Courage Exemplified March 31, 2007

Tonight a member of my small group shared her testimony in a Celebrate Recovery meeting.

We went as a small group to support her and were simply astounded by her courage. She stood in front of a room of 500+ people talking about her past, her sins, failures, shortcomings, flaws, fears, and insecurities. WOW!

Her real journey began when she cried out to God for salvation from herself. The courage started when she fought for her healing and new life. The battle against our flesh is always harder than giving in, but that is when we experience true grace.

She spoke with amazing eloquence, honesty, transparency and authenticity. I was so incredibly proud of her. I know that this is a milestone in her life. Is it the end of a major chapter of her life story.

I was transfixed by the way God moved in her life to bring her back to him. I was reminded of how overwhelming God’s love is for us. Even when we are in our darkest days he knows where we are. Even when we walk away he is working in our hearts to bring us back.

I can’t wait to see how God uses her story to reach out to others. What’s amazing about God’s love for us is that when we’re finally full and the aching void in our soul is filled we want to give to others what we have received. Our lives are transformed and we can be hope to others who can’t see their way out.

In some ways her story is just beginning.

Seeking Real Friendships March 30, 2007

My musings about my new bible study has given me much fodder for thought.

I’ve been thinking that it will be interesting to see if we can get beyond demographics in our Breaking Free small group to talk about the things we have in common that require more vulnerability to share - the things that bind us, things we want to know about God, and how we’re doing in our own personal journey’s to be more like Christ.

Maybe rather than trying to segment us by marital status and age it should be by how deep we want to go, how much we want to grow and how vulnerable we’re willing to get.

I’m finding, in my 30s, that my most satisfying friendships are those that have little to do with what we have may or may not have in common. Instead its about finding people that share the same values, for lack of a better word. I want to surround myself with emotionally healthy and spiritually mature people who will fill my life with positive, encouraging, helpful, fun experiences.

It’s seems odd to spell it out like that, like a personal ads for friends. It’s just that I’m realizing that those relationships are hard to find. We get caught up in status, jobs, boyfriends/husbands or lack there of that we miss the point. Are our relationships feeding our soul or are we settling for competitive, superficial ultimately irrelevant relationships that go no where and do nothing but make us feel bad about ourselves?

I realize it’s not as easy as that to define. Nothing is every that black and white. But it is learning how to seek out that which is healthy instead of continuing to fall into the same destructive relationships. Again this starts with me, how healthy am I?

Odd girl out March 29, 2007

The women’s ministry at church just started a new bible study, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. We had the option of joining an in-house small group or joining an on-campus table study. During a connection event last week we got the chance to meet other women and figure out what we wanted to do.

I didn’t know anyone signing up for the event so I thought it might also be a good way to meet some new people. I sat down at a table for single women and noticed the polarity of the table. Of the 7 women sitting there 3 were in their 20s and 3 were in their 40s and 50s. Yep, I was the only single woman in her 30s.

I didn’t think much about it until the girls in their 20s decided to leave because we were too old for them. Nice. Tonight at the official kick off to the study I was assigned to a table of women in their 30s and all of them are married or divorced with kids. Now I wished I could have left to find a new table, only where would I go?

It made me feel kinda weird. Not that I don’t think there are things we can learn from each other. But I listened to 30 minutes of diapers, breast-feeding, divorce settlements and infertility. I was grateful to get to the study. It’s amazing how different our lives are.

Recently, I was talking to someone who told me that even the single’s pastor doesn’t know what to do with singles in their 30s. They have a new ministry for singles in their 20s full of events, studies and even a special service. There is a ministry for singles in their 40s and 50s full of events, studies and even a special service. The church assumes that most in their 30s are married or going through a divorce so we’re a tough group to plan for. There are ministries for divorce recovery, single parents, blended families, but what do you do with single people, who haven’t gotten married?

Odd place to be. If I were cynical, which I am, I would say I’m being punished for not making a poor marriage choice. Now the non-cynical 10% of my personality says not being divorced is reward enough for that, but are people in their 30s really that difficult to organize, group together and do something with?

We have careers, social lives, disposable incomes and time on our hands to serve. I would think we’d be a target demographic - right behind the DINKs, double income no kid married folk, of course. It makes me grateful for my small group - seven single, beautiful, smart, successful women in their 30s.

Writing Sometimes Sucks March 23, 2007

Writing can be the most agonizing, frustratating, excruciating work on the planet. Trying to extract a concept, idea or message from your brain when it just doesn’t feel like producing is nearly impossible.

Today I sit in mental constipation.

Pray for me.

Happy Birthday Mike March 21, 2007

My favorite brother turns 30 today.

