Untalented and heartless June 29, 2006

Ok, as I procrastinated from packing tonight I flipped through channels hoping for something to pass the time. Bravo was showing a re-run of America’s Got Talent and like an accident on the freeway I had to rubber neck and see what was going on. Unfortunately there was a lot of blood and some dead bodies.

Hard to believe Regis signed on for this. David Hasseloff is the boy who tries to hard to be cool and falls hopelessly short and Brandy is uninspiring as the air-headed diva wannabe. Piers Morgan is indeed Simon 2. Spouting lines like, "you’re consumately the worst singer I’ve ever heard", and "that was dreadful"  you wonder if he watched a lot of American Idol to prep for this show.

We haven’t even gotten to the contestants that range from strippers to dancers and people balance heavy objects on their face. Each judge is given a button to buzz a bad contestant off stage and I realized this show was originally called The Gong Show. I don’t know if America has talent or not, but the show feels very scripted and there are lots of audience gimmicks. It just reeks of insincerity. This show has no heart. It is simply a rip off of several other shows. It makes me long for Star Search.

I would watch So You Think You Can Dance instead, which is also brought to you by Simon Cowell. At least on that incarnation there is legitimate talent and the judges are actual professionals working in their fields.

Glamorous Cashier June 29, 2006

After five years of undergraduate study and six or seven years of grad school to become a doctor of pharmacy it’s a shame that part of your job would be to ask, "will that be credit or debit." In my mind that is almost like asking the other famous service question, "do you want fries with that?"

As I picked up some prescriptions tonight and the pharmacist also had to ring up my trial size shampoo and conditioner I wondered if he thought this is what he’d be doing after all those years of schools. Many pharmacists also have the worst hours of any doctor - with the advent of 24-hour pharmacies, which mean holidays and weekends. I might be a little bitter about that.

That isn’t the glamour of a Beverly Hills physician, then again I think they’re the highest paid cashiers in America. The average salary range of most pharmacists is $85-100,000 a year. Not too shabby.

Losing History June 28, 2006

One of my favorite shows on HGTV is If These Walls Could Talk.

It’s all about the mystery and history of old homes. New owners will find secret passageways, signs of family drama and amazing treasures in odd places. Sometimes they’ll learn their house was a school, hospital or stop on the underground railway based on old letters, photos and other memorabilia left behind.

As I was watching the show tonight I was writing an email to my friend Laurie, who just moved to Washington. It made me realize that in 100 years we won’t have furniture that has survived the century because we buy from places like Ikea. There won’t be love letters to discover in the floor boards because we write short emails and by that time there won’t be a way to retrieve them.

Maybe I’m just a sentimental fool, but it makes me sad.

Heading North June 28, 2006

I leave in just two days to attend my dear friend Jer’s wedding.

He is getting married in Northern California wine country. I’m sure it will be beautiful and I am so excited to be going.

I’ve known Jer since our freshman year of college. We bonded over really bad journalism classes and late nights in the newspaper office. He is one of those friends that feeds my soul. I don’t know his bride-to-be, Amy, very well but I’ve heard lots about her and if he picked her I’m sure she’s fantastic.

They’ve had a rough engagement since Amy’s father was diagnosed with Leukemia. I haven’t really known how to pray through this, it just doesn’t seem fair or right somehow. I find myself asking God to shower them with his presence, peace, comfort, understanding and unity. Not just for Amy’s family but for her and Jer.

As I watch them navigate this difficult situation it makes me realize that the wedding is just one day and the marriage is about a lifetime. What a wonderful bedrock of love, endurance, patience and support they are building so early on that will sustain them for the rest of their lives. I think when you know that you can weather things like this it makes everything else easier or maybe just pale in comparison.

As I listen to him talk about her, worry about her and love her it gives me hope that there are good men out there somewhere. I can’t wait to watch them get married and truly celebrate just the very beginning with them knowing that the best really is yet to come.

I’m also using this weekend as a get-a-way with another of my favorite kindred spirit’s, Erika. She and I were supposed to take a trip for my 30th birthday but we could never get our schedules to mesh so here we are now almost two years later finally sneaking away.

I used to live in San Francisco so it isn’t a typical site seeing trip but I’m sure it will be an adventure. I can’t wait to just get away for a minute.

Dream of Speeding June 27, 2006

I haven’t remembered a dream in a while. And while I don’t remember all of last night’s what I do recall was enough to make me drive more cautiously to work this morning. Maybe my subscious is working overtime again.

