Back from the Bay Area April 30, 2007

I manage to visit the Bay Area at just the right times.

I was there for El Nino when we had 109 days straight of rain. I was there for an earthquake or two. Then this weekend I was there when the oil tanker truck caught on fire and melted the freeway. It was interesting.

But we are now home safe. It was otherwise uneventful and relaxing. It’s nice to be around family sometimes, you know the people on the planet that are required to love you whether they want to or not. It’s always nice when they do anyway and grandmas are especially good at it.

I was definitely jonesing for some unconditional grandma love. She thinks I’m brilliant, fantastic, beautiful and capable of all that is good and holy in the world. It was nice.

I also got the chance to know my cousin Sam a little better. He and I have never spent significant amounts of time together in our lives. He’s seven years younger than me and have mostly lived 3,000 miles apart. After 12 hours in the car together I can say he’s a cool guy - very witty and sarcastic. He definitely has the familial sense of humor.

All in all fantastic. Now it’s back to the grind.

Another Relaxing Weekend April 27, 2007

I guess I can’t complain about being overstressed since I’m off to another great weekend. This time I’m heading north to San Francisco to visit my grandma who is visiting from Indiana.

I’m actually driving up with my cousin Sam, who just moved to Southern California. I figure since he’s young, 25, he can drive and I’ll sleep. It works out well for us.

I’m taking two days off work and hoping the change of scenery will do me well. I’m sure it will.

See ya next week.

Relaxing Weekend April 23, 2007

My life has gotten incredibly hectic lately. I’ve become quite the joiner. I now only have two nights a week free. In the process I’ve managed to wind myself back up.

This weekend I got a chance to stop for a minute and take a different pace but of course I went into it kicking and screaming.

On Friday I spent quality time with Tina. We went to Chili’s for dinner. The wait was 45 minutes. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I could hardly sit still. I was getting anxious. I have a ton of things to do and I’m going to be busy for the rest of the weekend. How will I get it all done if we waste 45 minutes waiting at Chili’s.

See - wound up. But I gave into the wait and realized how nice it was to do nothing.

On Saturday I got see Erika and spend time at one of my favorite places on the planet, The Huntington Gardens. We went to their annual Shakespeare Festival. It was the Bard, on his birthday weekend, in beautiful surroundings. The actors from Shakespeare at Play company were amazing. My favorite was one named Derek. He was talented and hot, what a combo. We just wandered around from performance to performance with no agenda just enjoying the scenery.

But the real fun was just hanging out with Erika. We sat for a long time in the Japanese garden and just talked. That was the treat of the day.

Then today Debbie and I went to the Flower Fields in Carlsbad. It was a gorgeous warm day. We walked around the acres of ranunculas just enjoying the sun, the color and people watching.

On the way from the flower fields I started to fade. I was completely relaxed for the first time in a while. I came home and zonked out. It was delicious.

Unpacking Part 3 April 23, 2007

Ok, I vowed that I would unpack every box this time, it’s not going well.

I’m so close I can almost taste it but after three months the final five boxes sit by the door of my room and taunt me. They also somehow mock me as I walk by. These are very actively shaming boxes.

I still don’t have any photos hung on the wall either. UGH!!

Our lease isn’t up until next January. I still have time to unpack. I think I have a mental block of some sort.

[Near] Death of My Dear Email Address April 20, 2007

FRIDAY: Tonight I received word, after an hour of failed log-ins, that my 10-year-old yahoo email account has been deleted.

That’s right dear friends, the email address you probably have for me is now defunct. I actually almost cried. It seems that, unbeknownst to me, my yahoo account was tied to an old SBC DSL account. When the current owner of that account, my former roommate, deleted my account she deleted my entire yahoo email account.

So all of my contacts, saved emails, account log-ins and subscriptions are gone. I am devastated.

If you have any way to help me get my beloved email account back, let me know.

UPDATE - SUNDAY: It’s back!! WHI-HOO!! Crisis averted. Thank you Joanna.

Quest for identity partially solved at Wal-Mart April 18, 2007

My entire life I have been asking myself what color I am and what race I belong to. My mom is a caucasian Irish-American and my dad is Mexican-American. My brother and I are just mixed up and confused. But at long last I discovered some clarity at Wal-Mart.

