Sabbatical of Sorts Update May 30, 2007

I’m finally feeling better. The cough is down to a minimum. I have energy and I no longer wish to sleep the day away. WHI-HOO!!

One thing I’ve learned from having seven straight days off, with nothing planned, is that it is good for the soul. Normally when I take time off from work it’s for a vacation. I start stressed about planning, packing and travelling. I arrive at my destination and it’s non-stop siteseeing and moving. Then I come home exhausted.

So to stay home and do nothing but read, pray, and write has been restful. At first I must admit it was a little stressful. I put so much pressure on myself to have a plan for my life by the time this week was over. I was bound and determined to hear from God and have serious next steps ready for implementation. It of course hasn’t worked out that way, not specifically anyway.

The main message I’ve gotten from him is that he loves me and that he likes spending time with me. My tanks are filling back up. I’m re-energizing. I no longer feel like a walking ball of nerves and emotion. It’s nice. The urge to run screaming for the hills is gone. Maybe this is what peaceful feels like - hmmm.

I highly recommend the book I’ve been reading - Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of, by John Eldredge. It’s fantastic. It reminds us that we were born with desire but that after disappointments, because of fear and as we fill our lives with obligation and duty we try to push it bury it. But because we were created to have it that desire doesn’t disappear it is forced to escape as addiction, depression, and other more destructive forces in our lives.

Then Eldredge goes on to paint the most beautiful and enticing picture of eternity that I’ve ever read. It is in eternity that our desires will be fully revealed and expressed. That is why this life is a dress rehearsal.

Yet while that is comforting and exciting it also made me wonder what the heck am I supposed to do now? What do I do with this restlessness that plagues me? Then he asked one of Jesus’ favorite questions, what do you want?

At that point I had to put the book down because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve stuffed, buried, tried to kill and otherwise hidden from my desires for so long that I don’t know. I sat for about 30 minutes trying to coming up with an answer. I thought of a bunch of things but none of them spoke to the longing of my soul.

It was a very frustrating moment. I was irritated with myself. Why is that such a difficult question? It shouldn’t be. I was getting so stirred up that I had go to distract myself from the question. I tried to go to the beach where the waves drown out my thoughts but the pesky tourists were clogging up my favorite spot in Laguna. So instead I went shopping.

After I got home my dad called. He doesn’t call me that often, but since he heard about my sabbatical of sorts he’s been checking in on me periodically. Normally when you talk to him you only get about 30-40% of his attention. I love him dearly but he has severe ADD. Yesterday it was one of those rare occassions where he was fully present.

We talked about a lot of different things. A dream he had. What his plans are for the future. Cars. Then we got around to talking about post-modernism and the needs of the next generation. He started asking me all these questions about it - general opinion stuff. Then he got more and more specific to what I had to offer, things I could implement and what I think would be most effective ways to reach them. Then he asked me the same question Eldredge and Jesus asked earlier, what do you want?

Only this time I had an answer. My dream came back to me. I hadn’t spoken it aloud for some time. It scared me. It excited me. It rejuvenated me. It felt right. It was peaceful.

Then my dad proceeded to speak the most amazing words of encouragement, affirmation and love. He was excited for me. It was exactly what I needed.

I have no idea what to do next. I don’t have a plan. But I have a place to start and that is something I haven’t had in a while. I’m going to revel in the moment then harness the energy this idea brings and move.

I can finally breathe. I still have no idea what will happen. All I can do is pray, trust, and surrender. Some of the most difficult things for me to do. Isn’t that where God always takes us? It’s how we know the idea is from him - it causes faith stretching and we know it won’t work unless he’s in it.

Perspective May 29, 2007

I just got an email from my boss letting us know that one of our co-workers just lost her 6-week old baby to what appears to be SIDS. She put him down for a nap on Saturday afternoon and he never woke up.

My heart breaks for her and her family. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling. Yet even I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach. We walked through this pregnancy with her. We rejoiced with her when she found out she was pregnant. We watched her belly grow. We discussed names and talked of all the plans she had for him. Even I sit in disbelief not able to fully grasp the idea that the sweet little baby she brought into the office is gone. How much more is her grief, disbelief and ache.

She barely got to know him, hold him, and tell him she loved him. I think about the fact that her body is still producing milk to feed a child that isn’t there. Do you curse it? I can’t imagine the longing of a mother’s soul when she loses a child.

These are the moments you wonder why, even though it does no good. I know in my head that God hurts with us. I know that he feels our pain. I know that only he can comfort and provide peace to a heart that is breaking. Yet it doesn’t quite feel like enough sometimes.

I pray anyway. I pray that she be able to feel the comfort of her family and friends, who become Jesus with skin on in these moments.
I pray that she and her husband lean on each other in their grief and don’t isolate from one another.
I pray that she be able to sleep some at night. I pray that she keeps talking to God her in pain, that she rage, yell, scream, cry and anguish in his presence but that the dialogue never ceases.

