Dating Punch Card March 28, 2006

One of the benefits of being in a committed relationship is the freedom and privilege to stop dating.

For those who have been married so long they don’t remember the joys of dating, let me remind you there are LOTS of weird people on this planet. So finding a semi-decent one to hang out with consistently, who actually likes you back, is almost a miracle. Just the thought of jumping back into the dating pool makes me pretend to have just eaten a giant meal, but one day I will be ready.

As I begin to contemplate the notion of entertaining the idea I’ve decided that I want this next go round to be different. I want to believe that the freak parade of my 20s was enough. Surely I’ve learned enough and ironed out enough of my issues to not repeat the same mistakes.

I don’t need the pretty yet dumb guy again, as fun as that was. I certainly don’t want the angry, drunk frat boy again, that was just scary and where I think I picked up the frequent use of the word, dude. Please oh please save me from the ambivalent narcissist, whose confidence sucked me in but inability to think outside of himself drove me crazy.

As I was lamenting the ghosts of dating past to my mother she suggested I make a chart of issues and punch out the ones I’ve already tried, that way I can at least experience new neurosis.

Think about that in execution. You’re at dinner with a guy who constantly talks about himself, never asks you one question. You know the one that gazes into your eyes but you’re not sure if he’s looking at you or just the reflection of himself. You can now look at your card and can say, sorry dude I’ve already dated the self-centered creep, I’m gonna go now.

It might work.

Literary Journalism March 23, 2006

Talking to one of my freelancers today I learned a new journalistic genre - literary journalism.

She’s applying to j school and came in today to fill me in on the details. Since my B.A. is in journalism, it still holds a soft spot in my heart and I love to talk to people about grad school in general. As she told me what she wanted to do with the degree she mentioned that her B.A. is in literary journalism. I had never heard of that before. Apparently it’s known also as new journalism, creative non-fiction and literature of fact.

It’s basically the art of storytelling using literary devices such as narrative arc, suspense, foreshadowing, etc. That sounds fascinating. It’s the art of writing, as opposed to just the inverted pyramid. UCI has a great program I wonder if I can take some classes. This is perfect for feature writing or perhaps memoirs.

Maybe I’m just going through school withdrawl. I’m jonesing to learn something new. Since everything else is up in the air I want to go back to school.

But I do want to move into an editorial field and I wish my writing skills were stronger. Something to think about it.

Sign I’m Getting Older March 22, 2006

I was completely sucked in by the ads and thought that unless I had an iPod I would shrivel up and die.

How else really could I conceivably listen to music unless I too had the white head phones connecting me to 40 million gigs of music. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of having sitcoms and photos at my command. Think of the stellar Aunt I could be if I only had photos at my finger tips to torture people with. That’s not all, I could upload video of the little buggers just sitting and being cute.

If only I had an iPod.

But alas I don’t. I just couldn’t see forking over the $400 or so to get one. Do I really need one? Will I really use it? See these are questions I wouldn’t have ever asked myself in my 20s. Instead I would have just gotten one and then worried about its necessity later.

Then as a Christmas present work got us iPod nanos. Now not the fancy schmancy versions I was lusting after but still portable music nonetheless. I can now carry 512 of my favorite songs wherever I go.

That would require that I remove it from the box. I guess I don’t need it after all.

Happy Birthday Mike March 21, 2006

My favorite and only sibling turns 29 today.

It’s odd to think that he’s that old. When did that happen?

As kids, we were best friends. We’re only two years apart and since we moved so much the only people we relied on were each other.

As adults, life takes its twists and turns and we aren’t as close as we once were. I guess that happens sometimes. We now lead very different lives but I love him dearly, especially since he gave me my two favorite people (Mikey and Jordy). Nice of him to do that for me I love seeing him as a father, it is such a kick. He’s really strict but so loving. He makes the time to do what each boy loves to do, even if its not something he enjoys.

He still tries to pretend he’s older than me, but that’s okay. At the end of the day we would do anything for one another.

Happy Birthday Mike.

Working from Home March 21, 2006

It’s 9:58 a.m. I just hung up from a conference call with one of my favorite vendors. As I reach for my coffee I realize that I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. That’s ok, I can run to the bathroom and do that, not because I’m one of those people that always carries a toothbrush and toothpaste but because I’m working from home. Oh yea, did I mention, I’m still in my jammies. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

I just realized that one of the benefits of organized chaos is freedom. Because of all the craziness at work my boss has given me permission to work from home whenever I need to. In fact, she told me yesterday that I don’t take advantage of it nearly enough.