This dual-race issue has been an interesting journey, at times. Other times it makes no difference at all.

As a child, at my paternal abuelo’s house he would routinely ask us, “Que eres?” What are you? - the two choices were Mexican or white. (If you didn’t know, Mexican is both a culture and color in our family.) The answer he was looking for was Mexican. Upon gleefully exclaiming with all of my childish enthusiasm that I was “Messican” he would rewarded me with a big smile, hugs, kisses and usually some food.

But that answer was forced to change when we moved to Mexico. There it was pointed out to us again and again that we were not Mexican because we were born in the U.S. so we were American. It didn’t matter where our grandparents were born, it mattered where we were born.

My teacher at the little Mexican-shop-of-scholastic horrors that I attended actually paraded me in front of the class to ask me what it felt like to be white and steal Texas and California from the Mexicans. At 12 I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer this question, having never stolen a state before. Should I feel bad like I did when I was caught stealing candy bars from Wal-Greens in the 5th grade? So the new answer to the question of my life was white, American.

So I should have been ready to go back the U.S. for college. I should have fit right in as a white, American. However, during my freshman year I had a friend, very matter of factly, tell me that I needed to stop wearing pink lipstick because I was not white and it did not look good on me. Alright, so now I’m not white again but am once again ethnic. That’s interesting. Apparently I needed to wear darker lipstick and that would really answer the question once and for all. It would also signal to others that I was indeed Mexican. But at least now I know.

Or did I? The first time I met a former boyfriend’s family his brother made some really racist comments in front of me about Mexicans. The ex and his family were horrified and quickly told him that I was Mexican. He looked at me and said, “well you don’t look Mexican.” I guess I had forgotten to wear my dark-colored lipstick that day. And in all fairness, he didn’t look like an idiot but apparently he was one. So now I’m white and not Mexican/ethnic enough.

But clarity came at Wal-mart once and for all.

I was wandering up and down the make-up aisle and saw that Cover Girl has developed a really sophisticated system for determing the proper shade of foundation by scientifically matching your skin tone. That’s right, all you have to do place your hand under a piece of clear plastic with various colors of foundation on it. Simply find the closest match and voila you have quickly and correctly identified your color.

I am ivory. The lightest shade on the sheet. I am pale white. Sorry Abuelo.

At least now I can figure out what shade of lipstick to wear.

Man expectations April 17, 2007

I realized this weekend that I have certain expectations of men. There are certain tasks and duties where I believe they should take the lead. I want them to “man-up.”

On Saturday a group of us went to LA to see the newly renovated Griffith Observatory and partake in delicious Italian food at Miceli’s in Hollywood. It took us over two hours to go approximately 50 miles. It was fun times in traffic.

Well like a dork I ran my AC on full power, with a carload of people, while moving at approximately 6 mph. Not a good thing. When we were about a mile from the restaurant my car started to get hot.

This happened back in December when my brother and fam were visiting and I had some leftover coolant in my car. I figured with a bunch of guys on this excursion surely one of them would know where to put it. It would be a two minute thing, at least that’s how long it took my brother to do it. We’d be on our way in no time.

Well those were famous last words. There were eight guys standing around my car looking under the hood dumbfounded. They had no idea where the coolant went. After about 10 minutes I actually called my brother to see if he remembered. From Ohio, he was of no use either, so I hung up.

Finally, sick of waiting, I poked my head between two of them and pointed to a cap that said coolant as perhaps a good place to add the magic liquid that would keep my car from overheating. “Oh yeah,” was the response I got. But before we could do that we had to find a rag. Heaven forbid they get their hands dirty, apparently they aren’t washable. Then they wanted a funnel. Who carries a funnel? One of the girls suggested that perhaps they get inventive and create a make-shift funnel. I offered some plastic shelf liner in the back of my car, leftover from the move, but instead they opted for paper. Because paper holds up to the chemicals in coolant, right?

Then the real fun began when one of the guys knocked the cap down into the radiator compartment. Oh yea, it’s stuck in there and they all just stand there looking at one another wondering what to do. I mean accidents happen, but no one of them took action to see how to get it out. They just keep peering under the hood wondering what to do. Make a plan! Take charge!