Think Break May 27, 2007

Lest you think my days are spent as a monk last night I took a break to go to church with Genny, then we joined Tina for dinner. We laughed way too much making really bad jokes then we came home to watch Shrek 2. I was pleasantly surprised by the Shrek sequel. It was actually quite funny and entertaining, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now if only I could get rid of this pesky coughing life would be dandy.

Sabbatical Prayer May 27, 2007

Yesterday I was convicted that I was reading about him but not actually spending quality time with him. If I’m anxious to hear from him I need to get into his presence and be still, listen.

That’s a hard thing to do. Not the getting into his presence part, but the being still and stop talking part. Even though I barely have a voice my brain is going a million miles an hour. It always takes concentrated effort to shut it off. That process started yesterday. Being sick helps.

I have decided to read through the book of Ephesians this week. One chapter a day. The theme verse I feel God gave me for 2007 is from Ephesians 3:20.

I heard someone once say that a good way to learn how to pray effectively is to pay attention to how the apostles prayed. As I read through Epheisans 1 and was reminded of all the spiritual blessings we have through Christ I was struck by Paul’s prayer for spiritual wisdom for the people of Ephesus in verses 16 - 18 (NLT):

I pray for you constantly, asking God the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future he has promised to those he called. I want youto realize what a rich and glorious inheritance he has given to his people.

That is the cry of my heart this week. I was particularly transfixed by the phrase “that your hearts will be flooded with light.” The NASB says “that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened.” That’s what I need.

But I was instantly reminded that there could be things in my heart blocking the light. I had to spend time in prayer asking God to illuminate anything that might prevent the eyes of my heart from seeing clearly. The first thing that came to mind was my own unbelief. Do I really believe that God has something for me?

Outwardly I would say I do. Or have I let past disappointments get in the way of my belief. I immediately thought of the job that I was supposed to take last year. It was my dream job. I was packed and ready to move across the country to begin a new life. In about a week it was all gone. It fell through. I thought I had worked through that. I know God was sparing me from something. He was protecting me, but was I still angry? Did that experience make me begin to doubt? “According to your faith it will be done to you.” Do I really have the faith?

As I lay coughing in God’s presence I had to admit that I didn’t. I don’t trust him with my future. So as always I find my own way. God in his divine wisdom wil prevent us from getting what we think we want so that we learn to depend on him alone. This is a lesson I seem to keep learning.

It’s about surrender of my career and future once again to God. I know in my head that he has a plan, he promised that he does. I know in my head he wants me to be fulfilled. I know in my head that he loves me.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord to see you, know you, love you and trust you with all that I am.

Hope for the Sabbatical of Sorts May 25, 2007

Of course I can’t completely shut off my planning mind. I decided to set some groundrules or parameters in my homebound sabbatical.

1. No tv before 5 p.m. And I’m going to strive to limit it as much as possible
2. No overplanning of outings. I can’t be out every night. But I think community is necessary to make sure I don’t go crazy.
3. Yes to the gym. I need to keep up the exercise. I think it will help me think better. Once this pesky cough is gone, it’s off to the gym I go.

That’s all I’ve thought of so far. Today has been a low energy day since I didn’t sleep restfully last night. But I did start to read The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed of, by John Eldredge. So far its been quite interesting. It is reminiscent of Parker Palmer’s, Let your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation.

Both speak of the pain and anguish created when we squelch the desires of our heart. Palmer talks about how we are born knowing but as we grow we stop listening to the innate longing of our soul and instead substitute the voice of God for the voice of other authorities in our lives. And how what was once so accessible to us as children becomes almost inaudible.

Eldredge echoes that even going further to say that Christ came to awaken those desires within us and that we need to learn how to thirst and hunger for righteousness through them. We love God with our desires. To be led by our desire is not about being out of control but instead being in tune with who God created us to be.

It is out of this desperate desire for ultimate satisfaction of our souls that we can worship. Definitely a different way of thinking than is usually taught in the church. Eldredge talks about this that our spirituality has become one of rules and regulations not adoration and devotion.

Sanctified resignation has become the new abiding place of contemporary Christians…We can only hope for what we desire. no desire, no hope… Bland assurance of the sweet by-and-by don’t inflame the soul. Our hopes are deeply tied to our real desires, and so killing desire has meant a hopeless life for too many. (Eldredge, pg 64-65)

So what do I hope for? What do I dream of? What did I long to be as a child? I hope I can remember.

Sabbatical of Sorts May 25, 2007

I’ve decided to take a few days off from work to regroup, refocus and reassess.

I’m hoping that some time away will help my attitude, energy and vision for life in general.

Now the question - what do I do? I thought about going home, but since its a holiday weekend fares are outrageous. But I still think staying put might be more conducive to spending quality time alone with God.

