Desires of the Heart

A conversation I had with my Uncle Sean a few weeks ago has been stuck in my head. We were talking about dreams, goals and prayer which lead to a discussion of God’s will and what that really means.

I know that God’s will isn’t a yellow brick road that you magically find, skip along and end up meeting the wizard. I believe that God’s will is found in the small, seemingly inconsequential decisions that reveal our true character and faith. This is where the daily struggle is found. This is why we can’t wait til the big decision to invite God into the equation, by then it’s too late.

With this definition of God’s will, the verse “God will give us the desires of our heart” has a whole new meaning. We read the whole verse to see that our dreams come true when we delight in him.

But Uncle Sean took it a step further when he said we place the emphasis on the wrong part of that verse. God will GIVE US the desires of our heart. It doesn’t mean we create those dreams it means that he gives the dreams to us when we delight in him. It isn’t about us at all. They aren’t technically our dreams, they are his that he places in our heart when we’re in tune with him.

Ewwww! That throws a monkey wrench into my prayers. See I have been pestering God for months about where I should live. What should I do with my life. Will I ever get married? Are kids in my future at all? He cares about these things because he cares about me, but that isn’t the point.

My life thus far has been consumed with the wrong things. In part, my restlessness has been because I was praying for the wrong things. My old pastor always said that God cares about our character not our career.

Today, during the sermon, our pastor was talking about how God doesn’t play second fiddle  to our flesh (desires, ambitions, and sins). Ouch! God’s will for us isn’t about careers, job, marriage but who he is shaping us to be. The story he is telling through our lives is about emptying us of our junk, maturing us, and building relationships as He uses us to help others on their journey.

So, I am smack in the middle of God’s will when I’m uncomfortable, stretched and beyond myself. A.k.a living in Ohio, navigating the wake of my parent’s divorce and struggling to finally put my childhood to rest. Yea fun. But necessary. This isn’t just a detour, but is a major part of what God is doing in me. I need to face these things. I need to grow in ways that only these situations will allow. God fully intended for me to traverse this path to get where he wants to take me.

So its not about rules, self-righteousness, playing church, appearances, approval from others,  or any host of other things that fall outside of the realm of what God is trying to do in and through us.  But God can’t take us to where he wants us to go unless we submit everything to him. That’s the kicker. Stay with me.

We have to surrender our dreams, goals, and ambitions. It is part of the refining process he wants to do in our lives. He needs to mature us. God wants us to be whole. He doesn’t want us to be stuck in the past with our hurts, destructive patterns, fears, and wrong ideas. The sermon today was about God’s maturing process. How he moves us forward. The fruits of the spirit are evidence of a mature heart. They aren’t something we are given at salvation. They are something we are continually working on as we grow in Christ, grow in love, grow in maturity.

So rather than pray about where to live, what job to take in order to get where God wants me to go I need to pray about what I need to learn, where I can grow and what he’s trying to show me. Through these things my course in life will be revealed. That almost sounded like a fortune.

But it gives new focus to my prayers. It also returns my focus to my relationship with God instead of trying to make him a genie. I think that is what God cares about more than how much I miss California. He misses me. What a concept. God loves me so much he wants to spend time with me. He longs for me. He desires my attention. God wants me. Sitting with that notion is humbling, comforting, and peaceful.

Yet I know God is willing to let the tough times come. He will put me in the wilderness. He will lead me through the fire. He will do what it takes to help me put my flesh to death so that more and more of Christ shines through me. We have to die to ourselves. We have to live in the freedom of our salvation. But that doesn’t mean we get what we think we want. It means we’re willing to let all of that go and embrace the journey God has us on that includes the wilderness, the dry times, the times when he seems silent. There is a point to all of it, it really isn’t about torturing us. It’s about us pursing him and those things that are important to him.

Lots to digest. It feels like I’ve heard these things all my life yet separately not together. They were disjointed thoughts that have been crystallizing over the past few weeks (years apparently here was a message I heard nearly two years ago about this same thing, kind of). Maybe he’s tired of my prayers. Or maybe this is my answer to those prayers. Not sure. Haven’t gotten that far.

