Saturday Relationships in San Diego October 31, 2006

I was glad my vicodin hangover wore off in time for me to go to San Diego to visit Nicole. She moved back in June and I hadn’t seen her new place. She had a surprise for me, our friend Jenn, who just moved to Florida and was back in the area for the weekend. It was great to see them both, we had lots to catch up on.

I realized that I’ve lived in So. Cal. for 13 years and I have only been San Diego a couple of times. There is so much to see - Balboa Park, La Jolla, Old Town, Mission San Diego, Sea World, Legoland, Heritage Park - lots of history, ocean views and good food.

We started catching up and siteseeing at Balboa Park. It is amazingly beautiful. We walked around to see the ampitheatre, Spanish Village, Prado Theatre, UN village, Japanese Friendship Garden and we only saw a very small part of it. I can’t wait to go back and take more photos.

In retrospect I think we saw every phase of a relationship in that one day. The weather was a perfect day for relationshipping.. Scattered throughout the park we saw people on dates and weddings.

We went up to Mt Soledad vista to get a sweeping panorama of La Jolla and the ocean. It was breathtaking. It is views like this, warm 80 degree days in October that make living here worth the cost. Even though it was a little foggy it was still stunning.

While we were there we saw a limo pull up and two young people climbed out. He was in a tuxedo and she was in a beautiful red gown. From afar we wondered if it was kids on their way to homecoming then we watched him drop to one knee. We didn’t hear the answer but assumed that she said yes since there was a hug and he joined her on the bench to over look the perfect view.

We drove back down to the water’s edge to see the sunset. We stopped to look at the surf and people watch. There were many getting their photos taken by the water, including several doing engagement photos. They were frolicking in the water trying to appear spontaneous and lovey-dovey.

As we strolled along the sea we saw four weddings, ranging from the very young to the very old. We noticed that you could tell the age of the bride by the number of bridesmaids she had. The number goes up exponentially the younger they are. I have to say the sweetest one was the oldest wedding of the day. To see people at least in their 60s finding love was great.

We had dinner at Top of the Cove - fantastic food and a more amazing view. The perfect cap of the night was at a place called Extraordinary Desserts. The line is a mile long to get it but do not let it distract you from visting. I had the best toasted almond and caramel chesecake.

It was a great day. Time to be with good friends that make you think, make you laugh and let you be silly. We all commented on how hard it is to find people like that who are willing to take the time to really get to know you, be honest about what they see and love you anyway.

Halloween Musings October 31, 2006

Tonight there are millions of little kids dressing up as who they want to be when they grow up, their favorite cartoon characters, and heros wandering around neighborhoods everywhere collecting candy. I hear it’s harder and harder to trick-or-treat these days, you have to go out earlier and and earlier for safety reasons. Mike said their official day to go out was Sunday from 1-3, that’s not fun.

Both nephews dressed up as their favorite WWE wrestlers and went to Malone College to trick-or-treat in the dorms. They loved it. Each room was decorated and the kids were mesmorized. I’m kind of sad that they’re not into the fun costumes anymore. Now they have to be cool, not cute. Sad that at 5 and 8 they are starting to leave childhood behind, how? Why? So sad!

Mike and I then wandered down memory lane talking about our favorite Halloweens. Mine was in the fifth grade. It was 1985, the rage was to put razor blades and LSD in the candy. No one was wanting to send their kids out. So the elementary school stepped up and held a party at the school.

I don’t remember the candy, the school, or my friends, what I do remember is my costume. Our neighbor cut up an old prom dress for me to wear and I got to be a princess. I remember feeling like a princess. This wasn’t a cheap dime store costume, this was her prom dress. It was a great. I loved it. I never wanted to take it off. I felt so beautiful that night.

My parents were in the Halloween is evil camp so we didn’t celebrate it often. Our church had the occassional Harvest festival with cider, hay rides and praise music. Honestly, I don’t really see the point in boycotting. I mean we commercialize Christmas, what’s the difference?

Technologically Crippled October 30, 2006

Our office moved last week.

We’re consolidating with another office so there is much IT confusion. I thought I’d come back to work today all set to go. Not so much. I don’t have email, network access or even legal internet connection. That’s right, I’m writing this post on bootleg connectivity.

So I can’t work on anything because all of my files are on the server. When I asked someone for help they told me to send an email or call the help desk. If only I could do either one of those options.

But I do need to give thanks that my iTunes were saved.

Vicodin Hangover October 27, 2006

I may be the first person to say no thank you to Vicodin, but that is now officially my position.

I had the worst reaction to the medication, all the side effects in the pamphlet, I experienced in full force. There was a wonderful night of vomiting, dizziness, and nausea. It’s pretty bad staggering across the room to throw up. Where were the warm fuzzies? Why do people buy this crap on the black market? So not worth it!

Excuse me I have to go lie down and pray the room stops moving.

Vicodin Window October 26, 2006

I had ear surgery this morning and I write you waiting for the Vicodin to kick in.

I’m in a crucial window right now as the anethesia starts to wear off and the radical awareness that there are 22 stitches in my ear and someone took a scalpal to it this morning slowly dawns on my nerves. This is a pivotal moment for me. I need to time it just right to head off the pain at the pass with the nerve-soothing-pain-blocking miracle that is Vicodin.