I dreamed that I was speeding down the freeway, zipping along with no traffic. All of the sudden, and out of no where there was a ton of traffic and I needed to come to a screeching halt to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I immediately started bracing for the impact. I could feel my body tense. I knew it was coming, but it was all happening in slow motion. Then I woke up.  I don’t know if I was in an accident or not.

Here’s what the dream dictionary had to say about speeding, traffic and accidents. I think it all makes sense given where I am in life - kind of stalled, not sure about what’s next.

Risking Mediocrity June 24, 2006

I’ve been open about my contol freaky nature. It’s not a secret that I’m stubborn or that I hate change. These are all issues God’s been working on as I pray for guidance, vision, wisdom and courage in my life right now. One of the things I’m learning is how hard I fight to hold onto the status quo.

I want to move on and yet I find myself making the same choices over and over again that keep me in the same situation, within the same boundaries. I want my life to be different. I want purpose. I want fulfillment without actually having to take any risks, have much faith or leave what I know.

I thought that God would bring the new life to me on my couch. Now that is a slight exaggeration but the sentiment is still the same. I want to follow him. I want to live an abundant life where I am at the center of his will. The mantra of my heart is Jeremiah 29:11. God’s plans for me are to prosper, they’re good and will give me a good future. Why can’t I get there, what is in the way?

For a while I thought my past was in the way. So I worked on that, but the ache and longing in my soul is still there. Then I thought there’d be a magical spiritual formula you know two parts prayer, one part fasting and the occassional spirit work. But that wasn’t working either. The obstacles in the path were/are my will, attitudes, preconceived ideas and putting God in a very small box.

Then the still small voice I try to drive out with distraction told me I operate from the confines of what I know. Again no room for serendipity and my will is wrapped around everything. I want a big life without big effort or big changes.

It is a question of realigning my priorities. It’s about letting go. It’s about surrender and embracing something beyond myself. God will use my past for his glory, especially now that I don’t let it dictate my life. What am I afraid to let go of? Is it just a habit that needs to be cultivated? It is definitely an overhaul of how I think. Aaahh, its the classic death to self that needs to happen. Where I abandon all that I am, have, want and think I need for the greater glory of God and to be able to receive what he has for me.

In this transition at work I’ve been given a new job that would have been my ideal about three years ago. It would be easy to say this is God’s will for me, but I know it’s not. It’s not about how much money I have. It’s not about title. It’s not about position.

It’s about doing what I was created to do. It’s about feeding my soul with what God has called me to accomplish. The restlessness is because I am pushing my agenda in a career and ultimately life that I want, which just breeds discontentment, fear and uncertainty. But yet I wouldn’t let go.

I’m not quite sure how I’ll pry my fingers off yet but as the anxiety and discontment grows I’m sure it will happen. God is giving me his dream for my life. In order to grasp it I will have to make a giant leap, but instead of only agreeing to jump off the bottom rung of the ladder, I want to climb all the way to the top and fly.

My ideal location June 22, 2006

I happened on the site Find Your Spot that asked me approximately 50 lifestyle questions and presto chango a list of my ideal cities to live in was generated. Based on my travel needs, religious affiliation, climate desires and entertainment preferences I should live in Norfolk, VA.

I’ve considred lots of places to live and I can honestly say that no city in VA ever came up. It’s something to think about. I wish they had questions asking about industry built into the feature, it would be interesting to see what lined up with my other preferences.

My ideal location for the last 13 years has been Southern California. You definitely get spoiled by the weather here. There are a ton of things to do, where else can you be in the mountains, desert and beach all in one day. I never stop to think about weather when making plans, other than the occassion rain storm.

But honestly, I miss the midwest. It would be hard to leave CA, but I’m more ready all the time. Who knows, I might end up in Norfolk.

According to the quiz, these are my other top choices:

Can you handle more Simon? June 19, 2006

Simon Cowell has spawned a new show, America’s Got Talent, hosted by Regis Philbin. The judges in this incarnation are Brandy, David Hasseloff and someone named Piers Morgan. I’m imagining Morgan will play the part of the acerbic Brit in this formula.

I’d think that Brandy and David would be the first contestants on the show, not the judges. If they knew talent their careers might have them perched on top of the charts or ratings not on stools judging others. Does running down the beach qualify you as someone who’d recognize talent?