Not anymore sister, I’m thinking I’ll work from home three days a week. How glorious is that.

Pride and Prejudice [2005] March 19, 2006

I know I said I wouldn’t but I finally succombed to my curiosity and rented Pride and Prejudice, the remake with Kiera Knightley. I think I was tempted when I saw her at the Oscars.

I was blown away. The script is amazing, it takes all of the key elements and seemlessly blends them into a beautiful story, without compromising original intent. The cinematography is beautiful and not just the expansive landscapes but the feel of the movie.

Donald Sutherland and Brenda Blethyn are perfect leaders for the Bennett brood of girls. They capture the love and playfullness that allows for the variety of characters that exist in their family from the beautiful shy Jane to the brooding and serious Mary.

Kiera Knightley is a strong Elizabeth. She captures her precociousness and witty nature without being a brat. I love the scenes where she stands up to Mr. Darcy and the insufferable Lady Catherine de Bourg with confidence.

Seeing Jena Malone (Stepmom) all grown up was a shock. She’s great at the empty-headed, giggly Lydia who runs off with Mr. Wickham threatening the marriagability of her sisters.

The most surprisingly element of the film, for me, is Matthew MacFayden, Mr. Darcy. He delivers an amazing performance that rivals Colin Firth. He adds an extra dimension or layer to this well-known personality in that we can actually see his shyness. Rather than just playing him as aloof and haughty we see his inner turmoil, struggle to engage and quiet strength of character, amazing. I was enthralled.

This movie is fantastic! I was not surprised at all to see that Emma Thompson, who adapted Sense and Sensability, had her hand in the revision. The results are breathtaking and a fabulous story.

Sunset Beach March 18, 2006

After brunch at the Harborside Cafe, with my friend Jeff, we walked down to Sunset beach.

I live only minutes from the beach but I don’t go nearly often enough. I forget how much I love it until I get there. I took off my shoes and walked down to the shore. The beach itself was pretty empty. There were a couple of die-hard surfers and a family or two, but for the most part we had the beach to ourselves.

Jeff left for the office and I decided to plop down on the sand and stay for a while. I folded up the edge of my pants, wiggled my toes in the sand, and tried to soak up the sun.  I could feel the spray on my face as the wind whipped right through me. I burrowed deep into my coat and just breathed in the clean, salty air.

Even though the beach was empty it was loud. The wind and surf were deafening, it was perfect. I couldn’t even hear myself think and I just kind of zoned. It’s easy to get lost in the waves.

As I sat there completely unaware of time my mind turned to God. The winds swirling around me made me think of how engulfed by the ocean I was. It filled all my senses. Psalms about God’s majesty and power make much more sense to me in moments like these.

3 The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

4 Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
       mightier than the breakers of the sea—
       the LORD on high is mighty.
Psalm 93:3-4

Yet the thing that really struck me as I sat there was that when you spend time at the beach it stays with you all day. Your skin absorbs the sun and air. The sand transfers to everything you took with you. Your hair is wind-blown and the smell of the sea stays in your memory. Once out of the wind and sun I’m always a little tired and yet energized.

It’s just like spending time with God and his all-encompassing presence….

Once the the frantic race of my heart and mind settles all I can hear is the sound of my breath. I can almost feel myself slip away, but I’m more aware that I am not alone. As I am diminished his presence increases proportionally until it runs over and is as loud as the waves.

Then I am truly saturated in his presence and it is relaxing. I feel loved and taken care. My needs fade away along with the worry, fear and anxiety. I’m keenly aware of the change. It is just me and God, I am in a holy place with him. It takes me a while to get there but once I do it’s transformational. It changes my perspective on everything. I’m finally out of my own head and at rest.

Just like trips to the beach I’m not intentional about making time for this type of communion with God either. Once I’m there I try to stay as long as I can, I remember how much I love it and wonder why I don’t make it a priority. I always promise myself and God that I will. But sadly I don’t.

Dream Job List March 18, 2006

I watched the Chefography of Ina Garten, host of Barefoot Contessa today. It’s fascinating to see how these famous chef’s got to their own show. It’s rarely the path you’d expect and mostly about just following their passion.

Ina had quite the ride, she followed her love for entertaining out of a job that bored her in the White House into the unknown world of a retail food store. After many successful years she decided to move on again to a bigger challenge, if only she could figure out what it was. She spent the better part of a year trying to determine what that would be.

