Musings on Church

Mikey and I got into an interesting discussion about church yesterday. We were walking in to register Jordy for baskbetball camp and Mikey out of the blue tells me, “you know I’m not a very churchy person.” I knew this. As a typical pastor’s kid he has been in church more than he’s been out. He’s heard all of the stories a million times. He knows the usual angles for sermons on all major holidays.

But anxious to hear his opinion, because Mikey always has an interesting point of view, I asked, “why not.”

“I think children’s church is dumb. The purpose of church should be to teach kids how to have a relationship with God and all they do is tell you all the same stories over and over. There is no application to my life. How am I supposed to know how to do this as an adult if they don’t teach me how now,” he said emphatically.

I had no answer for that.

I hated children’s church at his age. Like him I refused to go. I rambled on something about how its good to make friends, yadda, yadda, yadda. Nothing convinced him or me about why he should be excited to go to church.

In the end I said it honored God for us to be apart of people who believed like we did and it was one form of worship. His reply was a very logical, “I’ll just find my own way to worship God.”

I had nothing to say to that. As an adult I still struggle with church. In California I had an amazing experience with a wonderful small group. It was the closest I’ve come to understanding the relavance of church in my life. Without it I just don’t see the point. I can volunteer with my favorite organizations. I can be with my friends anywhere. I can worship God in a million places.

Here in Ohio I have struggled to find a church that resonates with me as a single, 30something, career woman.  Most women my age are single and married with two or three kids. There aren’t that many single’s groups that reach out to my age group. I guess they figure I should be married by now. The churches here in Canton are pretty conservative and traditional. I haven’t found one that makes me want to show up. I don’t really feel guilty about it, but I do miss the comraderie of my small group. I miss having friends in the same life stage as me. I miss my friends, but I don’t miss church per say.

So, I don’t know. I’m just rambling. All to say, I understand why Mikey doesn’t want to go to church.

Day 3 – Solo Weekend with the Nephews

After our grand outings yesterday for Mikey’s birthday, today we decided to lay low. Well as low as you can with an 8-year-old and an 11-year old.

After lunch, I couldn’t hold back the troops so we went to the park with my dad to run around. We played five games of HORSE on the basketball court, or random variations there of including – cat, dog, rat and frog. I haven’t shot a basketball in forever, but it was fun. Jordy, who is not destined to be very tall, loves to play. He has to bend down to the ground and launch it with his whole body.  Mikey was frustrated because he was losing, so he kept trying to steal shots and pouted a bit everytime he lost.

But the highlight of the afternoon was the ice cream truck. We ran with childish abandon towards the music to get our favorite treat. I was actually the first one in line, how great is that. After our treats we headed home.

It is amazing how much planning it requires when you have kids. As soon as you’re done with breakfast you have to start thinking about dinner. I am now in favor of all things microwaveable. Luckily the kids will eat most anything.

The other hard part is coming up with things for them to do. Even though they have every gaming system known to man, tons of cable channels, games, the internet, and bikes they are always bored. They instead resorting to contest farting, wrestling and generally beating each other.

But in spite of all of this I’m a little sad its almost over. I’m surprised at how tired I am. There is no way to keep up with them. Too much to do, too little time.

Alright, it’s time for bed.

Day 2 – Solo Weekend with the Nephews

Today was Mikey’s 11th birthday. It’s a lot of pressure to make a child’s birthday spectacular in absence of his parents. Mikey is an aloof, moody pre-teen.  He doesn’t get excited about a whole lot and usually complains about everything. LOL. Gotta love the awkward age. But its a true joy when you can pierce through his burgeoning coolness and get ahold of the 1/3 of him still a child and bring out the glee. That was my quest.

During a hearty breakfast of waffles and milk we forged a plan for the day. We finally decided on the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame and a big fancy mall in Cleveland. Mikey is a music fiend and was anxious to see what’s there. Unfortunately road construction slowed our roll and it took us nearly two hours to make the 45 mile trek north. It was funny, but the roadblock proved to be an adventure. Mikey and Jordy wanted to me to pretend that we were in Midnight Run and mow through traffic on the shoulder. We didn’t but we did venture to parts unknown to find our ways past the mess. They were satisfied with the mini-adventure and it also afforded the opportunity to car dance. Never enough opportunity to do that. We laughed and had a great time.

However, the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame was not as much fun for us at the traffic on the way up. The boys were bored in like five minutes and keep asking where the interactive exhibits were. I think they had more fun on the escalators and the giant guitars in the lobby than they did the museum. So we left after about an hour. I don’t not recommend the Rock-N-Roll hall of Fame for children. They didn’t even know who any of the artists were and nothing of interest for them.

To redeem the day we went to the Zoo, when in doubt go to the animals. They loved it. We saw rhinos, bats, snakes, leopards, lions, oh my. There was lots to play on, run by and sit near.  They even rode a camel. I actually saw the illusive Mikey smile several times. We had a blast and again we were exhausted. They slept all the way home and it was all I could do to stay awake.

