A large portion of my class today was spent on techniques for marital therapy. We got sidetracked in a discussion about predictors of marital success and failure. Seems most things you think will save your marriage won’t and things you think will sink your marriage aren’t a predictor at all. Go figure. This is all based on the research of John Gottman, one of the leading marriage researchers in the world. Visit his site and take the relationship quiz, to see how well you’re doing.
Anyway, onto the predictors.
Marital Success Predictors
1. Resolving Problems – does not predict anything, couples who fail in marriage never resolve 69% of problems. Couples who succeed in their marriage never resolve 69% of problems.
2. Avoiding Conflict – does not predict success, in fact its a predictor of failure.
3. Giving value to one another’s advice – HIGH PREDICTOR, especially from the man. Women respond especially high to this as an important component to the success of the relationship.
4. Equality in Marriage- HIGH PREDICTOR in our culture.
5. Having enough money – does not predict sucess, even poor people can have a happy relationship
6. Making the relationship a priority – HIGH PREDICTOR – DUH!
7. Having good friends as a couple – does not predict
8. Good sex life – does not predict – sorry guys, even people who have great sex still get divorced.
9. Being good friends with each other – HIGH PREDICTOR – funny you have to actually like your spouse for the marriage to work
10. Having children – does not predict, so having a child does not save your marriage
11. Being in love – does not predict, love is only the beginning and should be a verb not a feeling
12. Being able to disagree – HIGH PREDICTOR – means both people are present and involved
Marital Unhappiness/Failure Predictors
1. Aruging – does not predict failure
2. Criticizing – HIGH PREDICTOR of failure, especially for men, they are especially sensitive
3. Ignoring Problems – HIGH PREDICTOR – sounds right
4. Sacrificing Yourself for your partner! – HIGH PREDICTOR – you need to maintain a healthy sense of self and make sure you stay differentiated. If you’re catering to them you are probably getting boring and predictable. This is not to be confused with compromise – totally different.
5. Harsheness on the part of the wife – see #2 – men are more sensitive than we thought
6. Contemptuousness – HIGH PREDICTOR, this is the final step in the breakdown of communication
7. Differences in Sexual Desire – does not predict, again, sorry guys, this is empirical scientific research
8. Lack of talking (introvert) – does not predict
9 Depression in one or both partners – HIGH PREDICTOR
10. Physical exhaustion – does not predict – take a nap, stop being so damn grouchy
11. Job Stress – does not predict – be supportive
12. One person makes all the decision – HIGH PREDICTOR – it takes two to make a good marriage, see #4.
13. Passage of time – does not predict
14. Emotional or verbal withdrawal (stonewalling, shut down) – HIGH PREDICTOR. Men are the ones most culpable of this. They get emotionally flooded and can’t take it and since women can do the laundry, balance the checkbook and tell their spouse why they suck we stay connected a lot of the time. It’s a gift 
Very interesting.
Filed under: Psychobabbling
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