Draft Resignation Letter

I was dying to give my resignation letter today, but I have to wait until next week. I decided I should start drafting the letter, to make sure that I get the right tone. Here is draft #1.

October 1, 2004

Napoleon
Seagull Dictator/President
Lug Nut Land

Dear Napoleon:

Please accept this as formal notice of my resignation of the position as Marketing Manager for Lug Nut Land dba Looneyville Products, effective immediately. At this time I would like to tell you what you and this company have meant to me over the last three years.

It is due to your guidance and mentorship that I’ve realized that I am a complete idiot incapable of original thought and creativity. This will surely guide me as I move forward in life and in pursuit of my master’s degree. Without your step-by-step instructions of every task you’ve ever given me I don’t know if I would have had the stamina or intelligence to finish.

Thank you for not giving me an adequate budget to do my job. It let us recycle the same ads for 5 years in a row, decrease all direct marketing efforts and employ less effective sales promotions, ensuring the corrosion of our brand and loss of several competitive advantages. Moreover, your continual desire to mimic our competitors and all efforts to guarantee that we are followers instead of leaders in our industry has set the standard for mediocrity. BRAVO!

Your constant barrage of unconstructive criticism over every decision and attempt to be proactive have helped me stay unmotivated and completely ambivalent to the success of this company. That unhelpful support gave me every opportunity to do my homework, instant message my friends and lately post to my blog. I can’t thank you enough for your inspiring words, "your knowledge is a disadvantage to this company," which encouraged me to follow my dreams and move on.

I wish you continued success with your seagull management and low producing company.

Sincerely,
Marti (the recently freed)

Do you think that’s too much? What am I missing? Is that too bitter?

hadashi said…

of course i need to say in my most soothing tone: you waited this long. you can wait a few more days. i know you want to give your notice NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW but maybe you’re waiting so you can vent all the stored resentment and venom in a safer manner (like the hilarious resignation letter) and then exit with grace and integrity and a peaceful mind, not in anger and bitterness and self-righteousness, which really, would make Lug Nut Land the winner. please feel free to send me any and all further drafts of letters as you know i would personally like to go into Lug Nut Land and torch the place myself.

i heart you MChavs. and i’m excited to see this particular train start to gather speed.

1:40 PM

KDH said…

May I just say that I feel bad for ever forwarding this job opportunity to you. Yes, it was me.

For as many jobs/layoffs/screwings as you’ve been through, I admire your pluck.

4:48 PM

Marti said…

LOL – don’t feel bad KDH. I had forgotten that though. Nothing is in vain. I’m the idiot that left and then retardedly came back. I had lessons i needed to learn here. It helps me appreciate my new position and where my life is headed.

5:04 PM

Anonymous said…

Ros says:

Ahahahaha! Great letter! Have you read Laurie Notaro yet? (Idiot Girls Action-Adventure Club? I Love Everyone, and Other Atrocious Lies?) If not, you must indeed. Your letter reminds me of her. I can’t get through a book of hers without laughing out loud. And don’t even let me try reading a story of hers aloud; I laugh until I cry. Good times.

9:17 PM

Marti said…

Ros – i got a book of hers for my birthday in dec and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! She is too funny. Her observations and perspective are hysterical.

Filed under: Working