We had his birthday dinner at Red Robin, where he got to eat off the adult menu, the kid’s menu is for those 10 and under. In spite of many protests we still have them come and sing. He loved it.

So it was a good birthday in deed. Its amazing how the unplanned moments are the best. I’m also amazed at how much work it is to take care of kids. They suck every ounce of energy out of your body. I can hardly think. I have a new found respect for mothers, working mothers and especially single mothers. I think I heard, “Aunt Marti” said about 9,000 times today. Getting them to bed bring a sigh of relief and a giant collapse on the couch. I am mentally, physically and emotionally tired. But having Mikey enjoy his day was worth it and priceless.

Day 1 of the Solo Weekend with the nephews

Mike is finally graduating. After 15 years all of his studies are finally done. So he and Rocio flew to LA today for him to walk on Sunday. Being the dutiful sister, I am with the nephews for four days.

Yes four. I have never had sole control of children that long. I am more of a short stint kind of girl. Need a babysitter for an hour or two, I’m your girl. I’ve even had them during work hours but I was counting the minutes til their mom got home. I love them. I would do anything for them, but four days is a lot. I’m actually a bit nervous. Can I keep them alive that long, we’ll see.

Here is a rundown of our day, for posterity: we took Mike and Rocio to the airport at 5 a.m. The boys and I were sleepy for the rest of the day. Which probably saved us.

We had a lazy morning watching tv. Then we went to the pet store so they could see the puppies, kitties, birds, fish, gerbills, rats, etc. We had to leave after about 20 minutes because I was starting to sneeze, itch, and cough, due to all of the aforementioned animals.

Our afternoon activity was to see UP in 3-D. Jordy, Sandy and I loved it, Mikey did not. I didn’t see a whole lot of 3-D about it but the story was touching and cute. It’s about an old man who wants to fulfill his wife’s dream to get to South America after her death. He has a Wilderness Guide in the form of a 10-year-old boy whose father has remarried and fallen out of his life. For me, the morale of the story was in order to have new adventures you need to get rid of old baggage. Very poignant for me indeed. The animation was amazing.

Tonight we vegged some more, resting for Mikey’s birthday tomorrow, he turns 11.

Grease

On Friday, Sandy and I went to the Palace Theatre in downtown Canton to see Grease on the big screen.

It was a pajama party and singing was highly encouraged. Pajamas and singing, count me in. We donned our robes and slippers, braved the rain and tuned up our voices. At the historic movie house we bought pom-poms for a quarter and waiting anxiously for the strains of Love is a Many Splendored Thing.

Most everyone in the audience knew the words to the songs and dialogue. We spoke them together in one accord, cheering for Rydell, booing the mean Danny Zuko, and glad the Hand Jive was alive once again.

Only four when the movie was originally released, this was my first time to see it on the big screen. It was awesome. A fun night singing, shouting and losing yourself in the moment.

I have seen Grease at least 100 times and it never gets old. Although as an adult I’m amazed at how risque this movie is. As a kid, I really had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t get half of the jokes. As it should be I suppose.

I am such a sucker for sing-a-longs. I think I have an inner broadway star anxious to get out.

Mike and Marti Show

One of my sisterly duties upon return to Ohio is to help my brother, Mike, write his papers. He is in his 14th year of study for his B.A. If only he listened to me he’d have a PhD by now. But he didn’t, he chose a family and the mission field instead. Noble. Yes. Quick study? No.

He is getting his B.A. in counseling. So, it has also led to some very interesting discussions about the church, friendships, marriage, parenting, dysfunctional families and of course our issues. One day, over a discussion about the failure of the church to help people to learn how to be in relationship, resulting in divorce numbers in the church being the same as regular society I realized this was good stuff.

I decided it would be very fun to do a podcast. But just like deciding against staying in school to get married at 18, Mike didn’t listen to me. However, as his studies wind down he warmed up to the idea. I’m glad this didn’t take 14 years to come around, instead just a couple of months. I’m hoping our podcast turns out as well as his marriage.

This first podcast is an interview of each other. We just wanted to see how it worked, if we were annoying “on-air.” But the bottom line is we had a lot of fun. It is a chance to us to connect in a different way. It’s not about being siblings but learning to be friends. Learning to respect each other as adults. We realized that as brother and sister we play off each other well. We don’t let each other get away with anything.

So our goal is to talk about the taboo, the irrational, the Christian, the unChristian, funny, poignant and most of real topics that hit our everyday lives. This is our new therapy. I’m sure there will be lots of embarassing stories, crazy personal details and laughs. I can’t wait to see what happens.

Check out our podcast and its accompanying blog, with no extra batteries required.

Realizations in California

I had a fantastic time in California. It was awesome to be in the sun, with friends, eating delicious food and just no pressure. There was no where I had to be, nothing I had to do and no responsibility whatsoever, who wouldn’t love that? I was living life as I used to know it. LOL. Which sounds a bit odd, but it’s true.