But at the end of the day I’ve learned its more important than ever to live in the moment. Be grateful for what is and not wish it away. I need to suck the joy and pain out of every circumstance because there is a point to it that makes me more of who God wants me to be. I am becoming. I am in process. I am in progress.

This doesn’t mean I stop dreaming or setting goals it just means that as I get closer to God my dreams might change or they’ll become clearer and doors for them to come true will open. Because our pastor also reminded us that it is as we growth that God can open new options. As we mature we can move beyond the childish things that used to occupy our time, namely ourselves.

See God’s Word and psychology do line up. Emotional maturity is characterized by the ability to be other-centered and belief in something bigger than ourselves. All truth is God’s truth regardless of where it comes from because he is the author of it. But that is another post

Ok this is a lot to process. These are the things rambling around in my brain. Welcome to the chaos and insanity.

Filed under: Spiritual Formation , relationships, church, maturity, emotional maturity, fruits of the spirit, immaturity, growth, spiritual growth, dreams, goals, ambition

Processing Life

These past few weeks have been difficult.

I’m interviewing for two different jobs. My dad is moving to a new house, so I’ve been helping him pack. I’ve also been traveling 4 hours back and forth from OH to IN to be with my aunt during chemo. Not to mention watching my nephews thrown in along with prepping for a big craft fair this Saturday both by making chocolate for my dad and jewelry for my mom. Oh and my dad had knee surgery today, so I sat at the hospital all day.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally drained. Physically tired. Soul weary.

The weather is turning cold. The skies are grey. The trees are naked and I feel like it all matches my mood right now. I’m on edge. Little things are bugging the crap out of me.

I’m not hopeless. I’m not freaking out about anything. Life is just stressful right now. I also realize that some of this is part of the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. As the oldest child I am now called on to stand in the gap, a lot. There are needs to be met. There are things that need to be done.

I’m also realizing how much of a team married couples are. When one of those people is removed from the equation there is a giant hole. With the move my mom would have packed, organized and transferred all services. My dad is responsible for finding the heavy lifters and getting it all moved. My dad didn’t stop to think about the things my mom usually does. This is just one example of many. As I step in to help I am hit with a wall of sadness and grief. There is a pain in realizing they are no longer a unit.

I could say no. I could walk away. I could draw harsh boundaries but I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to be involved. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and still take care of me yet.

I realize I need more me time. I know I need to find space to rest emotionally and spiritually. It’s just hard right now. I’m shuttling back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s house. I’m hoping that if I get the job I want it will buy me some space.

I especially feel responsible because my brother has removed himself completely. That is how he is choosing to cope. To me that is unacceptable. I can’t do that. Perhaps that is because I’m the firstborn and we naturally assume these roles. We naturally feel obligated. We are used to taking the reigns.

So it’s a whole bag of emotions. I need to get them out. I need to release them. Crying is part of it, but I also need to be creative. I think that’s why I’m so irritated right now. I haven’t had the time I want to focus on this show. I have had zero time to take photos. I haven’t been to a museum in a while. There have been no festivals to enjoy. I am also on people overload. As an introvert I need time alone. I have no space to be by myself. I have no space to call my own. I miss all my stuff that has been in boxes for almost two years.

So there’s a lot going on. It’s not life or death and I feel like I should insert some positive thing right here, but I can’t. It would be insincere. It’s not that I don’t feel positive. I can see lots of evidence of God moving in our lives. I feel settled into my skin more now than I ever have before.

It’s just hard right now. I’m jonesing for a trip to CA. I need to be with my peeps. I’m hoping it will work out that I can go for my 35th birthday. We’ll see.

Filed under: About Me, Mi Familia , boundaries, creativity, divorce, drama, exhaustion, grief, introvert, job interviews, moving, personal space, quiet time, weary

More random nephew stories

My nephews are a never-ending supply of joy, hilarity and levity. Spending time with them always makes me feel better. They have a way of drawing you into the moment. Can’t worry about the future or the past when they’re in the middle of something mischievous and potentially dangerous right this second.

