Growing Up February 26, 2006

Thanks to the help of Friendster my friend P from high school found me. I haven’t seen or heard from her since I was 24 or 25. I was in NY, where she lives, for work and we had dinner with her new husband and another friend from high school.

Back in the day there were four of us that hung out all the time. We were all foreigners in Mexico City and sometimes I think that was our biggest bond. But most weekends we’d meet at P’s house, sit out on her huge balcony with a killer view of the city, eat Domino’s pizza and talk about most everything, let’s face it at 16 most of it was sex. But of course we thought we were invincible and had big plans for our lives.

Flash forward 15 years. P told me that she just got divorced and our other friend is about to be a father. Since when are we old enough to be getting divorced and having babies? None of us had dreams of being rock stars or anything and it isn’t that our plans weren’t realized, but when did we get old enough to get divorced and have babies? How do you go from 16 to in your 30s? The weight of our age just hit me.

Sure I have lots of friends that have gotten married, divorced, had babies, bought houses, gotten sick, etc. But this set of friends is different. When I think about them I see us at P’s house, on the balcony, eating pizza and planning our future. I guess in my head we would forever be 16. It is the part of me that remained young. Silly I suppose but I don’t have many memories of us beyond that age.

At 16 we had so much time. At 16 all things were possible. Yes I know that 31 isn’t ancient, but 40 is looking younger and younger. I still have a ton that I want to go. My life hasn’t exactly turned out like I thought, in some ways that’s good, in other ways not so much.

I guess this is all the stuff that happens at reunions, thank goodness that Brits aren’t sentimental and we don’t have those.

Unexpected Application February 25, 2006

I was talking to a friend at work the other day and she casually mentioned that she was using a paper I wrote for my ethics class called, "In light of Jesus’ teaching on divorce how should our attitude about marriage change" as a bible study with some friends.

At the time it didn’t really digest. Then as I was driving around today it hit me, that’s cool.

I sent it to her months ago because of a conversation that we had about divorce in the church. I never heard back from her about it. I just figured she didn’t read it or didn’t like it.

Who knew?!

The Perfect Man [2005] February 25, 2006

I was drawn to a movie where Heather Locklear has trouble finding the right one.

It seemed improbable and down right ridiculous. Then I remembered Halle Berry and her disastrous marriages and then decided to watch to see how the beautiful, in an albeit fictional story, suffer just like I do.

Jean Hamilton (Locklear) is a single mother with two daughters who keeps dating losers and when they cheat, lie, steal and leave her she moves to a new city. Their latest move is to Brooklyn. Her oldest daughter, Holly (Duff), decides that she’s done moving and creates a perfect man to keep her mom distracted from her newest find. The problem is that her mom falls for the imaginary man and she has to find a substitute to safe guards her mom’s self-esteem and happiness.

Jean has to learn that she is perfect as she is on her own before she can find the right one. Holly has to learn to let down her defenses to love, inspite of the example her mom has taught her of running from pain and heartbreak.

This is mostly a teen movie, Duff is definitely the main character. There are typical hijinks and stunts but the message is true. You can’t run you have to stay put and face your biggest obstacle to your happiness - yourself.

Reconnecting to the Divine February 24, 2006

They say things happen in threes.

My grandpa died February 2. My boss’ grandma died February 4. My friend’s grandpa died February 10.

We are all grieving together. Each grandparent was considered to have had a long life. But preparing your heart and mind for the fact that they are gone is difficult.

My boss’ grandma was cremated and she has her memorial service next week. She was asked to say something and is preparing her speech today. She sent me a poem she wrote to see if it was okay. We started an email correspondance that took an interesting turn.

Me: That’s a beautiful poem. I couldn’t read it without crying, so good luck.

Boss: I’m like a crying moron here. I have a week to use up the tear supply.

Me: I know this is hard. It sucks and I am so sorry.

Boss: Oh, friend - we’re both going through it!  It sucks and it’s hard, but it was God’s timing.  So it’s just one of those things that hurts, but you have a peace about it, you know?

Me: It’s one of those things that you’re so happy for them to be in a better place and so sad for yourself to be left behind. When my brother and sister-in-law told my nephews that Abuelo Manuel died, Jordy, the four year old, started crying. My sister-in-law hugged him and said, "it’s ok, he’s not sick anymore." Jordy said, I’m sad because everyone dying gets to go to heaven and see God and I don’t." Isn’t that the truth. 

Boss: Wisdom from the mouth of kids - amazing, isn’t it? I think God instills that kind of wisdom in all of us, just as we grow up we try to engineer it out as part of the "maturing" process.

Me: It’s sad that we lose touch with that part of ourselves.

Boss: Which is why I play with play doh regularly to reconnect.  The essence of little kid souls is in there, you know.

Me: I do know what you mean. That’s why I like to color and paint. It makes me feel carefree and I can think. Maybe that’s why when I’m listening I like to doodle.

Everyone talks about the innocence of children and the common wisdom that they share. My question is how can we as adults access that and bring some of that simplicity back into to our hurried, chaotic and sometimes painful lives?

I think it’s often just a matter of settling down and getting quiet, waiting to hear the still small voice that’s there waiting for our attention. For me the mere idea of that is daunting and scary. Do I really want to hear what God has to say? Maybe that’s why I stay distracted with "adult" things.