After a few moments, the girls jump into action while the guys continue to stand around. First we locate a flashlight to peer into the compartment and even see if we could see the cap. Then we find a broom to help dislodge the cap. The boys were still afraid to get dirty so one of the girls actually got on the ground and reached her hand up inside the compartment to fish it out. It was crazy. Finally after about 30 minutes we get the cap out.

This whole scene was disturbing to me. Now I may be biased, I grew up in a family of mechanically-inclined men. They all tinkered on cars. They know how to change oil. They change their own brakes. I mean it didn’t seem like rocket science to me. These are also the same men that open car doors, carry heavy objects and don’t mind getting some dirt under their fingernails. These are just “man” things. Maybe I’m being sexist.

Still I was really disappointed in these guys. All in their late 20s and they were waiting for us (the women) to take the lead and tell them what to do. It was not attractive.

Were my expectations too unrealistic? Maybe I just don’t play the damsel in distress very well.

Being Known April 11, 2007

One of our greatest desires as humans is to be known.

We want people to know what we like, what we don’t like, what we desire, who we hope to be, and what we love. You know those people that know your deep dark secrets and love you anyway. They know what you’re really like when no one is looking. They know your weaknesses and don’t rub them in your face. They know where you struggle and help you overcome.

But the biggest obstacle to reaching that level of intimacy with other people is ourselves. It is hard to open up and let people in that far. Because while we desire to be known it is also the scariest thing on the planet.

I spent years keeping people at arms length away. I had friends but they only saw the parts of me I was willing to show. I was alone. I was terrified that if they saw who I really was they would just leave anyway. I was convinced that my past and secret shame was too much, so I kept it hidden for over 20 years.

It was such sweet freedom to let the secrets out, to expose the lies in my head and just be me. The process was a slow one and it started out with one person, then it was two. Truly being myself and letting people in was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and the most rewarding. They accepted me in my neediness, hurt, insecurity and fear. It was like the first breath of air after swimming under water for what seemed like forever.

It took a while for the breathing to become less ragged and more natural. It took a while to feel safe. It still takes practice. It still takes effort. I can’t let my guard down with everyone, but trusting people is getting easier.

Last night someone in my small group came up for her very own breath of air. We got the opportunity to hear her entire uncensored testimony and love her for who she is. It was amazing to see the walls come down and the real her to emerge. What I saw was her beauty, strength and the amazing grace and mercy of God evident in her life. My opinion of her is now different. It is one of deeper appreciation, greater respect and more love.

How often do we rob others of the chance to do that by hiding, pretending and putting on a mask?

Resurrection April 8, 2007

Happy Easter everyone! Today we celebrate our risen Lord who conquered death so we could be restored and experience life abundantly.

Somedays are so much easier than others to live in that reality. I think as we live we get to experience the sadness and pain of Good Friday and the joy of Easter in a million ways both big and small in our lives.

I became a Christian at the age of five. When I look back over a lifetime of highs and lows the one thing I know for certain is that God was in the middle of every single moment. There were moments when I didn’t know how I’d survive but I did. There were moments when I wondered why something had to happen but God found me and showed me where he was, often hurting with me. Even when I turned my back on him he waited patiently for me and sent his love to surround me.

Who have I to live for but him? I think of all the things I hold onto so tightly afraid they’ll be taken away and what’s the point? Everything in life is temporary. Things that were essential 15 years ago are forgotten. Relationships that I couldn’t walk away from are gone. The only thing that remains constant is God. My source of strength, hope, peace, joy and life is in him alone.

I am grateful today for his unconditional, unending, unwavering, undeserved love. I don’t know where you’re going to take me God but I pray the simple prayer that has been bubbling in my heart, use me. I don’t know how or where but I surrender. I’m tired of trying to control my circumstance. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of being stuck.

I surrender to your plan. I surrender to your way. I surrender to you.

Photo Friday: Blessing April 7, 2007

Today as we remember Good Friday we think about the cross and the biggest blessing that God offered us, his son, who came to die for our redemption. Through his pain we get to live.

The great thing about this particular Jesus, at the LA cathedral, is that the architect purposefully made the cross low to the ground and accessible to the people. After service there is usually a line of people want to touch Jesus. It is moving to watch them lean against it, kneel by it, sob into it and embrace him in their pain in the most famous symbol of ultimate suffering.