Living near family requires a different mindset. There are certain responsibilities you have simply because you’re a part of the family. After living away for 15 years it’s been an adjustment to get used to being an aunt, a sister, a niece and a daughter again.

I struggle drawing healthy boundaries in the family scenario. We all slip back into the roles established when were seven. It’s like being a Disney star, you are locked into your contract for life. This process is hard.

When I left for CA I was so overwhelmed, feeling like I was responsible for fixing what was wrong in my family. I am the peacemaker. I make sure everyone is ok. It is the role I have played my entire life, one that I felt was required of me. That is a heavy burden to bear. Is exhausting, stressful and enfuriating. When I left I felt smothered, lost and I couldn’t think. As I flew west I could literally feel the weight fall off me. I had to reconnect with who I am and what I want.

In CA, through the help of friends I realized it’s not my job to fix my family. Ta dah. It’s that simple. I have to let myself off the hook. I don’t have to carry the burden of the family, to make sure we’re all ok. That ephiphany set me free. When I realized this I could let go. I can let go of them. I can let go of the problems. I am only responsible for me. Phew. I’m enough trouble all on my own. LOL. I need a new definition of who I am with them.

Now, I have to move forward in my life. I’m trying to decide if I want to move back to California or can I find my own life in Ohio? I’ve also decided I’m going to finish my licensure to become a therapist. I’m only a year away and it feels like something undone in my life. Whether I pursue my PhD after that who knows.

That’s all I’ve come up with so far. LOL

Trying to Settle Down

Here I am in my first full day in CA and I’m like a mexican jumping bean. I can’t sit still. I can’t formulate a complete thought. I feel like I have ADD. I wonder if its because I sat for 9 hours yesterday flying here, is it because I am finally in the sun and the vitamin D is amping me up or is it because I know I came here to think, process and make some life decisions? All plausible things I suppose.

But I’m kind of panicking. I’m worried I won’t get to see everyone I want to see. I’m worried that the time will go by too fast. I’m scared about going back to Ohio. I’m afraid I’ll miss something. UGH. Drama. I need to just relax.

Hopefully tonight we’ll go down to the ocean and grab some dinner. I need the waves to drown out my own thoughts.

Time Away

To get away from all the insanity that is my life right now, I am heading west young man.

For the next two weeks I will be broadcasting directly from Southern California. I can’t wait. I need to see my peeps, the beach and eat delicious food. It’s gonna be awesome.

I am so grateful for this time. I am trying not too overplan it, just be flexible and schedule lots of downtime to think, write, take pictures and just be still. We’ll see how it goes.

Grappling with Truth

I finally have the courage to sit down and write.

For the past six weeks the mere thought of having to sit down and think about what’s going on, how I’m feeling and what I should do has been too overwhelming. If I thought about it I’d have to deal with it. No, no one died, but I’ve felt like life as I knew it was shattering.

I finally know why I’m here and it isn’t pleasant. It doesn’t involve me directly but I’m affected by it. I don’t know what to think. My feelings are all over the map. All in one second I am angry, sad, disappointed and heartbroken. Yet, I can’t help but think, thhat even though all of this junk we are presently wading through is terrible it is finally real. We can’t deny it anymore. We can’t hide it. We can’t move on unti we move through it. For the first time in our lives we are forced to live in it. The pink elephant in the room is finally being called what it is.

I believe that the truth is much easier to heal from than lies. But when your eyes are completely open to the truth it can be startling and extremely painful. It forces you to live in reality. There is no fantasy. There is no pretending. We are made keenly aware of our depravity and need. The good thing is God’s mercies are new everyday. There is grace for everything but we have to be willing to look who we really are in the face, admit it and ask for help. It is a scary, dark place to be, but there is hope if you can do it.

I have been at that place for me personally. I know there is amazing freedom when you can embrace the process. But it takes incredible courage to do it. There is support and love in those who are truly your friends. The key is humility, vulnerability and complete dependence on God. You have to let go of everything you think you know and everything you think you are. I don’t think many people ever get to this place.

Sometimes people choose the fantasy. They choose to be a victim. They choose to ignore it. This perpetuates the lie. It isolates you from others. It makes you manipulative and passive-aggressive to make sure your safe world stays intact. The illusion of control becomes more important than the truth of the situation or other person.

We will be ok. I know we will. I see positive changes I never thought would happen. I feel peace never known. I see soul searching and realizations of things I thought were long forgotten. So it is good but hard for everyone.

As a bystander I am struggling not to relapse into my weapons of mass destruction. I am fighting to stay away from my vices that make me feel better. I am challenged to find a new way to cope. I too have to abandon myself into the process of a rotor router of my heart. There are still places inside me that are dark that needed to find the light of truth.

In the beginning, we all struggle against it choosing instead our own reality. At the end of the day the warmth and comfort of the light will woo us out of our struggle, if we let it. I have to let go of all my preconceived notions, ideals, fears and coping mechanisms. I too have to surrender.

I have to believe we will be changed. We will be stronger, closer and better. But the process is a bitch.