For posterity here are a few recent nephew moments:

1. Tonight Jordy was playing on the computer while I watched TV. I turned to him to ask what he was doing. His said without skipping a beat: shopping for happiness.

2. We were driving down the road and out of the blue Jordy says, “You know you’re not the only aunt we have.” OK. How do you respond to that. He’s a child. He doesn’t know he’s driving daggers into my heart. My first insecure response is, “But I’m your only real aunt since your mom doesn’t have any sisters.” Then Mikey pipes up, “And you’re the only one we connect with emotionally and spiritually.” Score one for Mikey, he does love me. LOL.

3. I will be watching the boys tomorrow morning because they have the day off from school. Jordy loves to cook so I told him we would make some chocolate chip cookies. He said, “That’s too simple we need to show off how well we can cook.” After all, last time we made muffins and he said it was an advanced cooking class with his aunt. Although his suggestion was a soufflé. I have no idea where he heard that. He has no idea what a soufflé is.

Filed under: Mi Familia, Quoting , children, funny moments, joy, nephews

The Power of Story

Who doesn’t love a good story? The love, the fight, the drama, the comedy. It’s why we go to the movies. It’s why we read book. It is what transports us to another time and place. We are inspired, horrified, scared, captivated and engaged.

All the while we are writing our own story, full of the same emotions, plot points and events. Yet there are so many elements of our lives we keep hidden. We’re afraid we’re the only ones. We’re worried about being judged. We’re ashamed of what happened to us or what we’ve done.

Yet my old pastor always said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It makes a world of difference as soon as we begin to give voice to what is happening to us, what we’ve been through and how we are feeling. It empties out brain space. It frees up our heart to move on, so we don’t get stuck in the mire of our circumstance.

This is in part why I chose to blog. Some write stories. Some sing songs. Others write poetry, paint or play an instrument. Anything is better than being silent. Anything is better that being alone. Anything is better than quiet surrender. We have to fight for ourselves. We have to shout, in a way that is healthy, so we can be set free.

My friend Jenn is choosing to give voice to her story of breast cancer. At 34 she is facing a stage three diagnosis, a mastectomy, chemo, losing her hair and fighting for her life all within about a week. To reach out for support and keep those who love her updated on her progress she is blogging through it. I am amazed at her strength, resilience, faith and the joy in her journey so far. I know there isn’t much I can do but pray and her blog helps me do that more specifically.

We are also part of a bigger story that God is telling through us. All of our stories overlap and interact with others. We are not alone. We are part of a huge family. In that there is comfort, encouragement and faith. In the midst of pain it is easy to burrow inward. It is easy to become destructive or self-sabotage. But having the courage to speak out means that we can be held accountable, someone can give reason to our voices of insanity. Or in some cases someone to just give us a hug and tell us to hang on.

I think my friend Erika is right in that we are all a beacon of hope for someone who isn’t as far in their story as we are. We get to lead the way for someone, if we let ourselves speak of what God has done, how he has provided, how he has healed, how he has disciplined and even through how we suffered.

It’s easy for me to forget these things. I want to shut down. I want to block out. I have done that a bit over the last few months. The pain of my parent’s divorce was just too fresh. The death of our family unit was overwhelming. I was fighting out of wallowing in it. I was trying to help my parents. I was trying to be there for my brother. I didn’t know how to be there for myself. I just slipped into survival mode.

I am so grateful for those friends that have kept me sane. I am so blessed with their love, joy, distractions, prayers, encouragement and support. They have made this time of pain tolerable. There have been moments when I didn’t want to talk to God. I was angry at him, yet I knew that I was getting his voice through them. They kept speaking truth. They kept speaking love.

As I come out of the shock and denial of what is happening I can finally begin to give voice to everything. I am starting to process out what it all means to me. I learning how to have a different kind of relationship with my parents and my brother.

