I was talking with a friend today, who recently broke up with her boyfriend, about post break up strategy and how we sabotage ourselves into making really bad decisions.
In the beginning you surround yourself with good friends, lots of chocolate and kleenex. Then once you get past the crying phase you head into the anger phase where you destroy photos and other evidence of said relationship. Every thing wrong with him and the relationship is crystal clear in your mind. Your friends finally tell you what they really thought and every nagging doubt you ever had is front and center in your mind.
Gradually, you stop being mopey and angry but this is when you enter the scary negotiating and bargining phase. Even after suffering through all of the pain and trauma of calling it off, or being dumped you still wonder if maybe you’ll get back together. You choose to believe that there is hope, maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe your differences weren’t that big. Perhaps he really was “the one.”
See this is when the thought of having to date again begins to take root and your friends try to set you up to help you move on. You meet a couple of freaks and the next thing you know you’re making calls to the ex. You tell yourself it’ll be different, you’ve learned so much through the experience. THESE ARE LIES. YOU’RE BEING DELUSIONAL.
So we decided that while you’re crying and angry it is important to start a list of the reasons why you broke up. You’re already replaying every conversation leading up to the break up in your head anyway, you might as well write them down.
Your reasons don’t need to make sense. They don’t need to be rational, but write down in graphic detail every reason why the relationship didn’t work. Then when you’re on this destructive train, thinking maybe he wasn’t so bad you’ll remember why you are not with him anymore.
We both have gone back for second helpings of the ridiculousness thinking things change but fundamentally they don’t. If you can white knuckle it past the bargaining phase, rooted in loneliness and a fear of the unknown then you can truly accept that the relationship is OVER and leave it in the past where it belongs.
He really hasn’t changed and neither have you. You will continue to have the same annoying conversations, fights, disagreements and issues the second and third time you try to make it work. LET GO. You can’t even begin to think of moving on until you put all delusions and hallucinations to rest.
This list will also come in handy when in a few months he gets lonely and calls you. It will also be helpful if you see signs of the same things in the next guy. This is how we can learn from our mistakes instead of being destined to repeat them.
Filed under: Relationshipping
hello marti,
just dropped by to check out the latest entry in your blog…
hope all is well.
peace.
wow, you sure that everyone goes thru all these stages?? and that deeply? is it possible to remain friends with an ex (likely after a significant time out) and not think he/she is a complete looser? does he/she automatically become a complete looser if one breaks up with them, is it possible two people just weren’t compatible and eventually realized / moved on? so drastic, lol. i take it this has happened to you (the break up you described)? guess i could always scroll down and see what you wrote regarding exes.
Everyone has their own break up story. This one just happens to apply to this one. However, I don’t think yo-yo dating the same person is always good. There are reasons you broke up, reasons why it doesn’t work for the two of you. Doesn’t mean either person is necessarily awful but why try to go back. Sometimes you just have to move on. Let go. Start anew. And I have found that in the throws of loneliness you do stupid things akin to drunk dialing. So it’s important to be clear about why the relationship ended, why it didn’t work. Otherwise you can convince yourself of very silly things.
It’s also interesting how differently men and women approach a break up. Two very different processes.
i agree, yo yo dating is no good. you mention that breaking up doesnt mean that the person is awful, but your blog made it sound like if it didnt work, then the guy is a looser with bad personal habits/inability to compromise/lack of emotional maturity. being friends isnt trying to go back and neither is acknowledging that no one was wrong, no one was bad, it just didnt work. i guess, my question is, if you become friends after some time to recoup, regroup and maybe even rebound, are you looking back, or maintaining some of the good that brought you to that person. of course i mean really truly friends, friends that can talk about each others dates, friends that arent jealous of have alterior motives (ie getting back together). i do agree, drunk dialing is not good, and knowing why the relationship ended is also very good, but how do you convince yourself to do silly things? a silly thing, is a silly thing.
also, i understand that the blog detailed a very specific sitation. everygender, every age group, everyone does things differently including breaking up. personally, once its over, i focus on making sure i am happy being on my own, if not, find out how to be. that is key, then you dont make any decion to either go back, be with someone new, or be with someone toxic, just for the sake of being with someone. i do agree, men are more adept at this, because it takes some emotional detachment. also a fuckbuddy doesnt hurt in the interim, lol.
Did you actually agree with me…shocker
Break ups suck anyway you look at it. It’s like a death. It requires time to get over. I think you’re right in that you have to learn to be alone again before jumping into anything new.
But I do know LOTS of women than hang on and jump into being friends way too fast, thinking that they’re over him but they’re not and then they get pissed when he finds a new woman. So its important to be clear with yourself why its over and don’t delude yourself or expect him to change to get back together with you.
so true, being clear is KEY. and not just with the other person but with yourself. like you said, too many people jump into being friends hoping for more or thinking they can handle it. if they are comfortable with themselves most people will appreciate a clear consistent message, even if it doesnt entail them hearing what they would like to.
but i do have to disagree (yes i do), not all break ups are so bad, or even bad, or even suck. sometimes they are liberating and you never look back. it is possible to end a relationship without all the drama and trauma and then never lament it. i know many a pal that has done that, including myself. i will concede that i dont know of any women who have done that.
i am in desperate need of a post break-up strategy, and you shared some good insight. thanks! i hope this shittiness will end soon. i’m not a fan so far.
Life has a certain sense of humor. Like right now, google led me here to this anecdote and the person above me has the same exact name as the person I broke up with. Let me tell you about this Kendra though as prescribed by this post’s advice. People have always pegged me as this serial dater with a certain type, whether they are extremely smart or extremely beautiful. While those elements were pervasive, I guess the most classical elements were they were people other people wanted but there’s not a noticeable amount of individual expression that I wanted and hence, it was pretty formulaic. That’s arguable for sure, and I don’t want to make a blanket statement, but unconsciously it just happened that way. So it was such a surprise when I met her and the steps that led me to our first date was the most informal approach. Internalizing this was the hardest thing, the tension that felt so good and foreign. Even now, the moments I’m either rethinking it when time permits, it feels so very fresh. To add to that, I fell for something I discovered and NOT people wanted, the smile that *always* got me. Every day, there was something to feel out and you know all those little things just starts appearing. It was just multiplying all these variables and as nerve-wracking as it was, when we ended our first date, the sum was pretty amazing – pure and fun. Now where do I fuck up? Well power tools. At least when she has kids, she can say this to them, “well mommy once had a guy give me power tools. stay away kids.” If you can laugh about it, then you can go on, right. Or so I tell myself on these crappy weeks. Everything in my life is going fine, I got accepted basically everywhere even to a school that is in the same city but now I won’t choose it because this place here just sucks without her presence. Sell the house and everything since my original plan for the house has also been replaced. Chicago or New Haven here i come. At least my career is kinda picking up, finally confronting my responsibilities in relation to my abilities for this short life that we have here. People will be happy and I always put up a good facade, as well as any Kabuki theater. The heartbreak sucks the most (she said the “f” word, as in friends, which means no going back) and it won’t ever go away. It’s so hard negating that feeling to just see her and pretend it is salvageable but the reality of this post confirms my more realistic expectations. I won’t ever admit it so I’m going back to the same type of girls I mindlessly screw. At least breaking things off with those girls were so clean. So Kendra, I hope everything works out for you and that your shitty time have passed and happy times come back. But I hope your breakup wasn’t based on stupid shit as mine. Thanks for this release Ms. Marti. Your blog refreshed a random stranger in the Bay Area, CA and allowed me some catharsis in this marathon of a life.