Getting restless in the down time she got together with a friend and made a list of criteria that her dream job would have. There were only four things on the list. Four seemingly impossible things. Ina said they just laughed and laughed thinking she’d never have the opportunity to actually do find a job that let her do those things. So of course you know what happened, she now has the job that matches all of her heart’s desires because in hind sight she said she was willing to jump off a cliff when necessary.

The key is dreaming, imagining something bigger and better and not being afraid. It seems so simple, cheesy and made of everything I’d make fun of or be cynical about, but so true. For so long I was stuck living in fear of the other shoe that I missed out on dreaming. I settled in every area. That got me thinking if I could make a list of my ideal job criteria what would it be? So I took a stab at a list of my four dream job qualities, I don’t think I’m ready to dream of the impossible yet…

Good Grief March 16, 2006

I often wonder how long you’re supposed to grieve a lost relationship.

While it was my decision to end it, there is still a lot of emotion tied to its demise - anger, sadness, relief, and fear. At first I was crying, moping and eating because I missed him. I was sad that we weren’t going to be together. I was angry that we got back together. I was knee-deep in the mess of mourning the loss of our future together.

I think this is where I stopped the last time we broke up. I decided to keep seeing him instead of grieving. At the time I couldn’t process the emotions, it was too hard. Maybe I was just afraid I’d end up alone.

This time many of my usual tools of distractions were gone - school ended, work was slow, and I don’t know many people in South Orange county. I was literally left alone with my thoughts and it was a very scary place to be.

When Grandpa died I was thrust into an emotional place, whether I wanted to be or not. I fell back in a couple of destructive patterns but for the most part I let myself cry when I need to cry, be sad, be alone and just feel. Feelings are weird. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with them. They creep up on you and explode at the strangest times.

All of this is making this break up with Brian different from the last time. We still have some things to detangle in our lives and I saw him a couple of weeks ago to figure out what we’re going to do. An unexpected outcome of our visit was that I realized most of my feelings for him were gone. So all of the crying, sadness and venting of anger is paying off.

I no longer got an ache in my stomach when I saw him. I didn’t secretly want him to hug me or hold my hand. The connection was gone. Last week I copied the photos of our relationship to a CD and put it in a box but deleted them from my computer. I looked at a couple of them as they were burning to the disc and I didn’t really feel anything, not even sadness, just closure. I know it’s for the best that we’re not together.

It helped me see that in some regards I am moving on. I’m over Brian but not ready to start dating. I need to stand still for a second. I know that my future doesn’t include Brian but I can’t imagine a new person in his place just yet.

It just takes time. UGH! One more thing that I don’t have an answer for. I want an exact date when I know I’ve processed all I can, that I’m healthy and ready to find someone new. Yet the very thought of that scares me to death and makes me very sad. I guess I’m still in the middle of it.

The Brook Dried Up March 16, 2006

I am on the cusp of many changes, the problem is I don’t know what most of them are.

I might have a new job within our organization or I might be looking for a new job. My lease is up soon but where I live will depend in my job so I can’t make any decisions on anything. I am literally suspended in mid air like one of those commercials for digital picture making. I’m trying to depend on God and let him sustain me but it’s hard to wait and I hate not knowing.

Yesterday we had an all-staff meetings where some of the organizational changes were announced. Of course none of the changes that affect me directly were fully addressed, but that is neither here nor there.

Some key people are leaving and our president took the time to share with us four good reasons for staff to leave. They were all ones I’d heard before: stage of life, stirring of God, season of healing, and sense of greater calling.

But he explained stirring of God with a verse that I had never paid attention to before in 1 Kings 17. This is the passage where God sends Elijah to the ravine to hide after he prophesies to Ahab that the only rain to come will be at God’s hand. He is completely dependent on and sustained by God. Elijah drinks from the brook and is being fed by the ravens.  But in verse 7 it all changes and it says: The brook dried up because there had been no rain.

Sometimes God alters the course of our life and gets us to move by drying up the brooks in our life. For me that is often a job, relationship or restlessness that moves me in another direction. Maybe he does that because its cushy to stay where the water is. It’s easy to say put when things are going well. I need to be motivated to strike out in a new course and if the brook dries up I have no choice. I am forced to run to him for answers and let him sustain me as he guides me in a new path.

I suppose the key is to listen, seek God and know when to act and when to be still. God came through with new plans for Elijah. I know he will do the same for me. Maybe my brook isn’t dried up yet and I’m refusing to drink. I’m getting so thirsty and dehydrated because I’m acting like the water is gone and God is telling me - I am giving you water, drink.