I’m not very good at getting quiet. I can always find a million things to do. I’m a doer. But I feel I need to just be with him. That is hard for me. So of course I had to try and plan it. I got out a stack of books, filled my ipod with contemplative music and even did a google search on “personal prayer retreat.” See I told ya - I’m a doer.

Then yesterday I got hit with a massive allergy/sinus attack. So I have no voice and no energy - God has his ways of making us be still.

We’ll see what the next week holds, should be interesting. I really hope I can hear from God. My main questions are - what do you want to do with my life and where do you want me to serve? I don’t know if God answers questions on command, probably not. But I do know that if we seek him he can be found.

Floodgates of Reality May 24, 2007

With all that’s going on at work lately i’ve been forced into a state of introspection.

I know, I know I spend most of my time in a semi-state of introspection but I’ve been trying to avoid it lately. I want to get out of my head. I want to get more involved in life. In that process I completely overbooked myself. I had something I was involved in nearly every night of the week, it got insane.

Then I realized I was just busy, not really enjoying. That isn’t what I want either. Then I stopped, dropped an activity and have really been trying to dig in and enjoy. That’s what you’re supposed to do right?

But if I’m really honest its all just time filler because I have no idea what it is I feel called to. That is a scary thought. I spent big dollars on a grad school diploma thinking it would provide clarity, it didn’t. I jump into activities hoping I will stumble upon it somehow, I don’t. I show up to a job at a ministry that I was hoping would fill the void, it doesn’t.

At the end of the day I’m still restless. I’m convinced that God did not bring me through hell for this. This cannot be the sum total of my life, I refuse to accept that, but what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to go? I would change if I knew how. I would move if I knew where.

It’s the ultimate of agony to be in limbo and unsure. Everyone keeps telling me it gets this awful right before a big change. BRING ON THE CHANGE. I can’t take it anymore, my soul longs for more - meaning, purpose, sense of fulfillment.

I’m completely burn out. I have nothing left in the tank. I’ve burned through the reserves. I’m tapped out. There is nothing left in me to give right now. How’s that for overlydramatic? But that’s how I feel. That’s what happens when you live a life where you don’t want to be. I’m stuck. Completely trapped, at a dead end. Ok that was a little Scarlett O’Hara even for me. But I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I need to change the name of this blog to Young & the Restless, Marti’s Restlessness, Restless State of Mind or something more apropos.

Resolved and Peaceful May 22, 2007

After much anxiety, prayer and Godly counsel I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not my place to confront, in this instance. I am gracefully bowing out and opting not to participate.

There are parts of me that feel like its an injustice. There are parts of me that want to defend myself. There are parts of me that want to try and show my heart. But ultimately it just isn’t the time or place to do that. It would do more damage than good.

I have to just let it go, while remaining open to talking to them at a later date. I have to refrain from getting bitter, cynical and resentful, that is the hard part for me. How do I stay engaged in the relationship when everything inside me says to walk away? I don’t know.

The whole situation is difficult. I do feel peace about this decision, I suppose that is the ultimate barometer.

New Addiction May 22, 2007

I have found a new burrito love at Chipotle.

Have you ever been there, its fantastic. I don’t know what it is. Maybe its because you watch them make it. Maybe its the fresh ingredients. Maybe its the marinade. I don’t know, but I am in love with the barbacoa burritos with corn salsa. Sooooo tasty.

I’m up two a once a week habit but I feel it might get worse.

Then again when I’m stressed I crave Mexican food, so maybe that’s it.

Sticky Situation May 21, 2007

I hate confrontation.

I go out of my way to avoid it. I will stuff my feelings, bottle my rage, ignore injustices, turn the anger inward or otherwise project my thoughts and emotions elsewhere not to have to do it.

I know this isn’t healthy for me or the relationship. But after 32 years of practice its a hard habit to change.

I’m in embroiled in the middle of a situation here at work where I am forced to confront. As I ponder what I’m going to say in our peace summit I’m realizing this is a great opportunity to overcome this crippling fear. But, why is this so difficult for me?

It’s because I’m petrified to put myself out there and be vulnerable. It is scary to have to actually own your emotions, responses and opinions. “You hurt my feelings when you did X” just feels silly to think let alone admit outloud.

I also don’t have many instances in my life where I’ve been completely honest with someone close to me that turned out well. Ultimately I know its a lot easier to get over the truth than to try and live a lie but sometimes you just want things to stay as they are, or at least as you perceive they are. On the other hand I also know that if you can work through conflict the relationship can be strengthened.

In this instance there is no personal investment. These aren’t relationships that will be in my life forever. But every fiber of my being is saying duck and cover. Since I am just collateral damage in this particular instance my bosses are being very protective of me and offering me a way out, but I’m wondering if that is the best thing for me. I know it isn’t the easiest thing but usually that means its what I’m supposed to do.

I feel anxious, emotionally wrecked and I desperately want to flee. UGH!