But I hunger for the comfort, love and acceptance found in that place, so shouldn’t it be more important to me? How do I get there? Perhaps returning to the simple activities of childhood will open our minds and hearts to hear or at least be more receptive that voice. Activities that might make us feel foolish in our adult wisdom will shift our mindset and perspective to completely change our lives and idea of who God is and how he operates.

I was so touched by Jordy’s statement. Perhaps that is some of the pain of death, that they get to move on out of the harsh, often cruel world and we are left to fight. It’s the same longing of our soul to be at completely peace and rest responds to their passing with a twinge of jealousy and a reminder that this world is not all there is. In light of eternity my distractions aren’t so important.

Maybe that is why the innocence of children is so alluring and refreshing because it takes us back to a place where God is nearer. Where heaven just seems a bit closer. I think I might be more willing to feel a tad foolish if I could be closer to the divine.

Who Watched the Olympics? February 23, 2006

Apparently not many. NBC was plagued with lower than average Olympic ratings. It didn’t help that the US team didn’t perform as expected.

I wonder if Olympics are capable of big business and big ratings like they once were. I remember as a kid we’d all gather round the tv to watch our favorite sports and cheer on the USA. But that was also when we were rooting for them against Russia. Aah yes the good ole days of the Cold War. I just wonder in a post-cold war and post 9-11 era if the Olympics carry the same spirit. Especially now that most every sport is dominated by professionals.

Do the Olympics really mean as much as they used to? They don’t seem to inspire the same sense of patriotism in the face of terrorism, hurricanes, etc. Our borders and world is a lot smaller these days. What were once major rivalries are now just friendly competition. It went from being like Super Bowl Sunday to a jv girls softball game. Still important to some but for a large portion of the population, not so much.

Happiness February 21, 2006

"It’s afterward you realize that the feeling of happiness you had with a man didn’t necessarily prove that you loved him"

-Marguerite Duras, French filmmaker

Repurposing a Honeymoon February 19, 2006

One of the things Brian and I did have planned was our honeymoon.

We went to a presentation on timeshares and signed up for a trial package that gives you a free 7 day and 6 night vacation in one of 10 locations that would be perfect. We had decided on Kuaui and I even sent in my vacation request to the agency to reserve our week.

Now that the relationship is over and the wedding definitely off I still have this vacation that I need to use within the next year. I contemplated a week away with girlfriends, giving it to my parents, or even just letting it lapse and forgetting about it altogether.

Then I came up with a great idea of making it a family vacation. How fun would it be to go with Mikey and Jordy. Now we just had to plan around my work schedule and their school schedules to figure out when we could go. Christmas break seemed to be the best time. So we investigated flight costs to Hawaii in December and yikes, about $900 a person. That’s a little crazy.

So one of the other locations to chose from is Orlando. I’m not getting married and now I’m going to Disney World - whi hoo!!

Actually I’m excited about going with the boys. They’re going to love it. Mikey has been hinting not too subtly that his friends have been and he has not so it’s time to go. Unfortunately we can’t tell them until about two minutes before we leave otherwise they’ll go crazy and ask every three minutes when we’re leaving and we’re still 10 months away.

It’s going to be fun. Making the trip about family and especially the boys makes it something to look forward to. I can’t wait.

Day of Blah February 18, 2006

It’s 6:39 p.m. and I am still in my jammies.

I have done blessed little today beyond the confines of my couch. The only time I’ve gotten up is to change the DVD. I’ve watched two movies - Kinsey and House of D. I’ve seen at least three episodes of What Not to Wear, a couple of While You Were Out and some Tivo’d episodes of Sex in the City.

I think I’m in a funk. I’ve been crying at the oddest things and no I’m not PMSing. So don’t ask.

Either that or my sugar is really off. If it’s too high I tend to get lethargic. I’d do a finger prick but that would mean I’d need to get up. I have to take a shot soon, I’ll do it then.

Power February 18, 2006

"In order to have an enemy, one must be somebody. One must be a force before he can be resisted by another force. A malicious enemy is better than a clumsy friend."

- Anne-Sophie Swetchine, French-Russian author

House of D [2004] February 18, 2006

After watching Kinsey this morning I needed to cleanse my mind. I thought about a Disney movie but decided on House of D, David Duchovny’s writing and directorial debut. It didn’t disappoint.

This is an emotional coming of age story about a boy in New York who is forced to grow up way to fast and find support in odd places.

The story is framed with the adult Tom Warshaw, an American artist living in Paris, deciding to tell his story and return to confront the demons of his past so he can heal his relationship with his son and wife.

In between we travel to NY in the 70s and realize what made Tom run. The story begins the year after his father dies of cancer and his mother is struggling to move on. He counts out her sedatives to make sure she isn’t taking too many, puts her to bed and performs just to see her laugh for a second. He turns to his retarded friend, Papass as a companion and he finds a substitute mother and guidance in an incarcerated woman, he calls Lady, in a local House of Detention.

Unfortunately at 13, when he felt he should have become a man, his life began to unravel and he loses everything. The story also unravels at the end and becomes fantastical. It’s a 13-year old solution to the problem and a man has to return to fix and face it.

This critically panned movie might be a little cliche and shallow in places but I liked it. It’s all heart. It’s definitely worth renting.