do this for me’) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (’You will do this or you will be sorry’) is alient to love. Love refuses to be manipulated.

I have to admit this love language is really hard for me, not to give but to receive. I think I’ve got too much experience with the black side of acts of service. For me it means vulnerability and weakness. I do not like to be needy. If I can’t do it myself I don’t really need it. Making a need be known is really an effort. If someone asks to help that’s one thing. But having to ask is quite another. This is definitely an area I need to work on.

It’s interesting that when God reveals a weakness he will continue to work on it for you. In another study this idea of vulnerability through acts of service came up again. This time it went futher to say that the inability to ask for help is evidence of a stubborn pride preventing us from letting go and asking God for help. So instead of growing, changing and maturing we cling to lifestyle that doesn’t work for us anymore but we’re suck because we operate in our own power never asking for help. Yikes. Definitely need to look at that some more.

Still, acts of service is definitely not my primary love language.

Quasimodo September 20, 2007

I have quasimodo face right now.

Lately I have had a lot of problems with allergies. Every other week or so my eyes especially and general face will swell up. This is usually accompanied by itchy ears and throat with the occassion trouble to breathe thrown in for good measure. It happens in random places with nothing out of the ordinary going on and isn’t consistently in reaction to anything.

Normally I take some benedryl, knock myself out and feel better in the morning. But not this time.

I was sitting in a meeting last night when I could feel the itchies come on. Soon both eyes were near swollen shut, I started the cough/gag and I had to get out. I tried to go to urgent care but it was closed. I went home, took the benedryl, and while it helped me breath and sleep the swelling and itchiness got worse.

So I went this morning and the doctor confirmed it an allergic reaction, gave me a shot, some prednisone and a referral to an allergy doctor.

The bummer is that our department was having a fun day at The Getty. I love the Getty. I really wanted to go. But if we can get this under control that’s even better I suppose.

Just a general pain. At least it will be under control before I go to see the Dead Sea Scroll this weekend.

Happy National Single’s Week 2007 September 19, 2007

If you’re single and you know it clap your hands.

I know being single isn’t something we always celebrate but the third week of September is National Single’s Week.

So if you are presently sans relationship partner, I encourage you to grab some fun friends and celebrate!

On Saturday two of my fabulous single friends and I are heading to San Diego to have lunch in Old town, probably at the Mexican Cafe. Then we’re off to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Natural History Museum. I can’t wait.

Last year I posted a series of articles on singleness (Single Sitcoms, Single Intentions, Single Temptations, Single Dating, Single Quote, Single Importance, and Single Conclusion)

As I look back over the posts I was struggling to come to grips with the idea of still being single in my 30s. I needed to find purpose to it. I needed to make peace with it.

I’m at a different place now. I’ll have to ponder singleness in a new way and see what I come up with.

Five Love Languages for Singles - Gifts September 17, 2007

The second kind of love language we studied are gifts.

Chapman believes that giving gifts is one of the fundamental universal languages of love, in any culture. When done in its purest, unselfish, no strings attached way it is a “visual symbol of love.”

Now to the person whose primary love language is gifts it doesn’t matter if the gift is found, made, bought, small, big, expensive, or cheap. It is about the symbolic act of giving something to them in a loving way.

However, just like everything else it too can be perverted. The wrong kind of gift giving is when you expect something in return, are using it as leverage, it cannot be a payment for anything, or used as an apology and mean the same thing.

Chapman also says this is the easiest language to learn. If we’re paying attention we will pick up on the clues others give to us about what they like, what they need, what they’re hoping for and what their interests are. If we’re good listeners we will be able to buy, make, and recognize appropriate gifts for those that are important to us.

In our small group we all drew names and made something this week. It was great to see all of the different ideas that abounded and reflected how well we know each other. It was a fun exercise.

I think for me that the great thing about gifts is that it shows how well you know someone or how well they know you. Gifts can be a disaster if you’re not paying attention. I’ve received gifts that have nothing to do with me and is more about what the other person likes or wants, that isn’t love.

I’ve also received gifts that were the longing of my soul and many times those gifts cost little or nothing. It isn’t about how much money you spend. I don’t think many guys get that in a dating relationship. Free tip for ya - we just want to know you’re paying attention. That’s all. We really aren’t that difficult, we just require a little work.

While I appreciate gifts I know it isn’t my primary love language.

Flag Girl September 16, 2007

This weekend we’re having a huge mission kick-off at church. So I get the privilege of being at all six services. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about that. But honestly I had the best time at the two services tonight.

Maybe it’s the missionary kid buried deep in my soul coming out, but it was a lot of fun to greet people at the beginning of the service and carry a flag through the sanctuary. The first service I carried the Brazilian flag in honor of Janine. In the second service I carried the flag of Mauritius. I had no idea where it was. Maybe Miss. Teen South Carolina was right and we’re all in need of maps. Who knew.

Dream of Travel - Passports and Cameras September 15, 2007

Finally a new travel dream. WHI HOO!

I dreamed that I needed to get a passport. I had a ticket leaving in a few days and I needed to go down the passport office and get an emergency one.

I got there and I didn’t have any money, passport photos, I hadn’t even filled out the paperwork. I remembered someone telling me that you have to line up at 3 a.m. to see if you get on the first list to get in to possibly get your passport. I didn’t show up until the late morning. But I walked right in.

I kept telling everyone that I didn’t have anything ready to get a passport. But the minute I said I needed something it appeared. It was exactly what I needed in the moment that I needed it. There were no lines. I just walked right up to the window. I left with my passport in a few minutes. I was ready to go.

Then in the next scene of my dream I was in Paris with three friends. We were having a great time, until I realized my camera was missing. I started searching for it everywhere and it was just gone. I had just seen it but now it wasn’t anywhere to be found.

I found a bunch of things I didn’t want, but not one of the most important things I needed to enjoy my trip. I started sobbing and woke up.

Alright, this is what the Dreammoods Dictionary says:

1. Passport - To see a passport in your dream, signifies your identity and your ability to traverse various situations. You may going through a period of finding yourself and discovering who you are. Interesting, the therapy is paying off. Whi hoo!

2. Camera - To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent your need to focus on a particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea. So to lose the camera, means I have let go of the past? This actually makes sense given a conversation I’d had earlier in the day. It’s hard to say goodbye to the past. But it is often for the best. I’m sure there are many cliches and trite statements about letting go and moving on, but I can’t think of them right now.