It’s all a process.

Filed under: About Me, Friendshipping, Mi Familia, Spiritual Formation , divorce, emotions, family, fear, fellowship, friends, God, issues, journey, love, sharing, story, struggle

Misleading Job Interview

All I want for my 35th birthday is health insurance.

For some Americans that is still the dream. As a diabetic I am the health insurance equivalent of a leper. I couldn’t get insured if I were willing to pay a million dollars a month. I have to be on a group plan, which means no more freelancing or consulting for me. So, I am going to go out and get a regular, 9-5, bi-weekly paying, prescription-card-offering job.

I put all my friends and family on alert, updated my resume, set up job alerts and dusted off my portfolio. I was ready.

For months all I heard were crickets. Yep. Nada. Zero. Zip. I think the job boards are right, it is an invisible job market, you have to know someone to get in. But then twice in one week I get called for interviews. Yea!! That noise you finally heard, were the towns people rejoicing!

The first job, internet marketing manager, was found by my grandfather in the newspaper. How old school. I didn’t even know that he knew what I did for a living but apparently he was listening and taking notes. I was excited. I loved the product, industry and market. This could be great. I could finally have found a job where I could really settle in. Yay!

I had a pre-interview phone screening, which I passed and had the in-person interview last Friday. On the phone I got a brief overview of the job. She said I would be working with the internet/catalog director as the internet marketing manager to help with email campaigns which involved some merchandising. Sounds straight-forward enough. She assured me I’d get more details from the hiring manager.

All week I mentally gathered all of my web experience – web site development, email campaign creation, web metrics,  social media marketing, etc. I could describe my part in all projects. I could wax on poetically about web theory and new softwares for email marketing. I was ready. I didn’t even feel nervous, just ready to dig in. Look at me, all optimistic. It was a real moment. I nearly got verclempt.

On Friday, I re-met with the HR lady who re-qualified me for the job, we went through my experience and she asked me traditional interview questions. What is the best piece of constructive criticism you ever received? What are your references going to say about you? Blah. Blah. Blah. Do they actually really get valid, usable information from those questions? Anyway, she also gave me the same brief overview of the job, you’ll be working on email campaigns. Now in my mind, the internet marketing manager would be responsible for overseeing all aspects of said email campaigns. You would think.

When I met with the hiring manager I was immediately thrown off by the first question. He wanted me to go through my job history and point-by-point show how I was qualified for the position. Job description? Huh. I hadn’t seen one of those. The nice HR lady didn’t give me one. I told him that I never received one. He slides it over to me and at cursory glance I don’t recognize the responsibilities of the internet marketing manager. I was further thrown off track by a series of questions about statistical theory and process. Again huh.

Then I realized, they don’t want an internet marketing manager they want a marketing analyst. Now, for those wondering what the difference is, let me explain. In my opinion, the internet marketing manager would work on formulating a plan to promote the products on the web through an integrated marketing communications plan. Now what they want is equivalent to an accountant. They want a paper-pushing, number crunching, data juggler. A statistician. Someone who sits and interprets spreadsheet data. All day. ALL. DAY.

So zero creativity. Zero actual involvement with the web, other than generating data the web team will use to deploy campaigns. Yea. I was talking with a friend, and former boss, after the interview and she said they might not know what internet marketing is. No idea.

I was disappointed. I got through the rest of the interview, including the person who previously held the job and one of the team members. They made it crystal clear that this was strictly a numbers job. Hours and hours at a desk on tight deadline to generate reports and help clarify data. Yummy. The team member actually said – Me, words. You, numbers. Kid you not.

No thanks. I really want to write an email to the nice HR lady and tell her she has no clue what the department is actually looking for and that I am no longer interested in this position. Can you do that? Is that appropriate?

Big lesson learned, ask for a full job description. You may not be talking apples to apples unless you see it on paper.

I have another interview next Wednesday for a public relations position. I hope they really aren’t looking for a greeter, food server or bill collector. We’ll see.

