The roommate, as she is now affectionately named, is going on a big date tomorrow night. She is FREEEEAKING out.
It’s kind of fun to watch.
Since she only lives in two emotions, total elation or abject despair, watching her vacillate between the two is better than a front car, no hands ride on a great roller coaster. She paces around the house, screams, sighs and asks me a million questions about what she should say, do or ask.
Granted, I haven’t been on a first date in about a million years, ok three, but I don’t remember being so dramatical about it, except for when I was about 23. The date was with someone I REEEALLY liked and all my roommates gathered to help me pick out the outfit, do my hair and fix my make up. They coached me on what to do, be and say. It was so much fun. It was a group effort to make sure I was ready. Tonight maybe not be with a group but the process doesn’t change.
I think the great thing about dating in your early 20s is the naivete, hope and just sheer joy of going out. Life is about being social and keeping your calendar full and dating is the culmination of both of those goals. The intrinsic hope to every date, semi-date or group outing was the hope that you might have just met, "THE ONE."
Now dating in your 30s is completely different, you’re more cynical and jaded. Life is about your career, family and getting enough sleep. So filling up your social schedule with dates isn’t a priority. I want to spend time with people who make me laugh, who are important to me and who are fun. I don’t need the adventure of random dates anymore.
But by this point in my life I’ve been out with so many losers my hope for most dates, other than survival, is that he isn’t too big of a freak and that the conversation is decent. Gone is the delight simply at going out. In fact, gone is the little-girl fantasy that every date could be "the one." Not that I’m not excited about it but I realize it takes a little more work and I also know what I want know.
In my 20s I never worried about how I felt about him, I just wanted to make sure he liked me. I see that echoed in the roommate’s questions and fears. She can’t yet see who she is or all the amazing things she has to offer. I gently remind her that she owes him nothing and that she needs to make sure and stop to see how she feels. Does he deserve her? Her biggest fear, deep down, is that she isn’t enough.
So, I suppose it’s a little sad that the naivete is gone, but at the same time I have so much less tolerance for ridiculousness. I don’t feel the need to date every guy that might ask just to go out or know that someone wants me. I like being by myself and I’m finally liking who I am.
After a long week at work nothing brings me more joy than staying home, eating take out and watching a movie. The wonderful quiet. Would it be nice to share with someone, absolutely. Is it a necessity? Not anymore.
Filed under: Relationshipping
Marti- You have excellent insight. However, instead of being jaded and cynical, I like to think of it as just being more mature. You are right, in your 20s, on first dates, you are consumed with how the other person is feeling, what they are thinking, etc. By the time you are in your 30s you realize that you are pretty darn special and the roles reverse, the other person should be as special as you. I think it just takes some time getting to know yourself and it doesn’t usually happen until you hit your 30s, unfortunately, usually after about a million bad 1st dates. Take it from me, I was a master of horrible 1st dates.
PS. You should write a book! Your stories would be hilarious to read!
I have to argue that maturity comes with sarcasm
As I gal in her 30s I can appreciate this. And I appreciate myself and my time more now that I’m in my 30s. I don’t just date to date anymore, like you said. I can have a great time out with my friends instead or at home with myself! If I’m dating a guy it’s because I think he’s worth it. No more dating for dating’s sake!
I’ve been enjoying your blog after I’ve stumbled across it. Cheers!
Well it’s interesting hearing about it from a girls’ perspective. As a guy in my 30s who hasn’t dated since his early 20s the title of this jumped right out at me.
The guy’s perspective is almost reversed of the womans’, if your psynopsis is at all prevalent across the western feminine world.
As a guy in your early 20s, you dont really care what they think; you’re so s.hit hot that you couldn’t give a damn, the whole date thing seems like a neccesary evil to get the girl in the sack.
As a guy in your 30s, you’re in the role of the woman in her 20s – making sure you look good enough, thinking she may be the one, wondering what she’ll think and trying to concoct these elaborate schemes of paraphasing and figuring out how you will not only ask questions about what she’s talking about so you can show her your actually listening, but also trying to lead in to the big questions that you may have about this girl.
All I can say is… Dating sucks. I’ve never really done much of it, I was a serial monogamist until my early 30s. I kind of long for those days. Its just not so easy to meet someone, hook up, and then become serious in a week like it used to be.
But I guess; that’s the reason that I’m dating now in my 30s… Maybe because I never did it.
An interesting read anyway.
Kris, fascinating to hear a guy’s point of view. Why does it seem like men and women are always at the opposite points. Dating does suck and I’m convinced that finding someone you like, when they like you is almost a miracle.