But I noticed something unsettling at the pharmacy tonight. It costs me $40/month for my insulin but I picked up 30 vicodin for $3.20.

What about that makes sense?

Spiteful Waiting October 25, 2006

I’m finishing Henri Nouwen’s Journal in Latin America, Gracias!

He is very candid about his struggles with depression as he blindly goes about his duties feeling unconnected and unsure of his call to be there more permanently. Some days he says the only thing that gets him through is the regimented routine he lives by. He lives from conversation to conversation looking for a piece of the divine in everyone he meets simply to survive another day.

I know I’ve been there, feeling lost, broken, unsure and lonely. Then being Henri Nouwen he goes on to say:

I am sure that I will find my direction in life when I search actively, move around with open eyes and ears, asking questions, and - in the midst of all that - pray constantly to discover God’s will. The Lord searches for me, I am sure, but only when I search for him too will I encounter him and will his word for me become clear. Every time I slip into an other depression, I notice that I have given up the struggle to find God and have fallen back into an attitude of spiteful waiting. (pg 13

I think that has been my attitude as of late. I have been wanting God to send me an email or add a new book to the Bible just for me with detailed instructions just for me. It doesn’t work that way. I know that but I don’t always like it.

So I have to be honest with myself and ask, how am I searching for God? What does that look like for me? Am I spending the necessary time reading the Bible and praying? Am I tapping into my spiritual resources - such as a pastor and other wise counsel. I have to open my mouth and ask for help in discerning God’s will for me. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard to admit you can’t figure it out. But I know sometimes God speaks through others.

But I think I know deep in my heart what I want to do, what I should do and what I need to do. I’m just terrified. So maybe instead of asking what to do I should ask for the courage, faith and determination to follow through. That’s harder that being vulnerable.

I’m back to God’s command to me, to jump.

Happy Birthday Dad October 23, 2006

I hate being so far away that I don’t get to celebrate family birthdays. At least with mine being so close to Christmas (the 26th) we’re usually together.

My dad had a low key day but did get to eat his favorite meal - steak and potatoes.

He and I are both on a health kick and trying to keep our blood sugars under control so carbs are at a premium. It’s fun to be able to embark on something together. My dad is one of those guys that only has about four topics he likes to talk about - God, sports, cars and now diabetes management. I’m glad that we can finally share a couple.

So here’s to health, happiness and love with and for my dad.

One Night with the King [2006] October 22, 2006

My favorite bible story of all time is Esther.

It is the story of an orphan made queen. It is the story of destiny and purpose of one girl to save her people from annihilation. From it we learn that for "such a time as this," how God’s hand on our lives will orchestrate opportunities that will not be interrupted by the evil desires of man. Our choice is to participate or not. Our choice is to have faith or not.

It is a beautiful story and I love that it is included in the bible. It shows God’s view of women. How he values them, will exalt them and put them in powerful places to accomplish the impossible, when they have faith in him. So I was thrilled to learn that it was being made into a movie.

The scenery in One Night with the King is amazing. The costumes are beautiful and the sets are elaborate. Unfortunately, like most well written stories it doesn’t fare well on the big screen. It tries to accomplish too much. There isn’t one cohesive story it is trying to tell. It gives too much background, showing historical reason for expulsion of the existing queen, the protocol for approaching the king, and religious revenge stemming from centuries ago. It loses the story, focusing too much on elements that don’t advance a plot.

The pace of the movie is slow and drawn out. Because there are so many elements grasping for attention the plot is reduced to being moved by cheesy music meant to manipulate moments and point out key developments that the script couldn’t bring to fruition.

Missing are the nuances of God’s power, provision and purpose. It should have been a story about a girl and her faith, it isn’t a love story. Like the Aslan in Narnia lacked a kingly nature Esther in this movie lacked conviction. I wanted to like it. I wanted a strong biblical epic. In the end I was just supremely disappointed.

Patterns from my past October 22, 2006

Alright, I’ve finished reading most of my journals from years 1999-2002, ages 22-25. Man oh man was I issue laden. Reading it was painful. I was hurting a lot and I couldn’t even see it. Thank goodness for good friends and good therapy.

Alright I gleaned several patterns from my past that help see where I tend to go astray when feeling restless. In one journal I even spell it out. I get tired of waiting for God to move so I take matters into my own hands.

In the past these periods are generally preceeded by:

1. Stop attending church
2. Stop praying
3. Feel the need to change something - job, where I live, or who I live with
4. Enter into inappropriate and unhealthy relationships
5.

Making my own way.

It’s all fascinating to see from this perspective. I have to stop assess my life where it is now and make sure I don’t fall into those patterns again.

Deja Vu October 22, 2006

I was sitting on my couch yesterday feeling sorry for myself because I’m bored, lonely, tired and directionless. I usually manage to placate the restlessness in my life but it is always threatening to rear its ugly head.

This restlessness is a destructive force in my life. It makes me hasty, isolated, jumpy and grouchy. In order to keep it at bay I found myself returning to old thought patterns, vices and insecurities because my life isn’t what I had planned on it being. Then in a moment of holy-spirit-inspired clarity I realized I’ve been in this place before. Actually I’ve been here at least two times before.