Filed under: Working , HR mistake, interview, job, job description, job search, marketing job

Life as I saw it in the 4th Grade

Aaah it was the life in 1984. I was 9 and had the world by the tail. Or at least my brother.

I was sorting through boxes at my parents house and found lots of old cards, art projects, and elementary school papers. Among them was a questionnaire I filled out in the 4th grade. It read:

ALL ABOUT ME:
1. My whole name is Martha Chavarria.
2. If I changed my first name I would be Kathy.  (I have no idea why I wanted to be a Kathy.)
3. I have black hair and brown eyes. (Proof of what my natural hair color is)
4. The thing I like best about me is when I smile my eyes sort of sparkle. (Interesting)
5. My Mom is great.
6. My Dad is a mechanic.
7. At our house we always shut off the light after we are done in a room. (LOL that’s the most interesting thing I could think of)
8. My favorite food is pizza and my favorite place to eat is Noble Romans. (Still love pizza)
9. I like the color purple best. I see this color on my bookbag. (Favorite color now is red)
10. I have NO sisters and one brother and we like to play games like Survive, etc. (Games of survival in the 4th grade?)
11. On the bus I talk or I am quiet. (Usually it is one or the other)
12. My favorite school subject is art, because I like to draw. (Huh, I remembered it being English)
13. The subject I like least is English, Math, Social Studies. (Learn something new everyday)
14. If I were a teacher I would have some kind of art project a day. (Again, learn something new)
15. When I want to be alone I go in my room and lock the door. (Effective)
16. Sometimes I get scared when I watch a scary movie.
17. If I could visit anywhere in the world I would go to California to see my uncle Kevin. (Always been a city girl at heart)
18. Sometimes I wonder what God looks like.
19. I think President Reagan should lower taxes!
20. Jenni Fraters is my best friend because she is fun to be with and nice.
21. I enjoy reading mysteries, really all kinds of books.
22. It’s really hard for me to whistle and jump in backwards in jump rope. (Still can’t whistle, not sure about the jumping in backwards)
23. It’s really easy for me to cook things.
24. One job I do at home is clean my room.
25. I think the best age to be is 16, 17, or 18 because you learn how to drive. (The epitome of freedom)
26. If I had three wishes I would wish for: a bunch of stickers, $1000 dollars, for 20 more wishes. (If only I had gotten the stickers or maybe more wishes)

Filed under: About Me , 1984, 4th grade, elementary school, questionnaire

Lessons Learned from Tori Spelling

Preamble – First of all I have to say that I am addicted to Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood. I have watched since season one and will watch til the last episode. I think she’s fascinating. Maybe its the poor little rich girl thing, but Tori’s so real about who she is. She isn’t ashamed of her flaws. She embraces who she is. I love it.

Now onto the real blog post.

Last week was the season finale of Tori& Dean Home Sweet Hollywood, with Stella’s one-year birthday party. The big question was, will Candy show up? You knew she wasn’t. She said it was because of the cameras and she didn’t want to be on the tv show. I think that’s crap. If you want to be in your daughter’s life, for real, you do whatever it takes. There are no strings. There are no conditions. There is no question. You show up. You’re there, regardless.

So, when she didn’t show up Tori was devastated, again. She was crying. Dean was frustrated. But in the end, during one of the last interviews of the season Tori finally got it. She finally had a way to deal with her mother and it started with her. She realized that she had to stop being a victim. She was in a position to be hurt because she put herself there. She had unrealistic expectations. It was time to own it and deal with it privately. No one could stop the cycle but her. She had to stand up for herself and her family.

OOoohhhh! That’s it. A light went off for me. This so related to my life. I have to stand up and take responsibility for my life. I can’t keep waiting here in Ohio for my family to be a family. I”m here because I made the choice to come. I have to step up and take my life back. They are who they are. They are going to keep trucking down their road and I need to get on mine.  Now to figure out how and what and where.