Isn’t it amazing how all the shows feature two men and one woman judge. Think about it, from American Idol to So You Think You Can Dance to Dancing with the Stars all feature this same scenario. American Inventor features three men and one woman, the ratio gets even worse. Is that an indication of the credibility women have as judges? Interesting. Something to think about.

Got your passport? June 19, 2006

No more skating by on your driver’s license or birth certificate when entering other countries in the Western Hemisphere. As of December 31, 2006 all U.S. citizens travelling by air or sea to or from Mexico, Canada, Bermuda, the Caribbean and Central or South America are required to have a passport. This will extend to land travel by December 31, 2007.

I didn’t know this until today. I used to fly to Mexico City with just my birth certificate all the time. Although it did get increasingly difficult after 9-11. I’ve been meaning to renew my passport for a while so I guess this is the kick in the butt I needed.

Some resorts in the Caribbean and Bermuda are offering to rebate the cost of your passport, up to $97, when you book a say by July 31, 2006 for travel in 2007. That is creative marketing. Very clever.

Bridges June 19, 2006

I’ve had a bad attitude about my life lately.

I’m not getting the answers I want about my job or life in general so I am throwing an emotional and prayerful fit. Sometimes I wish I were two, when I could just throw myself on the floor, scream, cry and flail my arms and legs. Then at least it would be a fit with exercise, instead of just sleepless nights and mental exhaustion.

I got an email today from a friend who gave me a new perspective and something to think about. I’m taking it as the word from the Lord I’ve been praying for:

God’s giving you a bridge for this season of your life, and our bridges usually aren’t when and where we would want them to be - but don’t overlook that he’s providing for you and giving you a safe harbor, whether that’s temporary or long-term. Sometimes the situations we’re dead set against are transformed in the most unexpected ways!

So as I see it, I have some options and a decision to make. I can refuse to cross the bridge, stop dead in my tracks and do nothing, keeping the bad attitude and let it fester to form bitterness and resentment. I can walk across the bridge enjoying the scenery in anticipation of what is to come. Or my final option is to just jump off and try to create my own way, living again in my own control and limited scope of vision and ability.

Interesting options. In the past I would have chosen option number three. This is really a powerless move because I am operating in my own limited strength. I always wondered why this choice felt like I was swimming upsteam and this is why. Granted, I found really spiritual ways to justify this bad decision. I would have said that God is just closing the door. It sounded like I was following God’s will but really I was creating my own.

The Beth Moore study I’m doing right now is really speaking to this and helping me see how I need to think about my life differently in order to have more direction and vision for what I’m doing. The focus this week is on the role of the Holy Spirit and how it operates in the world and in our lives. In summary, God provides the will. Jesus is the Word. The Holy Spirit is the way. So doing anything outside of that order is fruitless and powerless. It is akin to jumping off the bridge to swim upstream.

"Ooh I see," says the grasshopper. So I need to stop throwing fits. I can’t quit because it’s getting hard. This is the part where I take risks, have faith and wait for the serendipity to play out. I still have no idea but I can enjoy the ride.

It’s amazing that God would speak to me with a metaphor that just grabs me. I love bridges. I made my friends walk about two miles to get to the Brooklyn Bridge in NY. I made Brian stop in the remotest locations on our trek across the US to get a picture of a covered bridge. They amazing because of their size, strength and beauty.

But the most interesting thing about a bridge is what you can see from it. Usually you’re suspended high above the earth. Have you ever been on the Golden Gate Bridge when its especially windy? You are moving, that bridge is swinging, you have no idea which direction you’re going, but you know you’re safe. A bridge is the epitome of being sustained. "Aaaahhh," said the grasshopper again. "I’ve heard this somewhere before."

As I continued to battle and rage with this notion of dependence it hit me that is just the first part of the whole concept. It felt like a huge giant effort. The real essence of dependence is found in God as I let go and he sustains me. This is the part of the equation where I can do nothing for myself. It means that I am wholly and completely out of control and held in the balance by God. I got a picture of being held above the situation, problem and completely supported by nothing that I could provide for myself. So really my part was very small.

My topical study wasn’t in vain. Psalm 89:21 God says: My hand will sustain him; surely my arm will strengthen him.

That is where I want to be, sustained by God. It doesn’t mean the problem goes away. It doesn’t mean clarity comes in an instant it just means that as I wait I am not alone. It means that it is not my power. How easy it is to forget that.

Oh how easily I forget.