Sabbatical of Sorts Update

I’m finally feeling better. The cough is down to a minimum. I have energy and I no longer wish to sleep the day away. WHI-HOO!!

One thing I’ve learned from having seven straight days off, with nothing planned, is that it is good for the soul. Normally when I take time off from work it’s for a vacation. I start stressed about planning, packing and travelling. I arrive at my destination and it’s non-stop siteseeing and moving. Then I come home exhausted.

So to stay home and do nothing but read, pray, and write has been restful. At first I must admit it was a little stressful. I put so much pressure on myself to have a plan for my life by the time this week was over. I was bound and determined to hear from God and have serious next steps ready for implementation. It of course hasn’t worked out that way, not specifically anyway.

The main message I’ve gotten from him is that he loves me and that he likes spending time with me. My tanks are filling back up. I’m re-energizing. I no longer feel like a walking ball of nerves and emotion. It’s nice. The urge to run screaming for the hills is gone. Maybe this is what peaceful feels like – hmmm.

I highly recommend the book I’ve been reading – Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of, by John Eldredge. It’s fantastic. It reminds us that we were born with desire but that after disappointments, because of fear and as we fill our lives with obligation and duty we try to push it bury it. But because we were created to have it that desire doesn’t disappear it is forced to escape as addiction, depression, and other more destructive forces in our lives.

Then Eldredge goes on to paint the most beautiful and enticing picture of eternity that I’ve ever read. It is in eternity that our desires will be fully revealed and expressed. That is why this life is a dress rehearsal.

Yet while that is comforting and exciting it also made me wonder what the heck am I supposed to do now? What do I do with this restlessness that plagues me? Then he asked one of Jesus’ favorite questions, what do you want?

At that point I had to put the book down because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve stuffed, buried, tried to kill and otherwise hidden from my desires for so long that I don’t know. I sat for about 30 minutes trying to coming up with an answer. I thought of a bunch of things but none of them spoke to the longing of my soul.

It was a very frustrating moment. I was irritated with myself. Why is that such a difficult question? It shouldn’t be. I was getting so stirred up that I had go to distract myself from the question. I tried to go to the beach where the waves drown out my thoughts but the pesky tourists were clogging up my favorite spot in Laguna. So instead I went shopping.

After I got home my dad called. He doesn’t call me that often, but since he heard about my sabbatical of sorts he’s been checking in on me periodically. Normally when you talk to him you only get about 30-40% of his attention. I love him dearly but he has severe ADD. Yesterday it was one of those rare occassions where he was fully present.

We talked about a lot of different things. A dream he had. What his plans are for the future. Cars. Then we got around to talking about post-modernism and the needs of the next generation. He started asking me all these questions about it – general opinion stuff. Then he got more and more specific to what I had to offer, things I could implement and what I think would be most effective ways to reach them. Then he asked me the same question Eldredge and Jesus asked earlier, what do you want?

Only this time I had an answer. My dream came back to me. I hadn’t spoken it aloud for some time. It scared me. It excited me. It rejuvenated me. It felt right. It was peaceful.

Then my dad proceeded to speak the most amazing words of encouragement, affirmation and love. He was excited for me. It was exactly what I needed.

I have no idea what to do next. I don’t have a plan. But I have a place to start and that is something I haven’t had in a while. I’m going to revel in the moment then harness the energy this idea brings and move.

I can finally breathe. I still have no idea what will happen. All I can do is pray, trust, and surrender. Some of the most difficult things for me to do. Isn’t that where God always takes us? It’s how we know the idea is from him – it causes faith stretching and we know it won’t work unless he’s in it.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Reading, Spiritual Formation

Perspective

I just got an email from my boss letting us know that one of our co-workers just lost her 6-week old baby to what appears to be SIDS. She put him down for a nap on Saturday afternoon and he never woke up.

My heart breaks for her and her family. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling. Yet even I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach. We walked through this pregnancy with her. We rejoiced with her when she found out she was pregnant. We watched her belly grow. We discussed names and talked of all the plans she had for him. Even I sit in disbelief not able to fully grasp the idea that the sweet little baby she brought into the office is gone. How much more is her grief, disbelief and ache.

She barely got to know him, hold him, and tell him she loved him. I think about the fact that her body is still producing milk to feed a child that isn’t there. Do you curse it? I can’t imagine the longing of a mother’s soul when she loses a child.

These are the moments you wonder why, even though it does no good. I know in my head that God hurts with us. I know that he feels our pain. I know that only he can comfort and provide peace to a heart that is breaking. Yet it doesn’t quite feel like enough sometimes.

I pray anyway. I pray that she be able to feel the comfort of her family and friends, who become Jesus with skin on in these moments.
I pray that she and her husband lean on each other in their grief and don’t isolate from one another.
I pray that she be able to sleep some at night. I pray that she keeps talking to God her in pain, that she rage, yell, scream, cry and anguish in his presence but that the dialogue never ceases.

Filed under: Friendshipping

Think Break

Lest you think my days are spent as a monk last night I took a break to go to church with Genny, then we joined Tina for dinner. We laughed way too much making really bad jokes then we came home to watch Shrek 2. I was pleasantly surprised by the Shrek sequel. It was actually quite funny and entertaining, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now if only I could get rid of this pesky coughing life would be dandy.

Filed under: Friendshipping