It seems odd. In my mind he will just forever be younger. So if he’s getting older than means I’m really old. I don’t like that train of thought, so I’ll move on. I think I have this same thought every year on his birthday.

Anyway, God has really restored our relationship this last year in an unexpected way. Its wasn’t like we were estranged but we were not very close. Our conversations tended to focus on the boys, the mundane and/or the superficial.

In the last year we’ve gotten in some really good talks, cleared up some things I don’t think I was even aware of and we’ve really reconnected. What a gift. I feel like we’re very good friends again. I treasure my relationship with him.

Good Monday? March 20, 2007

I had a fantastic Monday. I don’t know why I’m shocked, but I am.

We made a big presentation at work today that went REALLY well, much better than I anticipated. We’ve been working as a team for a week or so but I only had about two partial work days to pull my part together, but I was blessed with big bursts of creativity, so thank God for that.

I was still really nervous about the whole thing. My boss was encouraging and empowering. It’s nice that he believes in me. Yet I continued with my tradition to get pessimistic and fatalistic to mask my insecurity and a general belief that when given the opportunity the proverbial other shoe will fall on my head and kill me. See I’m a blast at parties

But my boss really helped turn me around, telling me that I had no reason to fear. If I assumed failure what do I really have to lose. LOL, odd logic, but true.

I think it was also because I was able to reach out and ask people to pray. That may sound simple but letting people know that I felt insecure was hard for me. I don’t like to be that vulnerable. But this time my co-workers stopped to pray with me.

We kept getting postponed first from last Friday, to today, then from 11 to 12. It became like a test that you just can’t study anymore for. I just wanted to be done with it already.

My part of the entire thing lasted 15-20 minutes max, but it was good. YES! I felt peace, confidence and no fear. I think that was a first for me, to feel those things. To be entirely in the moment and to just have fun with it. I didn’t over analyze. I didn’t freak out. How amazing is that?

Then tonight the icing on the cake was a very fun small group. Then the roomies and I watched the premiere of Dancing with the Stars and got to see glimpses of Tina, her boss and his wife in the audience, since they were at the taping earlier today.

It’s good to just laugh and have fun.

Restorying - Life Lessons from Chris Rock March 19, 2007

I’m suffering from allergies/sinus issues tonight and the effects of a really long week so I’m at home zoned out in front of the tv. After flipping past a thousand, Everybody Loves Raymond episodes I stumbled onto Inside the Actor’s Studio with Chris Rock.

I decided to stop and watch. I like to hear people’s stories. I learned that Rock grew up in a tough neighborhood of Brooklyn. He was bused to a poor, white school where he was routinely discriminated against and beat up.

“It was the defining moment of my life. On the one hand it made me everything that I am and on the other hand it screwed me up badly.”

He went onto say that if he had stayed in his own neighborhood for school he would have been much happier and he knew because of his family he would still have gone on to have a good life. But with this negative experience his life was transformed into something dynamic and rich that in turn reaches millions.

I was blown away by this. It acknowledges the pain of the situation while still showing his strength of character and resiliency. What an amazing perspective on his life. I think I’m starting to get there, somedays.

I definitely dream about how my life would be if I hadn’t gone through some of the stuff in my life. Yet I have a friend from college that I always compare myself too. I always wish I had her life, chances and experiences.

Murray’s Sugar Free, Fudge-Dipped Mint Cookies March 18, 2007

I have courageously managed to walk past all the cute little Girl Scouts outside of the grocery store selling cookies.

I desperately want a box of Thin Mints, but I resist. Knowing full well that they will be gone sooner than I’d like to admit.

Then I find these little sugar free cookies that call themselves, fudge dipped mint cookies - that seems like a Thin Mint to me.

While they are not as minty as the real thing they are very tasty and will take the edge off a serious craving.

Dream of Shoes March 15, 2007

I haven’t really been dreaming lately.

However, last night I dreamed that I was in a mall walking around shopping. It must have been window shopping because I didn’t have any bags (indicating purchases). I didn’t find whatever it was that I was looking for.

When I left the mall I realized I didn’t have my shoes on. I remembered taking them off somewhere in the mall but I couldn’t pinpoint where. I briefly thought about going back in to look for them but decided against it.

So I started walking down the street with no shoes. I remember thinking it was odd, but that I didn’t have a choice. I had to keep walking.

Dreaming of shoes in a new one for me.

Happy Birthday Rocio March 14, 2007

My favorite sister-in-law on the planet celebrated another year of life today.

She is an amazing woman that I admire a lot. I learn from her as I watch her be a mother, wife, and friend. She is a great listener, caring friend and a godly woman.

I truly hope this next year is one of her best!