Another benefit is that by owning my actions and emotions it helps avoid anger, bitterness and resentment. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurt, but it makes me step back and analyze where I put myself in an unhealthy situation. I have to draw better boundaries. I have to be true to me. I have to stand up for me. UGH! All of that is much harder than I thought. I still want them to love me so I hesitate everytime I need to say something. Baby steps. See because love is conditional you don’t have the freedom to say no, it comes with great consequences. So, learning to stand up for yourself and say, in the immortal words of Baby in Dirty Dancing, “this is my dance space and that is your dance space.”

Now, for some this is a no brainer. But when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where love is conditional and often manipulative it’s not so cut and dried. You have to learn on your own, with therapy and through the friends that become like family, how to be a functional, healthy adult. These things do not come naturally. We have to be told not to give until you’re depleted. We have to learn that co-dependence does not mean they love you. It takes time to figure out that even though we change and work through our junk, they may continue in the same crap that you drug yourself out of, it’s called denial.

So thank you Tori Spelling for sharing your ephiphany with us and allowing me one of my own. See God will use any means necessary to speak into our lives, even through Tori Spelling.

Filed under: Pop Culture, Psychobabbling , anger, bitterness, boundaries, daughter, family, mother, Oxygen, parents, Tori Spelling, victim mentality

Grand Trip to Dover, OH

Desperate for something to do I started flipping through the Entertainment Book for ideas. I discovered that there were TWO activities in Dover, OH that looked interesting.

Now, Dover is a village of 12,466 people. So it’s quite amazing that there is one something to do, but TWO, that is just phenomenal. So we had to go.

The first stop is the Warther Family Museum. When I first saw it in the book I thought it was the Werther family. You know the caramels. But instead its a family full of carvers and knife makers. I had no idea what to expect. It had a high potential of being very lame, but it wasn’t. It was really fascinating.

Ernest Warther was quite the man. He only had a 2nd grade education but transformed his hobby of whittling into a passion that became a celebrated career. that is still earning money for his family. In the 1920’s he was declared a master carver after his ebony, walnut wood and ivory mini trains toured the United States on a special train exhibit . Every train is intricately carved inside and out. They are an exact replicas of the original, operating on a leather pulley system with actual working parts.

What was most intriguing about the Warthers is their commitment to family, tradition, and love. He didn’t carve these beautiful pieces for the money but his love of his craft and trains. He refused an offer of $50,000 plus $5,000 a year in the early 1900s to keep his trains in Grand Central Station. He said nothing shouuld live in NY for more than a week. He also said that his family was not hurting for money, so if people wanted to see the trains they could come to Dover. 

And we did.

 Second, on our grand tour of Dover, was the J.E. Reeves Victorian mansion.  I had no idea who J.E. was or why he could afford a mansion. It was all a mystery.

Turns out he was from England and was a trained boiler maker. He and his brothers settled in Ohio and took over a failing steel plant. Together they turned it around and made a ton of money. The brothers then opened a bank and hotel. Times were good for the Reeves, hence the mansion.

When arrived and a small wedding was taking place in the side yard. So we were ushered into the carriage house. It seemed like everything was really casual. There were no set tour times, they just offered them when there were enough for a group or you’d been waiting a sufficient period of time.  After a short 10 minute wait we began our tour, around the wedding photos.

Reeves purchased an 1870 farmhouse and created a beautiful Victorian masterpiece. He spared no detail on moldings, furnishing or woodwork. He even put a bathroom in his study. As a member of the Electoral College he held many business meetings in his large study and his private restroom showed his wealth. What as really amazing to me is that they have original Edison-designed lightbulbs in the study, which have been burning since 1976. I think we’re getting robbed with new technology.

AAAAAHhhhh what a delightfully rich day in the land of Dover. Downtown is picturesque. It is mere moments from Amish country and contained so much history, who knew. We even got a treat on our way home. The GPS took us a funky way back to Canton for some reason. We went surface streets instead of on the freeway. About two minutes outside of town was the Dover Dam.

There’s a dam in Dover?! YES! It was a relic from FDR’s New Deal. Built in 1935 on the Tuscarawas River.

Not much else to say about dam. There was no dam tour. I did take some dam photos. LOL had to do it. National Lampoon Vegas Vacation, if you’re wondering where those lines are from. However, in researching the dam history, I did discover the Zoar Village nearby that looks interesting. It was founded by German separtists escaping religious persecution. The Ohio Historical Society owns most of the village now and has restored the buildings and gardens. The village is open from April through October.

Another day trip to be had.

Filed under: Living in Ohio , Dover, Dover Dam, J.E. Reeves Mansion, Ohio, trains, Tuscarawas River, Warther Museum, Zoar Village

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

I have struggled to find a career I am passionate about since I graduated from college.

I have a B.A. in journalism I knew I wasn’t going to use, in the traditional way. I stumbled into a career in marketing, at which I’m very proficient but don’t really count myself on a definite career track. I also have a master’s degree I don’t presently use. It’s all a hodge-podge, mish-mash of experience, industry and skills. How it all fits together, I have no idea.

I know at work I enjoy a challenge, creativity, time to work alone, and working on something I believe in. I can’t have just a job. I have to feel motivated by the product or cause at hand. Yet, this is all very vague and lacking in a specific direction, vocation or industry.

So what do I want to be when I grow up? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I could do a myriad of things. So what makes a job satisfying, maybe its more than the tasks. I know environment counts for a lot. The people you work with are a huge factor. But in this economy can you afford to be choosy? Or do you have to take what comes your way? I have to believe it does matter that there are still career dreams to be fulfilled.

In this “down” time while I’m helping my dad and watching my nephews I have decided to explore my options, my heart and try to figure out what’s next in my life. What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

All big lofty questions and perhaps a bit rhetorical. But I need to get focused on my life and what I want to be instead of getting lost in other people’s dreams, ambitions and needs. Some of this feels a bit selfish. But I don’t want to wake up in six years, when I’m 40, wondering what the hell I’m doing still babysitting my nephews.

Rather than just fall into something else I want to be a little more deliberate this time. Maybe I know myself a bit better this time around. I hope I’ve learned something about myself in the last 16 years, since I last addressed this topic at 18. So I’m going to explore personality, interests, passions, and long-lost dreams to try and figure it all out. I’ll keep ya posted as I move forward.

Filed under: Working

Un-anniversary

Today would have been my parent’s 35th wedding anniversary.

I suppose it still is, but they’re on the verge of a divorce. It’s odd when your parents separate when you’re an adult. I mean you have your own life. My brother even has his own family.

Although, in some ways you do feel like you’re a kid again. Your parents’ marriage is a part of the foundation of your life. How they feel about each other means something to your own wellbeing for better or worse. How they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why everyone needs therapy.

This has been going on since February, so we’ve been living it for a while. I do feel divided. I have to learn new boundaries. I have to divide my time. Holidays are strange. I am bouncing back in forth between their two houses because I want them both to be okay. I know it isn’t my job or responsibility to do that but I’m a caretaker. But I’ve learned that I can’t be their confidant. I can’t listen to the negative about either of them. I didn’t get to choose my parents I just have to learn how to love them. They got to choose each other and can’t seem to figure out how to do it either.

So it’s a sad day as a child, an adult and a bystander. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. I knew there were problems but I really thought they’d work them out. We were used to the dysfunction. We were accustomed to how things were. I never thought they’d give up. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused.

I wonder where we’ll go from here as a family. My mom now lives 30 minutes away. My brother isolates himself. I feel like I’m in the middle. My dad is just silent. Maybe we’re finally showing on the outside how we’ve been living for the last 20 years. Reality is hard to face.

I have to believe there is redemption of somesort. I want to believe that our family will in some way be better or all of this. I suppose that is up to us as individuals. At the end of the day its their marriage. It is their lives. We all have to move forward. We all have to mourn in our own way. I just hope at the end of the day we find a new way to overlap our lives and don’t all slide in different directions.

Filed under: Mi Familia , adult children, anniversary, divorce, family, family dynamics, marriage